visuals

Hey, guys!

Happy spring!

I hope it's spring where you are.

Anyway. Life's been a general mumble-jumble for the last few days, so here's a visual catchup for you, instead of a written one.

Short version:

Had a gig on Thursday, then changed the backgrounds on my phone, always a big thing, and now I'm off to the National to practice (a friend of mine works there and she hooked me up with a PRACTICE ROOM). 

Message of the day: Give up.

Really - Give. Up.

We don't know anything, and we cannot control anything.

The sooner you give up, the sooner you can start enjoying life and just seeing where life takes you. 

Have faith in the good to come, but Just. Give. Up.

Stop fighting the current, give up and see where the forces carry you. 

Adventure, right?

Love, forever and always.

Yours truly.

M.

and so..

..I bow out.

I take my hat, and put it on.
I take my coat, and button it up.
I take my scarf, and then tie it.
I take my bag, and close it, leave all the unwanted bits.
I slip on the gloves, and open the door.

I bow gently, and smize somewhat.
And leave.

I bow out.

Onto the next adventure.

Life is all about choices, and risks.
And decisions.

So this is mine.

I am not this.
I am something entirely different.

And therefore, I bow out.
Because I simply must.
Anything else would simply count as a crime against the Self.

A soul-crime.


So therefore, I take my hat, take a bow, and take a new route.


I Love you all.
Time to revisit some shaping moments in our lives.
Get to know them, and then leave them.

And always recognise the soul-time to bow out, and leave something, that no longer serves you.

Yours truly.
Always.
M.

packing, and emotions

And once again - it's happening!

I'm going somewhere.
Destination this time: STOCKHOLM.




It's been 5 months since my last visit to the Lolcat town and A. and I decided it was simply time for the next leg of this TLN-STHLM romance.
I leave tonight, and back on Monday.

Plans are:
*coffee
*walks
*pastry
*cheeseburger
*movies (ARAGORN)
*sofa

That's it.

So I'm currently just packing, need to shower and get myself into travelling order.
Pisces and I are going to a yoga class before the flight.
It will be such a nice to kick-start an absolutely stress-free weekend.


Not that I've been stressed lately.
It's not stress.
I've just realised how much I repress myself emotionally.
So for the past week I've been concentrating on feeling as much as possible.
This has worked through theatre, a MUSE concert cinema broadcast and some other things.

I'll elaborate on these soon - UH-MAZING.

But in short - overdose.
I thought I'd rather bash myself on the head with feeling-feeling-feeling-feeling-feeling, y'know?
And then do this STHLM break and return calm and ready to deal with emotions on a running daily basis.

Makes sense to me.
And I really hope this actually works in practice as well.

At the moment I'm still too drained from all of it to come to any conclusions or notice a difference.
But I bet it's there, waiting for the storm to calm and then shine like a frikkin' angel.

And so.
I leave you for now.
Off to pack (one pair of jeans, and an array of jumpers), then to curl my hair (just. because) and go to town.
Simple pleasures.
Can't always hang your hat on the hot and heavy.
And when I say this, I do speak from experience.

I tend to get too snobby sometimes for calling time on the analysis.
Analysis is vital.
And I will not back from this.
But sometimes, just curl the hair, and drink the coffee, and wear the pink, and just whatever.
Sometimes just whatever it all, because we don't want you to get tired.


So take a break.


Love and light.
Yours truly.
M.

..

Hey, kids!
It's mee.

So, for starters, here's my packing list for HK, written by A.

Neil's packing list for Neverland.

Underpanties

Hot shit bikini

Trainers and hiking shizzle

Shorts (2?)

Daytime lol tops (Scott Disick better be coming)

Family dinner clothes, playsuit is fine for this or whatevs but you know what this entails. 

OUT OUT FUN FUN. Shorts and top are very acceptable. 

Flip flops or some kind of daytime shoe…flip flops are best choice

Heeeeeels!

Something slightly warm for restaurants, cardigan or jacket or something

All the make up things

I'll bring my crimpers

Straightener for CURLY FUN?

PJS and maybe leggings for comfort evening

Sunglasses

Errr

Supremely comfortable things to travel in

Firstly, I love this list. Huge amounts.
This is what tomorrow and Tuesday will hold for me. Getting all these things picked out, washed, dried, and placed inside a suitcase.
Nice and neat.
Wednesday will be my first ever, proper connecting flight.
9.30pm TLN-HEL
11.40pm HEL-HK

Life currently.
Is odd.
I don't talk about these periods very well (I don't talk about many things well, maybe that's why I like writing), so I ask for your apologies in advance.
The truth is, I've let myself down.
I allow myself to fall into these very destructive patterns, and only realise once it's slightly too late.

