essay1: my own

She believed a great happiness awaited her somewhere, and for this reason she remained calm as the days flew by.
_Gyula Krudy

This is a personal essay about growing into a Woman.



Dear You,


I have to start with saying, this is all very new.

I've always been quite on par with the male energy.
The strength, the drive, the plans.
However, it got so rigid.
I got so very rigid.
And I completely abandoned the free-flowing force of creating.

So I'm writing about the Woman.
This loving, creative, inspired energy, that flows.
And moves.
And never runs out.
The sacred and dirty, the muddy and untouched.
This undying space and capacity to Love.
Not demand, but turn to kindness.
The strength that it takes to remain gentle is immeasurable.

And there are many kinds of women.
Quiet, loud, strong, gentle, long-haired, short-haired - I don't care.
Blah blah, not the point, at all.
I'm talking to all of you, the whole spectrum.

This is a post to the women who happen to read this.



I really sincerely hope with every cell in my being that you simply don't give a f*ck.


I really hope you give yourself the freedom to really, truly, and honestly, let yourself turn into the Woman you desire and wish and need to be.


Not the woman someone expects.
Your family, neighbours, the society, or even your close friends.
It does not matter.
It really really really really does not matter.
At all.

Just give yourself the freedom to Grow into the Woman you want to be.
I think I'm just on my way.
To being the Woman.

So far it's like I've been a projection.
A projection of ideas, of some things, or something.
But now it feels like I'm growing into my own bones.
Slowly, very slowly, and it feels a little weird, and sometimes it's painful.

But the bottomline is.
There is infinite potential in being a Woman.
And I mean, Your Own Woman.
Not just female, as in having the parts, but really living according to your own standards.
WHATEVER they might be.

And this is when what is dry turns wet, what's lost is found, what's far is near and so on and so on.
Just you being you, with you sprinkled on top.
To fulfill you.
To make you proud.
To free yourself to be more Yourself.
And the cool thing is, this is quite the opposite of selfish - because what follows is a new force to share and give and connect.

This is not meant to sound like I'm making the status of Man any smaller - I just don't have the privilege of being one.
And so I discuss Women.
This freedom of looking, acting and speaking like YOU want.
To make yourself proud and free.
A Woman like that is as steady as the sea.
A force in her own right, boundless measures of creativity and the will to make it happen.
Whatever "it" is.
So many of us glance at the love-side of the fence, to find this magical space, but I really don't think we'll ever find what we're looking for without this freedom of Being.
This abundance of being You.
My expectations about myself.
Woman.
How I see it.

With the strength, and creativity, and caring/not-caring, and passion and drive, and softness and gentleness.
Not just an image of Maria, but actually Maria.

I somehow felt a little of this today.
I hadn't been feeling well all day, and all of a sudden there it was.
And it was so nice.
This completely stress-free way of being and breathing.
So steady, soft and strong at the same time.
Breathing in my things, and exhaling my things.
Not anyone else's past pains or failures or ideas or obsessions.



This is the light I have to follow.
And go where it leads.
And this will only ever lead to more light.
Like my singing Teacher said: "If it feels good, it is good."




So.
Follow your own rabbits, ladies, seriously, girls, you guys, please.

And if you happen to be chasing someone else's, be smart enough and brave enough to face it for what it is.
And then let it go.
Let them run.
Watch the strange rabbit run and run and run and turn into a tiny speck on the horizon before it disappears completely.
And then stand there for a while, lost and somewhat baffled.
Probably quite scared.
But have faith in the fact that sure enough, your own rabbits will come.
Your own heart will beat after your own desires.
And then you can start chasing the poor rabbits again.
But the true ones.
Your true rabbits.



I will be My Own.


I hope to meet many Women like this in my lifetime.
And one day I hope to be one, really be one, so someone who is not yet free can look at me and go, Look, she has grown her roots and grown into her roots, I want to get there too.


All I have is what I am.
And that is everything.

Love, always.
M.

20,000

We passed 20,000 views as I was away!
I'm so pleased.

This has really been coming from last September when I started blogging much more.
So a year with you LOVELY people!
Thank you so so much, for dropping by and reading my ramblings.
Seriously, I kinda love you all for it.

I hope I still provide something good to read and you keep finding something interesting, and yourself, in the process of it all.





So.
This post about "See yourself succeed".

