autumn

I thought of something today.

Autumn.
And why autumn suits this kind of thing.

Because everything is getting bare and cold, and sparse.

So it's easy to discuss, and think, and feel yourself at the core, find the core.
All the falling leaves, everything is skeleton.

Space.

And the skeleton provides a great base for this sort of thinking.

And so for the first time, I don't have a problem with autumn.
I'm rather enjoying it.
And I feel it helps the processes of psychological deduction.

So, autumn.
Here's to you.

Yours truly.
M.

love

Last night I was sat in a sauna, around 2am.
I was there on my own, which hasn't happened in a very long time.
I used to do that all the time in our old house but ever since it's always either with friends, or at the gym. All good options.
But it used to have a very different effect and meaning for me.
A semi-meditative almost-ritual, just some purifying time alone.
And a time for good thoughts, lots of new, good thoughts.

And so I sat there, late last night.
Spanish and CH were sat outside, and I was in the sauna thinking my thoughts.

And out of nowhere sprang these ideas about love.
And what makes "it work".
I've seen so many people, find love, fall in love, experience the feelings.
And then something happens.
And so I ask, what happens?

And the more I looked at this the more I realised that love is everywhere.
We find it everywhere.
As a race, you know.
And there are so many people we could connect with, given the circumstances.
So love happens, everywhere.
But that's not It.
"It" is a decision.

When a person decides, "yes, I choose you", and coincidentally the other person decides just the same, "I choose you too", then "It" happens.

I've seen so many of my friends choose.
But one of them.
As in, they choose, but the other one simply doesn't.
And that's how far it goes.
This is nothing about, value, worth, or "if I would've had better hair", or "laughed at his jokes more".
Et
cetera

It's not a game of what-if-i-could-persuade-someone-to-appreciate-me-please-please.
It's choice+choice.
(Or very often, choice+not choice.)
Point is.
Don't fret, darlings.
Just make sure you make your own choices, make them right and make them in time.

Yours truly.
M.

In other news - I miss the Christmas tour. Good sign!

hej!

I've been pretty slow with posting lately. Life on the roooooad.
Here's what I just wrote, in Stockholm Centralstation. I'm stealing someone's wifi.

Marvel.

All we will ever need is for someone to stop and marvel with us. At the things that make us unreasonably happy, to the point of wanting to cry a little, because stuff is just so indescribably awesome. Not someone who would tell us not to be so over the top, or to grow up. Just find someone to sit with you and not judge you. A companion who would squeal and clap with excitement at the white Lambo passing (if that’s your thing), or love Nutella too much, or stand in a forest, in the cold and dark and just breathe cause it tastes so good in your lungs.
So don’t over-look the magic. Children see it, adults lose it. We don’t want to, but we do. All these responsibilities and commitments. I’m not saying don’t do your job and clean your house or pay your bills, just sometimes take a second and realize how unbearably awesome it is that we are. Just you know, as people. That we exists.
And we have the opportunity to find a job we love, because why wouldn't you want to spend your entire lifetime doing something you absolutely love?
Why wouldn't you want to look at some great paintings, and maybe eat some sausage?
Or just be crazy happy because you have socks?
Or pretend you’re blowing out cigarette smoke when it gets cold enough outside?
Or look at a stranger just because you’re interested?
Or just go for something, like really something?

Kids are awesome.
I think that’s why they annoy me so much. Cause I envy their enthusiasm. Okay, they are actually annoying sometimes, but most of the time it’s just energy, and wonderment, and hunger for adventure and not being so scared all the time of falling.
What are adults so afraid of breaking, all the time?

I’ll give you some context – I was on my way to the Centralstation in Stockholm where my bus is going to leave from, in an hour or so, to Bromma airport. And I have my big suitcase with me, it weighs a lot. And my hand luggage as well, weighs a lot. So I was dragging it around, and my spine was crying and I was tired and blah blah blah. So I finally got to Central and all of a sudden – BOOOYA – there was this little band playing. A double bass, clarinet and a banjo, 3 men, dressed as Santa’s helpers (PÄKAPIKUD! for anyone Estonian). And they were playing all sorts of waltzes that could have been played in any turn-of-the-century Parisian ballroom, and then they played some Charlestons fit for any 1920s speak-easy, flappers and all. And of course, since this is a train/bus station it has such a nice echo-ey acoustic so this whole gigantic station building was just filled with this music.
And you kind of have to just stop and go, OKAY, FINE. This IS magic. Anyone who dares to say otherwise needs to seriously reassess shit, like now.

So here I am. Spending time, with the laptop, and the coffee, smiling at strangers, cause that’s frankly how I roll. Because why not. It’s so snowy and cold outside and smiling costs me nothing. Definitely less than my cappuccino. Caffeine, I mean, why are you so dear to my heart?

Here’s a photo of me and A. being wintery mitten-sluts. The rest of the photos are trapped in my phone, for now.

FIND SOMEONE TO MARVEL WITH.
With love.
M.

"Here we are, she thought, At the edge of the world, the very edge of western civilization, and all of us are so desperate to feel something, anything, that we keep falling into each other and fucking our way towards the end of days."

(Californication.)