work

Okay, expansion of the same themes.

*Warning: If you are growing tired of my personal what-looks-like-moaning, then please, this post is most probably not for you. Sorry.*

Singing.
For the past years, and this only applies to Estonia, I have starting getting serious work anxiety.
This does not apply to performing - when I'm on stage life is a daisy and I do what I do.
However, the pre-work period is hell.
My language skills of any language are not good enough for explaining to you just how unpleasant this is.
I'm talking constant underlying panic and genuinely just wanting to projectile vomit, mainly.
It's tiring, and idiotic, and I've grown SO TIRED of this crap.

And also, these options do not work: think less. stop worrying about it. let it go. just get over it. cheer up. calm down.
My simple answer to these is - f_ck you. This is not a solution.
Surely, I am intelligent enough to have figured any of these out myself.
Anyone who has ever had similar troubles of Da Mind will understand this well.
And anyone who hasn't, "just cheering up" is not an option.
Sadly.

Anyway.
I've got work stuff coming up, and this is so boring, so I thought I'd write about this.
And maybe I'll feel better and I could actually do my work prep without wanting to cry and die with a heart rate of 3000.

The thing is, I don't give myself credit for what I do.
And instead of understanding that people what to get in touch with me because they like me and like what I do, I feel like. Like.
Like it's a negative thing.
Instead of "YAYYY look at these amazing work e-mails and calls AWESOME, I am good at what I do YAY work YAY passion HELLO happy hormones!" my brain has SOMEHOW (!!!??) opted for the option of "NOOOOOOOOO why WHY! i'm going to die, they hate me, everyone, AGAIN these emails and things, i can't pick up the phone i can't i can't, i want to hide away in a hole so no one can see me".
...
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what...
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Truly, it bends my mind.
I am a clever girl, and this only emphasises the stark understanding of just how ridiculous all this is.


Hello, dear Brain.

I am a big fan of your work.
However.
Could we somehow solve this issue and could you somehow give my central nervous system the Happy command upon receiving contact from interesting, inspiring people who want to give me work because I am excellent at what I do and doing it gives me great joy.
Lay off the Panic button.
You might be drunk.
(If this is the case, go sleep it off, and resume duty.)

Yours truly.
The person for whom you should be working for.
THANXXXX.



I have got SO many excellent and super cool things coming up Jeeesuuussss and I am dying under the weight of my..(what?)..panic? fear of?
Blah blah.
Get over it, something.
I want to feel like a rainbow, not a pit of snake poison acid thunder blizzard hole.

This is my mission.
Or those of you who watch the New Hannibal: "This is my design".
(I LOVE this show.)
Or it WILL be my design once I kick this asshole out of my life.
This is what is preventing me from being Italian.
Italian's don't deal with this bullshit.
They enjoy, life and love and music, and wine and BEING.
La vita Italiana.


Seriously.

Well.
I feel much better.
I need to get all cognitive-behavioral-therapy on my own ass.
I am yet to figure out the exact actions, but I understand that this is how I'll kick it.

Yours truly.

Absolutely always.

M.

hole

I really need to drill a hole into my head so all this negativity and stuff can come out.

Seriously.
I'm so tired and so fed up with fighting this, this pressure, but I don't know how to release it, for good.
Just the same themes keep swimming up, and I feel like I'm drowning under them.
And every time this feeling gets stronger.
Hardly riding the wave.

I'm sad, and scared and unsure.
It feels like I've lost, at something, already.
It is like the score is 1-0 to someone else.
Best I can do to describe the feeling.
And then people go, oh but singing comes so easy to you.

I wish I didn't see the mountain I have to climb, but I do.
I'm ignoring starting the climb (..this might actually have a HUGE part in my current state of .....this), but I can see it in the background, constantly.
It's like the Alps.
Once you're there you cannot overlook the fact that they are THERE.

And meanwhile I'm crumbling, and crumbling.