I've been going through some really stupidly tricky times, and today kind of ended up being the emotional culmination of it all.
But it's much better now, and after a long-long chat with A. and dad+Mrs I'm firmly back on planet Earth, roots, soil, and all.
And I'm feeling good.

I've also been given/given myself some homework.
And this time around the homework is "See myself succeed".

And I promise, I mean, I really promise you, I do not do enough of this.
So this is my homework.

Start seeing myself succeed.
Spend some time contemplating what I really desire.
And get some movement going.

Create your own magic.

With love.
M.

Friday

Happy Friday, people!

I'm home, and Gordon is keeping me company, with Masterchef USA.
I love that man, and I don't even care.
Eating some cherries and chilling out, in preparation for the concert tonight.
Tonight we're performing in central Estonia, which is where my dad's side of the family is from.
So it's always a little bit like a real home-coming for me.

Last night was hometown gig.
We sung in this biiggg church in Tallinn and it went super well.
Then I ended up at the Spaniard's, asleep, filing my nails, which are now PINKKKK.
I also had some pizza.
And I also watched an hour and a half of the worst horror movie I have ever seen in my life.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0995863/
Why I watched this, I cannot say.

Almost time to go and chit-chat with the pretty one, before heading off.

If I'm honest with you, I'm really looking forward to having the time to go and adventure freely.
I'm really, really enjoying the tour this summer. I've managed to steal some real relaxation time here and there, so it's so much better than last year.
When I officially turned into a psychopath.

So, happy Friday, everyone!
Have a super start to your weekend.

With love.
M.

And I want to analyse this and concentrate on it soon.

friends

This is just the period of time when I guess the lesson is to learn who my friends are.
The ones I can really really lean on, if necessary.
And just in general, what do I have.

And I mean, yes, it's hard, understanding just how little solid ground we are all actually on.
But isn't that what I bargained for?
A quarterly life assessment?
So I got what I wanted.

It's just hard.
Not starting to feel lonely, and whatever.
But.
This is for a goal! This is what I need to keep in mind.
This is what I wanted.
A new, solid solid beginning, new foundations.

These are the roots.
These are the roots, and the foundations, and the beginnings of the rest of my life.

With love.
M.

sing your song

There is a tribe in Africa where the birth date of a child is counted not from when they were born, nor from when they are conceived but from the day that the child was a thought in its mother’s mind. And when a woman decides that she will have a child, she goes off and sits under a tree, by herself, and she listens until she can hear the song of the child that wants to come.
And after she’s heard the song of this child, she comes back to the man who will be the child’s father, and teaches it to him. And then, when they make love to physically conceive the child, some of that time they sing the song of the child, as a way to invite it.

And then, when the mother is pregnant, the mother teaches that child’s song to the midwives and the old women of the village, so that when the child is born, the old women and the people around her sing the child’s song to welcome it.
And then, as the child grows up, the other villagers are taught the child’s song. If the child falls, or hurts its knee, someone picks it up and sings its song to it. Or perhaps the child does something wonderful, or goes through the rites of puberty, then as a way of honoring this person, the people of the village sing his or her song.

In the African tribe there is one other occasion upon which the villagers sing to the child. If at any time during his or her life, the person commits a crime or aberrant social act, the individual is called to the center of the village and the people in the community form a circle around them. Then they sing their song to them.

The tribe recognizes that the correction for antisocial behavior is not punishment; it is love and the remembrance of identity. When you recognize your own song, you have no desire or need to do anything that would hurt another.

And it goes this way through their life.
In marriage, the songs are sung, together.
And finally, when this child is lying in bed, ready to die, all the villagers know his or her song, and they sing—for the last time—the song to that person.

You may not have grown up in an African tribe that sings your song to you at crucial life transitions, but life is always reminding you when you are in tune with yourself and when you are not.
When you feel good, what you are doing matches your song, and when you feel awful, it doesn’t. In the end, we shall all recognize our song and sing it well.
You may feel a little warbly at the moment, but so have all the great singers. Just keep singing and you’ll find your way home.

http://thegodmolecule.tumblr.com/

Sing your song.
M.

eesti

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY COUNTRY.

Roots, roots, roots.
Thank you, universe, for roots, that keep us grounded and in touch with the core of all that matters. To know where to return and to know where to go to charge your batteries.

For the soil, the sea, the culture.

Palju õnne, Eesti.

Home.
M.