last year

I just revisited the writings pre-moving and also today, one year ago.


And this was quite the experience!Maybe I shouldn't be surprised that it was this emotional.

I mean, pre-moving I was terrified! I was absolutely petrified out of my mind.
I can so clearly tell just by the way I was writing, I was just somewhere else. Eyes pressed shut, so I wouldn't feel anything, not feel the fear, feel the uncertainty.
Wow...
I don't remember the feelings at all so I'm grateful to have the writings.


Today a year ago I was back home, and had been home for almost 2 months.
I wrote about finding balance, and surrounding yourself with the "right" people - the people who fan your flame and give you courage to fight your battles and take your chances.
A lot of which I was talking about I have accomplished, tenfold.
Some of which I was talking about - I am yet to do.

But I'm just.......truly shocked at how much more aware I am.
Of life, of the sensory and the mental, the spiritual and the aural. All of it.
I was just, under a layer of polyurethane foam (I'll add a photo).
Just, a non-feeling, non-honest entity.
And to think I was torturing my brain asking why the singing won't go like I feel it could have gone?
Well that is exactly the answer.
God, I would just like to give myself-a-year-ago a HUGE HUG!


This just goes to show that whatever you think that there is or is not in your life, things can change so so so very dramatically, for the better.

If you only have the courage to follow your heart, and accept the challenges.


We can choose, we can take the time to MAKE UP our minds!
There is no rush, there is only an opportunity to grow and develop.
Don't be scared, you will always have someone to cheer for you!
Just make up your mind, honest and loud and brave!
You can lie to anyone, just please not yourself.


Take time and realise that all choices are yours.


I love, and love, and love you.
Times are getting interesting.
I will fight for what I want, I will fight for what is mine.
I will fight my own voices telling me "I can't" or "I'm not good enough".
I will fight them and I will win.


But I will NOT settle.


Yours truly.
M.

Polyurethane foam, a photo.



And what I looked like then.
Exactly a year ago.

25

I AM.

It's my birthday today.

Happy birth day, to me.

I am thinking of the things I am, today.

I Am grateful.

I Am feeling like I'm really moving in the right direction.

I Am love, and I find love in so many places.

I Am trusting life.

I Am fluid.

I Am creative.

I Am making my opportunities.

I Am in motion.

I Am in motion.

I Am expanding.

I Am expanding my mind.

I have love for all of you.

Trust life.

See the bigger picture.

Serve Yourself first as the Master.

Ride the wave and give out Love.

So it will find it's way back to you.

Magic is something you make.

Love love love.

Yours truly.

M.

happy beginning

..of Autumn.

It has now officially started its absolutely unstoppable tour-de-force.

All I have for you is love and light and this.



Yours truly.
M.

‘As you walk and eat and travel, be where you are. Otherwise you will miss most of your life.’ ~Buddha

Earth Day

Yesterday was Earth Day, and I walked my little balls off.
No, like, really.
I walked a crazy amount yesterday.

In town, with some pastry, for a while.
Then kind of, late afternoon, for a long time. I walked into town, from home, took like an hour and a bit.
And then more just before going to bed.
A lot of walking.

But it was super nice, and very therapeutic. Me and Peter Gabriel had a marvellous time.
I mean, really.
Next time I have anything to solve, at all, or release or just get over, that is what I need to do.
Have comfy footwear, have Peter Gabriel in my little earholes and walk, walk, walk.
Besides, the weather was divine.
And the sun was setting.

And I enjoy finding unexpected places or see something really beautiful, or just striking.
This photo does not do it justice, but this sunset was amazing.
Even though it's some crappy parking lot that I have never even properly looked at.

Perpetual quest for balance.
I've always said this, always, for yeeears. And that has always been the thing.
And now I was dealt a superb card to test everything that I think I know.

But spring is here.
And beauty is all over the place.

So go explore.
M.

yoga

I really miss moving.
(Moving my body, not moving country.)

I go through periods of not doing anything at all, because I get too busy, or too stressed, or too this, or too that, blah blah blah, so basically periods of lots of crap excuses.

But I've got to the stage of just missing moving for itself. 
Moving, and yoga, and tea.

Little things.
M.

snow day II

So once again, it's snow-day. An actual snow day, even to a Norseman.
Sunday, the Snow Day.

I am declaring today No-sh*t-Sunday.
The reason for this is simple - I have some crap with the moving business.
But I'm learning from my own mistakes and I'm not going to preempt and go crazy over something that hasn't yet happened, even remotely.
So I'm going to wait and see till I hear some more, and then decide how to proceed.

But for now, it's absolutely the super-official No-sh*t-Sunday.

And I really want to dye my hair darker.
All in my plan of becoming a Nordic Warrior, you know.
Obviously.

So for now I'm drinking coffee, and apple-raspberry juice, watching some Kardashians and staring at the snow.
This day still has time to become useful.

Happy No-sh*t-Sunday.
M. 

boring

I'm currently bored, by myself. As in, "I" am boring "me".
Hahahaa, such a ridiculous statement! But I mean, really. I can't even like, begin to describe. To be honest, you must have quite a good idea since you read this blog. But you know.
I haven't worn anything but my tracksuit bottoms and a hoodie for I don't even remember how long.

Tomorrow is a day off.
I will take one day, and I will refuse to think about moving.
I'm gonna meet H. in town, and we'll do something fun, exciting, and un-boring!

Current total is 8 boxes, and around 75kg.

Later on I think I need a good-long full-works bath, and to just sit, and watch TV or something like that. Keep up with some Kardashians, or watch the new Grey's anatomy. Or do my nails, some beautifying routines anyway. Something to remind me that there's more to life than dusty boxes, and trying to figure out whether I desperately need this one specific thing in my life or not.

