feather heart

forever is nothing
the drips and drops
follow and fall
forever is nothing
there is you
and my heart
too tender and new
shedding the skin
releasing the leaves
it can hold the old
it can hold the tired
but new

i think we were flowers once
swaying
and smiling
taking in the truth as it comes
i think we were flowers once
me and you
equilibrium
and balance
forever is nothing
there's just flowers

my heart is feathers
and i want the wind
to come and carry
my sun
to yours

and for me
new is new

this

Well this just happened.

Omg.

Omg.

I am still so full of adrenaline. 

Crazy.

And I'm so happy and so grateful for this!!

With loovvvee!!!

M.

meaning

Making meaning.
Meaning into the meaningless.


I found some today.


I was talking to a friend of mine, about all this.
And all I did was come back to the same conclusion, again and again, that if I and we are VERY honest, none of this has any meaning.
Truly.
At all.


And this is fine, and I accept this.
This is not a matter of changing my mind about this - this is not what I'm after.
I see this as a fact and truth, and I am okay with this.

The challenge now becomes making meaning into the meaningless.

The point is, I accept that it does not have any true meaning, any wider purpose or whatever.
BUT.
The true meaning is doing what we enjoy.
And through this, as a result, exuding our love into the atmosphere.
That's it.
That's all.
The only meaning, in any of this, at all, ever, is just doing what makes our hearts happy.



And so I went to this concert tonight.
It was baroque.
And I felt a want, I felt that I wanted to sing, again, to get up and share and do.
And give.


So this was really something.
It was as if I found a piece of myself I had given away, or something that had got stuck somewhere, in the twigs and thorns, my hemline stuck on some roots, something pulling me back.
And it felt like I got it back.
Like a bit of me flew back into me.


FIND SOMETHING YOU LOVE.
FIND IT, FIGHT FOR IT.
AND DO IT.

It will be the thing that feeds you, and covers you, and protects you, and saves you from drowning.

Find it, look for it, love it.


So I count this as a good day.

Love, always.
Yours true-true-truly.
M.

“I began to realize how important it was to be an enthusiast in life. If you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it full speed ahead. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it and above all become passionate about it. Lukewarm is no good. Hot is no good, either. White hot and passionate is the only thing to be.”

—	Roald Dahl

hole

I really need to drill a hole into my head so all this negativity and stuff can come out.

Seriously.
I'm so tired and so fed up with fighting this, this pressure, but I don't know how to release it, for good.
Just the same themes keep swimming up, and I feel like I'm drowning under them.
And every time this feeling gets stronger.
Hardly riding the wave.

I'm sad, and scared and unsure.
It feels like I've lost, at something, already.
It is like the score is 1-0 to someone else.
Best I can do to describe the feeling.
And then people go, oh but singing comes so easy to you.

I wish I didn't see the mountain I have to climb, but I do.
I'm ignoring starting the climb (..this might actually have a HUGE part in my current state of .....this), but I can see it in the background, constantly.
It's like the Alps.
Once you're there you cannot overlook the fact that they are THERE.

And meanwhile I'm crumbling, and crumbling.


Happy Friday.
I have love for all of you.
I hope you are doing what needs to be done, before it starts weighing heavy.

I hate making myself sad.


Yours truly.M.



And you know what.
Nothing external can cure these rips and tears in the system.
No love can work as glue, no gentle care and affection can melt it back together.
This is only a process for the Self and the Love from this Self.

accept

Hey, guys.

So.

Today has been a day of Acceptance.

It feels like I've finally given in to the flow of the wider universe, the constant motion of life.

Not gonna lie, it feels like giving up in a way..

But I think this feeling exists in a way which in the long run will only serve me towards the positive end. 

However, right now, it feels a little.....hopeless.

Correction: very hopeless.

I guess the point is, we give up, stop fighting all the goddamn time, Accept what Is.

And then, sure, a little hopelessness is fine. I effectively have just created a void of some kind, y'know?

However, now it's up to me to fill it.

Fill this void.

With Love, inspiration, and kindness.

The space which was filled with fighting and holding on, is now empty. 

Acceptance and Accepting makes new space.

Creates new space.

Which today, right now, right here, feels EMPTY.

Emptiness, void void void.

