break

So.

Where am I up to so far.

Spring is here.
And I plan to have May (and June definitely as well) as months where I don't worry about "the future". The ever elusive entity.

Months where I let the beginning of this year, all this so far, sink in, slowly and softly, steadily, and calmly.
Just. sink. in.
And this plan is solid.

I want to calm down.
I want to not-stress and I want to not-worry.


There's this idea swimming around at the moment of enrolling at the Academy here.
I wasn't sure at first but I'm really really warming to this idea.
I went out last night with Keiu, to this old shipyard, where house music legend Marshall Jefferson was hitting the beats.
The whole place looked amazing and the crowd was really excellent.
Really a different side of Tallinn and new to me.
And as I was there, dancing away, I thought of the Academy and all these other things I could do in Estonia.
And suddenly it just felt so right, and awesome, and excellent.
I've had my heart set on staying home for some time now, but I haven't really understood....the hows and whys and wheres and you know. The rest of it.
And now I feel like Reason has caught up with Intuition.
Welcome onboard, son!



I want to enjoy the fact that I'm alive, I want to enjoy that I have this mind and spirit and body, and I want to enjoy that I'm home and it's spring.

I want my insides to feel happy.

That's all.

Oh, and I want this dress below.
Thankxxx.

Peace out, all your lovely people.
Follow your own measures of right and wrong.
Necessary and unneccesary.
And when something doesn't feel right - DON'T DO IT.
When something is giving you crazzyyy fear or panic - DON'T DO IT.
Just stop for a bit, figure out what is causing you all this pain and suffering, and then carry on.
There is no deadline, no opinion or no anything more important and valuable than You and your health and your well-being.
Keep your heart strong, keep your heart happy and the rest will work itself out.
But with a fearful heart, with a sad heart you cannot get to the right things anyway.
Stop jumping over your own shadow.

Here's some photos of Slavic babes.

Love, always.
Yours truly.
M.

last year

I just revisited the writings pre-moving and also today, one year ago.


And this was quite the experience!Maybe I shouldn't be surprised that it was this emotional.

I mean, pre-moving I was terrified! I was absolutely petrified out of my mind.
I can so clearly tell just by the way I was writing, I was just somewhere else. Eyes pressed shut, so I wouldn't feel anything, not feel the fear, feel the uncertainty.
Wow...
I don't remember the feelings at all so I'm grateful to have the writings.


Today a year ago I was back home, and had been home for almost 2 months.
I wrote about finding balance, and surrounding yourself with the "right" people - the people who fan your flame and give you courage to fight your battles and take your chances.
A lot of which I was talking about I have accomplished, tenfold.
Some of which I was talking about - I am yet to do.

But I'm just.......truly shocked at how much more aware I am.
Of life, of the sensory and the mental, the spiritual and the aural. All of it.
I was just, under a layer of polyurethane foam (I'll add a photo).
Just, a non-feeling, non-honest entity.
And to think I was torturing my brain asking why the singing won't go like I feel it could have gone?
Well that is exactly the answer.
God, I would just like to give myself-a-year-ago a HUGE HUG!


This just goes to show that whatever you think that there is or is not in your life, things can change so so so very dramatically, for the better.

If you only have the courage to follow your heart, and accept the challenges.


We can choose, we can take the time to MAKE UP our minds!
There is no rush, there is only an opportunity to grow and develop.
Don't be scared, you will always have someone to cheer for you!
Just make up your mind, honest and loud and brave!
You can lie to anyone, just please not yourself.


Take time and realise that all choices are yours.


I love, and love, and love you.
Times are getting interesting.
I will fight for what I want, I will fight for what is mine.
I will fight my own voices telling me "I can't" or "I'm not good enough".
I will fight them and I will win.


But I will NOT settle.


Yours truly.
M.

Polyurethane foam, a photo.



And what I looked like then.
Exactly a year ago.

okay is not okay

Aka Let Me Entertain You.

31.12.2013

Last one.

The last day.

And the last evening.

And here I am.

Sat on the Spaniards sofa.

Sitting, and breathing, and waiting.

Waiting for some peace and calm to arrive.

Or rather, to settle.

The last day of the year.

