untitled

All life is, is a continuing journey towards our true (or truest) self.

yesterday

Hey, guys!

This week is apparently about Doing.


Today I first of all went and got my hair dyed.
This girl who was in my year at school in Tallinn, is training to be a hairdresser and she needed someone for a dying guinea pig.
And I just had started feeling bored with my colour and she posted on FB asking for a volunteer for Monday.
And so we did it!
I wanted to feel like a cartoon Flame girl.

Pictures below.

And then I had a meeting at the National Opera about this gala we're doing at the summer festival.
It was so nice and inspiring and gave me so much forward driving positive energy.
So thanks, life, for this day!

Peace out. 

Yours truly.

M.

this

Well this just happened.

Omg.

Omg.

I am still so full of adrenaline. 

Crazy.

And I'm so happy and so grateful for this!!

With loovvvee!!!

M.

weekend

Again, completing an old draft.
This was started in the beginning of May.

SO!

My Italian teacher was here end of April-beginning of May and at the end of his teaching period we had 2 concerts.
In addition to individual lessons we had a bunch of rehearsals with the other singers who had flown to Tallinn from allsorts of places around the world.
Croatia
Serbia
Latvia
Lithuania
Japan
Italy
I think I've forgotten someone.
But anyway - a real mix.

And my spring has been truly the one of a hermit.
And it was the most wonderful weekend!
We had our first rehearsals on the 1st of May and the last concert on the 6th of May.
And I just cannot explain how inspired I was by this bunch!!


First of all, the levels of talent, and more importantly, hard work and focus and persistence and consistency these (young) people showed was incredible.
The voices were absolutely mind-blowing.
And secondly, how incredibly nice and generous they were as colleagues!
Just crazy.
And how much fun!
I mean, because a lot of them were from the sunnier sides of Europe their attitude was very different.
So fabulously open and sincere.
Singing on the streets in the Old Town at midnight, the rehearsal fun, and working together, the post-concert meals. All of it.
I am so pleased and grateful that I met this teacher and through him met this bunch of people and got to share that amount of time with them.
It just gives you such energy to focus and work and have fun!

It takes all the work out of work.

Incredible.

I really hope I will get to see at least some of them if not all of them again some time.

And we could all carry on where we most certainly left off.


Here's to inspirational people.
I often forget how much it means and matters, the people who surround you.
It's not just about having people you spend your free time with.
This is all the people, all the time.
People you discuss your passion with, people you work with, people who drive you further, and upwards, and onwards, and give you speed speed speed and fire and life, and make you vivacious and ambitious and joyous, and any other word ending in "-ous", frivolous even.

Just their generosity, blew my mind.

I mean, I have so much performance experience it's crazy, but technically I need to grow in confidence, in terms of opera.

And the attitude of other singers was just so supportive and amazing, again, blew my mind.

I was freaking out before concert number 2 and one of the singer guys just said, "why would you worry. Sing for yourself and god."

None of them added fear, none of them made me feel like I was doing or choosing wrong.

Just an abundance of love and care.

Spectacular.

That's what life is about.
I saw this quote today, that if you cannot find people who help you on your road, walk it alone. I believe Buddha said something along these lines. And I believe this so much.
But I would like to add, once you find the people who Do help you, like you, guard you and keep you, keep them too. Make sure they know you like having them around, share with them, and help them too.

It's cool.
A life-shared.
That's one of the few things I think I truly believe in.
So I think it's time for me to start living by this as well.


Pisces and I celebrated moving in with planting some herbs, and one of them is RISING!
I'm so excited I can't even describe.


Happy Sunday, and Happy Monday!

Yours truly.

As always.

With love.

M.

bodies

As summer is basically here for all intensive purposes, I have found myself thinking more and more about bodies.

It's always a topic - bikini bodies, summer bodies. 

For me personally the idea of faffing around in a bikini is not a problem, I don't cry about it.

However having said this, the approach of summer does make me think about the shape I'm in and how exactly I feel about this.

And then just now, I was on the bus, and I realized that I was telling myself that I shouldn't get into this summer shape excitement.

But why not though!

For starters, I'm lazy.

So therefore this is not brought about by a gnawing discontent with my softer parts, rather I just find myself faced with the realization that I do - for the most part of the year - neglect my body.

And the rebirth of the bikini summer time just makes me feel as if I'm meeting an old friend again, or as if all of a sudden I realized I've kept my pet locked in the basement. Which I wouldn't do.

So why does this body neglect happen.

I always get this omg summer is coming now let's get fit panic, and I think it can very easily come across as a response to the pressure from society to look as a stick, or whatever.