There are so many good things around me right now, and I should spend every day being grateful for them, as opposed to letting these things go unnoticed.

I've got so many opportunities that just wait for me to work at them and make them happen.
I'll just give myself some credit, because these instances have got shorter, which is divine.
They used to take whole chunks out of my life.

Just kind of, gone. Written off.
But I've done the work, or I guess I'm trying to do the work, so it's getting better as we go.

I don't want to not write.
I don't want to not focus.
I don't want to shut down.

I don't want to become distance.

And for the sake of these things, I work, and I learn.

Lately I'm feeling so many things, I'd like to somehow keep track.
Not necessarily of each and every one, but feel a bit more, detached I guess.
Otherwise it's like, I'm dragged along behind them.


Here's a photo from this 2nd hand sale yesterday.
I found the Perfect Parka for 4 euros.
And I got this awesome ring for 80 cents, and 2 Christmas Surprise jumpers for me and A.

Yours truly.
M.

Can we also just appreciate the fact that when I took this photo for A. to show her my parka, I had slept 4 hours, by photography time at roughly 1pm, I'd had this make-up on for 16hours.

15 days till HK

So this is how long I have left of September that I will actually spend in Estonia.

What.

Therefore I'm just going to re-cap some ideas from August.

And remind myself that I promised to get some stuff done before I leave.
And I truly plan to take this rather seriously.

I want to get balls rolling in September, so I can coast along in October.
This leaving-things-undone is giving me some anxiety and that is stupid.
So therefore, get all balls rolling in September.

Ie, 15 days.

Doable.
Tight, but doable.
Focus.
The perfect exercise in focus.

First of all, tomorrow morning, I need to get cat food.
And after that, the rest can follow.

15 days.
Of focused.
And measured.
Productive.
And effective.
Action.

I, too, wish to be effective.

Yours truly.
M.

---
Affairs. (...IN ORDER. I've postponed sorting a whole bunch of stuff, since I am still of course the self-proclaimed Queen of Procrastination Nation. However, since I'm increasingly getting fed up with this title it's really time to turn over a new page. And re-titled myself, something like, Crown Princess of Productivity? Anyway, you get the general idea.)
Acceptance.
And goes out for everyone else as well as myself.
Plant alllll the seeds of acceptance, that you are worthy. 
Of all the good stuff there is in the whole wide world.
We deprive ourselves of the chance of success and succeeding so often, saying "we can't do it anyway", even before we've made the first tiny step.
So please, you, and you, and me as well. Let's accept ourselves for exactly what we are and accept the fact that we are worthy, of all the good.
Appreciation! Of yourself, of what you have. Appreciation and gratitude are too things most useful and most beauty-making.

Earn your own approval.

“Stay close to anything that makes you glad you are alive.”

—

Hafiz

I would really like a shower room like this.

I love doing stuff!
Efficient Maria.

And a full English the following morning.

travel-cat, again

Hello, all of you!

So I'm back from my gig on Saturday, and one of the islands.
I'm currently in Tallinn, getting ready to go to Finland, and see A. again.

I mean, it's pretty evident Tallinn is not the place I want to be right now.

Love it as I do, it does something weird to me.
I've got my family and my DEAREST friends here, but there's something about this city.
Rather - there's something about me in this city.
That I dislike.

I've got some unsolved problemos with anxiety, and they seem to get worse here, to be honest.
Rather, I can't seem to be able to get it under control here, as well as elsewhere.
And being on the islands, or at A's "mökki" in Finland - there's just more space to breathe and it's so peaceful.
Nature is good for stuff like that.
A very calming effect, which is what I'm after lately.

So for now I'm running around, practising escapism as hard as I possibly, humanly can.

However, the only (and I mean, the only) true downside to this is the lack of blogging.
For which I'm terribly sorry!

I'd love to write more and keep you updated with all the adventures and awesome things that are happening on my manic bouts of running around, but sadly my phone is not smart enough and the laptop isn't light enough to carry around.
So for now, my bits of writing are massively all over the place.
But I will try and make it better, soon.

I hope you're still reading and following.
And as soon as I have anything of value to share with you - I shall.

With love.
M.

This.

