..

the last poem:
Shiva's dance


i keep using the word "last"
the last time
the last second
the last thought
the last lie
the very last
no the very last, really
no the last after last
no the lastest
a barren echo
and all i know is
it has no meaning
it almost mocks me
my impotent declaration
any strength it once held
now drips out like oil
constant
i stop
and all i see is
sometimes "last" will not exist
i read you my last poems
you didn't know i write
and you liked them
and you laughed
listened
it didn't make them better
it created another poem entirely

do you write poems
Shiva


unrelenting fireworks
of the past present future
all changing
and shifting face
replacing my neurons
my truth is not my truth
it stands as a stranger
my truth is just as true as the word "last"


sometimes i actually feel
like I really am Shiva
dancing
annihilation in one eye
and birth
in the other


i mean
nothing has changed.
apart from
everything that once was, is no longer
polarities shaking hands
they seem amused


and this is where the first summer sunrises
find
me
as unravelled
as i am whole


Shiva
how do you still dance
...

ability

It's quite odd.
How my ability to marvel, anything and everything, which I usually hold as my favourite characteristic about myself, just kind of disappears into the cracks in Tallinn.
God knows why.

It's getting REALLY BORING.

Maybe once I get a new flat.
And have a vinyl record player.
And I can play old recordings of Beethoven, and Rachmaninov, and Gershwin.
From that shop.
The shop we went to.
(..good god, I was happy)
Maybe when I have my own kitchen.
Where I can cook all the things I want to cook.
With my music.
And my books on a shelf.
The way I want them.
And my things.
My things in their places, and my order.
My scores, and learning the scores.
Painting, and drawing, and dancing, and laughing or crying.
Just BEING. Like I want to be.
And my cigarette breaks, on the window sill.
With really cold air.
My my my my my my.
Mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine.
Mine.
Just unwatched, unmeasured, unassessed.
Unobserved.
Free to create through just being.

All of the things that I've seen this year:
All of the things that I've felt this year.
This has been quite the year.
I need to take it easy, so so easy.

I suck at seeing the larger context.
I just forget.
I really should keep that in mind.
The larger context.
Of everything.

How much change, and disappointment, and then growth, and Love can a person digest, without any side effects, in less than a year.


I'm a master of painting over and painting over and over, things with things.
Painting over, and deceit.


In other news, however, some hair colour inspiration.

Yours truly.
M.

Saturday

..and it continues.

Saturday was scaffolding day!

The morning started with the last one of my Flower-valley (Lilleoru) lectures. Which was so dense.
And I think that in my head I was already back in Tallinn preparing the gig.
So I took notes but I need to work through all of it.
But the day was absolutely beaut so it was delicious being there.

Then 7 hours of wisdom later mum and I drove back, straight to the church.
Some getting ready time, a quick rehearsal with the pianist, learning some last words.
And then off we went!


I'm so pleased we did this.
And it was so good.
The feedback was so super, like truly super. I was so surprised just how much it had touched people, including my own friends.
And I hadn't done a big project in so long, so in terms of person accomplishment this day was huge, for me.

Also, through this project I found an idea that I want to carry with me and share for a long long time:
That beauty will remain if we share with one another. (Crap translation on my part. "Üksteisega jagades jääb ilus püsima" in Estonian.)
The idea that everything fades, if we don't share. This applies to values, language, culture, ideas, beliefs, memories, stories and heritage. Share. Share with your friends with your families.
Tell them stories, show them photos, but share.
Because I've realised I don't believe in much else than just the beauty of this world, life and planet.
So share.

And then Saturday night brought more circus.

I went out, everywhere, with my backpack.
Saw the girls, sat with some friends, and then at 4AM met the Spanish one for a trip to Privé. Which was circus. Let's just say a whole session of "Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights" ensued and it was just ridiculous ridiculous jokes.

The Saturday night ended on Sunday at 9pm (?!...I rate us highly), in Vapiano, with two bear shaped pizzas.

Complaints?

