break

So.

Where am I up to so far.

Spring is here.
And I plan to have May (and June definitely as well) as months where I don't worry about "the future". The ever elusive entity.

Months where I let the beginning of this year, all this so far, sink in, slowly and softly, steadily, and calmly.
Just. sink. in.
And this plan is solid.

I want to calm down.
I want to not-stress and I want to not-worry.


There's this idea swimming around at the moment of enrolling at the Academy here.
I wasn't sure at first but I'm really really warming to this idea.
I went out last night with Keiu, to this old shipyard, where house music legend Marshall Jefferson was hitting the beats.
The whole place looked amazing and the crowd was really excellent.
Really a different side of Tallinn and new to me.
And as I was there, dancing away, I thought of the Academy and all these other things I could do in Estonia.
And suddenly it just felt so right, and awesome, and excellent.
I've had my heart set on staying home for some time now, but I haven't really understood....the hows and whys and wheres and you know. The rest of it.
And now I feel like Reason has caught up with Intuition.
Welcome onboard, son!



I want to enjoy the fact that I'm alive, I want to enjoy that I have this mind and spirit and body, and I want to enjoy that I'm home and it's spring.

I want my insides to feel happy.

That's all.

Oh, and I want this dress below.
Thankxxx.

Peace out, all your lovely people.
Follow your own measures of right and wrong.
Necessary and unneccesary.
And when something doesn't feel right - DON'T DO IT.
When something is giving you crazzyyy fear or panic - DON'T DO IT.
Just stop for a bit, figure out what is causing you all this pain and suffering, and then carry on.
There is no deadline, no opinion or no anything more important and valuable than You and your health and your well-being.
Keep your heart strong, keep your heart happy and the rest will work itself out.
But with a fearful heart, with a sad heart you cannot get to the right things anyway.
Stop jumping over your own shadow.

Here's some photos of Slavic babes.

Love, always.
Yours truly.
M.

news

ALMOST time for some COOL news!

Almost.


For now, I'm drinking tea, clearing out things, and thinking about cool things that could and should happen in my life.
And spring is coming!
May-June-July.

MAY-JUNE-JULY.

For any of you who don't know, these months in Tallinn are GLORIOUS.


So peace out, my darlings!
Magic is something you make.
Follow your own heart, and s_rew all else.

WITH LOVE.
Always.
M.

last year

I just revisited the writings pre-moving and also today, one year ago.


And this was quite the experience!Maybe I shouldn't be surprised that it was this emotional.

I mean, pre-moving I was terrified! I was absolutely petrified out of my mind.
I can so clearly tell just by the way I was writing, I was just somewhere else. Eyes pressed shut, so I wouldn't feel anything, not feel the fear, feel the uncertainty.
Wow...
I don't remember the feelings at all so I'm grateful to have the writings.


Today a year ago I was back home, and had been home for almost 2 months.
I wrote about finding balance, and surrounding yourself with the "right" people - the people who fan your flame and give you courage to fight your battles and take your chances.
A lot of which I was talking about I have accomplished, tenfold.
Some of which I was talking about - I am yet to do.

But I'm just.......truly shocked at how much more aware I am.
Of life, of the sensory and the mental, the spiritual and the aural. All of it.
I was just, under a layer of polyurethane foam (I'll add a photo).
Just, a non-feeling, non-honest entity.
And to think I was torturing my brain asking why the singing won't go like I feel it could have gone?
Well that is exactly the answer.
God, I would just like to give myself-a-year-ago a HUGE HUG!


This just goes to show that whatever you think that there is or is not in your life, things can change so so so very dramatically, for the better.

If you only have the courage to follow your heart, and accept the challenges.


We can choose, we can take the time to MAKE UP our minds!
There is no rush, there is only an opportunity to grow and develop.
Don't be scared, you will always have someone to cheer for you!
Just make up your mind, honest and loud and brave!
You can lie to anyone, just please not yourself.


Take time and realise that all choices are yours.


I love, and love, and love you.
Times are getting interesting.
I will fight for what I want, I will fight for what is mine.
I will fight my own voices telling me "I can't" or "I'm not good enough".
I will fight them and I will win.


