unity

This is the thing.


Self-unity.
I used to be good at being on my own.
As a child I really loved doing allsorts on my own.
I liked drawing so much.
And I loved writing.
Music, dancing.
I loved doing so much.

And I celebrated what I was.
I celebrated being me.
Not consciously, or I wouldn't have called it that, of course.
Children have this innate way, they just feel joy, at moving and doing.
What is celebration?
It's a sense of two things for me: joy and pride.

And this is the thing.
It's not that I'm not on my own lately - I am, and quite a lot, but there is a huge difference between just spending time on your own and excelling at the Self relationship.
You know, what it feels like to be you.

We need to celebrate our being.
That's what I lack.
I have awareness of what I am or am not, this is solid and detailed knowledge.
But pride or joy?
There is no shadow of celebrating being me.
And I believe this is the single true driving force of those people who really expand, themselves, their life, walk their path, being true to their soul.
Joy!!
Where the crap is my joy in being me?
Therefore there is also no celebration, goddammit.

And that's why some of the truest wonderfulness in my life turns into a chore.
Tasks and unpleasantness and deadlines that don't excite me, etc.
The question is not the tasks themselves, it's all about how I see myself.


Also, currently there's thunder and lighting outside.
This helps EVERYTHING.


And so.
My point is.
Celebrate!
Celebrate you.
You don't need to have a party or the weekend or a birthday or whatever, just have Joy is Yourself, and Pride in what you do.
If you don't feel Joy, look into it - what is keeping you from this?
If you are not Proud of what you do, look into it - there is always something you can do to help yourself. Have courage and change what you need.

Then add these two together and CELEBRATE, you spirit!
Everything else is a waste of time.
And once again - always go inwards.

Rain is BEATING down.
If I wouldn't understand physics, I would think my roof is actually going to come down.
Cool!

Yours truly.
M.

light

I passed you on a Sunday,
like I had countless
countless
countless times before.
I passed you where the walls melt,
and the daisies bend their heads.
I passed you in the sunshine,
almost touched your hand.
I passed you in the rain
and your light touched mine,
in all its glory
and the spectrum.
I passed you,
and I passed you again.

Drink it.
M.

tuesday

I've been very useful today. So I give myself a point!

And we've got an awesome awesome Tuesday planned! (Since it is my last official day. OH. MY. F*CK.)

AEM and I are gonna get up at 7AM and go to town for breakfast. We've got a table for 8.30 at this place http://www.gordonramsay.com/bread-street/
And I'm so going to have eggs benedict. Ahhh, eggy B, my old friend. (And probably some pink grapefruit.)





Then we're meeting J. at the Barbican tube station around half 9 to go to the Barbican for the Rain Room installation.
Rain Room is a hundred square metre field of falling water through which it is possible to walk, trusting that a path can be navigated, without being drenched in the process.
http://random-international.com/work/rainroom/
It looks absolutely incredible. Apparently the queues are like crazy (3-4 hours) so we're getting there an hour and a half before it opens. We're going armed with boardgames (connect-4 and battleship which I love) and I'll need a can of Sprite I think.
And then AJ is joining us a bit later.

Once we've seen the Rain Room and got our minds blown to particles AEM and I have some errands to run, after which it's PANCAKE DAY!
Since it's Shrove Tuesay it's time for some Pancakes. For the 5th year in a row I'll be making the pancakes. The thing is I don't really like eating them, but gosh, do I love making them.
And then we're going to the cinema to see Django.

And then I'm going to sleep, think some good thoughts and not freak out.
I keep swinging from loving everything and everyone to being so scared and anxious to back to this total sentimental love again. It's much like a rollercoaster, honestly.

But this is where I have to give credit to the girls at home, E., the pretty one, K. for their unfaltering excitement at my return and being so positive. Otherwise I just couldn't go through with this. So I'm just taking a moment to be grateful.
And of course, A. who's like a brother, a sister, a pet, and a grandad all rolled into one.

