essay1: my own

She believed a great happiness awaited her somewhere, and for this reason she remained calm as the days flew by.
_Gyula Krudy

This is a personal essay about growing into a Woman.



Dear You,


I have to start with saying, this is all very new.

I've always been quite on par with the male energy.
The strength, the drive, the plans.
However, it got so rigid.
I got so very rigid.
And I completely abandoned the free-flowing force of creating.

So I'm writing about the Woman.
This loving, creative, inspired energy, that flows.
And moves.
And never runs out.
The sacred and dirty, the muddy and untouched.
This undying space and capacity to Love.
Not demand, but turn to kindness.
The strength that it takes to remain gentle is immeasurable.

And there are many kinds of women.
Quiet, loud, strong, gentle, long-haired, short-haired - I don't care.
Blah blah, not the point, at all.
I'm talking to all of you, the whole spectrum.

This is a post to the women who happen to read this.



I really sincerely hope with every cell in my being that you simply don't give a f*ck.


I really hope you give yourself the freedom to really, truly, and honestly, let yourself turn into the Woman you desire and wish and need to be.


Not the woman someone expects.
Your family, neighbours, the society, or even your close friends.
It does not matter.
It really really really really does not matter.
At all.

Just give yourself the freedom to Grow into the Woman you want to be.
I think I'm just on my way.
To being the Woman.

So far it's like I've been a projection.
A projection of ideas, of some things, or something.
But now it feels like I'm growing into my own bones.
Slowly, very slowly, and it feels a little weird, and sometimes it's painful.

But the bottomline is.
There is infinite potential in being a Woman.
And I mean, Your Own Woman.
Not just female, as in having the parts, but really living according to your own standards.
WHATEVER they might be.

And this is when what is dry turns wet, what's lost is found, what's far is near and so on and so on.
Just you being you, with you sprinkled on top.
To fulfill you.
To make you proud.
To free yourself to be more Yourself.
And the cool thing is, this is quite the opposite of selfish - because what follows is a new force to share and give and connect.

This is not meant to sound like I'm making the status of Man any smaller - I just don't have the privilege of being one.
And so I discuss Women.
This freedom of looking, acting and speaking like YOU want.
To make yourself proud and free.
A Woman like that is as steady as the sea.
A force in her own right, boundless measures of creativity and the will to make it happen.
Whatever "it" is.
So many of us glance at the love-side of the fence, to find this magical space, but I really don't think we'll ever find what we're looking for without this freedom of Being.
This abundance of being You.
My expectations about myself.
Woman.
How I see it.

With the strength, and creativity, and caring/not-caring, and passion and drive, and softness and gentleness.
Not just an image of Maria, but actually Maria.

I somehow felt a little of this today.
I hadn't been feeling well all day, and all of a sudden there it was.
And it was so nice.
This completely stress-free way of being and breathing.
So steady, soft and strong at the same time.
Breathing in my things, and exhaling my things.
Not anyone else's past pains or failures or ideas or obsessions.



This is the light I have to follow.
And go where it leads.
And this will only ever lead to more light.
Like my singing Teacher said: "If it feels good, it is good."




So.
Follow your own rabbits, ladies, seriously, girls, you guys, please.

And if you happen to be chasing someone else's, be smart enough and brave enough to face it for what it is.
And then let it go.
Let them run.
Watch the strange rabbit run and run and run and turn into a tiny speck on the horizon before it disappears completely.
And then stand there for a while, lost and somewhat baffled.
Probably quite scared.
But have faith in the fact that sure enough, your own rabbits will come.
Your own heart will beat after your own desires.
And then you can start chasing the poor rabbits again.
But the true ones.
Your true rabbits.



I will be My Own.


I hope to meet many Women like this in my lifetime.
And one day I hope to be one, really be one, so someone who is not yet free can look at me and go, Look, she has grown her roots and grown into her roots, I want to get there too.


All I have is what I am.
And that is everything.

Love, always.
M.

okay is not okay

Aka Let Me Entertain You.

31.12.2013

Last one.

The last day.

And the last evening.

And here I am.

Sat on the Spaniards sofa.

Sitting, and breathing, and waiting.

Waiting for some peace and calm to arrive.

Or rather, to settle.

The last day of the year.

Last day of 2013.

I guess all I'm really feeling is gratitude.

I'm grateful for the year I've had.

I'm grateful I've had the lessons I've had.

I want to accept that there are no bad things.

Everything is positive, all that is is a frame of mind.

If I'm very honest with you, 5 hours before we enter 2014, I'm really scared.

I feel fear and I don't really know why.

I guess I'm scared of understanding that This Is It.

The "rest of my life" I've been waiting for.

There's nothing left to do, but live the life I want.

And this fear is huge, honestly.

I'm scared of making wrong choices I think? Or saying the wrong thing?

Of ruining this feeling?

Or ruining this "golden path" that I can see somewhere in the close distance?

But.

Fear is fine.

Fear is human.

Fear is an emotion and without emotion we are no longer alive.

So it is all perfectly fine.

Fear is fine.

Everything is fine.

But at the end of it all, jump in.

Head first, feet first, heart first, spirit first.

And do it.

Impossible is nothing.

All that restricts you is the bounds of your heart and soul.

And once we accept that this actually is infinite, and infinity, there's nothing more to do but act.

Trust (!!!!) the Universe, trust life and trust in the endless capacity of love that drives this whole system, round and round.

And so here I am.

On the Spaniards sofa.

Soon I'll get changed, drink my tiny vodka, and my large champagne that I bought to celebrate the end of the tour.

