feather heart

forever is nothing
the drips and drops
follow and fall
forever is nothing
there is you
and my heart
too tender and new
shedding the skin
releasing the leaves
it can hold the old
it can hold the tired
but new

i think we were flowers once
swaying
and smiling
taking in the truth as it comes
i think we were flowers once
me and you
equilibrium
and balance
forever is nothing
there's just flowers

my heart is feathers
and i want the wind
to come and carry
my sun
to yours

and for me
new is new

life

It's 0:26 right now, I'm in bed watching Twin Peaks, feeling like crap.

My voice is gone.

Why.

God this annoys me.

Something is clearly lurking somewhere and I can't find it.

Something is clearly troubling me, and it's showing in my voice.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Concerts coming soon. 

Where is excitement.

Upwards and onwards.

I do love you all.

With love.

M.

eclipse

This full Moon and red eclipse situation is such fun....
Literally, today has been crazy!!
The energy is just insaaannne.
But hey, all this Moon drama comes bearing good news and positive changes, so a-okay!
Bring it on, let's do it.
Out with all the old, IN WITH ALL THE NEW.


I want to fall in love with actions, not words.
I want to fall in love with reality, not ideas and wishes.
Reality, not fiction.
ACTIONS, not words!!

Seriously, sometimes I wish I just wrote about everything, names and all just how it is.
I know I won't, but sometimes I would really like to.


So.
I really need to be kinder to myself, respect myself more, love myself better.
This is really a task.
A real real task, a big task.
And this needs a plan.


Out with the old, out with all the old.
Time for ALL the new!

This is what full Moons and especially eclipses are about.
Cleansing, and purifying.
Jamming people into dead-ends so they would have to get rid of the crap.
Claw out.


Red is the colour of love and hate.
Red is the colour of blood and blood is life and death.
All the dualities.


If I could I would put some heads on spears.
Really.
Instead, I'm watching Vikings and thinking of starting Thai boxing on Sunday.
It's been a while coming.


Forever soft, forever strong.


NEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
Please-thanks.
Yours truly.
M.

midnight

Hey, guys!!

Can I just start with saying that the past few days have been really truly wonderful!

First of all, a very unexpected message from a dear acquaintance and a colleague I reallly respect, then some super excellent baroque concerts, then some work meetings with like-minded people, talking about exciting ideas about new projects, and then another super lovely meeting.
It's so nice to receive a hand from the Universe when stuff gets really crap.
I'm so grateful for this pick-me-up.


So the storm has passed I think.


I'm looking forward to doing things.
And I'm feeling nice in my bones.
I don't have many thoughts to share with you this Friday night.
But what I can say is this - I'm feeling steady, and pleased, and happy about the way this energy is moving.

I'm throwing a bunch of stuff out tomorrow, dad's coming to help.
We're dropping them off at this second hand centre where they relocate your things and clothes to people in need.
I've filled a big IKEA bag and my big suitcase.

That's a lot of stuff.
A lot of stuff = a lot of new space.
And this makes me exited!

Upwards and onwards, let's keep our flames burning.


Tomorrow I am doing some shopping in town, I've got a charity concert on Sunday so I need some stuff for that. Then dad and getting rid of the clothes. Then I'm getting my nails done, I'm really starting to enjoy it! And then perhaps a little sunbed - the dress for Sunday is white.
So that's my very simple Saturday.

Love to all of you!
I'm grateful about feeling happy, I'm grateful for making new space and I'm grateful that I feel like I'm making progress.

Follow your truth.
Yours truly.
M.

reminders

hey, guys!!

I'm feeling so cheerful it's almost weird.

We're sat on the bus on our way back to Tallinn.

I'm listening to Beethoven's 9th (thanks, shuffle!), drinking birch tree juice and googling vegan recipes and Eco-shops in Tallinn. Post-fasting you basically have to recover for as long as you did the fast so in my case 5 days. 

This doesn't mean anything else apart from being super gentle to my insides.

Also, I really want a juicer.

Time to check the budget.

Peace and love and happy Sunday!

M.

fertile soil

Hey, guys!

Happy Monday!
This is a post about soil, seeds and fertility.



