unity

This is the thing.


Self-unity.
I used to be good at being on my own.
As a child I really loved doing allsorts on my own.
I liked drawing so much.
And I loved writing.
Music, dancing.
I loved doing so much.

And I celebrated what I was.
I celebrated being me.
Not consciously, or I wouldn't have called it that, of course.
Children have this innate way, they just feel joy, at moving and doing.
What is celebration?
It's a sense of two things for me: joy and pride.

And this is the thing.
It's not that I'm not on my own lately - I am, and quite a lot, but there is a huge difference between just spending time on your own and excelling at the Self relationship.
You know, what it feels like to be you.

We need to celebrate our being.
That's what I lack.
I have awareness of what I am or am not, this is solid and detailed knowledge.
But pride or joy?
There is no shadow of celebrating being me.
And I believe this is the single true driving force of those people who really expand, themselves, their life, walk their path, being true to their soul.
Joy!!
Where the crap is my joy in being me?
Therefore there is also no celebration, goddammit.

And that's why some of the truest wonderfulness in my life turns into a chore.
Tasks and unpleasantness and deadlines that don't excite me, etc.
The question is not the tasks themselves, it's all about how I see myself.


Also, currently there's thunder and lighting outside.
This helps EVERYTHING.


And so.
My point is.
Celebrate!
Celebrate you.
You don't need to have a party or the weekend or a birthday or whatever, just have Joy is Yourself, and Pride in what you do.
If you don't feel Joy, look into it - what is keeping you from this?
If you are not Proud of what you do, look into it - there is always something you can do to help yourself. Have courage and change what you need.

Then add these two together and CELEBRATE, you spirit!
Everything else is a waste of time.
And once again - always go inwards.

Rain is BEATING down.
If I wouldn't understand physics, I would think my roof is actually going to come down.
Cool!

Yours truly.
M.

spring

Spring is coming.

And my birthday, on Saturday.

25.

I was just saying the other day, that these two years 24-25 and 25-26 will turn out to be the most pivotal.
I feel it with some certainty.

Because I'm IN this right now, I can't yet see it all clearly, nor do I have to.

But I can sense, the magnitude, of this period of time, on my life, the rest of it.

Spanning and unravelling like great Siberian plains.

Ending in the glorious nothingness of everything.

Understanding that makes all this easier.

Swimming in the middle of the ocean you can't see the size.

Once you zoom out, and zoom, and zoom, and zoom, and zoom...then you realize.

The size.

This is what it feels like now.

These are my plans for the birthday week:
singing lessons
listen to a lot of opera
choose new arias to learn
wear lots of eyeliner

So as you can see, lots of celebration plans - l o l

:D

I mean.
Yep.
This is the first time I've ever used a smiley in the blog.
But there's a first for everything.

Actually, I do want to add to my body ink this week.
I got the first one for my 20th and adding to this for my 25th seems fitting.

Apart from that - I will celebrate, with good thoughts, or something.
I don't see much meaning having a party.
Gosh, I sound like I'm 400 years old or something.
But seriously.
I see my dearest all the time.
And the rest of the people I'd love to celebrate with are not in the country.
I would much rather spend the money I'd spend on some useless cocktail on a singing lesson - and suck in their amazinggg-ness.
The teacher is just, yep, that - a Teacher.

I think I'm gonna get myself a good language set for my birthday.
I'm going to start ploughing through Italian opera and the Italian teacher returns on the 16th of March.
And I think it would be super beneficial.
Super super.

And there's some talk of a summer course in Florence so I'd love to rock up and be like - hey, I'm gonna order my ham in Italian, and the wine to go with it.

I had a concert on Saturday and two yesterday.
And I want to Go, and Do, and Be.
Life is not for imagining, it's for doing.
Imagination - fine.
But if all we ever do is sit and imagine and cry about things, nothing ever happens.
And I want things to happen.

E for EMOTIONS.
F for f* it.
S for SPRING.

Yours truly.
As always.
M.

Saturday

..and it continues.

Saturday was scaffolding day!

The morning started with the last one of my Flower-valley (Lilleoru) lectures. Which was so dense.
And I think that in my head I was already back in Tallinn preparing the gig.
So I took notes but I need to work through all of it.
But the day was absolutely beaut so it was delicious being there.

Then 7 hours of wisdom later mum and I drove back, straight to the church.
Some getting ready time, a quick rehearsal with the pianist, learning some last words.
And then off we went!


I'm so pleased we did this.
And it was so good.
The feedback was so super, like truly super. I was so surprised just how much it had touched people, including my own friends.
And I hadn't done a big project in so long, so in terms of person accomplishment this day was huge, for me.

Also, through this project I found an idea that I want to carry with me and share for a long long time:
That beauty will remain if we share with one another. (Crap translation on my part. "Üksteisega jagades jääb ilus püsima" in Estonian.)
The idea that everything fades, if we don't share. This applies to values, language, culture, ideas, beliefs, memories, stories and heritage. Share. Share with your friends with your families.
Tell them stories, show them photos, but share.
Because I've realised I don't believe in much else than just the beauty of this world, life and planet.
So share.

And then Saturday night brought more circus.

I went out, everywhere, with my backpack.
Saw the girls, sat with some friends, and then at 4AM met the Spanish one for a trip to Privé. Which was circus. Let's just say a whole session of "Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights" ensued and it was just ridiculous ridiculous jokes.

The Saturday night ended on Sunday at 9pm (?!...I rate us highly), in Vapiano, with two bear shaped pizzas.

Complaints?

NONE.
M.