hole

I really need to drill a hole into my head so all this negativity and stuff can come out.

Seriously.
I'm so tired and so fed up with fighting this, this pressure, but I don't know how to release it, for good.
Just the same themes keep swimming up, and I feel like I'm drowning under them.
And every time this feeling gets stronger.
Hardly riding the wave.

I'm sad, and scared and unsure.
It feels like I've lost, at something, already.
It is like the score is 1-0 to someone else.
Best I can do to describe the feeling.
And then people go, oh but singing comes so easy to you.

I wish I didn't see the mountain I have to climb, but I do.
I'm ignoring starting the climb (..this might actually have a HUGE part in my current state of .....this), but I can see it in the background, constantly.
It's like the Alps.
Once you're there you cannot overlook the fact that they are THERE.

And meanwhile I'm crumbling, and crumbling.


Happy Friday.
I have love for all of you.
I hope you are doing what needs to be done, before it starts weighing heavy.

I hate making myself sad.


Yours truly.M.



And you know what.
Nothing external can cure these rips and tears in the system.
No love can work as glue, no gentle care and affection can melt it back together.
This is only a process for the Self and the Love from this Self.

1/04

Okay, so I'm trying this new thing.

And I present:
Working from home.



Basically, I have never been able to do this.
Home has never been a place for me where I can just calmly work (calm in terms of my inner feeling).
It's bizarre.
Working at home has made me so, jumpy is the word that comes to mind, and irritable.
And I'm really trying to change this pattern since town feels so loud.

I met the girls for lunch yesterday and stayed in the centre for about 5 hours.
(For comparison, I used to live in town, work in town, eat in town, town town town.)
So yesterday, I suddenly felt that it was too loud, too colourful, too busy, and TOO MUCH.
I came home and I realised how tired I felt, compared to how at peace I was at the fasting retreat.
This peace, birdsong, FRESH AIR, space to walk and move, grass and trees.
The things that make the world our world.
I felt like I had sat in a circus tent for hours - all this colour and movement.

So, back to my issue.
I wanna work.
If town is too loud, a simple deduction doesn't leave many options - home it is.

So I'm really gonna try this and untie this know that I have.

Work at home, since I can, and why not for now, you know? Just to come out of the post-fasting feeling of "too much".

So yep.
Home for now.
And so far, I'm sucking at working.


BUT.
This week following the fast is ALL ABOUT PATIENCE!!
This is realised yesterday.
The fasting itself takes so much patience, and now I'm back to the city-version of myself, the impatient, short-tempered one, who walks a little too fast, thinks a little too erratically.
So, coming out of fasting is the same - patience.
I want to live like that - patient.
I want to see myself like that - be patient.

That's all, happy Tuesday morning.
Peace out, all.

Love, always.
M.

me-platform

I follow this Estonian woman.
She writes about energies and such, but even if that kind of stuff is not your cup of tea her wisdom is so on point.

This week she was talking about something called the "ME-platform".

And she coins this as the core of this week.
This is funny because here I am, sat at home, and once again my relationship with the work things is so bad.
I'm so tired of talking about this!!
I bet you're tired of reading about it, AGAIN.
But hey, if it's a problem and it's not going away, I simply must discuss it.


So.
She was basically saying that this idea of the "ME-platform" is just You being You.
But standing on this thought, on that strength of being Yourself, like on a platform literally.
The steadiness.
The stability.
Using yourself as an infinite source for strength and inspiration.

She names Fear as the number1 thing that prevents people from wanting to find, and finding, and then being on their "ME-platform".
Fear of someone not understanding, not accepting, and you know, so forth.
She emphasises that in order for us to build a steady "US-platform" on which this world should stand, we need to have a very steady "ME-platform" and I feel this is something I really, really lack.

And this is so different from self-confidence.
Self-confidence is something you have, but this ME-platform is like, taking the self-confidence you feel, sticking it in some fertile soil, letting it take up roots, grow into a tree.
It's seedling vs. the tree.

So, what exactly am I doing in my life to further this steady, strong and amazing "ME-platform"?
What are the things I should do?
The choices and ideas and actions?
What do I need to change?

God, these are good questions.



She advises to take this week very slow - which I intend to do 112003030404000%.
Many percent.
To do one thing at a time.
Solve one question at a time.
Untie one knot, then another.
The bottomline is to create a stage where I don't want to live under a solitary rock, but rather a very steady ME-platform, where I sing, and share, and RECEIVE what's offered to me.
Where I get to do my art, and share it with people.

