feather heart

forever is nothing
the drips and drops
follow and fall
forever is nothing
there is you
and my heart
too tender and new
shedding the skin
releasing the leaves
it can hold the old
it can hold the tired
but new

i think we were flowers once
swaying
and smiling
taking in the truth as it comes
i think we were flowers once
me and you
equilibrium
and balance
forever is nothing
there's just flowers

my heart is feathers
and i want the wind
to come and carry
my sun
to yours

and for me
new is new

unit

Hey, guys and girls!

It's currently 29C in Tallinn, some parts boasting 31 I think.
CRAZY!

It's so lush, all Nature here has just sucked in this divine light and heat and gone all amazing and green.

I think today I'm going to drink ...wine.
Perhaps.
This day demands to be enjoyed.
Enjoyed and devoured like lust and desire.
Capricious and strong willed like someone grown beautiful too quickly and too early.
Today is a day of melting ice cream dripping off hands and licking lollipops and skirt flying over heads.
Frivolity.
I can smell frivolity and the mad single-minded vision of yearning.

This was going to be a post about something else, entirely.
Entirely.
But hey, whatever.
There's always time later.
My mind is now on appealing bone-structures and the soft bounce-back of warm skin.

How do you wake up a heart?
How do you make it say things again?
How do you make it want and sing and call out.

Happy exultation of summer, dear youth, of all ages!

Yours truly.
M.

forza vitale

Hey, guys!

For starters, can I just say. Thank you for reading.
Thank you for allowing me to share this with you.
My ins and outs, and seeing where this leads.
Tutto è amore.


(PS. I think it's time soon to complete some more blog-post-drafts.)

So.
I took my own advice and started filling this new found space (discussed in the previous post) with forza vitale.

Number 1 was Bellini.
Bellini is this brilliant Italian opera composer, was alive and kicking early 19th century.
And he has written this opera about this sleepwalking girl.
And I was rinsing my brain with this BRILLIANT aria from this opera on Friday.
And it helped eeeeverything.

Number 2.
Then, I got my hair done.
It's now the rust colour I was after.

Number 3.
And then Pisces picked me up last night and took me to see this woman who makes jewellery of semi-precious stones and crystals.
I had a concrete plan of just going.
Trusting my intuition and seeing which stone I find.
Just hearing what calls to me.

And so - there were loads of bracelets and necklaces and so forth.
Nothing.
No connections to anything.
Then I saw this wall with pendants.
So this was Call no1.
And as I started browsing I saw my stone - Call no2 - quite seriously.

I don't think I've ever had a moment like that, I just felt this energy.
I know I talk a whole bunch about all this, the energies and universe and so forth, but I had never even thought this possible with y'know..a rock.
But seriously, I was blushing my head off, so so much energy, and heat.
It just matched.

And so, I bought it, it's mine, it belongs with me.
The crystal is called Aqua Aura and apparently it is super intense.
The lovely woman-babe who makes these beauuutiful pendants and bracelets did say that I should only take this with me if I am "ready".
Ready to accept and embrace everything that will come my way, learn further, develop further, see more, hear more, trust more, love more openly and freely, restrict myself less, no boundaries, just following my soul, my freedom, my Heart and my own truth.

So I said yes, I'm ready.
Let's do this.

You know, I JUSTTT wrote about this in the previous post.
The space that Acceptance left.
And this crystal (photo below) just brings this all together.
Nature does not deal in empty space, I always say this.
Empty space gets filled with something.
And if we get to it quick enough, we can fill the gaps in our lives ourselves.
When the departure of something creates vacuum, just give it something, one push, apply the substance and it will be sucked in.
The vacuum pulls it in.

If we ignore this, the vacuum will suck in something anyway, but most probably unnecessary, or toxic, or and old pattern.
Help yourself.
I am helping myself with Italian, and more opera, and new hair, and new thoughts, and ....there's plenty space for something else.
Actually the woman yesterday suggested drawing.
Funny that, it's something I always forget even though I adore it.
Dancing.
Yoga?
A big big clean.
Out with the old energy, to further create more space, more vacuum.

And never to forget that everything, every single thing, every single pain and hurt and loss and emotion is a Teacher.
We learn something from every turn, we learn something from every experience.
The soul never loses, it only gains.

Tutto è amore.
Love, always.