NONE.
M.

my day

I'm so pleased with myself right now.

With love.
LOLCATS.
M.

blame

Placing blame makes no sense.
But I do.
I blame you.
I swear I'll stop.

But I do, I blame you.
And you, and you.

But the truth is.
The only, and I mean, the only thing I need to realise, is that this is not a competition.
Life.
No, seriously.
This is not a competition.
I'm not competing, nor do I have to prove, anything, at all. Ever.
Old habits die hard, but they too will die.
And disappear.

I want to forever be my own first choice.
And live accordingly.
According to this one very very very simple principle:
I will forever be my own first choice.

I think that is my biggest fear.

1st.
M.

patience

i don't understand how much you should have patience or impatience?
i don't understand anything about that at alllllllllll
whuuuuuuuuuuuuut

This is hilarious!
I found this post draft, written on the 16th of March, so 2 months ago.
And this is just so current, still, so therefore, this is hilarious.

Patience.

But the good news is, I'm learning.
I think I'm really learning.
And there's so so much positive hope in that.

Learn.
M.

space

Back to this question, of space, my own space.
I was thinking about this today, as I was walking home.
Thinking of the way the floor will feel, thinking of having a vinyl player, and playing records of Chopin, or whatever, that I will have bought from this second hand/ vintage shop.
And cups of tea, sat on the floor, in socks.
And drawing, and having more and more courage to dream so big that I could almost faint and feel that I can't fit my dreams in my head and my heart.
And maybe get some of my friends to paint something on the walls.
And just make it my space.

My
space

My
own
space

for
me

Space
just
for
me

With love.
M.

face

I should honestly tattoo this on my face.

Learning.
M.

eat my bassline

Yum-yum, nom-nom.
Just eating this bass beat.
As a snack.

Bass.
M.

Paris

In my head
I am always in Paris

Parisienne.
M.

MUSIC

Oh my JESUS what new FRESH music does to me!
My spleen has been doing an excited dance for a few hours now!
And it's SO NICE.
Hello, spring, hello, doing things, and hello, no fear.

I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones
Enough to make my systems blow
Welcome to the new age, to the new ageI'm Radioactive, Radioactive

Radioactive.
M.

hair

I'm going to dye my hair.
Prontissimo.

Dark.
M.

and window sills

This song just does things.

Home.
M.

stuff

There's a chance that my stuff is arriving soon!
We're talking like a week. This would be such a load off my mind. At the moment it just feels like my poor boxes are hovering somewhere around the other end of Europe. And it's just so not pleasant.

So YAY! I really hope the rest of this runs smooth.

Boxes. 
M.

control

Okay.

Right now I'm going to make a promise to myself.
And it is pretty simple.

I will never ever again let things grow over my head. 

I will stay on top of the little things, the communicating, and talking, to seeing, the telling.
And I will not let myself bury myself under this pile of stuff, that otherwise would be nice and/or exciting.

The wave is the same.
It is up to me to ride it, or get crushed under it.

I will stay on top. 
M.

miss

I will miss my life here so much.
I will miss the people.
I will miss AEM so much it feels like I'm going to crack a rib.

I will miss.

But life is all about choices, and I'm making mine.
M.

sthlm

Reblogging these because they warm my heart.
And because I'm so going to visit STHLM very soon.

The other day, A. mentioned something about her "happy place".
And I decided that one of my very prominent happy places was following A. around the globe. Whether it's eating cheese in Zürich, or sitting on her floor in Basel, or sauna time in HEL, or crashing on her sofa, reciting soft porn and building furniture in STHLM.
Adventures, man. That's my happy place.

Nordic.
M.

let's go Hollywood

So over-flowing with zhuzh.
Curvy.
Lush.
Naughty.
And vivacious.
And healthy.
Well-fed, well-dressed, well-spoken.
Beau-ti-ful.

Screw this, and let's go old-school Hollywood.
M.

my Nordic heart

The second image is entirely for A. 

spooky

When it all gets kinda groovy.
M.