Truth is, this just comes - for me - from quite a positive place. Not go mental and shrink down on a leaf diet to fit into size Child swimwear, BUT it comes from a place of goddamnit sorry thighs that you haven't run or danced in so long, sorry arms that you haven't punched anything, sorry back that you haven't been bent. And sorry insides that I don't fuel you better.

I don't know if any women who get this summer approach panic excitement thing are with me on this one, but I just thought I'd share,y'know. 

It's not about punishing my fat layer because the sun is out. (Whatt.)

It's about letting my muscles run and jump, because the sun is out.

To an onlooking stranger both can seem the same I think. The reality is vastly different.

To me it's a reminder that I have this miraculous tool, my body, and a reminder of how much I DO like it.

(Even if the last time I really worked out was in October........)

(.....)

And I wanna do more!

SO.

Go crazy for your body beautiful, because it's amazing, because it's summer, because you have all the fresh things to eat.

Use the summer beach excitement to bounce about and whatever tinkles your nipples. do it.
Do whatever makes you feel great and celebrate.

This is actually going to be my solid spring-summer theme - celebrating.



Yours truly.
As always.
M.

work

Okay, expansion of the same themes.

*Warning: If you are growing tired of my personal what-looks-like-moaning, then please, this post is most probably not for you. Sorry.*

Singing.
For the past years, and this only applies to Estonia, I have starting getting serious work anxiety.
This does not apply to performing - when I'm on stage life is a daisy and I do what I do.
However, the pre-work period is hell.
My language skills of any language are not good enough for explaining to you just how unpleasant this is.
I'm talking constant underlying panic and genuinely just wanting to projectile vomit, mainly.
It's tiring, and idiotic, and I've grown SO TIRED of this crap.

And also, these options do not work: think less. stop worrying about it. let it go. just get over it. cheer up. calm down.
My simple answer to these is - f_ck you. This is not a solution.
Surely, I am intelligent enough to have figured any of these out myself.
Anyone who has ever had similar troubles of Da Mind will understand this well.
And anyone who hasn't, "just cheering up" is not an option.
Sadly.

Anyway.
I've got work stuff coming up, and this is so boring, so I thought I'd write about this.
And maybe I'll feel better and I could actually do my work prep without wanting to cry and die with a heart rate of 3000.

The thing is, I don't give myself credit for what I do.
And instead of understanding that people what to get in touch with me because they like me and like what I do, I feel like. Like.
Like it's a negative thing.
Instead of "YAYYY look at these amazing work e-mails and calls AWESOME, I am good at what I do YAY work YAY passion HELLO happy hormones!" my brain has SOMEHOW (!!!??) opted for the option of "NOOOOOOOOO why WHY! i'm going to die, they hate me, everyone, AGAIN these emails and things, i can't pick up the phone i can't i can't, i want to hide away in a hole so no one can see me".
...
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what...
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Truly, it bends my mind.
I am a clever girl, and this only emphasises the stark understanding of just how ridiculous all this is.


Hello, dear Brain.

I am a big fan of your work.
However.
Could we somehow solve this issue and could you somehow give my central nervous system the Happy command upon receiving contact from interesting, inspiring people who want to give me work because I am excellent at what I do and doing it gives me great joy.
Lay off the Panic button.
You might be drunk.
(If this is the case, go sleep it off, and resume duty.)

Yours truly.
The person for whom you should be working for.
THANXXXX.



I have got SO many excellent and super cool things coming up Jeeesuuussss and I am dying under the weight of my..(what?)..panic? fear of?
Blah blah.
Get over it, something.
I want to feel like a rainbow, not a pit of snake poison acid thunder blizzard hole.

This is my mission.
Or those of you who watch the New Hannibal: "This is my design".
(I LOVE this show.)
Or it WILL be my design once I kick this asshole out of my life.
This is what is preventing me from being Italian.
Italian's don't deal with this bullshit.
They enjoy, life and love and music, and wine and BEING.
La vita Italiana.


Seriously.

Well.
I feel much better.
I need to get all cognitive-behavioral-therapy on my own ass.
I am yet to figure out the exact actions, but I understand that this is how I'll kick it.

Yours truly.

Absolutely always.

M.

home

Happy Tuesday night, everyone!

Pisces has joined me in town today so this is our first official night in the pad.

I've been here a little over a week.

So far we've had a celebratory cider, planted some herbs and listened to the crazy loud birdsong.

I think it's a mix of having a park right behind the house and also being on the 5th floor - the birds stay at the very tops of the trees and therefore the clarity of their sound from here is crazy.

It's the most divine soundtrack. 

I unpacked my books today and spoke to dad about the need to celebrate.

Anything. Everything.

Life.

He agreed and said he'd come for a flat-warming party as soon as possible.

I loved his enthusiasm!

So now I'm in bed, ready for sleep.

We will see what tomorrow brings exactly but today I will sleep easier.

