see

the end

Hello, darlings.

Gosh I've been so ..away, somewhere.

Behind some faraway planet.

Some other sphere.

End of the year is drawing near so quickly. 

Basically 56 hours left, to plant a full stop, nice and steady, to complete this thought, and start the new one.

Next year, next sentence.

This New Years will be like that.

I will still wear glitter and sequins and pop something sparkling, but all this club stuff can go do one.

I'm so over it, it's not even funny.

All it does is confuse the energy and mess up your balance.

And the one thing I don't want to happen is my bubble to burst.

There's this wise man here that everyone knows, Igor Mang, and every year he writes a planetary prediction of the upcoming year.

And they are just humorous, literally, how accurate some of it is.

Like details.

Of international and national events.

So I just read parts of his prediction for 2014 which apparently will bring a widespread need for self-fulfillment and the need to "be" someone.

Really make something of yourself, follow your way.

And I mean, it's only appropriate to quote Britney here:

"So get to work, bitch."

I can really feel it, this super mega ennui at not doing enough, but not for someone else, not my family or the omnipresent society and its ideas of right and wrong, but really for myself.

I can see how much time I waste, all the time.

And it was truly necessary this year but not anymore.

This year of the Snake was my year, since I was born as one.

A year of coming home, physically, geographically and mentally-spiritually.

24 and the Snake and the end of some cyclical movements.

But now the next phase is coming and if I don't want to get caught under the stampede of my own will and power, I better act accordingly.

Restricting yourself like that is the dumbest thing, ever.

And I do some dumb sh*t, ask my friends.

But that's actually the most dumbest-est.

So no more.

So here I am, 29th of December, 2013.

A year, 3 months and 19 days after I wrote my first 6-month plan, simply because I was so lost.

Feels like an actual life-time.

Anyone who says you cannot change your character and Fate and all that, right - sorry, not sorry, but I absolutely disagree.

To the thousandth degree.

All you need is a wish, a want to change something and the rest is all a blank page.

Do, change, want, develop, see, listen, grow, shift, morph, concrete to water.

Do

What

You

Want

The only prerequisite is a wish.

A wish for change and a wish for Something Else.

Well well well, what a year this has been.

I think I'll write a little something of this year tomorrow and 31st as well.

But this will do for now.

If I could give you something, I'd give you and myself the Courage to do the thing we see and sense as the right thing.

For us, ourselves, and only ourselves.

After all -

Make sure you can swim first, then go save humanity.

As always, love to alllllll of you.

Yours truly.

M.

perfect

This is a post about perfection.

Okay, so when I was a 5-year-old, my dad asked me why I use the word "hate".
You know, like kids do it, "I hate this", "I hate that", "I hate peas", et cetera.
So he said, why not say "dislike".
He told me the word "hate" had a lot of negative energy, for me and for others, using a word that strong, that powerful.
So I dropped it, and I don't use it.
I just don't.
I rarely, rarely - rarely - close enough to almost say "never", feel strong enough to "hate" anything, at all.
Strong dislike? Sure.
Hate? No.

I will now.
I hate this search for "perfect", or "perfection".
I hate it.
The Perfect Wedding, the Perfect Man, the PERFECT holiday, the PERFECT dress, the PERFECT hair, the PERFECT PERFECTION.
Seriously.

(.. keep going with me.)

The thing is.
To seek perfection or to seek The Perfect person or state, implies that at some point we get to stop working, and stop growing.
It implies that at some point change will stop occurring.
Therefore, it implies the arrival of stagnation.
Blissful (I'm sure), yet stupid stagnation.
Almost like a catatonic state.

The question is not whether "perfect" exists in this world or not.
I don't care.
The point is that we simply do not - and honestly do not - need it.
We don't need it.
It does us no good.
No good, at all, as living, breathing, sweating, bleeding human beings.
We are alive.
This implies not being stagnant! Ever.
Stagnation in human beings implies a flat-line.
No heartbeat, no blood pressure, no cells growing, and renewing.
Perfection makes us strive for a goal, an end-point, when we really should have two eyes focused on the journey.
This magical, awesome, brilliant journey.
Also called Life.
There is no "perfect", there is no end point.

