unity

This is the thing.


Self-unity.
I used to be good at being on my own.
As a child I really loved doing allsorts on my own.
I liked drawing so much.
And I loved writing.
Music, dancing.
I loved doing so much.

And I celebrated what I was.
I celebrated being me.
Not consciously, or I wouldn't have called it that, of course.
Children have this innate way, they just feel joy, at moving and doing.
What is celebration?
It's a sense of two things for me: joy and pride.

And this is the thing.
It's not that I'm not on my own lately - I am, and quite a lot, but there is a huge difference between just spending time on your own and excelling at the Self relationship.
You know, what it feels like to be you.

We need to celebrate our being.
That's what I lack.
I have awareness of what I am or am not, this is solid and detailed knowledge.
But pride or joy?
There is no shadow of celebrating being me.
And I believe this is the single true driving force of those people who really expand, themselves, their life, walk their path, being true to their soul.
Joy!!
Where the crap is my joy in being me?
Therefore there is also no celebration, goddammit.

And that's why some of the truest wonderfulness in my life turns into a chore.
Tasks and unpleasantness and deadlines that don't excite me, etc.
The question is not the tasks themselves, it's all about how I see myself.


Also, currently there's thunder and lighting outside.
This helps EVERYTHING.


And so.
My point is.
Celebrate!
Celebrate you.
You don't need to have a party or the weekend or a birthday or whatever, just have Joy is Yourself, and Pride in what you do.
If you don't feel Joy, look into it - what is keeping you from this?
If you are not Proud of what you do, look into it - there is always something you can do to help yourself. Have courage and change what you need.

Then add these two together and CELEBRATE, you spirit!
Everything else is a waste of time.
And once again - always go inwards.

Rain is BEATING down.
If I wouldn't understand physics, I would think my roof is actually going to come down.
Cool!

Yours truly.
M.

birthday 1/2

I started this post exactly a year ago when we celebrated my 24th birthday.
And I promised then to upload some photos of the celebrations, which I never did.

And since it's now been a year I feel it is entirely fitting to complete this.


So.
Happy birthday, to me, for last year!

Question.
What was I celebrating?
What does anyone ever celebrate?

I think I was celebrating Home.
Coming home, having done it, having lifted some part of something.
Some ..inescapable situation, or feeling.
I was celebrating, a victory of somekind.
And it was really worth celebrating.

This idea of celebrations is heavily on my mind since I simply cannot understand why I'm so not there with this one this year.
It's bizarre.
I've always been a huge huge huge fan of birthdays.
And now all of a sudden.

But I think I just really do feel in the middle of some processes, and it would be silly to claim any victories.
I'll claim them next year - and Jesus, will I have victories then.

 (PS. I don't want this to sound critical, as if I need to cut myself some slack. I am fully aware I've come so far, and some of the things are amazing already. Just when you have the steam, don't stop to admire the view. Use the steam. Heaven knows we don't always have it.)

Love to all of you.
M.

Iggy

I absolutely love this video, and the beat.
And Iggy in general.

I know some people have had an issue with her wearing a Sari and whatever, but I think she uses the Indian atmosphere really respectfully, letting it shine.
This joyous, party atmosphere.
Of just dance, dance.
It really is like a Bollywood party scene, the ones that come at the end of a movie, where the boy and the girl make up, or something is solved, or you know, along these lines.

And trust me - I come at this having watched a fair share of Bollywood in my life.

BOUNCE.
M.

my visuals

So far, so good.
These are just a few photos from the past few days.

Sunday was the Estonian Independence Day so a big national celebration here. And so me, and dad+Mrs went to see the flag raised at sunrise (7:33am) and then because I am just so full of good ideas we ended up going for breakfast at like, just before 8am. Pancakes, juice and coffee. And had some really lovely chats.

And then today, because it was sunny, I wore sunglasses (E. reminded me of this option. And that suited me juuuuuuuuuuuuuust fine.)

(And there's two more pictures from Sunday. One is this fit chocolate cake I made, that had our "Tall Hermann" tower on it. So proud of my artistic flare, a la mothertrucking icing sugar. And I loved mum's table setting colours so papped that too.)

Visuals. 
M.

tulips

Every year for the past 6 I've have made sure there are tulips around on my birthday. At first I always use to buy some myself and then my friends started doing it.
And I can't remember whether there are any tulips about in Tallinn in the beginning of March.
Hmmmm...

Weird.
M.

jaanipäev

Jaanipäev.

One of my most most most most beloved nights of the year. I don't even know why really. It must be partly the memories, even though, come to think of it, my festivities have never been too extravagant. So maybe it is something that it does to me, or makes me feel. There's something very satisfying about a tradition that entails fires, everywhere, on one of the longest days of the year. It is saying, declaring we made it through the winter. Saying the very same thing our ancestors said hundreds and hundreds of years ago. Celebrating the summer, and light, and life. And fire. The fire without which we would not be much.
Estonians, I think, understand where they stand in terms of the nature around them pretty well. Not much of this arrogance that there's plenty of elsewhere. So that's why this one night feels special, a celebration of us, the people, living, on these very lands, that give it to us quite rough sometimes. But this one night, even if it rains like the heavens have opened, is worth celebrating.

(This is such a pile of sentimental goo, but that is exactly how it makes me feel. And i love it.)

We made it through the winter. We made it through the dark and cold. Once more. One more year, one more.
Head jaanipäeva.
M.