meaning

Making meaning.
Meaning into the meaningless.


I found some today.


I was talking to a friend of mine, about all this.
And all I did was come back to the same conclusion, again and again, that if I and we are VERY honest, none of this has any meaning.
Truly.
At all.


And this is fine, and I accept this.
This is not a matter of changing my mind about this - this is not what I'm after.
I see this as a fact and truth, and I am okay with this.

The challenge now becomes making meaning into the meaningless.

The point is, I accept that it does not have any true meaning, any wider purpose or whatever.
BUT.
The true meaning is doing what we enjoy.
And through this, as a result, exuding our love into the atmosphere.
That's it.
That's all.
The only meaning, in any of this, at all, ever, is just doing what makes our hearts happy.



And so I went to this concert tonight.
It was baroque.
And I felt a want, I felt that I wanted to sing, again, to get up and share and do.
And give.


So this was really something.
It was as if I found a piece of myself I had given away, or something that had got stuck somewhere, in the twigs and thorns, my hemline stuck on some roots, something pulling me back.
And it felt like I got it back.
Like a bit of me flew back into me.


FIND SOMETHING YOU LOVE.
FIND IT, FIGHT FOR IT.
AND DO IT.

It will be the thing that feeds you, and covers you, and protects you, and saves you from drowning.

Find it, look for it, love it.


So I count this as a good day.

Love, always.
Yours true-true-truly.
M.

“I began to realize how important it was to be an enthusiast in life. If you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it full speed ahead. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it and above all become passionate about it. Lukewarm is no good. Hot is no good, either. White hot and passionate is the only thing to be.”

—	Roald Dahl

giving thanks

TONIGHT I feel I must say thanks.

But I feel that tonight I give thanks to myself!

I'm grateful for my courage.

Tonight, I am so grateful to myself, for my strength to sometimes do that which seems terrifying but what I feel and know to be right, and necessary.
Tonight, I give thanks for following my own truth(!!!), my heart and soul, and expressing it.
Tonight, I give thanks for how far I've come!

Tonight I am grateful, I really am.

This morning I felt so stuck and then there was an answer - I saw how I've grown, how I've developed.

How my heart has broken, yes, but broken to get open, break to learn how to Love, how my heart has grown, and how I can hear what my soul says.

And how I have the ovaries to act accordingly.

Amazing.

The Lady at the fasting retreat said with a positive shudder that "something is moving, or happening" in terms of my life.

Where there was none this morning, there is now a speckkkk of true excitement.

And I'm going to help it grow, as best as I can..

This feeling is amazing.

Acting in accordance to Me, my truth.

So my soul is unchained and feels free.

Thanks.

Thanks to you, for reading.

Thanks to the knots that get untied.

And thanks to the Universe.

Find the Sun, face the Sun.

Love, ALWAYS.

M.

me-platform

I follow this Estonian woman.
She writes about energies and such, but even if that kind of stuff is not your cup of tea her wisdom is so on point.

This week she was talking about something called the "ME-platform".

And she coins this as the core of this week.
This is funny because here I am, sat at home, and once again my relationship with the work things is so bad.
I'm so tired of talking about this!!
I bet you're tired of reading about it, AGAIN.
But hey, if it's a problem and it's not going away, I simply must discuss it.


So.
She was basically saying that this idea of the "ME-platform" is just You being You.
But standing on this thought, on that strength of being Yourself, like on a platform literally.
The steadiness.
The stability.
Using yourself as an infinite source for strength and inspiration.

She names Fear as the number1 thing that prevents people from wanting to find, and finding, and then being on their "ME-platform".
Fear of someone not understanding, not accepting, and you know, so forth.
She emphasises that in order for us to build a steady "US-platform" on which this world should stand, we need to have a very steady "ME-platform" and I feel this is something I really, really lack.

And this is so different from self-confidence.
Self-confidence is something you have, but this ME-platform is like, taking the self-confidence you feel, sticking it in some fertile soil, letting it take up roots, grow into a tree.
It's seedling vs. the tree.

So, what exactly am I doing in my life to further this steady, strong and amazing "ME-platform"?
What are the things I should do?
The choices and ideas and actions?
What do I need to change?

God, these are good questions.



She advises to take this week very slow - which I intend to do 112003030404000%.
Many percent.
To do one thing at a time.
Solve one question at a time.
Untie one knot, then another.
The bottomline is to create a stage where I don't want to live under a solitary rock, but rather a very steady ME-platform, where I sing, and share, and RECEIVE what's offered to me.
Where I get to do my art, and share it with people.