There isn't anything fun under a rock.



http://crystalralaksmi.com/eesti/blogi/



Love, always.M.

новый

NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW

This is the one pull that I feel most.
The call of New-ness.

nuovo
ny
neu
nouveau
UUS


I hear it all the time.

I get bored so easily.
And how ridiculous is it then to try and mimic someone's ideas.
Someone else's life.
Surely this just makes more boredom.

Always.
Always, just more boredom.
More boredom.
For life.

And this is not what I want.

Maybe that's why I like New Year's so much.
The idea of a NEW year.


Not to give any f*cks, but hear what I hear.
See what I see.
Do what I do.
Follow what I follow.


Here's the thunder.
With love.
M.


I'm thinking of a new photoshoot.

flame

Everything for the creative flame.

This is what my attitude should be.

This does not in itself warrant much.

It just means that I need to follow the path of my passion.

Or rather of the many many passions I have in this life.

I often look at these portraits of artists, photos right, and I think, they look so alive in being themselves.

That's the main vessel and weapon and mother and child of any creator.

The Self.

It's the deepest rabbit hole.

The smoothest sea and highest wave.

Not to follow every crumb of this would be idiotic.

Let's not do that, shall we.

Creator, mother, giver, taker, do-er, planner, executor, savior.

Now run.

M.

giving life

I'm working through my old drafts.
And this one I wrote in May.

I guess there was always gonna come a time for these thoughts.

I've always lived a very career-driven life.
If life would've been a little different somehow, family would've been the thing to drive me.
It was just such an unexpected feeling.

**
..And it was good for me to finally say it out loud, that I want a family, I want children and that I want to be a mother.

And then one of my Ones got pregnant, which literally shifted so many things.

So.
All I'm saying is, I think giving life is a wonderful thing.
A wonderful potential spinning at the very core of all things.
A wonderful space, a potent void for SOMETHING, you know.
Something where there was nothing.
So therefore we can never really run out of hope, I think.

Magic.
That is actual magic.

(I'm just going to carry on browsing my old post drafts.)

Be kind.
With love.M.

An illustration from a book of songs.

first

First morning, and first evening.

Let this year unravel.

Exactly two months till I turn 25.

And I have every intention of taking this by the balls.

Let this year bring Light.

Imma sleep now, last night was madness, today was Joy and now I'm just calm.

Good night, darlings.

Yours truly.

01.01.2014

M.

poetry

"Ma ootasin Sind sellel külmal päeval. 
Ma tean, et Sa ei teadnud. Nüüd siis tea: 
Ma ootasin Sind. Sellel külmal päeval. 
Ei, vabandama tõesti Sa ei pea.

Kõik otsustati väljaspool meid endid.
Ma ootasin, sest mina tahtsin nii.
Kõik otsustati. Väljaspool meid endid.
Ma teadsin, Sa ei tule nagunii.

Ei, ära ütle, et Sa oleks tulnud,
kui oleksid vaid teadnud, võinud vaid.
Ei, ära ütle, et Sa oleks tulnud.
Ma vihkan valesid. Ka ilusaid."

Doris Kareva.


This poem has my heart.

Yours truly.
M.

doing

Seriously, this.

In order to BE, you must DO.
I must do.

Doing is the key.

Ideas are "it". You need to have them.
But then?
Ideas themselves are not the thing.
They need the meat. Give your ideas the meat.
The "doing".

Yours truly.
Back in the business.
M.

Saturday

..and it continues.

Saturday was scaffolding day!

The morning started with the last one of my Flower-valley (Lilleoru) lectures. Which was so dense.
And I think that in my head I was already back in Tallinn preparing the gig.
So I took notes but I need to work through all of it.
But the day was absolutely beaut so it was delicious being there.

Then 7 hours of wisdom later mum and I drove back, straight to the church.
Some getting ready time, a quick rehearsal with the pianist, learning some last words.
And then off we went!


I'm so pleased we did this.
And it was so good.
The feedback was so super, like truly super. I was so surprised just how much it had touched people, including my own friends.
And I hadn't done a big project in so long, so in terms of person accomplishment this day was huge, for me.

Also, through this project I found an idea that I want to carry with me and share for a long long time:
That beauty will remain if we share with one another. (Crap translation on my part. "Üksteisega jagades jääb ilus püsima" in Estonian.)
The idea that everything fades, if we don't share. This applies to values, language, culture, ideas, beliefs, memories, stories and heritage. Share. Share with your friends with your families.
Tell them stories, show them photos, but share.
Because I've realised I don't believe in much else than just the beauty of this world, life and planet.
So share.

