weekend

Again, completing an old draft.
This was started in the beginning of May.

SO!

My Italian teacher was here end of April-beginning of May and at the end of his teaching period we had 2 concerts.
In addition to individual lessons we had a bunch of rehearsals with the other singers who had flown to Tallinn from allsorts of places around the world.
Croatia
Serbia
Latvia
Lithuania
Japan
Italy
I think I've forgotten someone.
But anyway - a real mix.

And my spring has been truly the one of a hermit.
And it was the most wonderful weekend!
We had our first rehearsals on the 1st of May and the last concert on the 6th of May.
And I just cannot explain how inspired I was by this bunch!!


First of all, the levels of talent, and more importantly, hard work and focus and persistence and consistency these (young) people showed was incredible.
The voices were absolutely mind-blowing.
And secondly, how incredibly nice and generous they were as colleagues!
Just crazy.
And how much fun!
I mean, because a lot of them were from the sunnier sides of Europe their attitude was very different.
So fabulously open and sincere.
Singing on the streets in the Old Town at midnight, the rehearsal fun, and working together, the post-concert meals. All of it.
I am so pleased and grateful that I met this teacher and through him met this bunch of people and got to share that amount of time with them.
It just gives you such energy to focus and work and have fun!

It takes all the work out of work.

Incredible.

I really hope I will get to see at least some of them if not all of them again some time.

And we could all carry on where we most certainly left off.


Here's to inspirational people.
I often forget how much it means and matters, the people who surround you.
It's not just about having people you spend your free time with.
This is all the people, all the time.
People you discuss your passion with, people you work with, people who drive you further, and upwards, and onwards, and give you speed speed speed and fire and life, and make you vivacious and ambitious and joyous, and any other word ending in "-ous", frivolous even.

Just their generosity, blew my mind.

I mean, I have so much performance experience it's crazy, but technically I need to grow in confidence, in terms of opera.

And the attitude of other singers was just so supportive and amazing, again, blew my mind.

I was freaking out before concert number 2 and one of the singer guys just said, "why would you worry. Sing for yourself and god."

None of them added fear, none of them made me feel like I was doing or choosing wrong.

Just an abundance of love and care.

Spectacular.

That's what life is about.
I saw this quote today, that if you cannot find people who help you on your road, walk it alone. I believe Buddha said something along these lines. And I believe this so much.
But I would like to add, once you find the people who Do help you, like you, guard you and keep you, keep them too. Make sure they know you like having them around, share with them, and help them too.

It's cool.
A life-shared.
That's one of the few things I think I truly believe in.
So I think it's time for me to start living by this as well.


Pisces and I celebrated moving in with planting some herbs, and one of them is RISING!
I'm so excited I can't even describe.


Happy Sunday, and Happy Monday!

Yours truly.

As always.

With love.

M.

unity

This is the thing.


Self-unity.
I used to be good at being on my own.
As a child I really loved doing allsorts on my own.
I liked drawing so much.
And I loved writing.
Music, dancing.
I loved doing so much.

And I celebrated what I was.
I celebrated being me.
Not consciously, or I wouldn't have called it that, of course.
Children have this innate way, they just feel joy, at moving and doing.
What is celebration?
It's a sense of two things for me: joy and pride.

And this is the thing.
It's not that I'm not on my own lately - I am, and quite a lot, but there is a huge difference between just spending time on your own and excelling at the Self relationship.
You know, what it feels like to be you.

We need to celebrate our being.
That's what I lack.
I have awareness of what I am or am not, this is solid and detailed knowledge.
But pride or joy?
There is no shadow of celebrating being me.
And I believe this is the single true driving force of those people who really expand, themselves, their life, walk their path, being true to their soul.
Joy!!
Where the crap is my joy in being me?
Therefore there is also no celebration, goddammit.

And that's why some of the truest wonderfulness in my life turns into a chore.
Tasks and unpleasantness and deadlines that don't excite me, etc.
The question is not the tasks themselves, it's all about how I see myself.


Also, currently there's thunder and lighting outside.
This helps EVERYTHING.