There isn't anything fun under a rock.



http://crystalralaksmi.com/eesti/blogi/



Love, always.M.

accept

Hey, guys.

So.

Today has been a day of Acceptance.

It feels like I've finally given in to the flow of the wider universe, the constant motion of life.

Not gonna lie, it feels like giving up in a way..

But I think this feeling exists in a way which in the long run will only serve me towards the positive end. 

However, right now, it feels a little.....hopeless.

Correction: very hopeless.

I guess the point is, we give up, stop fighting all the goddamn time, Accept what Is.

And then, sure, a little hopelessness is fine. I effectively have just created a void of some kind, y'know?

However, now it's up to me to fill it.

Fill this void.

With Love, inspiration, and kindness.

The space which was filled with fighting and holding on, is now empty. 

Acceptance and Accepting makes new space.

Creates new space.

Which today, right now, right here, feels EMPTY.

Emptiness, void void void.

Dark matter.

But this is okay.

This is okay.

Let go of what was.

Be grateful for what is.

And have hope for what is yet to (be)come.

The third one has to now become a huge priority.

I have chosen this direction, I've started discovering and searching and looking and questioning, and the "stop" button doesn't exist.

So all I can do is hold on, keep my focus, ride my wave, and have hope for what is yet to Be.

Oh, and definitely have to give praise where praise is due for how far I've got.

So, here's to you, Acceptance!

I've met you, I'll keep you and the stuff that's gone - well, I'll replace it with something that gives me FORZA VITALE - life force.

Peace and love.

I hope wherever you are, whatever you are doing, however far you still have to go - that you always have someone to turn to for guidance, a hug, or just company.

A shared life.

With love, always.

M.

essay1: my own

She believed a great happiness awaited her somewhere, and for this reason she remained calm as the days flew by.
_Gyula Krudy

This is a personal essay about growing into a Woman.



Dear You,


I have to start with saying, this is all very new.

I've always been quite on par with the male energy.
The strength, the drive, the plans.
However, it got so rigid.
I got so very rigid.
And I completely abandoned the free-flowing force of creating.

So I'm writing about the Woman.
This loving, creative, inspired energy, that flows.
And moves.
And never runs out.
The sacred and dirty, the muddy and untouched.
This undying space and capacity to Love.
Not demand, but turn to kindness.
The strength that it takes to remain gentle is immeasurable.

And there are many kinds of women.
Quiet, loud, strong, gentle, long-haired, short-haired - I don't care.
Blah blah, not the point, at all.
I'm talking to all of you, the whole spectrum.

This is a post to the women who happen to read this.



I really sincerely hope with every cell in my being that you simply don't give a f*ck.


I really hope you give yourself the freedom to really, truly, and honestly, let yourself turn into the Woman you desire and wish and need to be.


Not the woman someone expects.
Your family, neighbours, the society, or even your close friends.
It does not matter.
It really really really really does not matter.
At all.

Just give yourself the freedom to Grow into the Woman you want to be.
I think I'm just on my way.
To being the Woman.

So far it's like I've been a projection.
A projection of ideas, of some things, or something.
But now it feels like I'm growing into my own bones.
Slowly, very slowly, and it feels a little weird, and sometimes it's painful.

But the bottomline is.
There is infinite potential in being a Woman.
And I mean, Your Own Woman.
Not just female, as in having the parts, but really living according to your own standards.
WHATEVER they might be.

And this is when what is dry turns wet, what's lost is found, what's far is near and so on and so on.
Just you being you, with you sprinkled on top.
To fulfill you.
To make you proud.
To free yourself to be more Yourself.
And the cool thing is, this is quite the opposite of selfish - because what follows is a new force to share and give and connect.

This is not meant to sound like I'm making the status of Man any smaller - I just don't have the privilege of being one.
And so I discuss Women.
This freedom of looking, acting and speaking like YOU want.
To make yourself proud and free.
A Woman like that is as steady as the sea.
A force in her own right, boundless measures of creativity and the will to make it happen.
Whatever "it" is.
So many of us glance at the love-side of the fence, to find this magical space, but I really don't think we'll ever find what we're looking for without this freedom of Being.
This abundance of being You.
My expectations about myself.
Woman.
How I see it.

With the strength, and creativity, and caring/not-caring, and passion and drive, and softness and gentleness.
Not just an image of Maria, but actually Maria.

I somehow felt a little of this today.
I hadn't been feeling well all day, and all of a sudden there it was.
And it was so nice.
This completely stress-free way of being and breathing.
So steady, soft and strong at the same time.
Breathing in my things, and exhaling my things.
Not anyone else's past pains or failures or ideas or obsessions.