All I want from this life currently at hand is to give and receive Love, give kindness in word and action.

Be gentle, and unassuming, and not judge.

I want to take everything exactly as it is, in reality, be present in the moment, not live my life 5 minutes in the past or 5 minutes in the future.

There is no fear in the present.

I want to entertain.

This first quarter century of my life that will soon be finished was under the headline of Songbird.

Next one is for the Prima Donna - it's time for me to work my actual butt off.

Actually actually work it off.

Crazy.

Let me entertain you.

Again and again.

And again.

I love you all.

Happy end of the year.

In Estonia, tonight is called Old Years Evening.

And it's always for contemplation.

So this is my conclusion of 2013.

"Okay" is NOT okay.

Being "fine" doesn't cut it anymore.

Follow your Soul and make your own stars shine.

2014 and the Stallion, bring it on.

I'll greet you with some fear, but so. frikkin. what.

It's time.

Be kind to yourselves, and be honest.

With love.

Yours truly, always.

M.

 

end of the comfort zone

30.12.2013

Penultimate day of the year has just drawn to a close.

We were walking with the Spanish one earlier. We had finished eating some pasta with the pretty one, and I decided to get some nail polish base coat. And off we went.

And so we got to this crossing right in the centre of town, across the street from the main concert hall, Estonia.

Long story short, I nearly fainted I think, or had some form of heart failure moment, because our tour poster aka my face, was on the wall of the concert hall.

Here's a fact about my life.

I have dreamt of the day when I am up there for as long as I can remember. 

Honestly.

And I really think some base soul level something took place looking at it.

I thought I had some time till I got to that?

I don't know, it was just so out of the blue.

Some sort of homecoming, a completion again, to wrap up 2013.

Ridiculous joy, like unhingedly euphoric.

It was strange, to try and say the least.

So now I'm in the Spaniards bed, because this is not a night to sleep on my own.

I need security tonight and she is after all my soul-mum, or some sh*t like that.

What happens at the end of our comfort zone.

Something very peculiar.

Comfort, so called "comfort", becomes very very uncomfortable.

This crazy itch, to do something, the discontent with the Self.

Literally, ants in your pants, wanting "something".

Usually the remedy is to go out, get way too drunk for any human need and party h-a-r-d.

But it won't fix anything.

The only thing to fix any of this is Action.

The remedy is Doing.

Doing what is right for you, for your Soul-Self.

So take action.

And I need to take action.

The thing is.

Healing doesn't happen over night. 

It takes time, it's a decision you make every day.

A choice to let yourself be happy.

So choose right, choose kind, and choose honest.

As always, yours truly.

M.

today

Sooooo today we're literally driving to the other end of the country.

But I'm armed with fresh peas, blueberries and raspberries.
We'll get back to Tallinn just before 2AM.

BUT, this is all fine.
Because this is the countdown of the last 5 gigs!
So I'm really going to make the most of them.

Adventure-cat time!

Happy Wednesday.
M.

lazy yogi

There's this guy on tumblr, calls himself the Lazy Yogi.
And he dishes out some wisdom alright.
His website is really good, too.
http://lazyyogi.org/

This was a response written to some babe, but there's a lot of clever stuff in there which applies to many many people I know.

Hope you are all going to have a peaceful Monday.
M.

Before you open up to others again, open up to yourself. It sounds as if you are still carrying around past pain. 

Instead of dwelling on and reliving how things went in the past, take your attention deeply into this moment. What traces of the past do you bring with you into the here and now?

You don’t need to fight it or change it but rather to become abundantly clear and aware of it. Then you can see it for what it is: past thoughts you are continuing to react to. If you continue to react to a past which no longer exists, there will be no end to your pain. 

Time erases the past on its own and you will move on, but you don’t have to wait for that to happen. Awareness practices such as the one I describe above in combination with daily meditation will help you to let go. 

“There is no remedy for love but to love more.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

The more you close yourself off, the more you will feel isolated. It is to your own benefit that you remain open and loving, of anything be it a flower or a puppy or another human. 

Just because things played out one way in the past doesn’t mean you should assume it will be so forever into the future. Although it may be worth re-examining the kinds of boyfriends you feel attracted to and why. 

Namaste :)

ourselves?

Okay, so I've been thinking about this for a while now.
And had this draft written but never finished.

I think this started when I was thinking of this idea of "working hard" at something. I've always been proud of the fact that if I want to do something or want to get something, I work hard.
Which is great and fine.
However, what if we're working hard at things that just don't deserve it?
Or things which will not bare fruit, because they don't have the potential?


We should all aim at and try to have enough respect for ourselves to recognise the time to walk away.

Often the need to work hard at something is emphasised, over and over and over, and over, and over again. As if the process has inherent value, regardless of the end.
Fine.
I get it.
It's good to work hard, and it will get you places.
But.

Sometimes things just run out of inertia and what happens then?
They come to an end.
Simple as that.

So I really hope, that when the time is right, you and I will have enough bravery to recognise the "stop" point. To say "thank you, this was great", and to walk away.
From anything at all - actual and tangible, or mental, anything.
Anything in your life.
Jobs, ideas, friends, partners, hair colour, your favourite pants, or the city you live in.
Anything at all.

Because at the very very very end of the day, this is your one life, and your own happiness. No one else's.
And even if holding on seems like a brilliant idea, it's not.

So I really hope you have the courage to recognise when it's time to walk away from something.
I'm really trying to start understanding which is which.

As ever.
With love.
M.