autumn

I thought of something today.

Autumn.
And why autumn suits this kind of thing.

Because everything is getting bare and cold, and sparse.

So it's easy to discuss, and think, and feel yourself at the core, find the core.
All the falling leaves, everything is skeleton.

Space.

And the skeleton provides a great base for this sort of thinking.

And so for the first time, I don't have a problem with autumn.
I'm rather enjoying it.
And I feel it helps the processes of psychological deduction.

So, autumn.
Here's to you.

Yours truly.
M.

writing

I feel I have something to write about.
And I'm feeling so grateful that this feeling exists.
So grateful.

Firstly, this week and the triple bill of soul-shaking theatre has been ridiculous.
And I really hope it shook something loose.
Since I have a feeling there is something to write about it must have changed something.

I'm watching Louis Theroux's documentaries.
Now, if you do not know who this man is, please please do look him up!
His documentaries are great.
And he takes it all face-value.
As much as one can.
With an open heart and he just listens to the people.
But he does find the strangest topics.
Fascinating.

And I want things!
I want to go to India, go to Goa, go see and grow and go open up.
But this is not the time yet.
It would hit me too hard.
The time is later on, but I will do it.
Really, really, really, really, really.



And yes, I think, yoga this week with Pisces.
She mentioned her place at some point, and I need something to balance my mind.

I also decided not to do this competition thing later in November.
Not the time.

I mean.
This bit in my life is all about the shaking loose.
Therefore - I should move more.
I need to shake loose, all the emotions.
All of it.

And also.
This photo below is beyond my means of description.
The shadows.
The shapes.
If I would ever have to approach a naked woman in a sexual context, I would pass out.
How do you even begin, to approach this?
This form.
Also, this photographic example just popped up on tumblr.
It's not the details necessarily.
It's the Thing.
The Female being as such.

And when women don't value themselves, it makes my skin crawl.
It is so widespread, it makes women seek value where there is none to be found.
And also it wrecks so many children, and then the men.
And I'm not talking relationships, but a step before, the first source of Love.
The Mother.

Oh, women.
Seriously.

Nope, cannot.
Lack the vocab.




And so.
Happy Saturday, my dears.
It's such a world we live in.

And can I just say, Dalai Lama.
Compassion.
This is all we need.
Nothing else comes into play, at all.
Just compassion.

Be kind.
Yours truly.
M.

fire, walk with me

The amount I love the sound of Lykke Li's voice is quite difficult to describe.
And also the fact that she's collaborating with David Lynch is my Fact of the day.
This is SO on repeat.

Yours truly.
M.

tomorrow

Plans for tomorrow (to make sure I get my ass up, out of bed and actually do some stuff):

_Library (for some Nekrassov!)
_Buy a dress-bag
_And buy a map
_Throw some things in the wash

_Meet Pisces-no-2 and chill like actual villains, on a beach, with lady chats, and get my tan on
_Meet the Spaniard as soon as she reaches the boarders of the capital

_(And just so I wouldn't fall behind on life admin) check my e-mails....please.....no, seriously though..


_And think SUPER MANY happy thoughts.

Lists.
M.

extraordinary

..guts.

I plan to live with extraordinary guts.

But for now, most of this is a mess.
Still.
Old patterns and stuff.
But at the same time I'm trying to be mindful of this mess.
And not think this is the way it's meant to be.
But rather understand that I can change most things, all of us can. (And oh my, I didn't believe this a few years ago.)

Moving home has been truly glorious, but truth is, old context carries old habits. A lot of which I'm not interested in, at all.

I need to remember to always look outwards. (When it's not time to look inwards and only inwards.)

The weather is divine.
I'm gonna go to my cousin's spiritual or just-Being place (whatever people need) and get my head straight.
Then back to Tallinn and I've got a wedding I'm singing at, in this big church. So wonderful that. A wedding. Two people ACTUALLY being brave enough to do it. I have so much respect for that.
Then later on I've got a super exciting meeting and the little opening of this low-key courtyard place.

Happy Saturday.
M.

This is where I'm going today.

Earth Day

Yesterday was Earth Day, and I walked my little balls off.
No, like, really.
I walked a crazy amount yesterday.