I feel like a sock.
No, thanks.M.

LDN

Yesterday was spent under the flag of getting here and then sitting. Quite literally, sitting.
I did start my packing - woo, look at me, not procrastinating! I give myself a point.

Today AEM and I went into town to meet one of his friends. Had some lunch, and then walked about for a bit, ending up in the Ice-cream parlour at Harrods. Yes, please. Had 2 scoops of ice-cream (can I just say, I LOVE ICE-CREAM) - one was orange-carrot-lemon (ish? it was delicious anyway) and chocolate and cookies. Yes, please x 10000000
Now I'm home cooking, and then some more packing.
I started making my "Goodbye, London" list today. You know, I was thinking about it the other day. That it was like not so long ago when I posted about thinking of moving and now it's actually happening. And I can't really believe it.
I mean, I'm very excited because this is so the right thing for me right now. Having said this, I'm so scared. I shall get over it, and embrace the excitement. And rinse this month dryyyyyyyy

And this is just soooo fitting with January being for "JUST DO IT". (More about this later)

All my love.
M.

growing pains

"No"vember is nearly finished.
And it's been a good month. A good month of many more to come.
I like the fact that it doesn't feel like a month just wasted, or time gone by. Because I find that so frustrating.
And I think the ball's rolling down the right slope. Scary, but exciting.
Like, unraveling, but then realising it's actually fine.

This is so tricky to write down, cause all of this is just so vague, and huge, you know?


So.
Growing pains.
It's not meant to be nice.
When do people stop growing?
I posted, a while ago, just this idea - when do people get too old to get lost.
Or like, when do people cross this barrier into adulthood that means no mistakes, no learning, no nothing. No growing.
Just nothing. Just repetition. Repetition of the same patterns, and same actions, and words, and people, and places. The same routine, and the same habits. The same signposts, and roads, and nooks and crannies, and no wonder, no surprise, no gawking at the miracle of life or staring into space thinking how is anything this wonderful. No chances and no fear.
Children are allowed to go through growing pains. You grow. It's what's meant to happen. Your bones, your teeth, your limbs, your lungs, your rib cage, your spine, your lips, your tongue, your fingers. Everything is stretched and distorted, beyond recognition.
The inconvenience of growing. Growing pains. But at the end of it, you're you.
When do we stop growing. Should we stop growing. Or is it just the fear of another set of growing pains? And then another?
People say you can't change. You don't need to. Just evolve. And let others evolve too.
Why should learning and shifting stop?

Growing pains. They indicate that something big is happening. Not that anyone's dying.
Just that big stuff is going down.

Embrace growing pains.
If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't affect you.
Wouldn't it be boring to stop growing in the early 20s? That you race down this highway of frikkin rainbows, and unicorns, and miracles upon miracles and then just stop?
How much more is there to find and discover?
Of course, this is not something that anyone has to do. It's something a lot of people don't want to do, which is fine. All of this is fine. Plenty of people are happy being comfortable, because comfort is nice, and this is logical and if it feels right, it feels right.
All I'm saying is, if it doesn't feel right, it's not right. It's not that you "are not made for this", or you are not "made" for big things, or the little things, or happiness, or sadness, or love, or adventures, or being happy in your skin, or being on someone else's skin. It's that you aren't there yet. But if you ask the right question, the answer always comes.
So many people get scared. I'm one of them. The front-runner of the Fear Regiment. Seriously. But so what? All of this is scary.
But I won't be one of the people who just stops.
Life's too short, and the world's too interesting.
And there will always be people in your life to give you something for your gums, or then pick you up when gravity doesn't aid your attempt at walking, or help you when you feel dizzy cause your blood circulation can't keep up with your body, or when you're changing so fast, you don't really know what to cling on to.
But there will always be people.

If you're honest, you will always find someone to tie you up.
Or in this case, if you're honest, you will always find someone to listen to you moan about the growing pains.

Because truth be told - it's fucking cool.
M.




“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

—	F. Scott Fitzgerald

sorting sorting sorting sorting

...sorting sorting.

What am I sorting, you ask? (Or maybe you don't, but I'm going to hope that you would ask, what am I sorting.)

Stuff, is the answer.
I'm stewing a secret plan, of returning to my homecountry (ES-TO-NI-A!) for some time.
I've lived in London for 6 years (with the 7th currently running). Which is a lot of time. Nearly a fourth of my life.
Crazy.
Absolutely crazy.

So now with various things here and there, and A. being SO international, and all the sweethearts at home, et cetera, I've found myself actively thinking about this.

So therefore, because I am a HUMONGOUS chicken-pants (direct translation from Estonian), and by that I mean HUMONGOUS, I thought that actions could turn themselves into words. Since I'm too scared to actually say it and therefore make it official, I'm simply sorting through everything. My pre-step to moving.
But I think it's working.

And I'm having fairly significant amounts of fun with this. Finding old things, trying on all of my clothes to see what stays, what goes. Old posters, and other bits and pieces.
With Energy FM pumping great club-beatz at me. This is an Estonian radio station, and they are great.
http://www.energyfm.ee/ (go crazy. great tidying, sorting, workout-ing, whatever-ing music.)

Here's a picture of all the rings I found, none of which I wear, ever.
But much like the 5-year-old that I am, I put them all on at once and felt great about this situation.

My room was so lovely this morning. Alas, this sorting business has taken a little longer than I expected.
So now, my haven has been turned upside down.
Sigh.
Not to fear, tomorrow I will valiantly finish this quest!

Chicken is sorting. 
M.