But I will NOT settle.


Yours truly.
M.

Polyurethane foam, a photo.



And what I looked like then.
Exactly a year ago.

hole

I really need to drill a hole into my head so all this negativity and stuff can come out.

Seriously.
I'm so tired and so fed up with fighting this, this pressure, but I don't know how to release it, for good.
Just the same themes keep swimming up, and I feel like I'm drowning under them.
And every time this feeling gets stronger.
Hardly riding the wave.

I'm sad, and scared and unsure.
It feels like I've lost, at something, already.
It is like the score is 1-0 to someone else.
Best I can do to describe the feeling.
And then people go, oh but singing comes so easy to you.

I wish I didn't see the mountain I have to climb, but I do.
I'm ignoring starting the climb (..this might actually have a HUGE part in my current state of .....this), but I can see it in the background, constantly.
It's like the Alps.
Once you're there you cannot overlook the fact that they are THERE.

And meanwhile I'm crumbling, and crumbling.


Happy Friday.
I have love for all of you.
I hope you are doing what needs to be done, before it starts weighing heavy.

I hate making myself sad.


Yours truly.M.



And you know what.
Nothing external can cure these rips and tears in the system.
No love can work as glue, no gentle care and affection can melt it back together.
This is only a process for the Self and the Love from this Self.

tln

And so I'm officially back in Tallinn!

And writing on my laptop. Gosh, it's been so long!

So.
Happy Monday evening, everyone!

The three first concerts have gone extremely well.
Full houses and crazy great audiences.
And the program is so good, I absolutely love doing it.

Now I have 5 days till we have the next 3 concerts (2 on Saturday, one on Sunday) and then we're done!
It'll be so so sad!
I'll miss this bunch of people.
It has already been such a learning experience.

Seriously.
Life makes my head spin.
In the most wonderful way.
But I feel a little like a 5 year old who is spinning just a little too fast.
This feeling of great joy, and a little bit of fear, at toppling over.
But I guess even if my head starts to spin too much, and I do topple over, I will have people to gimme a hand, help me off the ground, and laugh it off.
So again, I always get back to this one point.
Fear is human.
Fear is natural.

Happy 3AM, everyone.
I've got too many thoughts.
Love to all of you.

Yours truly.
M.

blade

Standing on a blade.

According to A., one must simply love it, the process, the blade and all the rest.

I like telling people they are interesting.
I really do.
More than that, I like finding people who actually are interesting.

Also, I fear the uncertainty, of people.
It confuses me and frightens me.

This is also coincidentally why I take comfort in being so sure, all the time, about everything.
It looks like strength, conviction.
It's not.
It's just my avoidance of blind panic, at the randomness of people.


i should write
i should create
i should act
i should dance
i should box
i should climb
i should yoga


Yours truly.
M.

monologue

(Excuse the language.)
(Didn't wanna delete it though. It adds to the tone.)

[2/24/2013 10:42:40 PM] ML: oh yes
[2/24/2013 10:42:49 PM] ML: f***ing jesus. this is gonna be so weird
[2/24/2013 10:42:56 PM] ML: F**K i want to work in theatre
[2/24/2013 10:43:41 PM] ML: so why not?
[2/24/2013 10:44:04 PM] ML: lol, i just had an internal A. go - well whats the f***ing problem then ASSHOLE? (less aggressive than that but you know)
[2/24/2013 10:55:48 PM] ML: okay
[2/24/2013 10:56:02 PM] ML: emotions. lots of fear. that i would like to "release" into the universe. and replace with excitement, thanks.
[2/24/2013 10:57:23 PM] ML: i hope youre sleeping. im still gonna carry on
[2/24/2013 10:57:40 PM] ML: f**k this is so exciting
[2/24/2013 10:59:50 PM] ML: i might vomit
[2/24/2013 11:00:51 PM] ML: i havent been this excited in so long. and i will do my f***ing utmost not to bury this under "expectations" and "fear" and "brand" and "image"

[2/24/2013 11:02:06 PM] ML: and i will write this monologue down


I've come back to the drawing board, and this idea is always there.
Always.
So why not.
I always say this, but these things take time.
As long as we are talking, and thinking, it is fine.