Peace and love, darlings.

Yours truly.

As always.

M.

unity

This is the thing.


Self-unity.
I used to be good at being on my own.
As a child I really loved doing allsorts on my own.
I liked drawing so much.
And I loved writing.
Music, dancing.
I loved doing so much.

And I celebrated what I was.
I celebrated being me.
Not consciously, or I wouldn't have called it that, of course.
Children have this innate way, they just feel joy, at moving and doing.
What is celebration?
It's a sense of two things for me: joy and pride.

And this is the thing.
It's not that I'm not on my own lately - I am, and quite a lot, but there is a huge difference between just spending time on your own and excelling at the Self relationship.
You know, what it feels like to be you.

We need to celebrate our being.
That's what I lack.
I have awareness of what I am or am not, this is solid and detailed knowledge.
But pride or joy?
There is no shadow of celebrating being me.
And I believe this is the single true driving force of those people who really expand, themselves, their life, walk their path, being true to their soul.
Joy!!
Where the crap is my joy in being me?
Therefore there is also no celebration, goddammit.

And that's why some of the truest wonderfulness in my life turns into a chore.
Tasks and unpleasantness and deadlines that don't excite me, etc.
The question is not the tasks themselves, it's all about how I see myself.


Also, currently there's thunder and lighting outside.
This helps EVERYTHING.


And so.
My point is.
Celebrate!
Celebrate you.
You don't need to have a party or the weekend or a birthday or whatever, just have Joy is Yourself, and Pride in what you do.
If you don't feel Joy, look into it - what is keeping you from this?
If you are not Proud of what you do, look into it - there is always something you can do to help yourself. Have courage and change what you need.

Then add these two together and CELEBRATE, you spirit!
Everything else is a waste of time.
And once again - always go inwards.

Rain is BEATING down.
If I wouldn't understand physics, I would think my roof is actually going to come down.
Cool!

Yours truly.
M.

unit

Hey, guys and girls!

It's currently 29C in Tallinn, some parts boasting 31 I think.
CRAZY!

It's so lush, all Nature here has just sucked in this divine light and heat and gone all amazing and green.

I think today I'm going to drink ...wine.
Perhaps.
This day demands to be enjoyed.
Enjoyed and devoured like lust and desire.
Capricious and strong willed like someone grown beautiful too quickly and too early.
Today is a day of melting ice cream dripping off hands and licking lollipops and skirt flying over heads.
Frivolity.
I can smell frivolity and the mad single-minded vision of yearning.

This was going to be a post about something else, entirely.
Entirely.
But hey, whatever.
There's always time later.
My mind is now on appealing bone-structures and the soft bounce-back of warm skin.

How do you wake up a heart?
How do you make it say things again?
How do you make it want and sing and call out.

Happy exultation of summer, dear youth, of all ages!

Yours truly.
M.

dialogue

I must have more dialogue with myself.
I cannot go on auto-pilot, this does not work and is eventually truly truly destructive, and therefore also very counter-productive.
I need to stay present and need to stay mindful.


Lessons in life.


Also.
Gratitude second.
I cannot believe that Life has been kind enough to send my teacher my way.
It's so bizarre how the destruction and creation came from the same source.
Mystical, I tell you.
Mystical.


Happy Friday, everyone.
I'm home for a sec and then off to Keiu's for a dinner party.
Which is just about the loveliest of all plans.


I cannot cross the line where my need for personal space becomes involuntary detachment.
Learn, child.
And be happy in this Universe.
Everything else is blindness and a waste.

Learning myself and learning my boundaries.
What an interesting ride.



Love, to all of you.
Yours truly, always.
M.

..

the last poem:
Shiva's dance


i keep using the word "last"
the last time
the last second
the last thought
the last lie
the very last
no the very last, really
no the last after last
no the lastest
a barren echo
and all i know is
it has no meaning
it almost mocks me
my impotent declaration
any strength it once held
now drips out like oil
constant
i stop
and all i see is
sometimes "last" will not exist
i read you my last poems
you didn't know i write
and you liked them
and you laughed
listened
it didn't make them better
it created another poem entirely

do you write poems
Shiva


unrelenting fireworks
of the past present future
all changing
and shifting face
replacing my neurons
my truth is not my truth
it stands as a stranger
my truth is just as true as the word "last"


sometimes i actually feel
like I really am Shiva
dancing
annihilation in one eye
and birth
in the other


i mean
nothing has changed.
apart from
everything that once was, is no longer
polarities shaking hands
they seem amused


and this is where the first summer sunrises
find
me
as unravelled
as i am whole


Shiva
how do you still dance
...

tonight

You know what, I'm going to bed happy tonight.

