break

So.

Where am I up to so far.

Spring is here.
And I plan to have May (and June definitely as well) as months where I don't worry about "the future". The ever elusive entity.

Months where I let the beginning of this year, all this so far, sink in, slowly and softly, steadily, and calmly.
Just. sink. in.
And this plan is solid.

I want to calm down.
I want to not-stress and I want to not-worry.


There's this idea swimming around at the moment of enrolling at the Academy here.
I wasn't sure at first but I'm really really warming to this idea.
I went out last night with Keiu, to this old shipyard, where house music legend Marshall Jefferson was hitting the beats.
The whole place looked amazing and the crowd was really excellent.
Really a different side of Tallinn and new to me.
And as I was there, dancing away, I thought of the Academy and all these other things I could do in Estonia.
And suddenly it just felt so right, and awesome, and excellent.
I've had my heart set on staying home for some time now, but I haven't really understood....the hows and whys and wheres and you know. The rest of it.
And now I feel like Reason has caught up with Intuition.
Welcome onboard, son!



I want to enjoy the fact that I'm alive, I want to enjoy that I have this mind and spirit and body, and I want to enjoy that I'm home and it's spring.

I want my insides to feel happy.

That's all.

Oh, and I want this dress below.
Thankxxx.

Peace out, all your lovely people.
Follow your own measures of right and wrong.
Necessary and unneccesary.
And when something doesn't feel right - DON'T DO IT.
When something is giving you crazzyyy fear or panic - DON'T DO IT.
Just stop for a bit, figure out what is causing you all this pain and suffering, and then carry on.
There is no deadline, no opinion or no anything more important and valuable than You and your health and your well-being.
Keep your heart strong, keep your heart happy and the rest will work itself out.
But with a fearful heart, with a sad heart you cannot get to the right things anyway.
Stop jumping over your own shadow.

Here's some photos of Slavic babes.

Love, always.
Yours truly.
M.

healing

I have a cold.
And it's bad.
So I'm in bed, drinking tea and trying to get rid of this nose blockage, somehow.

I googled this article about the emotional implications of illnesses.
I strongly believe that the huge huge majority of all kinds of ills we have are brought about through things in our lives, stresses, problems, whatever.
So this is what I found.

COLDS:Too much going on at once. Mental confusion and disorder.
AFFIRMATION:I allow my mind to relax and be at peace. Clarity and harmony are within me and all around me.
And in this instance, it's so right.
Confusion and disorder and so many things.
So here I am, with my cold.
But I plan to kick it out the door soon.

Love to all of you!
I hope you're embracing this spring, hardcore!

Peace.
Yours truly.
M.

face the sun

Hey, guys!

First of all, can I have a geek moment and just say that Game of Thrones starts today!
I'm never this excited over any any TV at all, but seriously, yay!

Secondly, I've got an allergic reaction on my face, quite fun actually.
I think it's contact-based nut allergy.
First time in my life.
But hey, all about the new experiences!
(..and the contact is due to new face oil. Not just rubbing nuts onto my face, in glee.)
Also, it's really encouraging me to keep super clean (eating, beauty products) post-fasting.

Thirdly, Grey's Anatomy: Derek Shepherd just mentioned Estonia!


This is my Sunday so far.
I've made hummus today, with roasted red peppers, and then I made a halloumi and mushroom salad. And I did a foodshop, more vegetables - parsnips this time, and spinach.


Below is a photo of an inspirational fox.

With love.
Yours truly.
M.

first

First morning, and first evening.

Let this year unravel.

Exactly two months till I turn 25.

And I have every intention of taking this by the balls.

Let this year bring Light.

Imma sleep now, last night was madness, today was Joy and now I'm just calm.

Good night, darlings.

Yours truly.

01.01.2014

M.

evening

So, today has been an interesting one.

Superb wintery weather.

Tomorrow is one for music things and singing things.

Right now I'm occupied with white wine and gherkins.

Trying to stay calm amidst everything that is happening right now.

Things are just moving very fast.

In a good way.

But very very fast.

I would like to have an evening at Spaniards, tomorrow. Sleep over with Pisces.

This weekend is going to be crazy busy. 

So I have to really stick with the girls, to keep grounded. 

Deed of the day: bought my cat a new scratching post.

He is so happy.

Work on ourselves, work on ourselves, work on oursves.

Till the cracks are gone.

And nothing leaks out.

This is the goal.

This is the aim and the mission for the near-future.

The true goal.

So let's get stuck in, deep and straight and true.

I send you Love, and Light.

It's time to work a little harder.

M.

Post interview today.

Smiling is nice.

 

sunshine

I'm sick and in bed.

I would like to not be sick, and instead doing this.