There is just the boundless giving random-ness of the great Universe kaleidoscope.

Perfect has nothing to do with it.


It's like this phrase: Picture Perfect.
But you know what? It's also un-alive.
And I come at this as someone who has the highest regard for the art of photography, photographers and photos.
I really do value it as an art and respect it, but real life?
Real life is not picture perfect.
This endless talk about - this looks perfect, and that looks perfect.
Fine for selling something, an advertisement, or dolls, and of course snapshots of our memories.
But we cannot be Picture Perfect because we are alive.
And that is magical.
And I don't see why anyone would ever want to change that.
Change the magic of being alive for giving into the hunt for this rigidity.

We are alive, so alive.
Perfection cannot be duplicated.
Maybe newborns are perfect?
Maybe the fact that the sun rises and sets, is perfect?
Maybe flower-like frost on a window, is perfect?
Or maybe laughing till you cry with friends?
But it cannot be manufactured.
It happens.
Maybe it exists after-all.
But to chase it would be certain death for the living cell.

It just Is.
We just Are.

So let's just Be.

Yours truly.
Love and light, as always.
M.

This.

This
this
this


With love.
M.

stupid

Okay, this is ridiculous.
It's time to stop being stupid and focus.

Feeling lonely is boring.
Feeling crappy is boring.

So why be boring.

Like, SERIOUSLY.


DREAMERS
DOERS
BELIEVERS
THINKERS

Visuals.
M.

leave the world behind

This is what I want.
Out of life.
This is what I want out of my existence and time given on this awesome planet.
I want the miracle and wonder.
No steel, no concrete. I don't want the new and I don't want the shiny.
I want open spaces and freedom and love for everything.
I want a little boat and stormy seas.
And I want moss and rain and nature, because that is what Home is like.
I want to swim in cold seas and look at stars and whatever.
Just marvel.

I always get back to this -
I want to marvel.
And I want to share my life with those who want to marvel too.
It's not my job or duty to convince anyone at all that all of this is a miracle.

I want to get my feet wet, travel, and sing.

And I want to give myself what I want and work at living a life like this, with peace and balance and quiet and calm.
Because if we don't give ourselves what we deserve, no one will, ever.
Ever.

And this is a solid piece of advice (and I rarely dish out solid advice) - if you find the little miracles, the friends who wonder and marvel with you, do not and I mean, do not let them slip away. Life is too short and these people do not grow on trees.
Because they are magic.

If the topic is "Things Maria wants to happen", this is top 1 of the list.
No questions asked.

Now please find some headphones or plug in your speakers, and watch this video.

Always.
M.

don't die at 25

“Most people die at 25 and aren’t buried until they’re 75”

—	Benjamin Franklin

This quote, is so true.
This happens (and happens visibly) so much.
You notice people around you, not growing anymore.
And this is me deciding, I won't do that.
I refuse to be safe, or choose safe.
I refuse to die this young.
This period of time is for choosing brave and showing some frikkin' courage.
I want to keep the trust of a child, for a long long time.
And the courage to go head first.
And to keep looking, for the thing that makes me happiest, in this world.
And believe that true love exists.
And fall in love with everything, all the time, every day, with no questions asked and no boundaries.
And eat ice-cream.
And run around.
Because when did having fun stop being a normality.

I won't die at 25.
I won't die at 35, or 45, or anything-5.

I will carry on developing, and seeing, and seeking.
And marveling.
And wondering and wandering.
And seeing magic everywhere.
Because otherwise there is no point.

With all the love I hold.
M.

before

Usually I don't like these lists, but this one is quite fun.
And quite a lot of this is true.
Really is.
Really, really is.

Before.
M.

25 Things To Do Before You Turn 25

1. Make peace with your parents. Whether you finally recognize that they actually have your best interests in mind or you forgive them for being flawed human beings, you can’t happily enter adulthood with that familial brand of resentment.

2. Kiss someone you think is out of your league; kiss models and med students and entrepreneurs with part-time lives in Dubai and don’t worry about if they’re going to call you afterward.