This is the light I have to follow.
And go where it leads.
And this will only ever lead to more light.
Like my singing Teacher said: "If it feels good, it is good."




So.
Follow your own rabbits, ladies, seriously, girls, you guys, please.

And if you happen to be chasing someone else's, be smart enough and brave enough to face it for what it is.
And then let it go.
Let them run.
Watch the strange rabbit run and run and run and turn into a tiny speck on the horizon before it disappears completely.
And then stand there for a while, lost and somewhat baffled.
Probably quite scared.
But have faith in the fact that sure enough, your own rabbits will come.
Your own heart will beat after your own desires.
And then you can start chasing the poor rabbits again.
But the true ones.
Your true rabbits.



I will be My Own.


I hope to meet many Women like this in my lifetime.
And one day I hope to be one, really be one, so someone who is not yet free can look at me and go, Look, she has grown her roots and grown into her roots, I want to get there too.


All I have is what I am.
And that is everything.

Love, always.
M.

flux

Everything is in flux.

I'm learning lyrics.
For tomorrow's concert.
And trying to visualise things I'd want.
To do.
Work things, and things.
What I would want.

It's so hard tuning out other voices.
Other people and what they do.
Just to focus on me and not copy anyone else, ever.

Surprisingly hard.

And here's this photo I found.
They never used it for this article we made, but it was up online anyway.
And it's SO LIKE ME.


So like me.

Tuning out.
I guess this is where meditation comes into play as well.
The art of tuning out.

The art of being You.
The art of being Me.
The art of being Ourselves, because we have no other options, to be honest.

The art of being Me.

Love to you all.
As always.
M.

what do I want from MYSELF

Hello.

So, the question is - what do I want from ME.

I know what other people would like.

But, hey Maria - what would you like from Maria?

Why thanks for asking.

I'll get back to you when I give myself the time to actually understand that.

In other news, today was good.

Awesome lesson.

Helen is awesome.

And now I'm going to play my word search game and then sleep.

Good night, darlings.

Oh!

And I chopped my hair off.

Myself.

Yours truly.

M.

the flood

After me comes the flood.

Peter Gabriel still on my mind.

So the week coming up.

First of all, Monday through to Wednesday I've got lessons with a new teacher, this Italian man. 

So let's all keep our fingers crossed and hope that this is Jesus sending another literal Jesus my way.

This would be marvelous.

I really seek a Teacher.

Not only in terms of singing but in any walk of life.

I seek advice and council and above all - inspiration.

I seek inspiration in this life.

Then there's also 5 gigs next week, one of which is the opening of The Tour.

Omg omg omg programs omg programs omg.

Omg.

So that's my week coming up.

Literally one week.

Sunday to Sunday. 

Wish me luck.

I will of course keep you posted.

With love.

Yours truly.

M.

poetry

"Ma ootasin Sind sellel külmal päeval. 
Ma tean, et Sa ei teadnud. Nüüd siis tea: 
Ma ootasin Sind. Sellel külmal päeval. 
Ei, vabandama tõesti Sa ei pea.

Kõik otsustati väljaspool meid endid.
Ma ootasin, sest mina tahtsin nii.
Kõik otsustati. Väljaspool meid endid.
Ma teadsin, Sa ei tule nagunii.

Ei, ära ütle, et Sa oleks tulnud,
kui oleksid vaid teadnud, võinud vaid.
Ei, ära ütle, et Sa oleks tulnud.
Ma vihkan valesid. Ka ilusaid."

Doris Kareva.


This poem has my heart.

Yours truly.
M.

Monday

So, Monday!

It's currently nearly 3am.

Tomorrow I want to.
Call the music school.
Call the pianist about listening to a lesson.
Call the singing teacher.
Message about theatre.
Go see National Theatre 50 at the cinema.
Make a now-till-end-of-year plan.
Write up some programme stuff, for 30.11 aaand January.

That's that.
OH and I also want a nice breakfast.
So.
For me to get this, I must get sleepy.

Love and light.
Yours truly.
M.

January 25, 2013

Something happens.

You follow your path. You wake up, go to sleep, wake up, go to sleep.
You go through the steps and the motions. Think your thoughts and do your thing.
Swim and swim, and it's all fine.
You walk the path.
And then something happens.
Suddenly something just happens.
Something happens to you or around you that just flicks a switch.

Something
happens

And then you kind of, notice. 
Suddenly you notice the path, the track, the flow, the motions, and the steps.
Then after that you see what's happened.
You see you, on this track, that is not even yours.
You see the steps, that are not even yours.
And then you see, that this you is not even you.