Yours truly.
M.

fear

So, first of all.
Lately, in my life, I'm scared a lot.
Of everything.
Moving, not moving, singing, not singing, theatre, these school concerts, writing up some things, attention, heartbreak.
You name it, I'm scared of it.
I mean, at some point, I became terribly scared of my email inbox.
To the point of panic.

But then I realised.
This fear is not mine.
I've never known fear.
Really.
Like, really, truly, never known it.
I learnt it at some point in my life.
But it's not mine.

And now I've realised I don't like seeing fear, it makes me very .....annoyed.
Watching it. Witnessing it.
Watching people get frightened, over the things that should not warrant fear.

Let's differentiate between fear and fear.

The primal fear one would feel when faced with a giant bear monster thing, waiting to eat you?
Yes, fine. That can stay.

But the kind of fear, this helplessness in the face of something new?
No.

Also, let's just say. There are some people for whom either social situations or lighting a candle or going to the store or blah blah blah is very difficult.
But let's be very honest here.
For most of us, we have been taught to fear things.
To be helpless, and to feel scared, in the face of something new.

I saw that today in the face of my nephew.
This taught sense of helplessness.
It makes me so angry.

Because it hinders life.
Do more of what scares you.
Because chances are, this fear isn't yours.

It was given to you, like unnecessary legacy.
Yours truly.
M.

in case you're wondering..

..this is what I did 6am on Sunday night. Or morning. Monday morning.
Well whatever you'd call that time, this is what I did.





The reason for this madness was L's birthday.
I did use a wall to help me, but I did it nonetheless.
And I'm super proud.
Truly.
That feeling of accomplishment I got from spending 7 seconds upside-down was just beyond glorious.

Today I've sent The Email, that I had been ignoring for quite some time.
I also plan to send another email (which consists of three), one which I have also been ignoring for quite some time.

I had this realisation last night, walking home. (I guess this is one towards which all my work has been moving.)
And it was just this moment where I understood in some way that all of us Know everything anyway.
(I know this sounds fairly ridiculous, but please, bare with me.)
The truth of the matter is, if we could only shut up these problems, these fears that we're taught, these complexes and the rest of the bullshit, then all that remains is knowledge.
Pure, simple knowledge.
Understanding of our own worth, our path, the "next move".
All the "what I need to do next".

Truth is, we are not born with fear.
Humans are said to be scared of two things, and two things alone (..not clowns):
- Darkness
- and Falling

So the rest of the crap just happens.
The "Life-happens" syndrome, as I've come to call it.

Unless we ask for what we want, we won't get it.
Unless we know ourselves, we won't know what to want (..on the soul-level. I'm not talking new shoes.)
Unless we accept ourselves, we won't know ourselves.

So forget what the first grade bully said, or the ex-boyfriend, or that one friend, or your aunt who thinks she has All the Answers, or your dad that one time when he was angry, or your mum who's scared of new things, or the friend who wants something else than you, or the society, or some book or another.

Because no-one knows You, like you know You.

And the fear, it's not yours.

Yours truly.
M.

pure and free

“Remember that attachment is ignorance.
In reality, nothing is attached.
Everything is freely flowing and changing.
Attachment is purely a mental/emotional phenomenon.
It makes insecurity and fear possible.”

http://lazyyogi.org/

what you imagine

What kind of a life did I imagine?
What if there was no fear?
What if I had no fear?

I mean, these questions are so interesting, I don't even know where to begin.

Lucky are those who dream a lot.
Because in dreams there are no boundaries and there is no fear.
We grow up with people giving us advice and warnings and cautionary tales and big bad wolves and the rest. So many limits, and so many boundaries.
Things you shouldn't do, words you mustn't say, ideas that won't get you anywhere.
And so on.
And so forth.

