autumn

I thought of something today.

Autumn.
And why autumn suits this kind of thing.

Because everything is getting bare and cold, and sparse.

So it's easy to discuss, and think, and feel yourself at the core, find the core.
All the falling leaves, everything is skeleton.

Space.

And the skeleton provides a great base for this sort of thinking.

And so for the first time, I don't have a problem with autumn.
I'm rather enjoying it.
And I feel it helps the processes of psychological deduction.

So, autumn.
Here's to you.

Yours truly.
M.

release the swag

www.polyvore.com

So.

With the arrival of autumn, my annual feeling of being the most boring person in the country has returned.

So this has created my joint project with A. for turning on the outer swag.
The pretty one suggested going on polyvore.com, which might change my life.

Also, just to be clear, this boringness is absolutely external.
I don't feel interally boring.
I just think I look ridiculously boring.

Also, adding some boyfriend jeans to my wardrobe.
And using Kandee Johnson's videos to learn some new make-up tips.

Because this is where my head is at.
And apparently I consider this very important.

Yours truly.
M.

happy beginning

..of Autumn.

It has now officially started its absolutely unstoppable tour-de-force.

All I have for you is love and light and this.



Yours truly.
M.

‘As you walk and eat and travel, be where you are. Otherwise you will miss most of your life.’ ~Buddha

last days of summer

Hello, 4th of September.
The nights have got really cold, but today was super nice.
So we were pretending it's still summer.

Happy pretend-summer.

Yours truly.
M.

projects

So.

Time to talk projects soon, darlings.

This autumn season.
The season is coming.
The Season of Work Things And Stuff.

Autumn used to have a very very, very, specific meaning.
Autumn used to mean knowledge, lots of it.
A huge intake of knowledge.
And then people.
And sometimes new people, sometimes old people.
But people.
And structure.
Autumn used to mean structure.
And knuckling down. Real hard.
Like, real real hard.
Like, working-butts-off territory.
Only the past few years this pattern has changed.
I used to look forward to that kind of an autumn.
I remember the feeling.
The "School Feeling".
I used to get excited, about autumn, and the smell, and the new pencil case, and paper blocks, and you know.
Developing, growing.
Getting smart.
The idea of getting smart.
Getting better.
And the idea of getting better.

So yes, this is why I liked autumn.

But now I fear it.
I don't know where this association came from, but somehow over time I developed a fearful view of autumn.
The dying, the decay, the cold, and mist, and fog, and stuff.

I'd really like to script myself an Autumn-Winter '13 season that I'll love.
Using all these ideas, of improvement, of knuckling down and getting smart.
Learning.
I guess I've forgotten how much I love learning.

I mean, I really do.

So.
Gotta work at this.

I might actually find some photos.
Or like, a school time photo.
I seriously liked it.
And I've forgotten.

Yours truly.
M.

home comforts

This and this.

Since two-thirds of the summer are over, there's a part of me that already has an eye on the coming of autumn.
It is forever on my mind.
Time for home comforts.



Another thing I found was this.
I really want a wall like this.
My homage to sea, which I love, all quiet, terrible and utterly free.
It is where I'm most at peace.



I feel really ..un-ordered.
In my thoughts.
Like, old baggage.
Leftovers.
But, nothing that pen and paper can't handle.

Work to be done.
M.

would you stay, just a little?

"what we think, we become."
so let's think good, kids



Today's been a busy one. And tomorrow will be nice.
I need to finish some stuff. But I'll plough.
It's boring to be nice. It's nice to be nice. And it's nice to be boring at the moment.

I think I should start saying goodbye to Tallinn. I'm flying on Sunday. That's 5 nights and 4 and a half days. (Who's keeping count.)
I think that's just short of the time I'll need to say goodbye.
This is going to be so hard, I'm quivering already.

Pizza tomorrow, at E's new place. Pizza and cold cans of Coke, from her fridge, in her place.
I'm so so happy for her, just so happy about all of this.

Of course, this has fuelled my own burning desire for a place. A box. Maria's box. Maria's little box. To be honest, this must be getting boring already - considering I whine about this quite often.
But not to fear, these cogs will start turning soon.
And I'll be writing about my fridge, and my place.

We celebrated today. With some champers and cake. I think most things in life, regardless of the tonality or particular shading, should really be celebrated with cake and champagne.