Spring is a time for new life.
Life coming out of the soil, of muck and mud, making something where there was none before.
It's a season all dedicated to new beginnings, and births.
And planting the seeds.
Plant as many as you can, and find some fertile soil.
Find soil that fits you.
Don't throw your precious seeds of ideas and emotions and needs on soil where people disrespect and disregard you.

Your wishes and your wants are your children - treat them as such.
With love and care and let them grow grow grow, stronger and steadier.
And one day they will make new life themselves.
Don't drown your inspiration, but hold it above water and see what happens.


I felt something today.
I realised that it's time for me to grow and finally see that some things in this world are forever.

That not everything runs out.
Some things don't have a beginning or an end, they just are.
Forces and waves bigger than me and you and all of us put together.
Some things don't run out.
Some things are infinite, the tap keeps running.
Some things don't have a beginning and an end.
They just are.
The Love that flows about in this world is not a limited resource - it flows and flows and flows.
It remains.
Not everything runs out.

And so we don't need to hold on just so tight.
There will always be something to catch us if we just give life a chance to catch up.
It's like keeping your eyes shut really shut, and saying how dark everything is.
There's always something.

But this takes such courage (which I'm working on right now).
To trust that some taps just keep running, running, running until the end of infinity.


Trust life, so magic can come and help you.
Quite seriously.
Love, always.
M.

fasting

Hey, guys!

So.

Fasting.



So.


Basically.
I've been really really struggling lately with focusing my mind.
And getting some space.
I've just been kind of...okay, the best way to describe the feeling is full, but full of nothing, and I feel a need to get some space.
It would affect everything, from singing, to breathing, to being, to Thinking.
In one word, life.

And so.
Pisces mentioned something, this farm house, 2 hours south from Tallinn, and it's a fasting retreat.
Now then.
I've never ever been familiar with the idea of fasting nor have I been particularly positive about it.
But I think it was always because of the context of people saying "I won't eat 2 days out of the week to lose weight and get skinny" and that frankly gets me f_king aggressive.
But, you know me, guys. A retreat of meditation, quiet and peace and space for 5 days.
Yes, please, thanks.
And all of a sudden this idea of fasting didn't feel wrong or violent, it felt necessary.
Just truly necessary, like something I need.
Literally clear the system and clear my head and get some space inside, get some space to breathe, and get some space for something positive to have the place to come streaming in.



So I did some reading.
I know this is seen as something extreme and weird and you know, fill in the gap with any negative adjective.
But all I can give you is what I know.
So I did some reading.


During a "big clean" the body assesses what is necessary and what's not. Everything unnecessary will be released and the necessary remain.
Fasting quite literally gives your cells a restart. The toxins that gather in the system leave, and the cells get a fresh new GO.
It doesn't weaken the system - it strengthens it.
Immune system, nervous system.
More space on the "interal harddrive".
And in addition to new energy, and some serious "forza vitale", it clears your head.
It teaches patience and dedication.
Best done at spring.


And it is spring.
It's spring.
Outside, it is spring.
And I don't feel it!
I need to feel it's spring.
I need it to be spring inside.
I need to get new space, new air, I need to feel like something new is happening and growing, on the inside.

I need to feel potential, a potential for something wonderful to happen.
Oh Jesus mother of 7 heavens, I miss that feeling.
Just potential.
I don't want it start raining gold on my face, or win with some lottery or whatever.
I just want to feel the feeling of Potential.
A space, a potential for something wonderful to happen.


And so I'm going to the retreat.
I'm doing a spring clean, within myself, giving my digestive system a break, giving my cells a boost of energy, and most importantly I'm clearing my head.
Out out out out out out out with the old.
Refresh, reboot, reformat.

I'm going Wednesday to Sunday.
I'll take my books.
I'll take some crayons.
I'll meditate and draw and maybe sing.
And oh, there's a masseuse there.

Just, I'm not still water.
I need air, to breathe, space to think, room for new thoughts and room to let in my enthusiasm.


And of course, I'll tell you later how it was.


Peace out, and love to all of you.

Embrace the duality.
M.

новый

NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW

This is the one pull that I feel most.
The call of New-ness.

nuovo
ny
neu
nouveau
UUS


I hear it all the time.

