midnight

Hey, guys!!

Can I just start with saying that the past few days have been really truly wonderful!

First of all, a very unexpected message from a dear acquaintance and a colleague I reallly respect, then some super excellent baroque concerts, then some work meetings with like-minded people, talking about exciting ideas about new projects, and then another super lovely meeting.
It's so nice to receive a hand from the Universe when stuff gets really crap.
I'm so grateful for this pick-me-up.


So the storm has passed I think.


I'm looking forward to doing things.
And I'm feeling nice in my bones.
I don't have many thoughts to share with you this Friday night.
But what I can say is this - I'm feeling steady, and pleased, and happy about the way this energy is moving.

I'm throwing a bunch of stuff out tomorrow, dad's coming to help.
We're dropping them off at this second hand centre where they relocate your things and clothes to people in need.
I've filled a big IKEA bag and my big suitcase.

That's a lot of stuff.
A lot of stuff = a lot of new space.
And this makes me exited!

Upwards and onwards, let's keep our flames burning.


Tomorrow I am doing some shopping in town, I've got a charity concert on Sunday so I need some stuff for that. Then dad and getting rid of the clothes. Then I'm getting my nails done, I'm really starting to enjoy it! And then perhaps a little sunbed - the dress for Sunday is white.
So that's my very simple Saturday.

Love to all of you!
I'm grateful about feeling happy, I'm grateful for making new space and I'm grateful that I feel like I'm making progress.

Follow your truth.
Yours truly.
M.

fasting

Hey, guys!

So.

Fasting.



So.


Basically.
I've been really really struggling lately with focusing my mind.
And getting some space.
I've just been kind of...okay, the best way to describe the feeling is full, but full of nothing, and I feel a need to get some space.
It would affect everything, from singing, to breathing, to being, to Thinking.
In one word, life.

And so.
Pisces mentioned something, this farm house, 2 hours south from Tallinn, and it's a fasting retreat.
Now then.
I've never ever been familiar with the idea of fasting nor have I been particularly positive about it.
But I think it was always because of the context of people saying "I won't eat 2 days out of the week to lose weight and get skinny" and that frankly gets me f_king aggressive.
But, you know me, guys. A retreat of meditation, quiet and peace and space for 5 days.
Yes, please, thanks.
And all of a sudden this idea of fasting didn't feel wrong or violent, it felt necessary.
Just truly necessary, like something I need.
Literally clear the system and clear my head and get some space inside, get some space to breathe, and get some space for something positive to have the place to come streaming in.



So I did some reading.
I know this is seen as something extreme and weird and you know, fill in the gap with any negative adjective.
But all I can give you is what I know.
So I did some reading.


During a "big clean" the body assesses what is necessary and what's not. Everything unnecessary will be released and the necessary remain.
Fasting quite literally gives your cells a restart. The toxins that gather in the system leave, and the cells get a fresh new GO.
It doesn't weaken the system - it strengthens it.
Immune system, nervous system.
More space on the "interal harddrive".
And in addition to new energy, and some serious "forza vitale", it clears your head.
It teaches patience and dedication.
Best done at spring.


And it is spring.
It's spring.
Outside, it is spring.
And I don't feel it!
I need to feel it's spring.
I need it to be spring inside.
I need to get new space, new air, I need to feel like something new is happening and growing, on the inside.

I need to feel potential, a potential for something wonderful to happen.
Oh Jesus mother of 7 heavens, I miss that feeling.
Just potential.
I don't want it start raining gold on my face, or win with some lottery or whatever.
I just want to feel the feeling of Potential.
A space, a potential for something wonderful to happen.


And so I'm going to the retreat.
I'm doing a spring clean, within myself, giving my digestive system a break, giving my cells a boost of energy, and most importantly I'm clearing my head.
Out out out out out out out with the old.
Refresh, reboot, reformat.

I'm going Wednesday to Sunday.
I'll take my books.
I'll take some crayons.
I'll meditate and draw and maybe sing.
And oh, there's a masseuse there.

Just, I'm not still water.
I need air, to breathe, space to think, room for new thoughts and room to let in my enthusiasm.


And of course, I'll tell you later how it was.


Peace out, and love to all of you.

Embrace the duality.
M.

blog?

Bad kitty. 

I haven't blogged in a while.

And as we know, every day i don't blog, is a day of uncollected thoughts.

And this time is no different.

Christmas this year arrived with an unwanted friend.

Serious past and baggage time.

But this is just a matter of semiotics, I guess...

Label it different.

Not impossible.

There is no one and only.

With anything.

There's choices and options and paths.

We each have a different one.

And so we have different things that hurt.

No pain is the same.

Find the people who heal your pain.

It's the greatest gift anyone can give.

Things don't simply disappear, sadly.

Until we are ready to take them, head on, and always with love.

For that is the only thing ever to heal anything really.

So when you do find that which hurts, give it Love.

Give yourself (!!) love.

Whatever it is that has caused you this pain, it has done it long enough.

So out of pure love for yourself, forgive.