Last day of 2013.

I guess all I'm really feeling is gratitude.

I'm grateful for the year I've had.

I'm grateful I've had the lessons I've had.

I want to accept that there are no bad things.

Everything is positive, all that is is a frame of mind.

If I'm very honest with you, 5 hours before we enter 2014, I'm really scared.

I feel fear and I don't really know why.

I guess I'm scared of understanding that This Is It.

The "rest of my life" I've been waiting for.

There's nothing left to do, but live the life I want.

And this fear is huge, honestly.

I'm scared of making wrong choices I think? Or saying the wrong thing?

Of ruining this feeling?

Or ruining this "golden path" that I can see somewhere in the close distance?

But.

Fear is fine.

Fear is human.

Fear is an emotion and without emotion we are no longer alive.

So it is all perfectly fine.

Fear is fine.

Everything is fine.

But at the end of it all, jump in.

Head first, feet first, heart first, spirit first.

And do it.

Impossible is nothing.

All that restricts you is the bounds of your heart and soul.

And once we accept that this actually is infinite, and infinity, there's nothing more to do but act.

Trust (!!!!) the Universe, trust life and trust in the endless capacity of love that drives this whole system, round and round.

And so here I am.

On the Spaniards sofa.

Soon I'll get changed, drink my tiny vodka, and my large champagne that I bought to celebrate the end of the tour.

All I want from this life currently at hand is to give and receive Love, give kindness in word and action.

Be gentle, and unassuming, and not judge.

I want to take everything exactly as it is, in reality, be present in the moment, not live my life 5 minutes in the past or 5 minutes in the future.

There is no fear in the present.

I want to entertain.

This first quarter century of my life that will soon be finished was under the headline of Songbird.

Next one is for the Prima Donna - it's time for me to work my actual butt off.

Actually actually work it off.

Crazy.

Let me entertain you.

Again and again.

And again.

I love you all.

Happy end of the year.

In Estonia, tonight is called Old Years Evening.

And it's always for contemplation.

So this is my conclusion of 2013.

"Okay" is NOT okay.

Being "fine" doesn't cut it anymore.

Follow your Soul and make your own stars shine.

2014 and the Stallion, bring it on.

I'll greet you with some fear, but so. frikkin. what.

It's time.

Be kind to yourselves, and be honest.

With love.

Yours truly, always.

M.

 

the end

Hello, darlings.

Gosh I've been so ..away, somewhere.

Behind some faraway planet.

Some other sphere.

End of the year is drawing near so quickly. 

Basically 56 hours left, to plant a full stop, nice and steady, to complete this thought, and start the new one.

Next year, next sentence.

This New Years will be like that.

I will still wear glitter and sequins and pop something sparkling, but all this club stuff can go do one.

I'm so over it, it's not even funny.

All it does is confuse the energy and mess up your balance.

And the one thing I don't want to happen is my bubble to burst.

There's this wise man here that everyone knows, Igor Mang, and every year he writes a planetary prediction of the upcoming year.

And they are just humorous, literally, how accurate some of it is.

Like details.

Of international and national events.

So I just read parts of his prediction for 2014 which apparently will bring a widespread need for self-fulfillment and the need to "be" someone.

Really make something of yourself, follow your way.

And I mean, it's only appropriate to quote Britney here:

"So get to work, bitch."

I can really feel it, this super mega ennui at not doing enough, but not for someone else, not my family or the omnipresent society and its ideas of right and wrong, but really for myself.

I can see how much time I waste, all the time.

And it was truly necessary this year but not anymore.

This year of the Snake was my year, since I was born as one.

A year of coming home, physically, geographically and mentally-spiritually.

24 and the Snake and the end of some cyclical movements.

But now the next phase is coming and if I don't want to get caught under the stampede of my own will and power, I better act accordingly.

Restricting yourself like that is the dumbest thing, ever.

And I do some dumb sh*t, ask my friends.

But that's actually the most dumbest-est.

So no more.

So here I am, 29th of December, 2013.

A year, 3 months and 19 days after I wrote my first 6-month plan, simply because I was so lost.

Feels like an actual life-time.