And then Saturday night brought more circus.

I went out, everywhere, with my backpack.
Saw the girls, sat with some friends, and then at 4AM met the Spanish one for a trip to Privé. Which was circus. Let's just say a whole session of "Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights" ensued and it was just ridiculous ridiculous jokes.

The Saturday night ended on Sunday at 9pm (?!...I rate us highly), in Vapiano, with two bear shaped pizzas.

Complaints?

NONE.
M.

aujourd'hui

Today will consist of or has consisted of:
7AM wake-up
Writing a to-do list
Going to the library/getting music
Radio interview
Rehearsal
Figuring out what I'm singing
TV-people filming at the scaff? (actually scaffolding in the church)
Drawing a plan of who is standing where on the scaff/sending it to the sound designer


Actually, now that I've written it out like this, it doesn't sound that bad!
Woo! This was a good shout!

Peace.
M.

Let's bitch on this day.
PS, that's still a lollipop.

need

"What do I need?"

Aaaaannnndddd we're back to that one.

My favourite question of all, the lack of which I realised last year?
That this wasn't in my vocabulary.

What do I want - oh, yes.
What do I crave - absolutely.
Or another favourite, what do other people need from me? Or need me to be?
Great.

But what do I need?
Apparently not.

So the age of What Does Maria Need is about to start.
I mean I swear I'll plaster this on my face or something.

What do you NEED.
M.


This was taken around 6.20AM, last Sunday morning, as I was walking home from this new place in Tallinn called Moment.
That night was circus.
That night was what I needed.

gracefully

“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you."

HOW GRACEFULLY
YOU LET GO OF THINGS
NOT MEANT FOR YOU

Let's, PLEASE, just let this sink in. Please.
Because all truth and happiness is in that.

How gracefully you let go of things not. meant. for. you.

Measuring, and hearing, and understanding what is meant for us and what isn't and listening to our intuition.
Because your intuition is always right, always.
Your intuition already knows everything.

So let's just remember this, right.
Let go of things not meant for you.

And so. Every day start again.
Because nothing matters apart from what you do today and how you live today.

What we do today, matters most.
M.

morning

I think every day would start just that little bit better (apart from Sunday mornings, which are just another thing entirely), with a mug like this.
Also, not every morning. But just those mornings when you need the world (or your mug) to tell you to get off your ass and do stuff.

Get shit done.
M.

before

Usually I don't like these lists, but this one is quite fun.
And quite a lot of this is true.
Really is.
Really, really is.

Before.
M.

25 Things To Do Before You Turn 25

1. Make peace with your parents. Whether you finally recognize that they actually have your best interests in mind or you forgive them for being flawed human beings, you can’t happily enter adulthood with that familial brand of resentment.

2. Kiss someone you think is out of your league; kiss models and med students and entrepreneurs with part-time lives in Dubai and don’t worry about if they’re going to call you afterward.

3. Minimize your passivity.

4. Work a service job to gain some understanding of how tipping works, how to keep your cool around assholes, how a few kind words can change someone’s day.

5. Recognize freedom as a 5:30 a.m. trip to the diner with a bunch of strangers you’ve just met.

6. Try not to beat yourself up over having obtained a ‘useless’ Bachelor’s Degree. Debt is hell, and things didn’t pan out quite like you expected, but you did get to go to college, and having a degree isn’t the worst thing in the world to have. We will figure this mess out, I think, probably; the point is you’re not worth less just because there hasn’t been an immediate pay off for going to school. Be patient, work with what you have, and remember that a lot of us are in this together.

7. If you’re employed in any capacity, open a savings account. You never know when you might be unemployed or in desperate need of getting away for a few days. Even $10 a week is $520 more a year than you would’ve had otherwise.

8. Make a habit of going outside, enjoying the light, relearning your friends, forgetting the internet.

9. Go on a 4-day, brunch-fueled bender.

10. Start a relationship with your crush by telling them that you want them. Directly. Like, look them in the face and say it to them. Say, I want you. I want to be with you.

11. Learn to say ‘no’ — to yourself. Don’t keep wearing high heels if you hate them; don’t keep smoking if you’re disgusted by the way you smell the morning after; stop wasting entire days on your couch if you’re going to complain about missing the sun.

12. Take time to revisit the places that made you who you are: the apartment you grew up in, your middle school, your hometown. These places may or may not be here forever; you definitely won’t be.