Happy Friday.
I have love for all of you.
I hope you are doing what needs to be done, before it starts weighing heavy.

I hate making myself sad.


Yours truly.M.



And you know what.
Nothing external can cure these rips and tears in the system.
No love can work as glue, no gentle care and affection can melt it back together.
This is only a process for the Self and the Love from this Self.

giving thanks

TONIGHT I feel I must say thanks.

But I feel that tonight I give thanks to myself!

I'm grateful for my courage.

Tonight, I am so grateful to myself, for my strength to sometimes do that which seems terrifying but what I feel and know to be right, and necessary.
Tonight, I give thanks for following my own truth(!!!), my heart and soul, and expressing it.
Tonight, I give thanks for how far I've come!

Tonight I am grateful, I really am.

This morning I felt so stuck and then there was an answer - I saw how I've grown, how I've developed.

How my heart has broken, yes, but broken to get open, break to learn how to Love, how my heart has grown, and how I can hear what my soul says.

And how I have the ovaries to act accordingly.

Amazing.

The Lady at the fasting retreat said with a positive shudder that "something is moving, or happening" in terms of my life.

Where there was none this morning, there is now a speckkkk of true excitement.

And I'm going to help it grow, as best as I can..

This feeling is amazing.

Acting in accordance to Me, my truth.

So my soul is unchained and feels free.

Thanks.

Thanks to you, for reading.

Thanks to the knots that get untied.

And thanks to the Universe.

Find the Sun, face the Sun.

Love, ALWAYS.

M.

1/04

Okay, so I'm trying this new thing.

And I present:
Working from home.



Basically, I have never been able to do this.
Home has never been a place for me where I can just calmly work (calm in terms of my inner feeling).
It's bizarre.
Working at home has made me so, jumpy is the word that comes to mind, and irritable.
And I'm really trying to change this pattern since town feels so loud.

I met the girls for lunch yesterday and stayed in the centre for about 5 hours.
(For comparison, I used to live in town, work in town, eat in town, town town town.)
So yesterday, I suddenly felt that it was too loud, too colourful, too busy, and TOO MUCH.
I came home and I realised how tired I felt, compared to how at peace I was at the fasting retreat.
This peace, birdsong, FRESH AIR, space to walk and move, grass and trees.
The things that make the world our world.
I felt like I had sat in a circus tent for hours - all this colour and movement.

So, back to my issue.
I wanna work.
If town is too loud, a simple deduction doesn't leave many options - home it is.

So I'm really gonna try this and untie this know that I have.

Work at home, since I can, and why not for now, you know? Just to come out of the post-fasting feeling of "too much".

So yep.
Home for now.
And so far, I'm sucking at working.


BUT.
This week following the fast is ALL ABOUT PATIENCE!!
This is realised yesterday.
The fasting itself takes so much patience, and now I'm back to the city-version of myself, the impatient, short-tempered one, who walks a little too fast, thinks a little too erratically.
So, coming out of fasting is the same - patience.
I want to live like that - patient.
I want to see myself like that - be patient.

That's all, happy Tuesday morning.
Peace out, all.

Love, always.
M.

8/03

Hello, guys.

I didn't find my jumper today, and I got so annoyed.

Like, angry.

Part of this magic is that the flat is still up on the real estate website, and we're waiting for the buyer. 

So I still don't have proper storage space for my clothes. 

And today I got so inhumanly annoyed, and I really didn't enjoy it.

So.

Big clothes clear out coming up. 

I realized rummaging through everything today, looking for my jumper, that I don't like half of what I have and another 25% just either is too big too small or too something.

An easy deduction and voila - I actually want to keep a quarter of everything.

And this is just clothes.

Too much STUFF clouding my space.

Even if I don't have it in my immediate surroundings, it's still there.

The energy of too.many.things.

I once told my dad that I'll want space and order to surround me once I feel ordered on the inside.