Anyone who says you cannot change your character and Fate and all that, right - sorry, not sorry, but I absolutely disagree.

To the thousandth degree.

All you need is a wish, a want to change something and the rest is all a blank page.

Do, change, want, develop, see, listen, grow, shift, morph, concrete to water.

Do

What

You

Want

The only prerequisite is a wish.

A wish for change and a wish for Something Else.

Well well well, what a year this has been.

I think I'll write a little something of this year tomorrow and 31st as well.

But this will do for now.

If I could give you something, I'd give you and myself the Courage to do the thing we see and sense as the right thing.

For us, ourselves, and only ourselves.

After all -

Make sure you can swim first, then go save humanity.

As always, love to alllllll of you.

Yours truly.

M.

happy beginning

..of Autumn.

It has now officially started its absolutely unstoppable tour-de-force.

All I have for you is love and light and this.



Yours truly.
M.

‘As you walk and eat and travel, be where you are. Otherwise you will miss most of your life.’ ~Buddha

AUGUST

And so with the Arrival of August, it's time for one of these.
(I started this last November, when I decided to pick a theme for each month, so I could monitor my progress in whatever field a little easier. I haven't done this in a long while, but I feel it's time. I want to have this month by its ovaries.)

And so, without further ado.
"A is for."

ARMASTUS. (love, in Estonian.)

Art. More time for the things that make me tick. My positive triggers. Creating something, sharing interesting ideas with people. More art. Watching or doing or whatever. Just, art.

Affairs. (...IN ORDER. I've postponed sorting a whole bunch of stuff, since I am still of course the self-proclaimed Queen of Procrastination Nation. However, since I'm increasingly getting fed up with this title it's really time to turn over a new page. And re-titled myself, something like, Crown Princess of Productivity? Anyway, you get the general idea.)

All-together.
Armour.
Alive.


Advice. I really have to learn how to understand when to ask for advice. I like to be a Know-it-all, but sadly, let's be honest, that's bullsh*t. No one knows everything. Besides, it's a lot more work figuring out something yourself, when I could simply ask. Why re-invent the wheel, eh?

Admit.

Assignment. I haven't challenged myself in a long while, so I think it's time for assignments. Whether it's fitness stuff, or just afore-mentioned getting my "affairs" in order, et cetera. Point being - I need goals, I need assignments.

Acceptance.
This one is important!
And goes out for everyone else as well as myself.
Plant alllll the seeds of acceptance, that you are worthy.
Of all the good stuff there is in the whole wide world.
We deprive ourselves of the chance of success and succeeding so often, saying "we can't do it anyway", even before we've made the first tiny step.
So please, you, and you, and me as well. Let's accept ourselves for exactly what we are and accept the fact that we are worthy, of all the good.

Absolute.
Admiration. (Admire stuff! The world, the weather, the clouds, pretty things, ugly things, interesting things, people, matchboxes, cool flowers, food, and rain, and yourselves, and your friends. Admire. The more admiration you plant into the world, the more you'll convince yourself that this is a Divine place to live in.)

Always.
Always.

Arrive.
Arrival.
Arrivals. Don't be scared to leave places and go explore. Arriving is awesome.

Animation. Same as admiration really. Live with animation. There's not much point in holding back. If you REALLY like something, say it, feel it and share it. Laugh too loud and jump too high.

Appreciation! Of yourself, of what you have. Appreciation and gratitude are too things most useful and most beauty-making.

Abundance.

Aloud.

Approval. (We seek for it, from our parents, our friends, the society, our employer, la la la, so on. What about yourself? Do YOU approve of the person you are? Do YOU approve of the things you do? So please, earn your own approval. And again, this goes straight to myself as well as for all of you who might need this.)

Aims. Aiming.

Alight. Set yourself alight.

Amazement.
AMAZEMENT.
Follow the amazement.

“Stay close to anything that makes you glad you are alive.”

—

Hafiz

So this is all I have to say about August.
This is the kind of month I want to have.

Most important thing is, that whatever you want to Accomplish (...just in case you missed the fact that this was an "A" word..), be mindful about what you are doing for it, and give yourself a clear structure of how to get to this.
This might be a state of living, a job, a state of a relationship, or a state of mind for you and you alone.
Point is, make sure you give yourself what you want.
If you won't, no one else will.
(I'll try to remember this.)

