break

So.

Where am I up to so far.

Spring is here.
And I plan to have May (and June definitely as well) as months where I don't worry about "the future". The ever elusive entity.

Months where I let the beginning of this year, all this so far, sink in, slowly and softly, steadily, and calmly.
Just. sink. in.
And this plan is solid.

I want to calm down.
I want to not-stress and I want to not-worry.


There's this idea swimming around at the moment of enrolling at the Academy here.
I wasn't sure at first but I'm really really warming to this idea.
I went out last night with Keiu, to this old shipyard, where house music legend Marshall Jefferson was hitting the beats.
The whole place looked amazing and the crowd was really excellent.
Really a different side of Tallinn and new to me.
And as I was there, dancing away, I thought of the Academy and all these other things I could do in Estonia.
And suddenly it just felt so right, and awesome, and excellent.
I've had my heart set on staying home for some time now, but I haven't really understood....the hows and whys and wheres and you know. The rest of it.
And now I feel like Reason has caught up with Intuition.
Welcome onboard, son!



I want to enjoy the fact that I'm alive, I want to enjoy that I have this mind and spirit and body, and I want to enjoy that I'm home and it's spring.

I want my insides to feel happy.

That's all.

Oh, and I want this dress below.
Thankxxx.

Peace out, all your lovely people.
Follow your own measures of right and wrong.
Necessary and unneccesary.
And when something doesn't feel right - DON'T DO IT.
When something is giving you crazzyyy fear or panic - DON'T DO IT.
Just stop for a bit, figure out what is causing you all this pain and suffering, and then carry on.
There is no deadline, no opinion or no anything more important and valuable than You and your health and your well-being.
Keep your heart strong, keep your heart happy and the rest will work itself out.
But with a fearful heart, with a sad heart you cannot get to the right things anyway.
Stop jumping over your own shadow.

Here's some photos of Slavic babes.

Love, always.
Yours truly.
M.

the end

Hello, darlings.

Gosh I've been so ..away, somewhere.

Behind some faraway planet.

Some other sphere.

End of the year is drawing near so quickly. 

Basically 56 hours left, to plant a full stop, nice and steady, to complete this thought, and start the new one.

Next year, next sentence.

This New Years will be like that.

I will still wear glitter and sequins and pop something sparkling, but all this club stuff can go do one.

I'm so over it, it's not even funny.

All it does is confuse the energy and mess up your balance.

And the one thing I don't want to happen is my bubble to burst.

There's this wise man here that everyone knows, Igor Mang, and every year he writes a planetary prediction of the upcoming year.

And they are just humorous, literally, how accurate some of it is.

Like details.

Of international and national events.

So I just read parts of his prediction for 2014 which apparently will bring a widespread need for self-fulfillment and the need to "be" someone.

Really make something of yourself, follow your way.

And I mean, it's only appropriate to quote Britney here:

"So get to work, bitch."

I can really feel it, this super mega ennui at not doing enough, but not for someone else, not my family or the omnipresent society and its ideas of right and wrong, but really for myself.

I can see how much time I waste, all the time.

And it was truly necessary this year but not anymore.

This year of the Snake was my year, since I was born as one.

A year of coming home, physically, geographically and mentally-spiritually.

24 and the Snake and the end of some cyclical movements.

But now the next phase is coming and if I don't want to get caught under the stampede of my own will and power, I better act accordingly.

Restricting yourself like that is the dumbest thing, ever.

And I do some dumb sh*t, ask my friends.

But that's actually the most dumbest-est.

So no more.

So here I am, 29th of December, 2013.

A year, 3 months and 19 days after I wrote my first 6-month plan, simply because I was so lost.

Feels like an actual life-time.

Anyone who says you cannot change your character and Fate and all that, right - sorry, not sorry, but I absolutely disagree.

To the thousandth degree.

All you need is a wish, a want to change something and the rest is all a blank page.

Do, change, want, develop, see, listen, grow, shift, morph, concrete to water.

Do

What

You

Want

The only prerequisite is a wish.

A wish for change and a wish for Something Else.

Well well well, what a year this has been.

I think I'll write a little something of this year tomorrow and 31st as well.

But this will do for now.

If I could give you something, I'd give you and myself the Courage to do the thing we see and sense as the right thing.

For us, ourselves, and only ourselves.

After all -

Make sure you can swim first, then go save humanity.

As always, love to alllllll of you.

Yours truly.

M.

growing pains

"No"vember is nearly finished.
And it's been a good month. A good month of many more to come.
I like the fact that it doesn't feel like a month just wasted, or time gone by. Because I find that so frustrating.
And I think the ball's rolling down the right slope. Scary, but exciting.
Like, unraveling, but then realising it's actually fine.

This is so tricky to write down, cause all of this is just so vague, and huge, you know?


So.
Growing pains.
It's not meant to be nice.
When do people stop growing?
I posted, a while ago, just this idea - when do people get too old to get lost.
Or like, when do people cross this barrier into adulthood that means no mistakes, no learning, no nothing. No growing.
Just nothing. Just repetition. Repetition of the same patterns, and same actions, and words, and people, and places. The same routine, and the same habits. The same signposts, and roads, and nooks and crannies, and no wonder, no surprise, no gawking at the miracle of life or staring into space thinking how is anything this wonderful. No chances and no fear.
Children are allowed to go through growing pains. You grow. It's what's meant to happen. Your bones, your teeth, your limbs, your lungs, your rib cage, your spine, your lips, your tongue, your fingers. Everything is stretched and distorted, beyond recognition.
The inconvenience of growing. Growing pains. But at the end of it, you're you.
When do we stop growing. Should we stop growing. Or is it just the fear of another set of growing pains? And then another?
People say you can't change. You don't need to. Just evolve. And let others evolve too.
Why should learning and shifting stop?

Growing pains. They indicate that something big is happening. Not that anyone's dying.
Just that big stuff is going down.

Embrace growing pains.
If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't affect you.
Wouldn't it be boring to stop growing in the early 20s? That you race down this highway of frikkin rainbows, and unicorns, and miracles upon miracles and then just stop?
How much more is there to find and discover?
Of course, this is not something that anyone has to do. It's something a lot of people don't want to do, which is fine. All of this is fine. Plenty of people are happy being comfortable, because comfort is nice, and this is logical and if it feels right, it feels right.
All I'm saying is, if it doesn't feel right, it's not right. It's not that you "are not made for this", or you are not "made" for big things, or the little things, or happiness, or sadness, or love, or adventures, or being happy in your skin, or being on someone else's skin. It's that you aren't there yet. But if you ask the right question, the answer always comes.
So many people get scared. I'm one of them. The front-runner of the Fear Regiment. Seriously. But so what? All of this is scary.
But I won't be one of the people who just stops.
Life's too short, and the world's too interesting.
And there will always be people in your life to give you something for your gums, or then pick you up when gravity doesn't aid your attempt at walking, or help you when you feel dizzy cause your blood circulation can't keep up with your body, or when you're changing so fast, you don't really know what to cling on to.
But there will always be people.

If you're honest, you will always find someone to tie you up.
Or in this case, if you're honest, you will always find someone to listen to you moan about the growing pains.

Because truth be told - it's fucking cool.
M.




“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

—	F. Scott Fitzgerald