And I guess we're here then..

Just this unstructured mess and disorder annoyed me so so much.

I never gave a crap about anything like that.

So yay! 

P for Progress.

With love.

M.

flux

Everything is in flux.

I'm learning lyrics.
For tomorrow's concert.
And trying to visualise things I'd want.
To do.
Work things, and things.
What I would want.

It's so hard tuning out other voices.
Other people and what they do.
Just to focus on me and not copy anyone else, ever.

Surprisingly hard.

And here's this photo I found.
They never used it for this article we made, but it was up online anyway.
And it's SO LIKE ME.


So like me.

Tuning out.
I guess this is where meditation comes into play as well.
The art of tuning out.

The art of being You.
The art of being Me.
The art of being Ourselves, because we have no other options, to be honest.

The art of being Me.

Love to you all.
As always.
M.

the end

Hello, darlings.

Gosh I've been so ..away, somewhere.

Behind some faraway planet.

Some other sphere.

End of the year is drawing near so quickly. 

Basically 56 hours left, to plant a full stop, nice and steady, to complete this thought, and start the new one.

Next year, next sentence.

This New Years will be like that.

I will still wear glitter and sequins and pop something sparkling, but all this club stuff can go do one.

I'm so over it, it's not even funny.

All it does is confuse the energy and mess up your balance.

And the one thing I don't want to happen is my bubble to burst.

There's this wise man here that everyone knows, Igor Mang, and every year he writes a planetary prediction of the upcoming year.

And they are just humorous, literally, how accurate some of it is.

Like details.

Of international and national events.

So I just read parts of his prediction for 2014 which apparently will bring a widespread need for self-fulfillment and the need to "be" someone.

Really make something of yourself, follow your way.

And I mean, it's only appropriate to quote Britney here:

"So get to work, bitch."

I can really feel it, this super mega ennui at not doing enough, but not for someone else, not my family or the omnipresent society and its ideas of right and wrong, but really for myself.

I can see how much time I waste, all the time.

And it was truly necessary this year but not anymore.

This year of the Snake was my year, since I was born as one.

A year of coming home, physically, geographically and mentally-spiritually.

24 and the Snake and the end of some cyclical movements.

But now the next phase is coming and if I don't want to get caught under the stampede of my own will and power, I better act accordingly.

Restricting yourself like that is the dumbest thing, ever.

And I do some dumb sh*t, ask my friends.

But that's actually the most dumbest-est.

So no more.

So here I am, 29th of December, 2013.

A year, 3 months and 19 days after I wrote my first 6-month plan, simply because I was so lost.

Feels like an actual life-time.

Anyone who says you cannot change your character and Fate and all that, right - sorry, not sorry, but I absolutely disagree.

To the thousandth degree.

All you need is a wish, a want to change something and the rest is all a blank page.

Do, change, want, develop, see, listen, grow, shift, morph, concrete to water.

Do

What

You

Want

The only prerequisite is a wish.

A wish for change and a wish for Something Else.

Well well well, what a year this has been.

I think I'll write a little something of this year tomorrow and 31st as well.

But this will do for now.

If I could give you something, I'd give you and myself the Courage to do the thing we see and sense as the right thing.

For us, ourselves, and only ourselves.

After all -

Make sure you can swim first, then go save humanity.

As always, love to alllllll of you.

Yours truly.

M.

Saturday

..and it continues.

Saturday was scaffolding day!

The morning started with the last one of my Flower-valley (Lilleoru) lectures. Which was so dense.
And I think that in my head I was already back in Tallinn preparing the gig.
So I took notes but I need to work through all of it.
But the day was absolutely beaut so it was delicious being there.

Then 7 hours of wisdom later mum and I drove back, straight to the church.
Some getting ready time, a quick rehearsal with the pianist, learning some last words.
And then off we went!