And so.
My point is.
Celebrate!
Celebrate you.
You don't need to have a party or the weekend or a birthday or whatever, just have Joy is Yourself, and Pride in what you do.
If you don't feel Joy, look into it - what is keeping you from this?
If you are not Proud of what you do, look into it - there is always something you can do to help yourself. Have courage and change what you need.

Then add these two together and CELEBRATE, you spirit!
Everything else is a waste of time.
And once again - always go inwards.

Rain is BEATING down.
If I wouldn't understand physics, I would think my roof is actually going to come down.
Cool!

Yours truly.
M.

exquisite

So the thing, mainly, is - I want my life to be exquisite.

And what I mean by this is that I want flowers, to sometimes see the sea and enjoy the little things.
Enjoy being, have good hair, eat good food.
Sometimes wear a big sunhat and maybe have a glass of wine.
Have a meaningful conversation with a stranger.
And sometimes not-so-meaningful ones with my friends.
I want music and birdsong and Nature.
Tastes and sounds and textures.
An exquisite life has people in it.
And joy in everything.


That's what I want and that's what I mean about an exquisite life.

Poetry, and sunlight, and freedom.

Freedom.
Above all, freedom.
Always.



Also, I have a problem.
I am fully aware that this makes me one of THE most ungrateful assholes ever to have walked the face of the Earth (..too dramatic maybe) but here goes - I hate my voice.
Not the sound of it, having it.
Especially lately.
It feels like, I'm blaming my voice for some things that have happened recently.
I know rationally this is ridiculous, but this keeps swimming to the surface.
This feeling of hatered towards my gift.
I'm too scared to say this out loud so therefore I'll write about this.


This is what is holding me back, this is the feeling that means that I'm holding on tight to my own tail and then wondering why I can't run forward.
This is the thing I keep coming back to.
All my restrain and life-boundary seems to be wrapped up in my voice.
All my freedom lies in it too.

It's so hard to muffle the voices saying it's not enough.
I guess by that way of thinking it will never be enough.

But I don't know how to shut it off.

But I can tell you here and now my friends that this needs to be solved, because if every time I sing it's going to feel like going through a meat grinder I will need to change profession.
And I don't want to do that.

So therefore.
A solution.
Turn off the voices, silence the chorus of disapproval.
I'm too good and too young for this.


My life was different when it was a theatre life.
It was very different.
So this really is all tied to the voice.
But it would be extremely stupid to run from this.

And one thing I have to stay away from is people who fuel any destructive fires.
I've got enough petrol as it is, thank you very much.
I rather need people who are gonna help me get rid of anything and everything flammable.


It's busy, in my head.


I wanna get free.
So I can use what I have been given.






And live my life, the exquisite way I want to.




With love.
Yours truly.
M.

gioia de vivere

Hey, guys!

So.
This Italian teacher is currently in Tallinn, and the past few days we've had crazy emotional lessons.
Yesterday I was so...under pressure, that I couldn't really sing.
The Italian pointed out that there's so much muscle tension and just control and pressure, that the voice doesn't sound free.
(Let's just tie this is with me not feeling free lately, in general...)

Anyhow.
So.
Today he basically said that he doesn't think I have a clear understanding of how to enjoy life.
And the problem, my dear darling friends, is I have to agree.

And this needs to be changed.

And the funniest thing is - it's so evident in my voice.
The weight of what I think and how I perceive myself and this life on this planet sounds in my voice - it simply "sits" too low. The placement needs to be higher. It's like......okay, take a balloon right? It's full of helium, but if you add a small bag of rocks to the string it cannot take off.
It simply cannot do what it is supposed to do.
And this is what it's like with my voice.
How fascinating that my job, my "work" is showing me how to live.
Giving me guidance.

So.
Gioia de vivere, joy of life.

And so I got to thinking about this.
What does this mean, what does it mean to really enjoy life?
I mean, number 1, no one can be happy ALL the time. It doesn't work like that. So "Be happy" is not what I should be thinking, that's stupid.
And then I got to thinking..
Earlier on I was in a rehearsal, and I wasn't feeling good. I was sad, and angry, and a little disappointed, so I said this to my Pianist (the biggest sweetheart on the planet). I said, I am sad, and angry, but we will have this rehearsal and it will be good.

And it was.