I get bored so easily.
And how ridiculous is it then to try and mimic someone's ideas.
Someone else's life.
Surely this just makes more boredom.

Always.
Always, just more boredom.
More boredom.
For life.

And this is not what I want.

Maybe that's why I like New Year's so much.
The idea of a NEW year.


Not to give any f*cks, but hear what I hear.
See what I see.
Do what I do.
Follow what I follow.


Here's the thunder.
With love.
M.


I'm thinking of a new photoshoot.

okay is not okay

Aka Let Me Entertain You.

31.12.2013

Last one.

The last day.

And the last evening.

And here I am.

Sat on the Spaniards sofa.

Sitting, and breathing, and waiting.

Waiting for some peace and calm to arrive.

Or rather, to settle.

The last day of the year.

Last day of 2013.

I guess all I'm really feeling is gratitude.

I'm grateful for the year I've had.

I'm grateful I've had the lessons I've had.

I want to accept that there are no bad things.

Everything is positive, all that is is a frame of mind.

If I'm very honest with you, 5 hours before we enter 2014, I'm really scared.

I feel fear and I don't really know why.

I guess I'm scared of understanding that This Is It.

The "rest of my life" I've been waiting for.

There's nothing left to do, but live the life I want.

And this fear is huge, honestly.

I'm scared of making wrong choices I think? Or saying the wrong thing?

Of ruining this feeling?

Or ruining this "golden path" that I can see somewhere in the close distance?

But.

Fear is fine.

Fear is human.

Fear is an emotion and without emotion we are no longer alive.

So it is all perfectly fine.

Fear is fine.

Everything is fine.

But at the end of it all, jump in.

Head first, feet first, heart first, spirit first.

And do it.

Impossible is nothing.

All that restricts you is the bounds of your heart and soul.

And once we accept that this actually is infinite, and infinity, there's nothing more to do but act.

Trust (!!!!) the Universe, trust life and trust in the endless capacity of love that drives this whole system, round and round.

And so here I am.

On the Spaniards sofa.

Soon I'll get changed, drink my tiny vodka, and my large champagne that I bought to celebrate the end of the tour.

All I want from this life currently at hand is to give and receive Love, give kindness in word and action.

Be gentle, and unassuming, and not judge.

I want to take everything exactly as it is, in reality, be present in the moment, not live my life 5 minutes in the past or 5 minutes in the future.

There is no fear in the present.

I want to entertain.

This first quarter century of my life that will soon be finished was under the headline of Songbird.

Next one is for the Prima Donna - it's time for me to work my actual butt off.

Actually actually work it off.

Crazy.

Let me entertain you.

Again and again.

And again.

I love you all.

Happy end of the year.

In Estonia, tonight is called Old Years Evening.

And it's always for contemplation.

So this is my conclusion of 2013.

"Okay" is NOT okay.

Being "fine" doesn't cut it anymore.

Follow your Soul and make your own stars shine.

2014 and the Stallion, bring it on.

I'll greet you with some fear, but so. frikkin. what.

It's time.

Be kind to yourselves, and be honest.

With love.

Yours truly, always.

M.

 

steady

The power of rocking steady.

I'm getting my bus at 10am tomorrow.

RIGA-TLN.

Next week is going to be so so interesting.

So many challenging things, so many new things. 

But I will tell you more once I reach my laptop.

For now, I'm watching Poirot in bed.

I sat in a rehearsal today, Wagner, which I don't usually like. 

I did today.

I'm mellow and relaxed and balanced, I think.

Have a really good evening.

Yours truly.

M.

monologue

(Excuse the language.)
(Didn't wanna delete it though. It adds to the tone.)