"Live the life you have imagined".
This life that sometimes shows itself in the deep deep warm darkness of your dreams. The one you don't ever voice because it's so secret and so precious, that merely talking about it might tarnish the purity of the divine dream.
The things you want, and need, and just thinking about it feels like drinking from the cup of unicorn paradise.
The dreams that sometimes get lost and also get forgotten.

Also.
Think of the word "imagine". Imagine the word "imagine".
It is just so huge, so huge and wonderful.
Imagining, and imagination.

I don't often entertain myself with thoughts like this.
Because I'm "rational", and "reasonable", and "logical", and I "listen to my head".
Whatever, blah, blah, blah.
Point is.
Dreaming is the steam and the fuel.
Fine, let's say you're clever enough to build a frikkin' train.
But if there's no juice in the tank, the train won't run, will it, smarty-pants?

So for all the glorious cleverness - I must dream.
And listen to the dreams I find.

And then, and only then, really truly live the life I have secretly imagined all along.

And be the person I have imagined I want to become.
M.

what i want.

As if we had wings.
M.

love

http://dani.metromode.se/

I've spoken about Dani's blog before.

This time she was talking about love. Not my usual topic, but it was just so simple.
Enough of the introduction, I'll just forward what she wrote.

‘’Love is what we were born with.  Fear is what we learned here.’’ Marianne Williamson.

LOVE BEGINS WITH YOU: Your inner voice is where your story of love begins: It is hard to feel worthy of love if someone is criticizing you all the time and especially if that someone is talking in your head.

True love isn’t about being inseparable; it’s about two people being true to each other even when they are separated.

Love and kindness is a way of living.  Where there is love, there is no judgment.  Where there is judgment, there is no love.

Love is the great transformer,  the greatest medicine to heal the whole world.

Love is something you and I must have.  We must have it because our spirit feeds upon it.

Love is the greatest healing power of all.

Love fuels passion, hope and desire. It generates creativity giving us purpose and making us feel alive.

 All your love matters and makes a difference.

 Love is accepting others as they are, allow them to be themselves and stop trying to change them.

"Our life is a reflection of what we believe we deserve."

"

So what do you think you deserve?

Love.
M.

freaking out

Today is Sunday. I'm leaving on Wednesday.
I am freaking out.

In other news, we had another super fun day today. (Yesterday consisted of good lunch and gaming at my old friend's house.)
We started off being really useful and got stuff done. Then went for some coffee. Came home, went for bowling (I won, yay!) And then came home to eat stuff in our den (yes, we built a den yesterday) and watch BAFTAs.

And now I've realised that when I wake up tomorrow, it will be "I'm moving the day after tomorrow" which is freaking me out.

The massive saving grace of this evening is the fact that J. decided to give me her jumper that says "YAY!" on it, which I think is pretty fitting. And apparently it works really well in either inappropriate or really stupidly stupid situations, or just in a crap mood.
And I love this jumper.

Happy Monday morning that's around the corner. 
M.

hej!

I've been pretty slow with posting lately. Life on the roooooad.
Here's what I just wrote, in Stockholm Centralstation. I'm stealing someone's wifi.

Marvel.

All we will ever need is for someone to stop and marvel with us. At the things that make us unreasonably happy, to the point of wanting to cry a little, because stuff is just so indescribably awesome. Not someone who would tell us not to be so over the top, or to grow up. Just find someone to sit with you and not judge you. A companion who would squeal and clap with excitement at the white Lambo passing (if that’s your thing), or love Nutella too much, or stand in a forest, in the cold and dark and just breathe cause it tastes so good in your lungs.
So don’t over-look the magic. Children see it, adults lose it. We don’t want to, but we do. All these responsibilities and commitments. I’m not saying don’t do your job and clean your house or pay your bills, just sometimes take a second and realize how unbearably awesome it is that we are. Just you know, as people. That we exists.
And we have the opportunity to find a job we love, because why wouldn't you want to spend your entire lifetime doing something you absolutely love?
Why wouldn't you want to look at some great paintings, and maybe eat some sausage?
Or just be crazy happy because you have socks?
Or pretend you’re blowing out cigarette smoke when it gets cold enough outside?
Or look at a stranger just because you’re interested?
Or just go for something, like really something?