And all the time when I was there I didn't lie to myself, I didn't pressure myself into being less this or more this or whatever, less sad, more happy, I just...WAS.
Exactly what I was, felt what I felt, and experienced what I experienced.
No "keeping it together", no deceit, no faking of anything.

And you know what?
Something changed.
EVERYTHING BECAME EASY.
This honesty in being meant I didn't suffer anymore.
I was still sad, I was still angry - but I didn't suffer.

I just was what I was.

And all of it became Enjoyable.

Unforced, honest, raw and truthful.


And that's when I realised that for me, to enjoy life, all I have to do is not lie to myself.
And I think this will be true for a lot of people.
I can allow myself to have the complete and utter freedom to be and feel and experience exactly what I'm experiencing.
All necessary for growth.
BUT if I slap my wrist every time I feel something negative, chances are I'll never truly enjoy the process.
Isn't that what Enjoying Life is about?
The process.
You can't throw yourself off the cliff on bad days.
When life gives you lemons, you can still juggle with the goddamn lemons, and have a great time!!
THAT IS Gioia de Vivere, Joy of Life, Joy of Living.

Freedom.
Freedom to be, freedom to feel and experience.
And when you're having a bad day, say you're having a bad day!!!
When someone has hurt you, say someone has hurt me!!!
Don't wipe it under the carpet and pretend "you're happy" and that this feeling doesn't exist! How can you be free?

So that's me today.
I am currently sat on my sofa.
I'm tired, sad, and a little angry, but so what?!
I'm experiencing these things, and the sunshine is still warm, and stars still shine bright!
I'm sad, yes, but I'm also feeling the Joy of Living, and that is pretty awesome.

SO BE SAD, BE ANGRY, BE WHATEVER YOU ARE.
Just be honest to yourself!!!
And even in the darkest deepest sadness and despair, chocolate will STILL taste wonderful, art will STILL comfort your soul, your friends will STILL shine brighter than all the suns and moons, and life will STILL be marvellous!
JUST
STOP
LYING


Have fun with being free, I love love love you all.
Have fun being sad, have fun being lost, have fun being angry.

I know this sounds super odd, but it makes life easier, more fluid, forever in motion, and full of Joy.

Gioia de vivere, even when skies are gray.

Love, always.

M.

accept

Hey, guys.

So.

Today has been a day of Acceptance.

It feels like I've finally given in to the flow of the wider universe, the constant motion of life.

Not gonna lie, it feels like giving up in a way..

But I think this feeling exists in a way which in the long run will only serve me towards the positive end. 

However, right now, it feels a little.....hopeless.

Correction: very hopeless.

I guess the point is, we give up, stop fighting all the goddamn time, Accept what Is.

And then, sure, a little hopelessness is fine. I effectively have just created a void of some kind, y'know?

However, now it's up to me to fill it.

Fill this void.

With Love, inspiration, and kindness.

The space which was filled with fighting and holding on, is now empty. 

Acceptance and Accepting makes new space.

Creates new space.

Which today, right now, right here, feels EMPTY.

Emptiness, void void void.

Dark matter.

But this is okay.

This is okay.

Let go of what was.

Be grateful for what is.

And have hope for what is yet to (be)come.

The third one has to now become a huge priority.

I have chosen this direction, I've started discovering and searching and looking and questioning, and the "stop" button doesn't exist.

So all I can do is hold on, keep my focus, ride my wave, and have hope for what is yet to Be.

Oh, and definitely have to give praise where praise is due for how far I've got.

So, here's to you, Acceptance!

I've met you, I'll keep you and the stuff that's gone - well, I'll replace it with something that gives me FORZA VITALE - life force.

Peace and love.

I hope wherever you are, whatever you are doing, however far you still have to go - that you always have someone to turn to for guidance, a hug, or just company.

A shared life.

With love, always.

M.

tln

And so I'm officially back in Tallinn!

And writing on my laptop. Gosh, it's been so long!

So.
Happy Monday evening, everyone!

The three first concerts have gone extremely well.
Full houses and crazy great audiences.
And the program is so good, I absolutely love doing it.