Dark matter.

But this is okay.

This is okay.

Let go of what was.

Be grateful for what is.

And have hope for what is yet to (be)come.

The third one has to now become a huge priority.

I have chosen this direction, I've started discovering and searching and looking and questioning, and the "stop" button doesn't exist.

So all I can do is hold on, keep my focus, ride my wave, and have hope for what is yet to Be.

Oh, and definitely have to give praise where praise is due for how far I've got.

So, here's to you, Acceptance!

I've met you, I'll keep you and the stuff that's gone - well, I'll replace it with something that gives me FORZA VITALE - life force.

Peace and love.

I hope wherever you are, whatever you are doing, however far you still have to go - that you always have someone to turn to for guidance, a hug, or just company.

A shared life.

With love, always.

M.

10/03

Today I woke up away from Tallinn, around 7.30AM, at the Pisces.
Her house is literally in the middle of this field.
It is divine and fills me with the purest of energies.
Coming to Tallinn never goes down too well.

Then I had a meeting.
We're recording this cover, for the summer.
Then I had a lesson.
It was ace. The Teacher is CRAY good.
Even on days like this.
I have SUCH gratitude that she exists.
SUCH gratitude.

Then I ate some cake, came home, and covered every part of myself in coconut oil.
Hair, skin, you name it.
I think it will fix everything.
Then I also cut some hair.

Then I made annotations on this aria, by Bellini.
Translated the whole thing and got my head around it a little.

And now I'm here, sat, on the sofa.
Just downloaded the new Greys Anatomy.
And soon, I'm off to bed.

I also booked some serious treatments today.
Found this Thai place in town, with Thai women doing the treatments.
I need someone with serious skills to bend me open, shift some energies and release whatever is going around in my system.
My back feels like it's carrying half of the Universe.

I feel this is the kind of week we're gonna have.
One where you really have to take care of yourself, when necessary.
Don't postpone it, don't over-look it, don't ignore.
Just listen to your body, and act accordingly.
It's your strongest nest and castle and stronghold.
Don't wreck it.
It's amazing.


Speaking of which - I should eat better.


With love.
Yours truly.
M.

essay1: my own

She believed a great happiness awaited her somewhere, and for this reason she remained calm as the days flew by.
_Gyula Krudy

This is a personal essay about growing into a Woman.



Dear You,


I have to start with saying, this is all very new.

I've always been quite on par with the male energy.
The strength, the drive, the plans.
However, it got so rigid.
I got so very rigid.
And I completely abandoned the free-flowing force of creating.

So I'm writing about the Woman.
This loving, creative, inspired energy, that flows.
And moves.
And never runs out.
The sacred and dirty, the muddy and untouched.
This undying space and capacity to Love.
Not demand, but turn to kindness.
The strength that it takes to remain gentle is immeasurable.

And there are many kinds of women.
Quiet, loud, strong, gentle, long-haired, short-haired - I don't care.
Blah blah, not the point, at all.
I'm talking to all of you, the whole spectrum.

This is a post to the women who happen to read this.



I really sincerely hope with every cell in my being that you simply don't give a f*ck.


I really hope you give yourself the freedom to really, truly, and honestly, let yourself turn into the Woman you desire and wish and need to be.


Not the woman someone expects.
Your family, neighbours, the society, or even your close friends.
It does not matter.
It really really really really does not matter.
At all.

Just give yourself the freedom to Grow into the Woman you want to be.
I think I'm just on my way.
To being the Woman.

So far it's like I've been a projection.
A projection of ideas, of some things, or something.
But now it feels like I'm growing into my own bones.
Slowly, very slowly, and it feels a little weird, and sometimes it's painful.

But the bottomline is.
There is infinite potential in being a Woman.
And I mean, Your Own Woman.
Not just female, as in having the parts, but really living according to your own standards.
WHATEVER they might be.

And this is when what is dry turns wet, what's lost is found, what's far is near and so on and so on.
Just you being you, with you sprinkled on top.
To fulfill you.
To make you proud.
To free yourself to be more Yourself.
And the cool thing is, this is quite the opposite of selfish - because what follows is a new force to share and give and connect.