3. Minimize your passivity.

4. Work a service job to gain some understanding of how tipping works, how to keep your cool around assholes, how a few kind words can change someone’s day.

5. Recognize freedom as a 5:30 a.m. trip to the diner with a bunch of strangers you’ve just met.

6. Try not to beat yourself up over having obtained a ‘useless’ Bachelor’s Degree. Debt is hell, and things didn’t pan out quite like you expected, but you did get to go to college, and having a degree isn’t the worst thing in the world to have. We will figure this mess out, I think, probably; the point is you’re not worth less just because there hasn’t been an immediate pay off for going to school. Be patient, work with what you have, and remember that a lot of us are in this together.

7. If you’re employed in any capacity, open a savings account. You never know when you might be unemployed or in desperate need of getting away for a few days. Even $10 a week is $520 more a year than you would’ve had otherwise.

8. Make a habit of going outside, enjoying the light, relearning your friends, forgetting the internet.

9. Go on a 4-day, brunch-fueled bender.

10. Start a relationship with your crush by telling them that you want them. Directly. Like, look them in the face and say it to them. Say, I want you. I want to be with you.

11. Learn to say ‘no’ — to yourself. Don’t keep wearing high heels if you hate them; don’t keep smoking if you’re disgusted by the way you smell the morning after; stop wasting entire days on your couch if you’re going to complain about missing the sun.

12. Take time to revisit the places that made you who you are: the apartment you grew up in, your middle school, your hometown. These places may or may not be here forever; you definitely won’t be.

13. Find a hobby that makes being alone feel lovely and empowering and like something to look forward to.

14. Think you know yourself until you meet someone better than you.

15. Forget who you are, what your priorities are, and how a person should be.

16. Identify your fears and instead of letting them dictate your every move, find and talk to people who have overcome them. Don’t settle for experiencing .000002% of what the world has to offer because you’re afraid of getting on a plane.

17. Make a habit of cleaning up and letting go. Just because it fit at one point doesn’t mean you need to keep it forever — whether ‘it’ is your favorite pair of pants or your ex.

18. Stop hating yourself.

19. Go out and watch that movie, read that book, listen to that band you already lied about watching, reading, listening to.

20. Take advantage of health insurance while you have it.

21. Make a habit of telling people how you feel, whether it means writing a gushing fan-girl email to someone whose work you love or telling your boss why you deserve a raise.

22. Date someone who says, “I love you” first.

23. Leave the country under the premise of “finding yourself.” This will be unsuccessful. Places do not change people. Instead, do a lot of solo drinking, read a lot of books, have sex in dirty hostels, and come home when you start to miss it.

24. Suck it up and buy a Macbook Pro.

25. Quit that job that’s making you miserable, end the relationship that makes you act like a lunatic, lose the friend whose sole purpose in life is making you feel like you’re perpetually on the verge of vomiting. You’re young, you’re resilient, there are other jobs and relationships and friends if you’re patient and open.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/25-things-to-do-before-you-turn-25/

all in

All Stephanie.
Adidas.

This is so self-explanatory.

dance
dance
dance
dance

With love.
M.

all for less

This song.
Kills my insides.
Somehow.

If you have some time, please give it a watch.

Repeat.
M.

wanderlust

My wanderlust is just out of control.



It's all I think about, every day, basically all the time.
Just this need to go and explore and adventure.
This is not a need to "go on a holiday", or to get a tan or get drunk in beach-side bars.
It's just a true yearning (the purest of these I've ever had) to go and see and explore.

This is just out of control.

Out of control wanderlust.
To See, and Breathe.

I just want to wander/wonder with an open heart with room for it to be Open.
With space, and freedom, and the safety to open up which comes with this freedom.

I mean, to be honest. I don't really need to leave the country for this.
This is not the point.
There's plenty to See here, on this tiny speck of wild land.

Plan.
Everything is possible.
I just need to plan.
Plan, plan, plan.

At least, I know what I need, and what I truly desire.

And that is good.
M.


