giving life

I'm working through my old drafts.
And this one I wrote in May.

I guess there was always gonna come a time for these thoughts.

I've always lived a very career-driven life.
If life would've been a little different somehow, family would've been the thing to drive me.
It was just such an unexpected feeling.

**
..And it was good for me to finally say it out loud, that I want a family, I want children and that I want to be a mother.

And then one of my Ones got pregnant, which literally shifted so many things.

So.
All I'm saying is, I think giving life is a wonderful thing.
A wonderful potential spinning at the very core of all things.
A wonderful space, a potent void for SOMETHING, you know.
Something where there was nothing.
So therefore we can never really run out of hope, I think.

Magic.
That is actual magic.

(I'm just going to carry on browsing my old post drafts.)

Be kind.
With love.M.

An illustration from a book of songs.

love

Last night I was sat in a sauna, around 2am.
I was there on my own, which hasn't happened in a very long time.
I used to do that all the time in our old house but ever since it's always either with friends, or at the gym. All good options.
But it used to have a very different effect and meaning for me.
A semi-meditative almost-ritual, just some purifying time alone.
And a time for good thoughts, lots of new, good thoughts.

And so I sat there, late last night.
Spanish and CH were sat outside, and I was in the sauna thinking my thoughts.

And out of nowhere sprang these ideas about love.
And what makes "it work".
I've seen so many people, find love, fall in love, experience the feelings.
And then something happens.
And so I ask, what happens?

And the more I looked at this the more I realised that love is everywhere.
We find it everywhere.
As a race, you know.
And there are so many people we could connect with, given the circumstances.
So love happens, everywhere.
But that's not It.
"It" is a decision.

When a person decides, "yes, I choose you", and coincidentally the other person decides just the same, "I choose you too", then "It" happens.

I've seen so many of my friends choose.
But one of them.
As in, they choose, but the other one simply doesn't.
And that's how far it goes.
This is nothing about, value, worth, or "if I would've had better hair", or "laughed at his jokes more".
Et
cetera

It's not a game of what-if-i-could-persuade-someone-to-appreciate-me-please-please.
It's choice+choice.
(Or very often, choice+not choice.)
Point is.
Don't fret, darlings.
Just make sure you make your own choices, make them right and make them in time.

Yours truly.
M.

In other news - I miss the Christmas tour. Good sign!

blame

Placing blame makes no sense.
But I do.
I blame you.
I swear I'll stop.

But I do, I blame you.
And you, and you.

But the truth is.
The only, and I mean, the only thing I need to realise, is that this is not a competition.
Life.
No, seriously.
This is not a competition.
I'm not competing, nor do I have to prove, anything, at all. Ever.
Old habits die hard, but they too will die.
And disappear.

I want to forever be my own first choice.
And live accordingly.
According to this one very very very simple principle:
I will forever be my own first choice.

I think that is my biggest fear.

1st.
M.