This
this
this


With love.
M.

departure

Bye-bye, Tallinn!


Every departure is an adventure.

With love.
M.

Friday

Happy Friday, people!

I'm home, and Gordon is keeping me company, with Masterchef USA.
I love that man, and I don't even care.
Eating some cherries and chilling out, in preparation for the concert tonight.
Tonight we're performing in central Estonia, which is where my dad's side of the family is from.
So it's always a little bit like a real home-coming for me.

Last night was hometown gig.
We sung in this biiggg church in Tallinn and it went super well.
Then I ended up at the Spaniard's, asleep, filing my nails, which are now PINKKKK.
I also had some pizza.
And I also watched an hour and a half of the worst horror movie I have ever seen in my life.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0995863/
Why I watched this, I cannot say.

Almost time to go and chit-chat with the pretty one, before heading off.

If I'm honest with you, I'm really looking forward to having the time to go and adventure freely.
I'm really, really enjoying the tour this summer. I've managed to steal some real relaxation time here and there, so it's so much better than last year.
When I officially turned into a psychopath.

So, happy Friday, everyone!
Have a super start to your weekend.

With love.
M.

And I want to analyse this and concentrate on it soon.

lately

Lately I've been thinking a lot about where I'm gonna go next, with my life.
I know there is a next step that needs to be taken, but what is it I cannot say to save my life.

I sometimes read my past posts from the few months gone by (I write so much I never remember all the stuff I've blurted out).
And at some point not too long ago I wrote this post in which I was talking about the life I want.

Amongst many other things I said:

"I want to get my feet wet, travel and sing."


As always, I don't remember having paid this sentence any attention what-so-ever. Which is a good thing, otherwise I would not have written it down quite like this.
It just feels like a key, to something.
A door or a portal to the next part of my life.

"I want to get my feet wet, travel and sing."

And below are the pictures from yesterday.
Another full house!

Have a good Thursday!
M.


This was the mirror in the church.
OH and then we climbed the church tower, that was super cool.

if you really love a writer

“Everyone wants to give a writer the perfect notebook. Over the years
I’ve acquired stacks: one is leather, a rope of Rapunzel’s hair braids its
spine. Another is tree-friendly, its paper reincarnated from diaries of
poets now graying in cubicles. One is small and black as a funeral dress,
its pages lined like the hands of a widow. There’s even a furry blue one
that looks like a shag rug or a monster that would hide beneath it—and
I wonder why? For every blown-out candle, every Mazel Tov, every
turn of the tassel, we are handed what a writer dreads most: blank
pages. It’s never a notebook we need. If we have a story to tell, an idea
carbonating past the brim of us, we will write it on our arms, thighs,
any bare meadow of skin. In the absence of pens, we repeat our lines
deliriously like the telephone number of a parting stranger until we
become the craziest one on the subway. If you really love a writer, fuck
her on a coffee table. Find a gravestone of someone who shares her
name and take her to it. When her door is plastered with an eviction
notice, do not offer your home. Say I Love You, then call her the wrong
name. If you really love a writer, bury her in all your awful and watch
as she scrawls her way out.”

—	If you really love a writer; Megan Falley

This is spectacular.
The idea, the writing.

Spectacular.
M.

kesäaika

I'm super in the mood for blogging.
This is nice.

https://soundcloud.com/onlychillstep
First of all, this is my current beat.
100% current beat.
This was our Fin-dventure soundtrack as well.
I plan to walk in chillstep through this summer, and onwards.



I have quite the to-do list for today but currently I am concentrating on coffee, an elongated breakfast and 24.
Jack Bauer is not having a good day, as per usual.
Later on I think I'll go over the things I figured out in Finland, and make some coherent notes.

I start the tour in exactly a week.
This means it's get-your-thoughts-focused-o'clock.
And it's only 11.30AM.

Sometimes it's hard just be to okay. Scrap that - not okay, rather "awesome".
What I mean is - because there's this constant sense of "I have to do this", or "I have to do that", and all these thoughts about life and career and whatever, along with some problems, and "issues". Blah blah.
So, it becomes hard to just ride the wave. And genuinely say, yes, I'm doing really well, and not for a day or so, but for a longer period of time.
But this is what we all need to practice.

Kyllä tämä kesäaika kestää koko elämän.

I'm doing pretty super, thanks.
M.

wanderlust

My wanderlust is just out of control.