So, here's one to the beginning stage of a glorious month!

Happy August!
M.

magnify

So.
This is going to be simple.

We need to spend more time magnifying our successes.

If we don't, who else will?

The little things that others won't notice.
The things only you know really matter, I mean, really matter, at the very root of your being.
Those things.
And magnify success, not your setbacks.

I mean, why do we do that anyway?
Why wouldn't we magnify the good things? I mean, why?

So the aim of the week, or the month, or the aim of spring, or the whole year, is to magnify it.

MAGNIFY.
M.

2012

About time for a recap.
I've been putting this off for a while, but here goes.

A good work year. When I'm doing the projects and concerts I never consider that I'm working necessarily. I enjoy it so much, and in that sense I'm hugely privileged to have a "job" like that. That I get to sing. But then in retrospective I always call it working.
So here goes. A good work year. January kicked off with a double portion of Opera Holloway. Händel and "Samson" first, and then Massenet and "Cinderella" second. Then there was the April tour which was such an awesome, ambitious project. It was my baby. I had never conceived a concert tour idea on my own, beginning to end. So it meant a lot. Then in February I found Sue, and started working with her. Then in July I had the insane summer tour, 22 concerts, in 25 days. Which was the most amazing learning opportunity. It helped me grow in the right direction so so much, and I'm so grateful for it. Then August was for Abingdon, September had the birthday celebration concert of a renowned pianist, in Talllinn. And December, again tour time.
2012 was amazing for travels. Apart from the bi-country lifestyle, I went to Switzerland in May to see A. Then there was August and Hrvatska, via Finland. And then 2 mini-trips to Stockholm, for some Scandinavian chaos and mayhem.
2012 was a good year for friends. I gained some new ones that I'm really grateful for. And saw some old ones I hadn't for a while.

2012 was a great great year for me. Just on some new found personal level, 2012 was good for me. I feel like I started thinking, actually thinking about what I was doing, and that I took responsibility for my decisions. For once, I didn't just carry on going, and I didn't think of what someone else expected of me. I took my chances and grew from my setbacks.
I think in a few decades I'll look back on this year just gone and really understand just how significant it was. I feel better than I used to, more at peace, more balanced and more grounded.
And I feel like I'm really starting to enjoy being me.
2012 also marked the beginning of my transition towards a healthier life, physically, mentally, emotionally - in every possible way. I've worked through some of my crap and I feel like I'm truly finally moving in the right direction.
It's also the year when I realised I can stop justifying. If I'm happy with what I'm doing, or what I look like, or what I'm doing with my days, then so be it. And that is all the justifying I will ever need to do.

I'm grateful for a good year and for having the amazing people in my life, my lovely lovely friends, my family and my cat, of course. Thank you for being there for me through the more or less interesting times. Thank you for having good advice and being the best motivation/inspiration. Thank you for pushing me when I'm stuck, or guiding me when I'm lost.
Thank you for a great year.
And let's make this one even better.

Here's to tuning in.
Bye-bye, 2012.
M.

NYE

= New years eve.

oh my

Stupid excess is stupid.
Stupid excess is so fun, sometimes! Like the daughters of the oligarchs roaming about, with fur coats and sparklers, in heels that are too high for the icy pedestrian paths and shouting WOOO! at every firework.
Stupid is good.
Stupid is free.

I have realised that I could have a quiet Christmas (obviously), a quiet birthday (2 years ago I nearly forgot it was coming), a quiet everything - but not New Years.
I'm not superstitious, and to be honest it is not a superstition, more of a personal premonition - I feel quite passionately about having a shiny, shimmery, sparkly, loud, silly-silly New Years Eve, with people around me and a buzz and glitter and, you know, the works.
I have sort of started telling myself that it almost preempts the kind of a year I will have.
And I like it.
I like having, if you would imagine, a person behind me on the hilltop, giving me a gentle push as I sledge down the hill, for more speed. That's what New Years feel like, that person.

So therefore.
Stupid is stupid.
And by stupid I mean SILLY.

Stupid is great.
M.