Back to London.
This is the first time in 7 YEARS (that's SEVEN YEARS) that I've been in Tallinn this far into autumn. 3rd of October. This hasn't happened in 7 years.
I don't really even know what to think about it.

I'm still working towards understanding why I don't think this one is the "ideal world" I keep talking about. I'll figure it out, and start doing all the things I say I'd do.
And it will be fun.


give in to me
M.

simple simple midnight pleasures

It's all good, really.


E. and I went swimming today. Bubbles, swimming, sauna and chats. I mean, come on.
Like a little fishy fish. Should have sung the Salmon dance song, really.

Friday is looming. Can't wait. (Seriously.)

Simple midnight pleasures - did my nails. They are now purring "autumn.." at me, and I don't really mind it. Something between good red wine, a ripe plum and some dark soggy leaves.
Sexy, sexy autumn.
Simple pleasure - playing with one's new phone, like it is the first phone anyone has ever seen or touched or you know. It's silly, but god, it's great fun. (Oh yea, and my phone's red as well. Ahhh, the patterns.)

Simple pleasure - Lord of the Rings, extended versions. I mean, just, YES.


And my phone background is a picture of really red trees. Nicer than the one below, but something along those lines.
I am shoving autumn in my own face. And starting to grow somewhat fonder of it. Shock therapy, or whatever.


So much shallow, shallow fun.
M.

a dying breed

Autumn in Tallinn. I haven't felt it in 6 years. And I have completely forgotten what it is like.
E. said the other day that it has been gradual. I literally woke up one morning and thought I had been smacked in the face with it.
It hits like a ton of bricks. But not solid bricks. But rather a ton of bricks that feel like a ton of clay mass, that you can't get rid of, or wash off, or anything. It's stuck to me, even when I sleep.
I wake up in the middle of the night, and think I'm cold.
And the worst part is, it makes me feel like I'm dying. Okay, not actually dying. Just the buzz or the excitement that I get during the summer, of just being and doing - I feel that dying.
The only, and I mean, THE ONLY thing I think I find appealing about autumn is the fact that Michael Bublé sounds divine. It just fits autumn. So it gets a point for that.

I like watching people. I was on the divine trolley-bus today, coming into town, and just watching people as the bus passed was so good. I was considering going round the town twice, just to see people.

A dying breed.
But maybe it's always been a dying breed.

These are strange times.
But then again, which times aren't?

I would like to love someone in Paris. In Paris, in an attic room, one autumn. Like in the operas, you know. Artists and attic rooms, and autumn, and leaves, and scarves, and markets, and candles.
I would like to love someone in Paris.
Now that would make an autumn.
M.

going, going, gone

I saw the MOST AMAZING thing yesterday.

I was flying home from Stockholm, and we were already flying across Estonia, when we got to some clouds. They were beautiful, some light, some rainy ones.
I looked down and I saw one of the best things I had ever seen in my life.

The sun must have been directly above the plane, because when I looked down I saw a perfect plane-shaped shadow. But the real amazing thing was - the sun was shining onto a rainy cloud, and therefore the plane shadow was surrounded by a perfectly spherical rainbow. And it moved with us. The shadow, and the spherical rainbow.
Perfect and round. It was just extraordinary.

I made a drawing of it, in Paint. Just to explain it a little better. I mean, it truly was, one of the best things I have ever seen. I think it almost felt like magic. And I felt like I was 5. And that too was a little, tiny tiny tiny little bit like magic.

(oh heavens, i LOVE Paint.)

Estonia looked so powerful.
Flat, stable. Really strong in its flatness, this ongoing strength. Just geographical royalty almost. So balanced. And humble. And so beautiful in all its quiet wisdom.
And you can really see it from above, that the land is still allowed to breath, and feel. Humans have not broken and torn the land, the look of the land.
It still feels something, really on its own accord. And that really was quite something. Just so pure. Seeing that.

Things happening, allowing things to happen. quite on their own.

Autumn's coming. I really looked forward to the last one, but not this one. This one is different. Summer's gone too quick and I'm not ready for the cold. And stuff dying. I would rather not. And I'm not really one of those people who can just enjoy the lovely aesthetic of autumn and the leaves and go "Aww". It is beautiful, but just not it.
Summer's over.

But spring will come soon. As it always does.

A's flat is lovely.
I want to nest.
I really do. So much.

Love, M.