This is not meant to sound like I'm making the status of Man any smaller - I just don't have the privilege of being one.
And so I discuss Women.
This freedom of looking, acting and speaking like YOU want.
To make yourself proud and free.
A Woman like that is as steady as the sea.
A force in her own right, boundless measures of creativity and the will to make it happen.
Whatever "it" is.
So many of us glance at the love-side of the fence, to find this magical space, but I really don't think we'll ever find what we're looking for without this freedom of Being.
This abundance of being You.
My expectations about myself.
Woman.
How I see it.

With the strength, and creativity, and caring/not-caring, and passion and drive, and softness and gentleness.
Not just an image of Maria, but actually Maria.

I somehow felt a little of this today.
I hadn't been feeling well all day, and all of a sudden there it was.
And it was so nice.
This completely stress-free way of being and breathing.
So steady, soft and strong at the same time.
Breathing in my things, and exhaling my things.
Not anyone else's past pains or failures or ideas or obsessions.



This is the light I have to follow.
And go where it leads.
And this will only ever lead to more light.
Like my singing Teacher said: "If it feels good, it is good."




So.
Follow your own rabbits, ladies, seriously, girls, you guys, please.

And if you happen to be chasing someone else's, be smart enough and brave enough to face it for what it is.
And then let it go.
Let them run.
Watch the strange rabbit run and run and run and turn into a tiny speck on the horizon before it disappears completely.
And then stand there for a while, lost and somewhat baffled.
Probably quite scared.
But have faith in the fact that sure enough, your own rabbits will come.
Your own heart will beat after your own desires.
And then you can start chasing the poor rabbits again.
But the true ones.
Your true rabbits.



I will be My Own.


I hope to meet many Women like this in my lifetime.
And one day I hope to be one, really be one, so someone who is not yet free can look at me and go, Look, she has grown her roots and grown into her roots, I want to get there too.


All I have is what I am.
And that is everything.

Love, always.
M.

the end

Hello, darlings.

Gosh I've been so ..away, somewhere.

Behind some faraway planet.

Some other sphere.

End of the year is drawing near so quickly. 

Basically 56 hours left, to plant a full stop, nice and steady, to complete this thought, and start the new one.

Next year, next sentence.

This New Years will be like that.

I will still wear glitter and sequins and pop something sparkling, but all this club stuff can go do one.

I'm so over it, it's not even funny.

All it does is confuse the energy and mess up your balance.

And the one thing I don't want to happen is my bubble to burst.

There's this wise man here that everyone knows, Igor Mang, and every year he writes a planetary prediction of the upcoming year.

And they are just humorous, literally, how accurate some of it is.

Like details.

Of international and national events.

So I just read parts of his prediction for 2014 which apparently will bring a widespread need for self-fulfillment and the need to "be" someone.

Really make something of yourself, follow your way.

And I mean, it's only appropriate to quote Britney here:

"So get to work, bitch."

I can really feel it, this super mega ennui at not doing enough, but not for someone else, not my family or the omnipresent society and its ideas of right and wrong, but really for myself.

I can see how much time I waste, all the time.

And it was truly necessary this year but not anymore.

This year of the Snake was my year, since I was born as one.

A year of coming home, physically, geographically and mentally-spiritually.

24 and the Snake and the end of some cyclical movements.

But now the next phase is coming and if I don't want to get caught under the stampede of my own will and power, I better act accordingly.

Restricting yourself like that is the dumbest thing, ever.

And I do some dumb sh*t, ask my friends.

But that's actually the most dumbest-est.

So no more.

So here I am, 29th of December, 2013.

A year, 3 months and 19 days after I wrote my first 6-month plan, simply because I was so lost.

Feels like an actual life-time.

Anyone who says you cannot change your character and Fate and all that, right - sorry, not sorry, but I absolutely disagree.

To the thousandth degree.

All you need is a wish, a want to change something and the rest is all a blank page.

Do, change, want, develop, see, listen, grow, shift, morph, concrete to water.

Do

What

You

Want

The only prerequisite is a wish.

A wish for change and a wish for Something Else.

Well well well, what a year this has been.

I think I'll write a little something of this year tomorrow and 31st as well.

But this will do for now.

If I could give you something, I'd give you and myself the Courage to do the thing we see and sense as the right thing.