I'm so pleased we did this.
And it was so good.
The feedback was so super, like truly super. I was so surprised just how much it had touched people, including my own friends.
And I hadn't done a big project in so long, so in terms of person accomplishment this day was huge, for me.

Also, through this project I found an idea that I want to carry with me and share for a long long time:
That beauty will remain if we share with one another. (Crap translation on my part. "Üksteisega jagades jääb ilus püsima" in Estonian.)
The idea that everything fades, if we don't share. This applies to values, language, culture, ideas, beliefs, memories, stories and heritage. Share. Share with your friends with your families.
Tell them stories, show them photos, but share.
Because I've realised I don't believe in much else than just the beauty of this world, life and planet.
So share.

And then Saturday night brought more circus.

I went out, everywhere, with my backpack.
Saw the girls, sat with some friends, and then at 4AM met the Spanish one for a trip to Privé. Which was circus. Let's just say a whole session of "Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights" ensued and it was just ridiculous ridiculous jokes.

The Saturday night ended on Sunday at 9pm (?!...I rate us highly), in Vapiano, with two bear shaped pizzas.

Complaints?

NONE.
M.

family

I want a family.

Not like right now, this second, you know.
But I do.

I want a family and this family to have a family home.
A family home.

This is what I want.
Truly, truly, truly want.

And what I want to (and can) give.


Things change, and people change, and I'm really trying to have the balls to just trust this change and go with this.
Which eventually comes surprisingly easy.
Once you let go of "I expected" or "I thought.." or "I am used to", or "No, no, I'm not like that", and all the other crap we "think", and "presume".

What a feeling, y'know.


First there's a slow growing dream.
That your fear seems to hide deep inside your mind.
M.


And this song.

spring

And so spring continues, with ever-growing steps.
I don't really understand that June is 2 weeks away.
When
and
how
did
this
happen

It was cold, cold, cold, cold, cold, and now it's two weeks till June.
And I really need to kick this real estate thing into gear.

And these flowers below are amazing.y

Spring, time for doing things.
M.

don't die at 25

“Most people die at 25 and aren’t buried until they’re 75”

—	Benjamin Franklin

This quote, is so true.
This happens (and happens visibly) so much.
You notice people around you, not growing anymore.
And this is me deciding, I won't do that.
I refuse to be safe, or choose safe.
I refuse to die this young.
This period of time is for choosing brave and showing some frikkin' courage.
I want to keep the trust of a child, for a long long time.
And the courage to go head first.
And to keep looking, for the thing that makes me happiest, in this world.
And believe that true love exists.
And fall in love with everything, all the time, every day, with no questions asked and no boundaries.
And eat ice-cream.
And run around.
Because when did having fun stop being a normality.

I won't die at 25.
I won't die at 35, or 45, or anything-5.

I will carry on developing, and seeing, and seeking.
And marveling.
And wondering and wandering.
And seeing magic everywhere.
Because otherwise there is no point.

With all the love I hold.
M.

alone

Over the past few years, I've started doing things by myself.
I guess I've always been cool with playing on my own, but I've started doing it consciously.

I told A. last autumn that I'm scared of being alone and all this crap.
And I think that because of this I've started doing more and more things by myself.
The little things.

Like, Saturday evening I went to see this awesome theatre company, their piece called "Rave", and it was awesome.
And I think it was even more awesome because I was there on my own.
It's just liberating, you know.
You no longer look at yourself through the aspect and lense of your friends, and all that's familiar, but I felt quite free to just Be.

Obviously, there are so many things that need to be shared and should be shared.
Eating for example is one of the things that is only magnified if shared.
Share a meal and it transforms from just putting fuel into your body to a ritual, of people sharing nothing short of love.

But yes.
Doing things on my own.
It just offers up surprising things and new people and twists and turns.
Sometimes it's scary, but it's so worth it.

Expand and explore.
M.

2012

About time for a recap.
I've been putting this off for a while, but here goes.