And release.

And where there was pain, is now Love.

I know all this founds fairly vague and lala-land, but it works.

I'm on my way to tour concert number 3.

It's 2 days before Christmas and my heart is somewhere else.

But it's good, all of this is good.

And last night as well, so many old friends.

So happy 4th Advent to you all.

Stick with your process, and as long as you have Hope in a universal abundance, you'll be just fine.

I think it's time for me to do some reading.

And painting.

And maybe even go to some work out class.

Or yoga with Pisces.

Mostly reading though.

As ever, yours truly.

M.

autumn

I thought of something today.

Autumn.
And why autumn suits this kind of thing.

Because everything is getting bare and cold, and sparse.

So it's easy to discuss, and think, and feel yourself at the core, find the core.
All the falling leaves, everything is skeleton.

Space.

And the skeleton provides a great base for this sort of thinking.

And so for the first time, I don't have a problem with autumn.
I'm rather enjoying it.
And I feel it helps the processes of psychological deduction.

So, autumn.
Here's to you.

Yours truly.
M.

perfect

This is a post about perfection.

Okay, so when I was a 5-year-old, my dad asked me why I use the word "hate".
You know, like kids do it, "I hate this", "I hate that", "I hate peas", et cetera.
So he said, why not say "dislike".
He told me the word "hate" had a lot of negative energy, for me and for others, using a word that strong, that powerful.
So I dropped it, and I don't use it.
I just don't.
I rarely, rarely - rarely - close enough to almost say "never", feel strong enough to "hate" anything, at all.
Strong dislike? Sure.
Hate? No.

I will now.
I hate this search for "perfect", or "perfection".
I hate it.
The Perfect Wedding, the Perfect Man, the PERFECT holiday, the PERFECT dress, the PERFECT hair, the PERFECT PERFECTION.
Seriously.

(.. keep going with me.)

The thing is.
To seek perfection or to seek The Perfect person or state, implies that at some point we get to stop working, and stop growing.
It implies that at some point change will stop occurring.
Therefore, it implies the arrival of stagnation.
Blissful (I'm sure), yet stupid stagnation.
Almost like a catatonic state.

The question is not whether "perfect" exists in this world or not.
I don't care.
The point is that we simply do not - and honestly do not - need it.
We don't need it.
It does us no good.
No good, at all, as living, breathing, sweating, bleeding human beings.
We are alive.
This implies not being stagnant! Ever.
Stagnation in human beings implies a flat-line.
No heartbeat, no blood pressure, no cells growing, and renewing.
Perfection makes us strive for a goal, an end-point, when we really should have two eyes focused on the journey.
This magical, awesome, brilliant journey.
Also called Life.
There is no "perfect", there is no end point.

There is just the boundless giving random-ness of the great Universe kaleidoscope.

Perfect has nothing to do with it.


It's like this phrase: Picture Perfect.
But you know what? It's also un-alive.
And I come at this as someone who has the highest regard for the art of photography, photographers and photos.
I really do value it as an art and respect it, but real life?
Real life is not picture perfect.
This endless talk about - this looks perfect, and that looks perfect.
Fine for selling something, an advertisement, or dolls, and of course snapshots of our memories.
But we cannot be Picture Perfect because we are alive.
And that is magical.
And I don't see why anyone would ever want to change that.
Change the magic of being alive for giving into the hunt for this rigidity.

We are alive, so alive.
Perfection cannot be duplicated.
Maybe newborns are perfect?
Maybe the fact that the sun rises and sets, is perfect?
Maybe flower-like frost on a window, is perfect?
Or maybe laughing till you cry with friends?
But it cannot be manufactured.
It happens.
Maybe it exists after-all.
But to chase it would be certain death for the living cell.

It just Is.
We just Are.

So let's just Be.

Yours truly.
Love and light, as always.
M.

walls

It's funny how there are two kinds of walls.
The walls which feel like walls, concrete, and cold and have absolutely no life in them.
They keep you from the light, keep you from air. Keep you from your dreams, buried and out of sight somewhere in cement.

Wall type number 2, however, is very different. These walls don't actually feel like anything. It's rather a safe and sound environment. They protect and keep safe. They are there, of course, but they don't feel like stone. They feel like, the palm of a hand.
Warm and protected.

Currently I'm residing between wall type no1.
Oh, joy, upon joys.
And this is also where a lot of my angst comes from.

I want my own HQ, you know?
Head Quarters where I can plot and scheme and plan my life.
A place that serves as inspiration, not hindrance.

UGH.
M.

space

Back to this question, of space, my own space.
I was thinking about this today, as I was walking home.
Thinking of the way the floor will feel, thinking of having a vinyl player, and playing records of Chopin, or whatever, that I will have bought from this second hand/ vintage shop.
And cups of tea, sat on the floor, in socks.
And drawing, and having more and more courage to dream so big that I could almost faint and feel that I can't fit my dreams in my head and my heart.
And maybe get some of my friends to paint something on the walls.
And just make it my space.