13. Find a hobby that makes being alone feel lovely and empowering and like something to look forward to.

14. Think you know yourself until you meet someone better than you.

15. Forget who you are, what your priorities are, and how a person should be.

16. Identify your fears and instead of letting them dictate your every move, find and talk to people who have overcome them. Don’t settle for experiencing .000002% of what the world has to offer because you’re afraid of getting on a plane.

17. Make a habit of cleaning up and letting go. Just because it fit at one point doesn’t mean you need to keep it forever — whether ‘it’ is your favorite pair of pants or your ex.

18. Stop hating yourself.

19. Go out and watch that movie, read that book, listen to that band you already lied about watching, reading, listening to.

20. Take advantage of health insurance while you have it.

21. Make a habit of telling people how you feel, whether it means writing a gushing fan-girl email to someone whose work you love or telling your boss why you deserve a raise.

22. Date someone who says, “I love you” first.

23. Leave the country under the premise of “finding yourself.” This will be unsuccessful. Places do not change people. Instead, do a lot of solo drinking, read a lot of books, have sex in dirty hostels, and come home when you start to miss it.

24. Suck it up and buy a Macbook Pro.

25. Quit that job that’s making you miserable, end the relationship that makes you act like a lunatic, lose the friend whose sole purpose in life is making you feel like you’re perpetually on the verge of vomiting. You’re young, you’re resilient, there are other jobs and relationships and friends if you’re patient and open.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/25-things-to-do-before-you-turn-25/

gap

Whenever there's a gap in my blogging I can tell (and probably so can you) that it's a tricky patch.
But my tricky patches used to last months, now it's a few days - YAY!
I award myself a point.

But the main thing is that I'm moving, and things are moving.
And as opposed to digging myself into a deeper hole (which we all love doing), I'm getting myself out of it.
With the help of some trusty trusty, trusty friends.
Shout-outs from the heart go out to:
(in alphabetical order)
A.
E.

the Pretty one.
And last, but so not absolutely no-frikkin'-way last, the Spanish one.

Thank you.
I know I've said this to you each, at random times, but it's true.
And I don't expect you to help me so I'd thank you and fall over in gratitude, but I am, so truly grateful.
Because without friends like you I would never in a trillion years have the courage to do or decide the way I've decided. (So cryptic, ha!)

So.
Happy Saturday to all of you.
I'm off to see some friends.

With love.
As always.
M.

aujourd'hui

Today.

Oh, today.
What shall we do with you.

I mean, either I'm weird, or this is some sunshine disorder, or whatever.
Yesterday I was so full of everything, life and energy and desire to do stuff, mainly.
None of which is here today.
And neither is the sunshine.

Actually, the sun was so lush yesterday, I caught a bit of a face-tan.
I mean, mega.

But today is not yesterday.
Today is gray and real quiet, and a little somber.
A somber Friday.
I do have quite a lot to do, but somber-ness and me don't make for a very good working combo.
Besides, Place beyond the pines (yesterday) really put me in a little hole.
I think I'm partially still in it.

But no, today has potential to be very very excellent indeed.
So let's turn this around, very soon, and properly.

I think this is the biggest thing that has changed.
I used to think that I can't and therefore didn't want to change my "bad" days.
But that is so different now.
I don't enjoy this anymore, at all.

Which means I have a choice.

And today, I choose to have a "good" day. No, really, a good day.
And see the people who want to see me, and I want to see.
Do the things I need to do.
Do the things I can do, and want to do.
And live a little you know.

I choose.
M.

seal

This is a seal, and he is spinning.
Watch him spin.

Seal.
M.

http://vimeo.com/53192658

picnic

On Saturday, we had a picnic outdoors.
Me, dad and the Mrs.
We got some pizza, and a thermos with green tea/Earl Grey infusion.
And it was sunny and over-all a lovely idea.

We had two pizzas: one with added blue cheese and pineapple which is like my childhood favourite. And then one with all the spicy stuff.

Also, I've never really been on a nice sunny skiing holiday and this just felt so so much like a fit time at some after-ski place. So I suddenly found myself battling serious feelings about having a ski trip.

Seriously. Yay, for winter picnics.

Have a winter picnic.
M.

adventures

The more time passes and the more I open my eyes to what's actually inside, I realise that all I want to do is adventure.
Genuinely, honestly, I want to adventure and see the world and fully embrace not knowing where I'm going, or sometimes where I am, or anything.
Embrace it and enjoy it.
To be the Me-est Me.

Slowly.
M.