Yours truly.
M.

essay1: my own

She believed a great happiness awaited her somewhere, and for this reason she remained calm as the days flew by.
_Gyula Krudy

This is a personal essay about growing into a Woman.



Dear You,


I have to start with saying, this is all very new.

I've always been quite on par with the male energy.
The strength, the drive, the plans.
However, it got so rigid.
I got so very rigid.
And I completely abandoned the free-flowing force of creating.

So I'm writing about the Woman.
This loving, creative, inspired energy, that flows.
And moves.
And never runs out.
The sacred and dirty, the muddy and untouched.
This undying space and capacity to Love.
Not demand, but turn to kindness.
The strength that it takes to remain gentle is immeasurable.

And there are many kinds of women.
Quiet, loud, strong, gentle, long-haired, short-haired - I don't care.
Blah blah, not the point, at all.
I'm talking to all of you, the whole spectrum.

This is a post to the women who happen to read this.



I really sincerely hope with every cell in my being that you simply don't give a f*ck.


I really hope you give yourself the freedom to really, truly, and honestly, let yourself turn into the Woman you desire and wish and need to be.


Not the woman someone expects.
Your family, neighbours, the society, or even your close friends.
It does not matter.
It really really really really does not matter.
At all.

Just give yourself the freedom to Grow into the Woman you want to be.
I think I'm just on my way.
To being the Woman.

So far it's like I've been a projection.
A projection of ideas, of some things, or something.
But now it feels like I'm growing into my own bones.
Slowly, very slowly, and it feels a little weird, and sometimes it's painful.

But the bottomline is.
There is infinite potential in being a Woman.
And I mean, Your Own Woman.
Not just female, as in having the parts, but really living according to your own standards.
WHATEVER they might be.

And this is when what is dry turns wet, what's lost is found, what's far is near and so on and so on.
Just you being you, with you sprinkled on top.
To fulfill you.
To make you proud.
To free yourself to be more Yourself.
And the cool thing is, this is quite the opposite of selfish - because what follows is a new force to share and give and connect.

This is not meant to sound like I'm making the status of Man any smaller - I just don't have the privilege of being one.
And so I discuss Women.
This freedom of looking, acting and speaking like YOU want.
To make yourself proud and free.
A Woman like that is as steady as the sea.
A force in her own right, boundless measures of creativity and the will to make it happen.
Whatever "it" is.
So many of us glance at the love-side of the fence, to find this magical space, but I really don't think we'll ever find what we're looking for without this freedom of Being.
This abundance of being You.
My expectations about myself.
Woman.
How I see it.

With the strength, and creativity, and caring/not-caring, and passion and drive, and softness and gentleness.
Not just an image of Maria, but actually Maria.

I somehow felt a little of this today.
I hadn't been feeling well all day, and all of a sudden there it was.
And it was so nice.
This completely stress-free way of being and breathing.
So steady, soft and strong at the same time.
Breathing in my things, and exhaling my things.
Not anyone else's past pains or failures or ideas or obsessions.



This is the light I have to follow.
And go where it leads.
And this will only ever lead to more light.
Like my singing Teacher said: "If it feels good, it is good."




So.
Follow your own rabbits, ladies, seriously, girls, you guys, please.

And if you happen to be chasing someone else's, be smart enough and brave enough to face it for what it is.
And then let it go.
Let them run.
Watch the strange rabbit run and run and run and turn into a tiny speck on the horizon before it disappears completely.
And then stand there for a while, lost and somewhat baffled.
Probably quite scared.
But have faith in the fact that sure enough, your own rabbits will come.
Your own heart will beat after your own desires.
And then you can start chasing the poor rabbits again.
But the true ones.
Your true rabbits.



I will be My Own.


I hope to meet many Women like this in my lifetime.
And one day I hope to be one, really be one, so someone who is not yet free can look at me and go, Look, she has grown her roots and grown into her roots, I want to get there too.


All I have is what I am.
And that is everything.

Love, always.
M.

gay

I'm currently watching a documentary called "Out There".
It's a BBC doc by Stephen Fry.
It's a doc about homosexuality, or rather the stupidity it encounters and meets all around the world.
The stupidity and brutality and violence and just, no.
But I won't pause on this now.