In town, with some pastry, for a while.
Then kind of, late afternoon, for a long time. I walked into town, from home, took like an hour and a bit.
And then more just before going to bed.
A lot of walking.

But it was super nice, and very therapeutic. Me and Peter Gabriel had a marvellous time.
I mean, really.
Next time I have anything to solve, at all, or release or just get over, that is what I need to do.
Have comfy footwear, have Peter Gabriel in my little earholes and walk, walk, walk.
Besides, the weather was divine.
And the sun was setting.

And I enjoy finding unexpected places or see something really beautiful, or just striking.
This photo does not do it justice, but this sunset was amazing.
Even though it's some crappy parking lot that I have never even properly looked at.

Perpetual quest for balance.
I've always said this, always, for yeeears. And that has always been the thing.
And now I was dealt a superb card to test everything that I think I know.

But spring is here.
And beauty is all over the place.

So go explore.
M.

pink

Pink wine and pink whatever.
Good food and great company.
And great conversation.

The cat's still struggling and I'm still worrying. And trying not to.

Fingers crossed for more sleep than 49 minutes last night.
Send all your love to my cat, please, please.

Thanks.

Pink.
M.

nest

This is too crowded with things for me, but for about 8 hours I would like to be in this room.
Have some tea, eat some noodles. Burn some incense, and smoke some shisha, with apple tobacco, please.
And think some thoughts, and draw.

Crowded room.
M.

LDN

Yesterday was spent under the flag of getting here and then sitting. Quite literally, sitting.
I did start my packing - woo, look at me, not procrastinating! I give myself a point.

Today AEM and I went into town to meet one of his friends. Had some lunch, and then walked about for a bit, ending up in the Ice-cream parlour at Harrods. Yes, please. Had 2 scoops of ice-cream (can I just say, I LOVE ICE-CREAM) - one was orange-carrot-lemon (ish? it was delicious anyway) and chocolate and cookies. Yes, please x 10000000
Now I'm home cooking, and then some more packing.
I started making my "Goodbye, London" list today. You know, I was thinking about it the other day. That it was like not so long ago when I posted about thinking of moving and now it's actually happening. And I can't really believe it.
I mean, I'm very excited because this is so the right thing for me right now. Having said this, I'm so scared. I shall get over it, and embrace the excitement. And rinse this month dryyyyyyyy

And this is just soooo fitting with January being for "JUST DO IT". (More about this later)

All my love.
M.

MIDDLE

I flew back 2 days ago, and so far I've only thought boring, middle-of-the-scale thoughts.
It is getting serious.
There's a reason I blog a lot in Estonia. Because I just think more there.
That of course includes the usual, the unusual and the everyday, but point is, I. just. think. more.

SO.
The question now is.

WHAT DO I DO ABOUT THIS?

Since thinking is one of my top 3 favourite things to do, this is more than a marginal problem.

"How to induce interesting thoughts?"

.....ummmmm..........

Seriously.

Seriously.
M.

ps. (Anyone with any guidance as to the question above, please go crazy.)

nighttime

scattered
scattered
scattered
scattered
scattere
scatter
scatt
scat
sca
sc
s


to be loved like that



how can a gap feel bigger than ME?
my chest is too full
(like the ribcage part of the torso)
just too full


there was so much pain, not pain pain
all new kind.



and what if, you know?
like you feel or see something, should you make someone else see it too?
or leave it?

i wanna ask you



and how much of it can there be, really?


not a clue
m.

100

A hundred posts.

A hundred thoughts.
Or just a hundred things.

A hundred posts reaching back to 2008. 4 years and a bit, of life, and people, and meetings and partings, and being reunited, and getting lost, and being happy and being sad, and accidental wet shoes, a hundred chances, and opportunities lost, or seized, a hundred colours and shapes, a hundred things that feel like a hundred years or absolutely nothing else at all than a hundred quick flashes.

But I guess that is the way it goes.

I am happy that in between the lines and in between these hundred posts there are so many things I didn't let go, or didn't miss. I took the chances, sometimes regardless of common sense or better judgement, an have therefore averted regrets. Or at least those which truly matter - the missed moments that absolutely definitely will not come around again.

A hundred.

SADA, M.