It's all I think about, every day, basically all the time.
Just this need to go and explore and adventure.
This is not a need to "go on a holiday", or to get a tan or get drunk in beach-side bars.
It's just a true yearning (the purest of these I've ever had) to go and see and explore.

This is just out of control.

Out of control wanderlust.
To See, and Breathe.

I just want to wander/wonder with an open heart with room for it to be Open.
With space, and freedom, and the safety to open up which comes with this freedom.

I mean, to be honest. I don't really need to leave the country for this.
This is not the point.
There's plenty to See here, on this tiny speck of wild land.

Plan.
Everything is possible.
I just need to plan.
Plan, plan, plan.

At least, I know what I need, and what I truly desire.

And that is good.
M.


Don't ever deny yourself your true nature.

the yes-cat

I think the Yes-cat just agrees with everything.
But like, in a fun way.
Like, look at his face.
Any idea you'll throw at him, he will do it and love it.
Adventure-cat.
Now THIS is the face of adventure-cat!

I wanna be the Yes-cat.
M.

pascal

This thing. I mean, this chameleon.
Like, seriously.

He is just another level of total, total bad-ass.

Also, just watch "Tangled". It's very good.
No, honestly.
Especially for a new-age Disney. It's very super.
Also, do you not like having a MEGA super braid? Obviously, with flowers in it.

Tangle.
M.

alone

Over the past few years, I've started doing things by myself.
I guess I've always been cool with playing on my own, but I've started doing it consciously.

I told A. last autumn that I'm scared of being alone and all this crap.
And I think that because of this I've started doing more and more things by myself.
The little things.

Like, Saturday evening I went to see this awesome theatre company, their piece called "Rave", and it was awesome.
And I think it was even more awesome because I was there on my own.
It's just liberating, you know.
You no longer look at yourself through the aspect and lense of your friends, and all that's familiar, but I felt quite free to just Be.

Obviously, there are so many things that need to be shared and should be shared.
Eating for example is one of the things that is only magnified if shared.
Share a meal and it transforms from just putting fuel into your body to a ritual, of people sharing nothing short of love.

But yes.
Doing things on my own.
It just offers up surprising things and new people and twists and turns.
Sometimes it's scary, but it's so worth it.

Expand and explore.
M.

30

This shall be my 30th birthday.
Okay, planned very far in advance, but hey, why not.

I think this would go down a treat.
Arm the place with vodka jelly and jesus me, the stuff that would happen.
Code words could be: chaos, mayhem, lolcats.

Birthdays.
M.

homecomfort

Back to the post about the little moments a day, of just little comforts.

I'd like to go hiking. Well, maybe not necessarily hiking - rather for an adventurous mountain-air walk. Not such a "little comfort", plus I want the ground to come out from undernearth the snow, and then I shall look into this. Maybe find a cool place around London, and do it before The Move.

But cups of tea, and good baths, and favourite movies.
I found this list on this blog. The list was called "Feeling Sad?" and I quite liked it. Not that I was feeling sad, but I thought the list was good anyway. (I'll give you a selection)

Here’s all the things I do to help myself feel less sad:

(if you have any more suggestions, send them to me and I’ll put them up here!)

- Ride a bike.

- Pet my dogs.

- Color in coloring books.

- Do yoga.

- Light some candles and meditate.

- Take a bath with all the fancy works.

- Throw paint on canvas, literally just throw it.

- Walk outside.

- Go for a run.

- Watch Lord of the Rings.

- Smile, even though I never want to, it does make you feel a little better.

- Talk to friends.

- Get a bulletin board and fill it with pictures you like.

I really liked it. But I do think dancing should ABSOLUTELY be on the list as well!

I am also in love with the fact that she has Lord of the Rings on the list - I went through a period of just watching it every day, for kicks. I didn't even like it that much before, and then BOOM - daily occurrence. Why not.

So.
Small things that make a big difference.
M.

Also. Some of you might not like tea, and baths, and Lord of the Rings at all, or you might not enjoy dancing, and walking on mountain tops which is soooo unquestionably fine.
Just find the little things that do make you happy, that's all.

24

A. turned 24 on Saturday.
And I was going through the STHLM adventure folder and found this photo.
I just think it's so beaut, so I thought, why not (and why not apply my incredible photo editing skills).
Sorry, dude.

Paljon onnea. 
M.

adventure

What would be greater
than the adventure
of really letting yourself be
whatever it is you want to be?

Letting yourself grow
into whatever it is
you shall grow into?

DON'T BE A PUSSY
AND TAKE THE LEAP