Still, here's a link to part 2.
Do watch it, it's worth it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tc19KxerK7U

There was this guy who used to be in a boy band, was told to suppress being "too gay" by the manager, and then it kind of stuck with him, for decades.
This habit of hiding, or pretending.
"Fake" as he called it.
A duplicate of himself.
A cheap copy.
Now he is an actor making his way in Hollywood and still is struggling so so much with being free, being himself and being honest.
Just the very way he is.

Well, anyway, this isn't a post about homosexuality, but this is a post about freedom.
Personal freedom.

This we must value most, personal freedom.
And all we can do is respect others, do no harm.
To get rid of this blind violence.

We can only do our part.
Hear others, really hear them out.
Try to understand.
The only force to reverse any of this is love and love and more love.

There is so much pain in the world, so much anger and so much blindness.

Seriously.
Just watch this documentary.

It's just about freedom, and love, and understanding.
And compassion.

We can never run out of compassion, it costs nothing, at all.
It requires no age, no sex, no religion, or geographic placement.
Compassion and kindness - it just is.

I just watched a bit of the documentary, where a Brazilian mothers recounts the death of his 15-year-old son.
Tortured and murdered by a bunch of guys who abducted him.
Just because he "looked gay".
Such hatred shocks me to such an extent.

The freedom to love, whom we love, how we love.

Yours truly.
M.

spring

Spring is coming.

And my birthday, on Saturday.

25.

I was just saying the other day, that these two years 24-25 and 25-26 will turn out to be the most pivotal.
I feel it with some certainty.

Because I'm IN this right now, I can't yet see it all clearly, nor do I have to.

But I can sense, the magnitude, of this period of time, on my life, the rest of it.

Spanning and unravelling like great Siberian plains.

Ending in the glorious nothingness of everything.

Understanding that makes all this easier.

Swimming in the middle of the ocean you can't see the size.

Once you zoom out, and zoom, and zoom, and zoom, and zoom...then you realize.

The size.

This is what it feels like now.

These are my plans for the birthday week:
singing lessons
listen to a lot of opera
choose new arias to learn
wear lots of eyeliner

So as you can see, lots of celebration plans - l o l

:D

I mean.
Yep.
This is the first time I've ever used a smiley in the blog.
But there's a first for everything.

Actually, I do want to add to my body ink this week.
I got the first one for my 20th and adding to this for my 25th seems fitting.

Apart from that - I will celebrate, with good thoughts, or something.
I don't see much meaning having a party.
Gosh, I sound like I'm 400 years old or something.
But seriously.
I see my dearest all the time.
And the rest of the people I'd love to celebrate with are not in the country.
I would much rather spend the money I'd spend on some useless cocktail on a singing lesson - and suck in their amazinggg-ness.
The teacher is just, yep, that - a Teacher.

I think I'm gonna get myself a good language set for my birthday.
I'm going to start ploughing through Italian opera and the Italian teacher returns on the 16th of March.
And I think it would be super beneficial.
Super super.

And there's some talk of a summer course in Florence so I'd love to rock up and be like - hey, I'm gonna order my ham in Italian, and the wine to go with it.

I had a concert on Saturday and two yesterday.
And I want to Go, and Do, and Be.
Life is not for imagining, it's for doing.
Imagination - fine.
But if all we ever do is sit and imagine and cry about things, nothing ever happens.
And I want things to happen.

E for EMOTIONS.
F for f* it.
S for SPRING.

Yours truly.
As always.
M.

transform

I found this article and I really like it.
I think Tantra has managed to get itself a bad name much thanks to people just seeing it as a way to lots and lots of sex.
And just, trivialising it.
So I like this article.

And this idea that one can go so deep into the heart of what it loves that it then becomes love itself.
What a nice idea.
And the idea that Tantra accepts everything as a part of learning, all of it. Everything that we might feel or meet - everything is a part of "embracing the path".
..which is more commonly called Life, y'know.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/05/the-yoga-of-tantric-love-7-reasons-why-its-not-just-about-sex/

To have Hope, Faith and Love.
The three Big Gangstas.

I happened upon the end of Shawshank redemption the other day.
What a glorious film.
And there was this quote at the end I'd never really noticed:

"Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And a good thing never dies."

Patience, and kindness.
Words into Actions.
I have a sneaky feeling this is quite literally the core and heart of this year.
My Quarter century year.

Actual harmony only lives inside.
With or without or whatever.
We are what we have.
10 points to me every time I remember this.