Now I have 5 days till we have the next 3 concerts (2 on Saturday, one on Sunday) and then we're done!
It'll be so so sad!
I'll miss this bunch of people.
It has already been such a learning experience.

Seriously.
Life makes my head spin.
In the most wonderful way.
But I feel a little like a 5 year old who is spinning just a little too fast.
This feeling of great joy, and a little bit of fear, at toppling over.
But I guess even if my head starts to spin too much, and I do topple over, I will have people to gimme a hand, help me off the ground, and laugh it off.
So again, I always get back to this one point.
Fear is human.
Fear is natural.

Happy 3AM, everyone.
I've got too many thoughts.
Love to all of you.

Yours truly.
M.

monologue

(Excuse the language.)
(Didn't wanna delete it though. It adds to the tone.)

[2/24/2013 10:42:40 PM] ML: oh yes
[2/24/2013 10:42:49 PM] ML: f***ing jesus. this is gonna be so weird
[2/24/2013 10:42:56 PM] ML: F**K i want to work in theatre
[2/24/2013 10:43:41 PM] ML: so why not?
[2/24/2013 10:44:04 PM] ML: lol, i just had an internal A. go - well whats the f***ing problem then ASSHOLE? (less aggressive than that but you know)
[2/24/2013 10:55:48 PM] ML: okay
[2/24/2013 10:56:02 PM] ML: emotions. lots of fear. that i would like to "release" into the universe. and replace with excitement, thanks.
[2/24/2013 10:57:23 PM] ML: i hope youre sleeping. im still gonna carry on
[2/24/2013 10:57:40 PM] ML: f**k this is so exciting
[2/24/2013 10:59:50 PM] ML: i might vomit
[2/24/2013 11:00:51 PM] ML: i havent been this excited in so long. and i will do my f***ing utmost not to bury this under "expectations" and "fear" and "brand" and "image"

[2/24/2013 11:02:06 PM] ML: and i will write this monologue down


I've come back to the drawing board, and this idea is always there.
Always.
So why not.
I always say this, but these things take time.
As long as we are talking, and thinking, it is fine.

Yours truly.
M.

Friday

Happy Friday, people!

I'm home, and Gordon is keeping me company, with Masterchef USA.
I love that man, and I don't even care.
Eating some cherries and chilling out, in preparation for the concert tonight.
Tonight we're performing in central Estonia, which is where my dad's side of the family is from.
So it's always a little bit like a real home-coming for me.

Last night was hometown gig.
We sung in this biiggg church in Tallinn and it went super well.
Then I ended up at the Spaniard's, asleep, filing my nails, which are now PINKKKK.
I also had some pizza.
And I also watched an hour and a half of the worst horror movie I have ever seen in my life.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0995863/
Why I watched this, I cannot say.

Almost time to go and chit-chat with the pretty one, before heading off.

If I'm honest with you, I'm really looking forward to having the time to go and adventure freely.
I'm really, really enjoying the tour this summer. I've managed to steal some real relaxation time here and there, so it's so much better than last year.
When I officially turned into a psychopath.

So, happy Friday, everyone!
Have a super start to your weekend.

With love.
M.

And I want to analyse this and concentrate on it soon.

joie

Joy of life.
Apparently this month is meant to be second to none in terms of Pisces and their planets.

So, listen, the thing is.
If there is anything positive, planets, signs, symbols, whateveeerrrr, if it's positive, I'll take it.

So yes, some planets are meant to be aligning in the best possible way for Pisces.

Let's go crazy.

Joie de vivre.
M.

The Joy of Detachment

I've often spoken about this with dad, because he is one of the people who think detachment is something that makes you cold and un-bothered, and so on.
I've just been reading Lazy Yogi's blog for a bit. He is 25-year-old guy, and he is awesome, and so I decided to post this.

Peace.
M.

Detachment is an often advised quality to cultivate on the spiritual way. But this advice is frequently misunderstood as remaining cold, aloof, and indifferent toward life. It is anything but. 

Real detachment may be recognized by the arising of joy. Detachment, happiness, and contentment are one and the same. 

Suppose you really love strawberries and currently have a massive craving for strawberries. It just so happens that you discover a fresh and beautiful carton of these berries in your refrigerator. So you sit down and savor them, one by one. 