For us, ourselves, and only ourselves.

After all -

Make sure you can swim first, then go save humanity.

As always, love to alllllll of you.

Yours truly.

M.

home

I'm home, and watching the new Elementary.

Sherlock and Watson.

Didn't do too much of the to-do list, but I don't care. The new task is to stay calm and Happy as much as possible. 

I mean seriously.

I just can't be bothered.

With this waste of time, this fuss, that doesn't carry me upwards and onwards.

I truly truly tell you, from the bottom of my heart, I cannot be bothered. 

Anymore. 

To stop the positive changes, to slow the current for something useless.

I know too much, I've come too far, and the time I have in this body, on this planet  is far too precious and magical.

So therefore.

I will work towards stopping this crap.

Because I'm bored.

And I truly TRULY appreciate magic.

F*ck this.

Love and light.

M.

ability

It's quite odd.
How my ability to marvel, anything and everything, which I usually hold as my favourite characteristic about myself, just kind of disappears into the cracks in Tallinn.
God knows why.

It's getting REALLY BORING.

Maybe once I get a new flat.
And have a vinyl record player.
And I can play old recordings of Beethoven, and Rachmaninov, and Gershwin.
From that shop.
The shop we went to.
(..good god, I was happy)
Maybe when I have my own kitchen.
Where I can cook all the things I want to cook.
With my music.
And my books on a shelf.
The way I want them.
And my things.
My things in their places, and my order.
My scores, and learning the scores.
Painting, and drawing, and dancing, and laughing or crying.
Just BEING. Like I want to be.
And my cigarette breaks, on the window sill.
With really cold air.
My my my my my my.
Mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine.
Mine.
Just unwatched, unmeasured, unassessed.
Unobserved.
Free to create through just being.

All of the things that I've seen this year:
All of the things that I've felt this year.
This has been quite the year.
I need to take it easy, so so easy.

I suck at seeing the larger context.
I just forget.
I really should keep that in mind.
The larger context.
Of everything.

How much change, and disappointment, and then growth, and Love can a person digest, without any side effects, in less than a year.


I'm a master of painting over and painting over and over, things with things.
Painting over, and deceit.


In other news, however, some hair colour inspiration.

Yours truly.
M.

fire, walk with me

The amount I love the sound of Lykke Li's voice is quite difficult to describe.
And also the fact that she's collaborating with David Lynch is my Fact of the day.
This is SO on repeat.

Yours truly.
M.

this week

This week has been super busy and the countdown to HONG KONG has now shrunk down to 10 days!

When did this happen!

I meet Asia, in less than 2 weeks.
What an absolutely strange concept.

I don't know why, but I stilllll cannot even begin to understand just HOW huge this adventure is going to be!
So strange!
I really want to start UNDERSTANDING this, noww!

(So sorry for the excessive caps-lock-ing.)

I mean, really.
Usually I'm almost climbing walls with all the excitement when A. and I take on Stockholm.
So now, when we're faced with her homeground HK, I'm like struck dumb.

Anyway.
This week has been super busy.
Got some nice work things done, and seen some lovely friends.
Last night went out for a little while and then another clothes sale today.

The rest of today was just for resting, on my ass, and mostly horizontal.
Tomorrow marks the all-systems-go moment, once more.
Before official nap-time it's most definitely a time to plan tomorrow.

So, for now, I hope you have a lovely evening.
And I have a feeling good things are coming our way.

With love, and light.
Yours truly.
M.


This was for an educational concert program we're doing this season - yet to see how many schools.
Fingers crossed!


The other day I was wearing this t-shirt E. got me for my 16th birthday.
It's says MARIAQ on the back, and on the front a tiny picture of my favourite energy drink back then.
(I used to get to school super early, and I didn't like coffee back then!)


Outdoor Swan Lake next to the Opera House, with 100 swans.


Sung a little at my old school's autumn concert in the Nokia concert hall in Tallinn.
That was a first for me so it was super exciting!
Loved the dressing room and ID-card.






Also, this week marked my return to the gym, YES.


Got this coat at this big vintage festival like a month ago.
And today it earnt me a most devoted 5-year-old admirer on the bus.
No, seriously.
I think he thought I was an actual cat.