And I also like this idea about gratitude I read somewhere, that the reason why gratitude is so important, being grateful for everything you've got, is that sending this out as a signal, life and the universe gets a go-ahead for sending more stuff your way.

Trust in what you already know!


If you speak Estonian:
http://alkeemia.ee/artiklid/10-tarkust-Buddhalt/l-12/c-1587/

So this is a reminder post.
About important things.

With love.
M.


And just THIS, you know.
By a Spanish poet Antonio Machado, translated by Robert Bly.
Last Night, As I Was Sleeping

(just one verse)
Last night, as I was sleeping,
I dreamt — marvelous error!—
that I had a beehive
here inside my heart.
And the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from my old failures.

Sweet honey_from my old failures.
So divine.

time for business

So.

This is the scariest feeling I've ever felt in my life.
I think.

And I said once, I want a heart that never hardens.


So all we can do, is co-exist and co-inspire
And make sure we don't waste
Waste our time
Waste our talent
Waste our breath
Waste our sunrises and sunsets
And waste our joy
Because life is hard enough for us not to corrupt ourselves
So get on a swing
Laugh too loud
And delight in the ridiculous
Find someone to marvel with
Because everything is too serious anyway
Too serious and too sad
And too tragic
And too unfair and unjust
So keep hold of your own joy
Make sure you keep your shine
Be kind to yourself
And let others live through their own mistakes

And then.
Just like "something happens".
Something arrives.
Something arrives your way, something wondrous.
Something extraordinary is given to you.
It's like.
You are walking a road.
And when something happens - it kind of, disrupts your road.
It's like an earthquake.
But when "something arrives", it just.. arrives.
Slow and lovely and kind and WONDERFUL.
And natural.
That it just makes sense.
Like breathing.
And ... let's say you're breathing, yourself, for the first time in your life.
Just imagine, right?
That there's been these machines, for example.
Breathing, for you.
And then, all of a sudden, you breathe.

All by yourself.
You just breathe.
In, and out.
And it's fresh and divine and raw and Right, and it just makes sense.

But how do you trust your own lungs?
How do you get used to the idea, of your own breath, soft and secure?

I think Love is like that.
That you, just, you just .. it just is.
No effort. There is no effort.
Trust in your own heart beat.
Trust that you will keep standing up.
Trust your lungs, trust the air.
Trust life, and trust Love.

Trust Love.
Surrender to hope, and the faith, and the love.

And making love through seeing love, above and below.


Love is what we all are.

It's so natural.

We just need to tame a few steps back, mend our bones and take the jump.

We are Love.

And this is all I know right now.

Yours truly.

M.

blog?

Bad kitty. 

I haven't blogged in a while.

And as we know, every day i don't blog, is a day of uncollected thoughts.

And this time is no different.

Christmas this year arrived with an unwanted friend.

Serious past and baggage time.

But this is just a matter of semiotics, I guess...

Label it different.

Not impossible.

There is no one and only.

With anything.

There's choices and options and paths.

We each have a different one.

And so we have different things that hurt.

No pain is the same.

Find the people who heal your pain.

It's the greatest gift anyone can give.

Things don't simply disappear, sadly.

Until we are ready to take them, head on, and always with love.

For that is the only thing ever to heal anything really.

So when you do find that which hurts, give it Love.

Give yourself (!!) love.

Whatever it is that has caused you this pain, it has done it long enough.

So out of pure love for yourself, forgive.

And release.

And where there was pain, is now Love.

I know all this founds fairly vague and lala-land, but it works.

I'm on my way to tour concert number 3.

It's 2 days before Christmas and my heart is somewhere else.

But it's good, all of this is good.

And last night as well, so many old friends.

So happy 4th Advent to you all.

Stick with your process, and as long as you have Hope in a universal abundance, you'll be just fine.

I think it's time for me to do some reading.

And painting.

And maybe even go to some work out class.

Or yoga with Pisces.

Mostly reading though.

As ever, yours truly.

M.

poetry

"Ma ootasin Sind sellel külmal päeval. 
Ma tean, et Sa ei teadnud. Nüüd siis tea: 
Ma ootasin Sind. Sellel külmal päeval. 
Ei, vabandama tõesti Sa ei pea.