All because something happened.
A little insignificant something that should've been added and drowned in the white noise that is life.

But it doesn't.
It won't fade out. This feeling stays with you.
It won't disappear, because it made you look up and see that this is not your path.
It nudged you off this course, that only you know how you got onto anyway.
It gives you back the greatest gift, the belief that you can do anything.
You can do what you choose. Become what you choose.
It gives you back your fire.
And oh my, it makes you so grateful.

Something
happens.

So have the courage to go again.
Throw the dice, again. Start, again.
Have the courage to tread a new path.
Because it will pay off.
And you will have people to help you and to care about you.
And at the end of this you will be a more balanced, grateful, content version of you.
The you that is strong and not scared and doesn't just dodge. But instead faces things head on, because why not. Because being a frikkin pirate of life is great, and courageous.
And so much better than being like a halfway version of yourself.
Because let's be honest, that can go and suck d*ck.
Be the pirate, be the Beyonce, be the adventurer, the traveller.
The poet, the painter, the dancer, the singer.
The child, the successful business woman.
The linguist, the acrobat.
The warrior and the wolf.

Because, WHY NOT.

The Devil still doesn't play fair.
M.

freedom

From http://lazyyogi.org/
Love him.

And I love all of you right now.

Light.
Yours truly.
M.

“Discipline, as understood by a warrior, is creative, open, and produces freedom. It is the ability to face the unknown, transforming the feeling of knowing into reverent astonishment; of considering things that exceed the scope of our habits, and daring to face the only war that is worthwhile: The battle for awareness.” ~ Castaneda

Discipline has a negative connotation to most people. It definitely had that connotation for me in the past. Meditation changed that for me. 

On the outside, it looks very disciplined to sit for an hour each day in absolute stillness and silence. But on the inside, it is incredibly freeing. 

Take the idea of focusing, for example. When your mind is scattered in several different directions, then it seems like it takes effort to focus. But when you are entirely present in this moment with what you are doing, then focus is natural. It is effortless. How hard do you have to focus when doing something you love? The focus comes spontaneously. 

Well, when you are always present with what is going on, that focus is natural to you. The same goes for discipline. It is a matter of clarifying your aspiration and aligning your desire in every moment. 

If you are always battling with conflicting thoughts and feelings, you will only succeed in making yourself exhausted. Recognize what you really want and need and how those two are one. Then sacrifice all of your urges and desires that stand in the way. 

Self discipline means to remain unmoved by the transient and unimportant things that crop up on a moment to moment basis. This comes with practice and familiarity. 

But it is also worth noting that the discipline is only thought of as such when those conflicts are there. Once distraction and inner conflict hold now power over you, then there is just peace and the natural way of going with the flow of your life, the Tao. Not resisting what must be done and not avoiding anything. 

Namaste

fire, walk with me

The amount I love the sound of Lykke Li's voice is quite difficult to describe.
And also the fact that she's collaborating with David Lynch is my Fact of the day.
This is SO on repeat.

Yours truly.
M.

always this way

And may I   a l w a y s   be this way.

I hope you've had a most lovely weekend.
I know mine has been.
(Covered in paint and loveliness.)

Tomorrow is a day to get over being snotty, sort some stuff for a work meeting on Wednesday and you know. Blah blah = life.
Point is, I wanna be covered in paint some more, and I wanna sing.

Yours truly.
M.

light the way

I must not forget this.



I don't believe in guardian angels really. Mum always has but they have never been my thing.
But many people along the way have said that I apparently have many.
As I said - it has never been my thing.

I now see it existed, for that reason.
As a guardian, to show me how exactly to carry on living my life.
Which is also why I saw the skies and the entire universe through it.
And myself, and my childhood, and the life I want.
The person I am, the person I could be, the person I do not wish to be.

And Love as I've imagined it.


Not to keep it this time, but to show me the way and path on which to carry on living my life.
Which is what I asked for.
Which is exactly what I asked for.
Direction and purpose.
For someone to show me the direction.

But I am only human so it has taken me this long to see it for what it was.
And as opposed to mourn the loss of something I thought I wanted to keep, I should rather be so grateful that I had this experience, this chance to shift my path.
To grow, and to change. Into someone a lot more like Me.

Because that's the greatest gift any one of us will ever receive.
And right now, I'm so grateful, it's stupendous.

And all this sense of loss or being deprived of something has gone, and all that remains is just gratitude, for having been given the chance to grow like that.
To have this reminder.
To have this sign-post.

It was never mine to keep, but it appeared to show me the direction.
Like in the folk tales.


And I have the Kaleidoscope to keep.
M.