A good work year. When I'm doing the projects and concerts I never consider that I'm working necessarily. I enjoy it so much, and in that sense I'm hugely privileged to have a "job" like that. That I get to sing. But then in retrospective I always call it working.
So here goes. A good work year. January kicked off with a double portion of Opera Holloway. Händel and "Samson" first, and then Massenet and "Cinderella" second. Then there was the April tour which was such an awesome, ambitious project. It was my baby. I had never conceived a concert tour idea on my own, beginning to end. So it meant a lot. Then in February I found Sue, and started working with her. Then in July I had the insane summer tour, 22 concerts, in 25 days. Which was the most amazing learning opportunity. It helped me grow in the right direction so so much, and I'm so grateful for it. Then August was for Abingdon, September had the birthday celebration concert of a renowned pianist, in Talllinn. And December, again tour time.
2012 was amazing for travels. Apart from the bi-country lifestyle, I went to Switzerland in May to see A. Then there was August and Hrvatska, via Finland. And then 2 mini-trips to Stockholm, for some Scandinavian chaos and mayhem.
2012 was a good year for friends. I gained some new ones that I'm really grateful for. And saw some old ones I hadn't for a while.

2012 was a great great year for me. Just on some new found personal level, 2012 was good for me. I feel like I started thinking, actually thinking about what I was doing, and that I took responsibility for my decisions. For once, I didn't just carry on going, and I didn't think of what someone else expected of me. I took my chances and grew from my setbacks.
I think in a few decades I'll look back on this year just gone and really understand just how significant it was. I feel better than I used to, more at peace, more balanced and more grounded.
And I feel like I'm really starting to enjoy being me.
2012 also marked the beginning of my transition towards a healthier life, physically, mentally, emotionally - in every possible way. I've worked through some of my crap and I feel like I'm truly finally moving in the right direction.
It's also the year when I realised I can stop justifying. If I'm happy with what I'm doing, or what I look like, or what I'm doing with my days, then so be it. And that is all the justifying I will ever need to do.

I'm grateful for a good year and for having the amazing people in my life, my lovely lovely friends, my family and my cat, of course. Thank you for being there for me through the more or less interesting times. Thank you for having good advice and being the best motivation/inspiration. Thank you for pushing me when I'm stuck, or guiding me when I'm lost.
Thank you for a great year.
And let's make this one even better.

Here's to tuning in.
Bye-bye, 2012.
M.

time

I have time.
Okay, yes, it's constantly reducing, but still, I have time.

I have time.
To live a life that I've chosen for myself.
To do the things I want to do.
To decide
To change
To learn
To grow
To laugh
And dance
And travel
And adventure
To see
To hear
To taste
To touch

And I can only do this for myself.
I cannot convince anyone else of anything, unless they want to do it or want to be convinced.
February is for making sure I do the best I can with me, and leave others to do their own growing, and whatever.
And there's plenty I want to do with me. Things to decide and find out and explore and, just so much.

I have time.
Use it well.

Here's to time.
M.

(I think I dreamt something weird.)

a chance

WE MUST GIVE IT A CHANCE
Fate, must be granted, a chance.
A risk. A gamble.

Just a chance. Nothing more.
So it's not nulled by default.
Just a chance.

GIVE IT, A CHANCE,
to become something.
to grow into something.
before saying, no, or too hard,
or too out there, or too
WHATEVER.
just a chance

or i'm not worth it. or it's too good to be true.
it doesn't have to be hard,
it doesn't have to be difficult.
sometimes things just are. but if dismissed,
they will never amount to anything.
unless given a shot to grow
maybe it will.
maybe it won't.
the fuck knows.
but as long as i've done a little,
just a little to see what's going to happen,
i can at least know that it wasn't my loss
it isn't my regret
cause i didn't slam the door,
i didn't forget to thank them,
i didn't look away,
i didn't not smile

what if it doesn't?
Oh, but what if it does.