My
space

My
own
space

for
me

Space
just
for
me

With love.
M.

bla bla

There's been a load of "bla bla" in my head lately.
Which also coincides with no meditation.

So there's a big fat point in this.
At least for me.

Lesson to be learnt: sit and breathe, child. Sit and breathe.
Meditating isn't anything else or more complex.
Clarity of mind, sat or not, doesn't matter.
It's just I like sitting.



Even in recklessness, heal your hearts.


BLA BLA, go home.
M.

my town

Tallinn.

Hometown.
M.

wanderlust

My wanderlust is just out of control.



It's all I think about, every day, basically all the time.
Just this need to go and explore and adventure.
This is not a need to "go on a holiday", or to get a tan or get drunk in beach-side bars.
It's just a true yearning (the purest of these I've ever had) to go and see and explore.

This is just out of control.

Out of control wanderlust.
To See, and Breathe.

I just want to wander/wonder with an open heart with room for it to be Open.
With space, and freedom, and the safety to open up which comes with this freedom.

I mean, to be honest. I don't really need to leave the country for this.
This is not the point.
There's plenty to See here, on this tiny speck of wild land.

Plan.
Everything is possible.
I just need to plan.
Plan, plan, plan.

At least, I know what I need, and what I truly desire.

And that is good.
M.


Don't ever deny yourself your true nature.

sun

There's just this super ghetto looking lot of nothing behind our apartment block.
But it gets real pretty sunsets and sunrises. 

So I'm super pleased they are yet to fill it with all-sorts of buildings, but for now, it just is.

Sunsets.
M.

spring

My mega Soviet romantic nostalgia photo, from yesterday.

I love it.
It reminds me of my childhood.
I like the sharp lines (maybe that's why I'm a fan of them anyway).
(And no, it doesn't actually look like that, the suburbs are really green.)

Just so much sky.

Happy spring.
M.

an actual post

THEY ARRIVED!
My boxes, guys! They arrived!

Oh my heavens, this feeling of having my things in the same space, creates this incredible atmosphere.
It sounds pretty ridiculous, so simple, so shallow, but honestly, it's not.
It's not about the things, it's about the fact that my life and everything it entails is syncing. The halves are here in the same space as me and it feels so glorious.
It feels like I have dropped the anchor and so I can now stand still, near the harbour, for just a day. Enjoy some sunshine and eat the local food.
Then drag it up again, adjust the sails, and go.

But no one can go forever, without that day near the harbour. That day of sunshine, sea food and tanned faces. Seashells, waves, dancing girls and stray cats. No one. You have to have that day.
So I am having that day.
With all my stuff, here, in my room, right now.

YAYAYYAYAYYAYYAYYYAYYYAYYAYAYAYYYYYYYYY!

Yes.

Take that day. 
M.

clear out

Today I am being productive and doing something that I've been putting off for a while - the "big clear out".

My boxes should be arriving from LDN today so I'm equally super excited but also aware that I was to make a lot of space. So I'm just sorting through all my belongings in TLN to see whether I actually need any of them. And so far so good.
The bin bags are filling and it honestly feels like it's easier to breathe.

And of course my favourite t-shirt with Edward Cullen is helping me out.
Thanks, clothing item.

Make your own air.
M.

stuff

There's a chance that my stuff is arriving soon!
We're talking like a week. This would be such a load off my mind. At the moment it just feels like my poor boxes are hovering somewhere around the other end of Europe. And it's just so not pleasant.

So YAY! I really hope the rest of this runs smooth.

Boxes. 
M.

cleanse

i am going to cleanse my space
which is what i'm currently doing

This was never ever a priority (I think I've mentioned this before). (I'm pretty sure I have, actually.)
But now because I feel that my mind's so much clearer and less cluttered I actually feel that I want the space around me to echo that.
So all of my hands on deck for this mission.

Cleanse.
M.

singing

So.
I use this blog as my personal wall space.
If I could actually use the 4 walls in my room, and write on those, I would. But that would be a bit annoying afterwards.
So I use this as my personal space where I blurt out whatever needs blurting out.
And this has helped me a lot, in terms of getting clarity and staying on top.

So now I thought, if I've managed to help myself through this blog, why not see whether I could do the same in terms of singing. This won't mean loads of technical boring stuff. But rather more of the same, but with a singing angle.
Singing for me is the most psychologically charged subject matter. I think it's partly because I started singing so young and kind of grew up judging myself. So now, whenever I sing I can just feel that voice in the back of my head start to criticise again. Criticism is good. But not when all you do is just bash yourself in the face with it.

Cause I do worry a little, about my singing stuff. The line between working on actual issues but then just steering away from hard work is so thin I think. But I might apply my workout logic with this: "If it's hard, to more of it."

I'll see how this goes, or doesn't.M.
My absolute favourite 'work' photo of me, ever. Ever.
And the second one is a bunch of flowers that this old man gave me after one of my summer concerts. These simple simple flowers were just so sincere and therefore, a photo of them.

my Nordic heart

The second image is entirely for A.