Kids are awesome.
I think that’s why they annoy me so much. Cause I envy their enthusiasm. Okay, they are actually annoying sometimes, but most of the time it’s just energy, and wonderment, and hunger for adventure and not being so scared all the time of falling.
What are adults so afraid of breaking, all the time?

I’ll give you some context – I was on my way to the Centralstation in Stockholm where my bus is going to leave from, in an hour or so, to Bromma airport. And I have my big suitcase with me, it weighs a lot. And my hand luggage as well, weighs a lot. So I was dragging it around, and my spine was crying and I was tired and blah blah blah. So I finally got to Central and all of a sudden – BOOOYA – there was this little band playing. A double bass, clarinet and a banjo, 3 men, dressed as Santa’s helpers (PÄKAPIKUD! for anyone Estonian). And they were playing all sorts of waltzes that could have been played in any turn-of-the-century Parisian ballroom, and then they played some Charlestons fit for any 1920s speak-easy, flappers and all. And of course, since this is a train/bus station it has such a nice echo-ey acoustic so this whole gigantic station building was just filled with this music.
And you kind of have to just stop and go, OKAY, FINE. This IS magic. Anyone who dares to say otherwise needs to seriously reassess shit, like now.

So here I am. Spending time, with the laptop, and the coffee, smiling at strangers, cause that’s frankly how I roll. Because why not. It’s so snowy and cold outside and smiling costs me nothing. Definitely less than my cappuccino. Caffeine, I mean, why are you so dear to my heart?

Here’s a photo of me and A. being wintery mitten-sluts. The rest of the photos are trapped in my phone, for now.

FIND SOMEONE TO MARVEL WITH.
With love.
M.

52

52 days left of 2012.
fifty
two
days
a lot of days that is


These past couple of years and this one included are turning out to be big ones. Not anything particular, just personal developments of all kinds.

I realised I hadn't challenged myself in so long
(so that's why I'm now supplying challenges left, right, and centre.)
(...not really that many. just enough to get some inertia going)


mistakes.
making mistakes
and learning from mistakes
...mistakes are good.


Also. Like, "am I proud of myself", is an interesting question. 
So often the pride-o-meter is applied by us from an outside angle. I used to be terribly concerned with whether person A is proud of me, or person B, and so forth. 
This is fine.
But I mean, what about me? What about you? What about, "are we proud of ourselves"?


Pride. 
Pride is an interesting one.
Taking pride in what you do.
Pride is one of the Seven Deadly Sins. (This is somewhat beside the point, just an interesting digression.)

Measuring myself according to my own scales of pride, not someone else's.



Failing, as well.
What is that about? This fear of failure b*llshit?
It is so common, but also, such a massive load of crap.
Failing at what? And why should anyone be scared?
(Please note that I'm talking here more about myself than anyone else.)
(And I'm also going to come back to this topic, soon.)
There's a thing, a way of working out, apparently, called "Failing".
So the point is, you do something until you physically "fail" - your body gives out.
You don't count.
You don't measure the distance.
You go till you fail.
You go till you go.
I'm not going to go into the physical benefits of this or the lack of, that's for other people to discuss who know much more about this, but.
The reason I find this interesting is that failing itself becomes a thing. A thing that is fine, all the time. Not THE thing you fear most.
You workout, till you fail. Only to workout again, to fail, again.
It sets up quite a healthy relationship with the term.
So, let's fail.
And then fail again.




so Yoga Neil and Mermaid A. will rave through the universe, only drinking shots, with REALLY great abs. 
drunk and fit. rowdy, a little slutty and SO MUCH FUN.

you will eat msg noodles and be great at tap and swimming and riding,

i will eat tubs upon tubs of icecream and i'll be good at yoga and kickboxing.

we will create fear and chaos in the heart of every swede and Adam Levine (RHYME HO) and it will be glorious.

Chaos and Mayhem, + abs.

52 days left.
Make
them
count.

i want sushi.
M.

Lucia, poor Lucia

(Little opera evening)



Lucia di Lammermoor.
Poor girl.

"Toi mon vivre"