With love.
M.

glasses

Spaniard's glasses.
Because today was a day for this.
However, I did not wear them. She did.
I simply entertained myself for a little while.

Today was a good day and now it's time for some Australian Masterchef, or the Great British Bake-off.

Tomorrow, is Wednesday.
Some emails, then "Searching for Sugar Man", and then off to see a friend, for some cooking time, sauna and just general relaxing.
I like this pace, main thing is to keep doing.

Yours truly.
M.

Sunday

Today has been very calm.
Woke up, had some breakfast and went to help dad with building a fence.
Pictures to follow.
And now I'm taking some nap-time, then packing my bags and going to gig number 15.

But for now, some visuals.

With love.
M.

aujourd'hui

Today will consist of or has consisted of:
7AM wake-up
Writing a to-do list
Going to the library/getting music
Radio interview
Rehearsal
Figuring out what I'm singing
TV-people filming at the scaff? (actually scaffolding in the church)
Drawing a plan of who is standing where on the scaff/sending it to the sound designer


Actually, now that I've written it out like this, it doesn't sound that bad!
Woo! This was a good shout!

Peace.
M.

Let's bitch on this day.
PS, that's still a lollipop.

today

Today is Wednesday.

Today I was sat at my computer in my home office (ha) writing work emails for 7 hours.
Not a joke.
Not a joke.
Also, in my PJs because I woke up and decided I had so much to do that getting changed would be a waste of time.
However, this means I got a whole big bunch of stuff done.

And now I'm going to town, to listen to some poetry by one of the guys who's singing at my Scaffolding gig.
And then the Spanish one and I will have our socks blown off by Samsara. (Google dat.)

Peace out, far and wide.
M.

PS: That's a lollipop. No joke.



PPS: We did a pretty excellent multi-media sex scene to this once. And it's also a SICK tune.

aujourd'hui

Today was a Tuesday.
And the weather was nice.
I saw an old friend (although she's like a forever friend to be honest), talked some art with interesting people and then ended the day on this terrace, which is awesome.
So now I'm home. Chilling and being horizontal, with Biggest Loser.

I'm quite chilled out.
This feels nice.

I've got plenty of work to do, but I will wake up tomorrow morning and do that, and for now these thoughts are allowed to vacate my mind.

And leave behind, peace. Tranquil peace, which is of course emptiness in itself. But not the kind of emptiness that should ever be feared.
The good kind.

Oh, and, what I wanted was interesting people.
And this is what I got.
Tonight, I'm allowing myself to feel good about stuff, regardless of all the things I still need to do.
I will always have things to do.
But tonight, I'm allowing myself to feel good.

Allow yourself to feel good.
M.

today

Today was a day for calming down.

So I went into town, bought 3 bits of pastry - a mango puff pastry thing, a sugar icing puff pastry pretzel, a spinach and feta pastry - and got a coffee, and then I went for a long walk.
Me and Peter Gabriel in my ears.

It was divine.

Me and Tallinn.

Saturday.
M.

don't get greedy, kid

It is interesting how even the most seemingly positive things can draw out some negative patterns.
To be more exact.

This past week was absolutely spectacular.
I don't know what exactly I decided and when, but paired with Tuesday night, when I actually realised how ridiculously hindering my thought patterns were, something shifted.
And I was sliding on that wave for about 72 marvellous hours, when it was nothing short of audible how things were just somehow falling into place.
Sounds super, right?

It is, and was.
However.
An interesting side effect is that this gets almost addictive.
And so I decided to take a few days to calm down and prepare for the beginning of the week.
But I don't know. Now it's just a bit off.
Like, I got so used to "people" that now I'm a little --what? A little something.

So, in conclusion.
Don't be greedy, kid.

I suck at balance.
Always have.
And this same go-go-go-go-more-more-more-more-more-more-MORE-NOW thing got me to the point where I was in October, i.e. didn't want to do anything, at all.
This dance with everything and nothing.

Balance.
All of this is just a balancing act.
And what do you do if you don't know how to do something?
LEARN.

So I shall learn balance.

Greedy, greedy child.
M.

thursday

Today is going to be a good day.
And tomorrow is going to be a good day.
And Saturday is going to be a good day.
And Sunday is going to be a good day.

So these are my weekend plans in a nutshell.
Simple, huh?

And to celebrate Thursday, I shall post a photo of a beautiful white space, someone doing yoga and a puppy.
(By the way - I will absolutely learn how to do a handstand. This is fact. I just need patience. Keyword: PATIENCE.)