Here's to shifting yourself.
All my love.
M.

kardashians

Last night was hard.
I don't even know why but I just got so frustrated, with the endless packing (seems endless), and not having a date.
This is so boring, for everyone. Truly, truly boring.

SO.
New day, new stuff.
And for now I'm letting the Kardashian sisters cheer me up.
I don't like reality-TV really, it's never been my thing. And from what I knew about Kim Kardashian was like, just annoying. Void, and annoying.
But then, I don't even know how or why I started watching Keeping up with the Kardashians, and turns out they're good people. The other girls work hard, and their step-dad is a good man.
The eldest sister, Kourtney, has 2 kids with Scott Disick. Who I think is great. He's gone through some rough rough times, but it's so clear that those two love each other to the Moon and back.

And also, Kourtney, Khloe and Scott doing the rain dance, cause they're bored, is pretty great.

Cheer up Monday.
M.

l'été

And as usual, I miss the summer.
But it's coming.

Slowly, but surely, it will come.
M.

sunbed cheeks

The best compliment I've heard this summer is "you outrageous lady".
What made it the best compliment was the fact that this was from a mature person, an esteemed teacher, about my performance of a Mozart aria.
SO MANY THINGS that don't usually count as outrageous.

But there I was. Outrageous. And a lady.
Love. IT. ALL.

So today I went on a date, with myself.
I am making a bit of a hoo-haa about it, but really - it was just that lovely.

I spend a lot of time out of the house. For some reason I don't get cosy at home, or comfy. Sometimes I do want to spend an entire night in, but this is so so, SO rare.
So I spend a lot of time out. And hence tonigh was triple cool. Because it was one of the best alone nights I've had, in such a long time.
Maybe it was the view from the large windows of the 9th floor, maybe it was the rain outside that was trickling down these large windows in the most cinematic way, ever, maybe it was the city lights, maybe it was the time (around 8pm), maybe it was the coffee, maybe it was what I was wearing, maybe it was the fact that I was warm, maybe it was the cheese on my risotto, or the 2 candles, or what-e-ver.
It just was.
And it was great.

One of those when you sit, and go, okay, this is life, I am here, and this is all good.

This is all good.
M.

(And 1am sunbed-cheeks. Yes, yes, yes,)

going, going, gone

I saw the MOST AMAZING thing yesterday.

I was flying home from Stockholm, and we were already flying across Estonia, when we got to some clouds. They were beautiful, some light, some rainy ones.
I looked down and I saw one of the best things I had ever seen in my life.

The sun must have been directly above the plane, because when I looked down I saw a perfect plane-shaped shadow. But the real amazing thing was - the sun was shining onto a rainy cloud, and therefore the plane shadow was surrounded by a perfectly spherical rainbow. And it moved with us. The shadow, and the spherical rainbow.
Perfect and round. It was just extraordinary.

I made a drawing of it, in Paint. Just to explain it a little better. I mean, it truly was, one of the best things I have ever seen. I think it almost felt like magic. And I felt like I was 5. And that too was a little, tiny tiny tiny little bit like magic.

(oh heavens, i LOVE Paint.)

Estonia looked so powerful.
Flat, stable. Really strong in its flatness, this ongoing strength. Just geographical royalty almost. So balanced. And humble. And so beautiful in all its quiet wisdom.
And you can really see it from above, that the land is still allowed to breath, and feel. Humans have not broken and torn the land, the look of the land.
It still feels something, really on its own accord. And that really was quite something. Just so pure. Seeing that.

Things happening, allowing things to happen. quite on their own.

Autumn's coming. I really looked forward to the last one, but not this one. This one is different. Summer's gone too quick and I'm not ready for the cold. And stuff dying. I would rather not. And I'm not really one of those people who can just enjoy the lovely aesthetic of autumn and the leaves and go "Aww". It is beautiful, but just not it.
Summer's over.

But spring will come soon. As it always does.

A's flat is lovely.
I want to nest.
I really do. So much.

Love, M.