Someone comes and offers you chocolate, soda, popcorn, all sorts of snacks. But you don’t feel any desire toward any of that because you are so filled with your enjoyment of the strawberries. That is like true detachment. 

But that detachment doesn’t come because of strawberries, or anything for that matter. It comes when you discover that your happiness, your peace, your joy, are nothing else but your Self and it is found nowhere else but within. 

Then detachment naturally happens toward the transient play of this world and body. It doesn’t mean that you have distain for them or aloofness or rejection. It simply indicates that you are no longer seeking the right things in the wrong places.

In your own company, before mind, body, and ego, shines the company off all beings as the Self; One without a second. Therein is always peace, freedom, and happiness.

This doesn’t mean that you don’t have compassion and love toward the people you meet and the events in life, but you do not depend on them for any form of happiness. Then you can really enjoy what comes since there is no element of need or insecurity involved. 

Practice detachment. Remind yourself that all of this need not be taken as the end all be all of existence. Go within, practice meditation and mindfulness throughout your day. Discover the joy that is your awareness endlessly beholding itself. 

Then detachment is found to be a blessing beyond all blessings. 

Namaste, sangha.
/Lazyyogi.org

cake joy

I feel this truly is one of the purest forms of joy.

Cake.
M.


This was with E.
She didn't have cake tho.
Otherwise it would have been DOUBLE-cake-joy.

wellies

Having some wellies is just so good.

(Still don't understand what my camera resolution is up to.)

Wear more wellies.
M.

saturday

This was Saturday.

This is the Spanish one.
And this is fun.

Naised, rä.
M.

yay!

This jumper, honestly, i will wear it like every day.
Also, I love punctuation marks.

YAY!
M.

this poem

I love poetry. I really really do.
And this just, I don't know why, as it is with poems, just hits the mark.
It just gets me inbetween the nerve-endings of my ribcage.
Every once in a while I'm just so happy to find one like this, one poem with this effect.
I hope you'll like it, some of you enjoy it, and that a few of you who love poetry will love it to the unreasonable extent I do.

12.22.
M.

Mamma Mia!

Mamma mia.
I heart Mamma mia.
Simple as.

ABBA's tunes are just genius.
And it's a very good plot for the songs to work, really work.
I mean, I think I've watched it an offensive amount, but it just keeps coming out again and again.
So good, so feel-good.
And I think we all need more things like that.

Also, I don't think anyone can really not admit how great the cast is.
Stellan, Meryl, Colin, Julie as well, and of course Pierce - I mean, really.

VOULEZ-VOUS, and feel-good.
M.

homecomfort

Back to the post about the little moments a day, of just little comforts.

I'd like to go hiking. Well, maybe not necessarily hiking - rather for an adventurous mountain-air walk. Not such a "little comfort", plus I want the ground to come out from undernearth the snow, and then I shall look into this. Maybe find a cool place around London, and do it before The Move.

But cups of tea, and good baths, and favourite movies.
I found this list on this blog. The list was called "Feeling Sad?" and I quite liked it. Not that I was feeling sad, but I thought the list was good anyway. (I'll give you a selection)

Here’s all the things I do to help myself feel less sad:

(if you have any more suggestions, send them to me and I’ll put them up here!)

- Ride a bike.

- Pet my dogs.

- Color in coloring books.

- Do yoga.

- Light some candles and meditate.

- Take a bath with all the fancy works.

- Throw paint on canvas, literally just throw it.

- Walk outside.

- Go for a run.

- Watch Lord of the Rings.

- Smile, even though I never want to, it does make you feel a little better.

- Talk to friends.

- Get a bulletin board and fill it with pictures you like.

I really liked it. But I do think dancing should ABSOLUTELY be on the list as well!

I am also in love with the fact that she has Lord of the Rings on the list - I went through a period of just watching it every day, for kicks. I didn't even like it that much before, and then BOOM - daily occurrence. Why not.

So.
Small things that make a big difference.
M.

Also. Some of you might not like tea, and baths, and Lord of the Rings at all, or you might not enjoy dancing, and walking on mountain tops which is soooo unquestionably fine.
Just find the little things that do make you happy, that's all.