[2/24/2013 10:42:40 PM] ML: oh yes
[2/24/2013 10:42:49 PM] ML: f***ing jesus. this is gonna be so weird
[2/24/2013 10:42:56 PM] ML: F**K i want to work in theatre
[2/24/2013 10:43:41 PM] ML: so why not?
[2/24/2013 10:44:04 PM] ML: lol, i just had an internal A. go - well whats the f***ing problem then ASSHOLE? (less aggressive than that but you know)
[2/24/2013 10:55:48 PM] ML: okay
[2/24/2013 10:56:02 PM] ML: emotions. lots of fear. that i would like to "release" into the universe. and replace with excitement, thanks.
[2/24/2013 10:57:23 PM] ML: i hope youre sleeping. im still gonna carry on
[2/24/2013 10:57:40 PM] ML: f**k this is so exciting
[2/24/2013 10:59:50 PM] ML: i might vomit
[2/24/2013 11:00:51 PM] ML: i havent been this excited in so long. and i will do my f***ing utmost not to bury this under "expectations" and "fear" and "brand" and "image"

[2/24/2013 11:02:06 PM] ML: and i will write this monologue down


I've come back to the drawing board, and this idea is always there.
Always.
So why not.
I always say this, but these things take time.
As long as we are talking, and thinking, it is fine.

Yours truly.
M.

release the swag

www.polyvore.com

So.

With the arrival of autumn, my annual feeling of being the most boring person in the country has returned.

So this has created my joint project with A. for turning on the outer swag.
The pretty one suggested going on polyvore.com, which might change my life.

Also, just to be clear, this boringness is absolutely external.
I don't feel interally boring.
I just think I look ridiculously boring.

Also, adding some boyfriend jeans to my wardrobe.
And using Kandee Johnson's videos to learn some new make-up tips.

Because this is where my head is at.
And apparently I consider this very important.

Yours truly.
M.

people

People who make each other extraordinary.

I like that.
There was just this bit in Grey's Anatomy (which might as well be my bible you know).
And there was this bit, about, "I would rather be with you, than be alone, because together we can be extraordinary".
And I like that.
I like the idea (and the reality) of having people, or seeing people, who just lift each other, who click, and something amazing happens.
They bounce off each other, there is something, a 3rd energy, something completely new.
A chemistry.
They just
make
each other
extraordinary.

And I love witnessing that.
So much.

IT is extraordinary.
Extraordinary.

And this happens all over the place.
With friends, colleagues, musicians in rehearsals, actors, dancers.
Or simple strangers.
It happens to strangers.

And it's amazing.

So when you find it, see it, or feel it, appreciate it.
Take it in.
And if you can, don't let it go.

Yours truly.
M.

Oh and, heal your psyche/psychology and find You.

light

I'm passing over.
Seriously, lightest ever.
New territories, kids.
New territories.

Yours truly.
M.

..

Hey, kids!
It's mee.

So, for starters, here's my packing list for HK, written by A.

Neil's packing list for Neverland.

Underpanties

Hot shit bikini

Trainers and hiking shizzle

Shorts (2?)

Daytime lol tops (Scott Disick better be coming)

Family dinner clothes, playsuit is fine for this or whatevs but you know what this entails. 

OUT OUT FUN FUN. Shorts and top are very acceptable. 

Flip flops or some kind of daytime shoe…flip flops are best choice

Heeeeeels!

Something slightly warm for restaurants, cardigan or jacket or something

All the make up things

I'll bring my crimpers

Straightener for CURLY FUN?

PJS and maybe leggings for comfort evening

Sunglasses

Errr

Supremely comfortable things to travel in

Firstly, I love this list. Huge amounts.
This is what tomorrow and Tuesday will hold for me. Getting all these things picked out, washed, dried, and placed inside a suitcase.
Nice and neat.
Wednesday will be my first ever, proper connecting flight.
9.30pm TLN-HEL
11.40pm HEL-HK

Life currently.
Is odd.
I don't talk about these periods very well (I don't talk about many things well, maybe that's why I like writing), so I ask for your apologies in advance.
The truth is, I've let myself down.
I allow myself to fall into these very destructive patterns, and only realise once it's slightly too late.

There are so many good things around me right now, and I should spend every day being grateful for them, as opposed to letting these things go unnoticed.

I've got so many opportunities that just wait for me to work at them and make them happen.
I'll just give myself some credit, because these instances have got shorter, which is divine.
They used to take whole chunks out of my life.

Just kind of, gone. Written off.
But I've done the work, or I guess I'm trying to do the work, so it's getting better as we go.

I don't want to not write.
I don't want to not focus.
I don't want to shut down.

I don't want to become distance.

And for the sake of these things, I work, and I learn.