Really, I just realised this hasn't happened in a while.
That it's 0:38 and I'm in bed and ..smiling!!
So cool!
Excellent.
I'm really really liking this.


Oh, AND, I MOVED!!!
The same flat I helped move E. into some time ago and now the Penthouse is mine! :)
I'm renting for a few months, I decided to spend my spring-summer with circus, ease and happiness.
Therefore, I moved.
And Pisces is joining me soon!!
We're gonna have 2+2Fish=4Fish joint affair for the summer months.

For those who didn't know - I'm also a Piscean.


And now I'm here, in bed.
I've got a window open and the birds are singing.
Why, crazy birds? It's just past midnight!
So I'm in bed, listening to birds singing.
Some candles are burning and I'm drinking coconut water.

I finished some programs today, for Thursday concerts.
Tomorrow I'm going for a walk in the morning, then seeing a run through of this new Donizetti production at the National.
Then dad has offered to get me some stuff I need for the flat - a kettle, a pan so I can cook something, and something to cover the sofa with.


And so, good night.
I'm gonna smile some more and go to sleep.

Yours truly.
Love, always.
M.

right now

This is what I want.

And this is all if I'm honest.
All the work and projects and ideas, nope.
I want to be topless, somewhere in Italy, drinking wine on a balcony.
Or by a pool.
Or whatever.
That's what I want.
I want some Italian man with a love of opera to call me "bellissima" and that's it.
That is all.

Thanks, byyye!

Yours truly.
With love.
M.

break

So.

Where am I up to so far.

Spring is here.
And I plan to have May (and June definitely as well) as months where I don't worry about "the future". The ever elusive entity.

Months where I let the beginning of this year, all this so far, sink in, slowly and softly, steadily, and calmly.
Just. sink. in.
And this plan is solid.

I want to calm down.
I want to not-stress and I want to not-worry.


There's this idea swimming around at the moment of enrolling at the Academy here.
I wasn't sure at first but I'm really really warming to this idea.
I went out last night with Keiu, to this old shipyard, where house music legend Marshall Jefferson was hitting the beats.
The whole place looked amazing and the crowd was really excellent.
Really a different side of Tallinn and new to me.
And as I was there, dancing away, I thought of the Academy and all these other things I could do in Estonia.
And suddenly it just felt so right, and awesome, and excellent.
I've had my heart set on staying home for some time now, but I haven't really understood....the hows and whys and wheres and you know. The rest of it.
And now I feel like Reason has caught up with Intuition.
Welcome onboard, son!



I want to enjoy the fact that I'm alive, I want to enjoy that I have this mind and spirit and body, and I want to enjoy that I'm home and it's spring.

I want my insides to feel happy.

That's all.

Oh, and I want this dress below.
Thankxxx.

Peace out, all your lovely people.
Follow your own measures of right and wrong.
Necessary and unneccesary.
And when something doesn't feel right - DON'T DO IT.
When something is giving you crazzyyy fear or panic - DON'T DO IT.
Just stop for a bit, figure out what is causing you all this pain and suffering, and then carry on.
There is no deadline, no opinion or no anything more important and valuable than You and your health and your well-being.
Keep your heart strong, keep your heart happy and the rest will work itself out.
But with a fearful heart, with a sad heart you cannot get to the right things anyway.
Stop jumping over your own shadow.

Here's some photos of Slavic babes.

Love, always.
Yours truly.
M.

una vita italiana

"And so I got to do what I do best - moan."


Happy Spring.




Don't make me less.
Don't dim my anything really.
Just, yeah.
So, make me more, or go to hell.
Unleash, or hands off.

This will be step1.

Second quarter here we go, and this will be step1.



The only thing I believe in is Poetry.


Yours truly.
M.

costume

Hejj!

✿ It's May!! ✿ ♥ ☼


So.
I've got this big gala coming up on Sunday, YAY!
The teacher I'm working with, Paolo, it's an opera gala with a big bunch of his super awesome students singing at it.
And me.
Like people from the Latvian National, and these awesome competitions, et cetera.
And me.
SO COOL!
I just started studying with him beginning of December and he is amazing.
And this concert is gonna be so much fun!
I was so stressed about it and un-zhuzhed beginning of the week but the excitement has returned.

So I'm still ill, but I had our first lesson today (Paolo lives in Italty so he comes here every few months) and it was super awesome!
And now I'm going to google-inspire myself in terms of the costume for Sunday.
Basically - I've got two outfits.
_one is just a concert dress, formal.
_second is a more casual costume for Zerlina, the peasant girl, who ends up getting quite down and dirty with Don Giovanni - and this I currently don't have.

Therefore I'm channeling cute milkmaid.
Or like, lolita-esque free nature spirit girl.
Simple.

So inspiration away, ahoy!

Peace out, happy first of May!
Yours truly.

M.