Kõik otsustati väljaspool meid endid.
Ma ootasin, sest mina tahtsin nii.
Kõik otsustati. Väljaspool meid endid.
Ma teadsin, Sa ei tule nagunii.

Ei, ära ütle, et Sa oleks tulnud,
kui oleksid vaid teadnud, võinud vaid.
Ei, ära ütle, et Sa oleks tulnud.
Ma vihkan valesid. Ka ilusaid."

Doris Kareva.


This poem has my heart.

Yours truly.
M.

close

October closes, and November has arrived.

And it's always like that in life.
One end marks a new beginning.
Circle circle circle.


I will get somewhere when I reach freedom in my voice.
That's when I'll get somewhere in my life, my career, I'll get into it.
I'll get into the sphere and the space I want to be in.
I'll get into the light and the depth.
That's when I'll open up, fully, and carry on from there.
So next stop, careless abandon.
The fearless freedom.

Only god knows what I'll do then.
Or what I'll sound like.

Becoming more myself.

And I want to have a heart that never hardens.

And also, how can anything change or happen when I can't get to know me.
Or like, if I can't get to the point where I feel like I know myself.
So me and me.
The age of me and me.

All the things I've felt today.
Over-whelmed mostly.
But hey, bottomline, I've felt.
So that counts for something.

Yours truly.
Love and light.
M.

songs

Whatever doors I have in my heart and soul, this song opens them, steps in and has a slow dance.
All by itself.
In the moonlight.
Enjoying and sensing the movement.
Surrendering to hope, and the faith, and the love.

Surrendering to its own rhythm and time.
And making love through seeing love, above and below.

Why is surrendering so hard?

This song belongs at a wedding, with candles in jars, and people who care.
And all the I-can't-even.

Yours truly.
M, and Neil Young.

space

Back to this question, of space, my own space.
I was thinking about this today, as I was walking home.
Thinking of the way the floor will feel, thinking of having a vinyl player, and playing records of Chopin, or whatever, that I will have bought from this second hand/ vintage shop.
And cups of tea, sat on the floor, in socks.
And drawing, and having more and more courage to dream so big that I could almost faint and feel that I can't fit my dreams in my head and my heart.
And maybe get some of my friends to paint something on the walls.
And just make it my space.

My
space

My
own
space

for
me

Space
just
for
me

With love.
M.

face

I should honestly tattoo this on my face.

Learning.
M.

bla bla

There's been a load of "bla bla" in my head lately.
Which also coincides with no meditation.

So there's a big fat point in this.
At least for me.

Lesson to be learnt: sit and breathe, child. Sit and breathe.
Meditating isn't anything else or more complex.
Clarity of mind, sat or not, doesn't matter.
It's just I like sitting.



Even in recklessness, heal your hearts.


BLA BLA, go home.
M.

adventures

The more time passes and the more I open my eyes to what's actually inside, I realise that all I want to do is adventure.
Genuinely, honestly, I want to adventure and see the world and fully embrace not knowing where I'm going, or sometimes where I am, or anything.
Embrace it and enjoy it.
To be the Me-est Me.

Slowly.
M.

macklemore

Love is patient, love is kind

I don't usually enjoy rappers making songs about social injustice because it just doesn't feel sincere, at all (a personal reaction). So I don't rave about it usually.
However, Macklemore has done well, like super well.
This song is just so simple, and I believe him, and actually I believe all of his songs.
Everything from the video to the vocals and the loop, is just so goo.
And yes, Thrift Shop is beyond ingenious, but he has got so many good tracks with so much soul.

So dive into Macklemore.

I love Macklemore.

The kid's got a point.
M.

and window sills

This song just does things.

Home.
M.

my visuals

So far, so good.
These are just a few photos from the past few days.

Sunday was the Estonian Independence Day so a big national celebration here. And so me, and dad+Mrs went to see the flag raised at sunrise (7:33am) and then because I am just so full of good ideas we ended up going for breakfast at like, just before 8am. Pancakes, juice and coffee. And had some really lovely chats.

And then today, because it was sunny, I wore sunglasses (E. reminded me of this option. And that suited me juuuuuuuuuuuuuust fine.)

(And there's two more pictures from Sunday. One is this fit chocolate cake I made, that had our "Tall Hermann" tower on it. So proud of my artistic flare, a la mothertrucking icing sugar. And I loved mum's table setting colours so papped that too.)

Visuals. 
M.