Lately I'm feeling so many things, I'd like to somehow keep track.
Not necessarily of each and every one, but feel a bit more, detached I guess.
Otherwise it's like, I'm dragged along behind them.


Here's a photo from this 2nd hand sale yesterday.
I found the Perfect Parka for 4 euros.
And I got this awesome ring for 80 cents, and 2 Christmas Surprise jumpers for me and A.

Yours truly.
M.

Can we also just appreciate the fact that when I took this photo for A. to show her my parka, I had slept 4 hours, by photography time at roughly 1pm, I'd had this make-up on for 16hours.

friends

This is just the period of time when I guess the lesson is to learn who my friends are.
The ones I can really really lean on, if necessary.
And just in general, what do I have.

And I mean, yes, it's hard, understanding just how little solid ground we are all actually on.
But isn't that what I bargained for?
A quarterly life assessment?
So I got what I wanted.

It's just hard.
Not starting to feel lonely, and whatever.
But.
This is for a goal! This is what I need to keep in mind.
This is what I wanted.
A new, solid solid beginning, new foundations.

These are the roots.
These are the roots, and the foundations, and the beginnings of the rest of my life.

With love.
M.

retrograde

A while ago I wrote about Mercury being in retrograde.
This time around it's time for Pluto to have some fun.
However, when Mercury's thing lasted a month, Pluto will have lots of funsies for 5 months and we're currently a month in.
So.

http://www.finerminds.com/consciousness-awareness/plutos-retrograde/

As ever, I don't follow these things knowingly. I stumbled upon this and in retrospective the first month has absolutely been following this song and dance.
Besides, these are all nice things and suggestions anyway, so why not.

The article's not very long, so if you've got a minute, look through it.
If anything is of use, we all get a point.
If not, no harm done.

Happy retrograde. 
M.


Me and E. spending a Monday night. Spanish one took the shot. Happy homeland times, one and all.

experience, my darling

Okay, I feel like I should write a semi-conclusive post about the experiences I've had of late.
There's so much stuff that I think I'm already starting to forget.
And I don't write this up anywhere.

So, where do we start.


Prince Rama and the birthday of the Cinema "Friendship", yesterday.
And the girls being super.
Imagine Dragons - Radioactive. Thankyou, A.
Make my systems blow.
New friends and people, S. and K. and E. a little.
And going out with K, and V.
RHIZOME.
Mutantants.
Tallinn Music Week in Von Krahl.
And Inga Copeland in Von Krahl - the music music music

Spanish one's truth time hitting the nail
on the head

Dance more
Dance
so much dancing lately

Easter service singing

Skype conference talking.
More safety in my own decisions

Della Reese and my ringtone "Come on a my house".
Best decision ever
ever

And one of the songs K sent me just making me get up, around 1am, and spending 6 minutes upside down. Mostly in downward dog, leg up, and trying to get back to my friend, supported headstand.
Why
no one knows
And Hallelujah emerging.
Last time I listened to that, 2nd of September 2006.
And it came back last night
Like I told myself not to listen to it unless I'm home.

Dying my hair dark
Lifting heavy stuff
Warrior time

Rhizome Rave
And new people, new people

And K and M-L.
Just, YES.
YES
And dancing with A.
The dancing

And whiskey shots and freedom

And my Guru cousin's lectures and seminars.
New insight
And logical insight
Techniques and things to do, how to get rid of the unwanted.
And everything to do with his place, Lilleoru.
Flowervalley

Looking for things to fan my flames.

The greedy kid being not greedy.
Change yourself and the world around you will change.



In conclusion.
The not-so-subtle message:

WELCOME
TO
THE
NEW
AGE

I Give Thanks.
M.


Ps, I bet I'll read this back in some time, and not understand one. single. thing.
Whatever.

And below, my trusty, trusty, trusty, trusty Hamsa.

MUSIC

Oh my JESUS what new FRESH music does to me!
My spleen has been doing an excited dance for a few hours now!
And it's SO NICE.
Hello, spring, hello, doing things, and hello, no fear.

I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones
Enough to make my systems blow
Welcome to the new age, to the new ageI'm Radioactive, Radioactive

Radioactive.
M.