Don't ever deny yourself your true nature.

adventures

The more time passes and the more I open my eyes to what's actually inside, I realise that all I want to do is adventure.
Genuinely, honestly, I want to adventure and see the world and fully embrace not knowing where I'm going, or sometimes where I am, or anything.
Embrace it and enjoy it.
To be the Me-est Me.

Slowly.
M.

TRT

I'm back! Again. My second return in a week, or something.

Tartu was super.
It's our university town in the south of Estonia.
I stayed with some old suuupper friends, and it was so lovely I could almost die.
Both nights revolved around food, tea, food, tea, and chats, more tea and lots more chats, and boardgames. In short, an ideal combo!

It's strange how you have some people with whom it simply doesn't matter when you saw them last, or where or why or whatever, point is, you gel, immediately.
And it's one of the basic fundamental joys of the human life I think. Or at least, I regard it extremely highly.

And so I'm back in the capital, where it's warmer and less snowy.
I got the 7:46am train back with K. which meant a 6:45am wake-up, and now I feel almost like I've never had any sleep ever.
But seriously, this was a super duper 2-night break. So much delicious food, and lots of good atmosphere.
Also, shoutout to "Jane" for being a wonderful-wonderful hostess lady person! (Pingviiiiiniiiiid)

And now my cat is licking his little cat balls in a patch of spring sunshine. (...Too poetic not to share, sorry!)

Now it's tea-time and food time, and then I'm going to the gym, to run on a sunny treadmill and pretend it's warm enough to do that outside.
And lift my weights, like a machine.

Happy Tuesday, guys!

Go, adventure.
M.

Central-Estonia on the bus journey to TRT and snow, snow, snow. Happy mid-March!

Groceries in the bike basket. Simple things

Evening walk last night in the freezing cold. I really liked the lighting on the bridge

Light work, "Snake". Fine by me

Morning train! Hello, TLN.

bebe

Just a little photo of me and my brother way way back.
It has no particular relevance, I just really like the atmosphere.

I think I look exactly the same pretty much, just more hair.
And I'm pleased that my brother and I are still tight and do banter.

Childhood.
M.

kardashians

Now that I want to spend some time sat in my room behind closed doors once more, it's time for me and the Kardashians to carry on our love affair.

Dash.
M.

clear out

Today I am being productive and doing something that I've been putting off for a while - the "big clear out".

My boxes should be arriving from LDN today so I'm equally super excited but also aware that I was to make a lot of space. So I'm just sorting through all my belongings in TLN to see whether I actually need any of them. And so far so good.
The bin bags are filling and it honestly feels like it's easier to breathe.

And of course my favourite t-shirt with Edward Cullen is helping me out.
Thanks, clothing item.

Make your own air.
M.

theatre

jesus
jesus
jesus
jesus
jesus
jesus
jesus


I want to have my hands and forearms elbow-deep in theatre.

Elbow
Deep

pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.
M.

v-day

Or Friends' Day! As it is known in the Nordic parts of Europe.
Cherish your friends and hug them loads.

We had fit breakfast today, and it was fit.
I stayed at E's place and we got up at 7am which translates to me as 5am London time. It was so much fun! I do like early mornings once I get up for one. And also, I must say, I'm exhausted right now. The past 3 nights have held no sleep so I'm really deprived.
Hopefully I'll shift back into a normal-ish structure with tonight.

Head Sõbrapäeva!
M.

control

Okay.

Right now I'm going to make a promise to myself.
And it is pretty simple.

I will never ever again let things grow over my head. 

I will stay on top of the little things, the communicating, and talking, to seeing, the telling.
And I will not let myself bury myself under this pile of stuff, that otherwise would be nice and/or exciting.

The wave is the same.
It is up to me to ride it, or get crushed under it.

I will stay on top. 
M.

friends

Friends.
Today I'm just really grateful, for having people in my life.
For having people who care about me.
And people who care about how I'm doing.
And what will happen to me.
And people who wish to push me and challenge me, and help me challenge myself.
And help me see myself the way they see me.Which sometimes is so very very important.

So today is for gratitude.
I am grateful for the friends, I am grateful that they care and I'm grateful that I have many more times with these lovely people to look forward to.

Thank you.
M.