No but seriously - E and I lined up our plans earlier, and all-good everywhere.
Today I'm going for coffee with a friend in this super cozy cafe in the Old Town in TLN. And it's sunny outside. Then to dad's for boardgames.
Tomorrow I'm staying over at the pretty one's. Saturday is party night.
And I plan to use my new gym-membership (....yesssssssssssssssssssssss............) for some running and sauna time.

Just
peaceful
times
continuing

I hope you're all having a kick-ass Thursday.

Stay peaceful.
M.

black and white

AH and her hair.
And I like how comfy it all looks.
She isn't one of my huge favourites but there is just something rather calm that radiates from her.
And the hair is just awesome.

And the cats. I mean, I don't even have anything to add.

Black and white.
M.

desktop background

I love my desktop backgrounds, really.
Because I spend a lot of my on my laptop and therefore see the desktop quite a lot, it has to be something that either inspires me, or goes with the season, or calms me down - basically whatever I need at the time.

And since my love of wolves (more about this later) is growing, one has now found a way onto my desktop.

I heart wolf.
M.

short fuse

Well, well.
I got really pissed off today. Just because (STILL) so, so much is up in the air. (Through this packing process I've realised that I'm such a control freak with some weird things. Like I'm currently frustrated out of my eyeballs because I can't book my flight.)
And like, ugh, whatever.
So, I decided to apply a lot of make-up and do my hair just for the purposes of packing.
And for the purposes of not feeling like a forlorn sock (which, A. can vouch for this, is my all-time least favourite feeling).
Then I played some loud music (from the playlist GO) and burnt some lavender incense.
And calmed the f*ck down.

And I'm gonna carry on packing.

But before I do this I'm gonna give myself a little point an a pat on shoulder (can't reach my own back too well) for catching my friend, anger, by it's tiny little vicious tail and dealing with it.
So, there you go, self, I'm giving you a point!

Ride the wave.
M.

start

With the new year kick-starting, I seem to just forget to take a moment and breathe.
I won't do New Year's resolutions because they are not my style really - as in, I don't really like them.
So this year I will simply take time.
Take time to be. Cause there's such joy in being! And keep reminding myself. New habits are hard to start, but once we start a habit, the habit carries on and then forms us.
So, I will create a habit of taking time.
Taking time to make time.
I don't wish to live another year so that I get myself into ridiculous over-worked dead-ends. It's just an unpleasant waste of time, counter productive, so I am very much looking forward to saying, "yay! got rid of that".
So therefore, find an hour a day that is not tied to a laptop, or a phone, or a TV-set.
I know I will. Just a little time to switch off.
And I am absolutely dead-certain it will make a huge difference.
I like being busy, but busy and busy are different. Once I'm so busy I would like to slice my eyeballs open - I mean, where's the fun in that. But with a little time for breathing, the busy becomes a nice busy. Like, waves. Being caught in it, buried under it, or riding it. The wave, after-all, is the same.

Ride your wave.
M.

inner view

INTERVIEW.
The word.
You know?

That's what it's meant to be. An inner view of someone, a view into the person.
And I think I spent 3,5 hours today giving the most honest (or at least the most "true to myself") interview of my life today.
(And I have had I mean, not like, loads, but plenty of them in my life.)

And it was just so honest with myself I guess.
I don't even know. I think I'll understand why it meant something to me but later on.
For now I'm pleased with how it went, since I was stressing about it last night to E. And it was great!

And now I'm playing a great game (http://wellgames.com/free_online/fitz/). I love this thing.
Just had a carrot, and might make some tea.
First rehearsal for the tour tomorrow.
Exciting times, and good times, and most of all, interesting times.

Wintertime.
M.

post-singing idyll

Children will be children.
Concrete grey.


My writings back in the day, before The Big Move, were so angry. Quick-tempered. Maybe I've lost my balls of writing.
Or maybe I've just calmed down. Or maybe I've just learnt how to calm down.

I did something good today. Something good for myself, and something I should be proud of.
So this is my moment of Congratulations-Maria-well-done.

"USALDA END JUHUSELE JA VAATA, MIS SAAB"
Trust youself to chance, and see what happens.

In retrospective it is kind of funny how scared I was of going away. I read it on paper, but I can't remember the feeling. I remember the night 23 days and 6 years ago when for the first time I packed my big red suitcase that has now become one of the 5 constants in my life. I remember the night, I remember my cat, my dad with some Coronas and lime (well done, Father) and I remember some numb panic. But the run-up - it's just gone.
Trust yourself to chance.

I'm kind of sorry I deleted my really melancholic blog, pre-dating the 2005 one.
I'd like to read it like now. A diary of sorts of how it has all been, and how it has gone.

Drum and bass gave it clarity. A very singular meaning and a razorsharp focus. Which was really lacking. Just non-existent.
M. is for Mayhem.