work

Okay, expansion of the same themes.

*Warning: If you are growing tired of my personal what-looks-like-moaning, then please, this post is most probably not for you. Sorry.*

Singing.
For the past years, and this only applies to Estonia, I have starting getting serious work anxiety.
This does not apply to performing - when I'm on stage life is a daisy and I do what I do.
However, the pre-work period is hell.
My language skills of any language are not good enough for explaining to you just how unpleasant this is.
I'm talking constant underlying panic and genuinely just wanting to projectile vomit, mainly.
It's tiring, and idiotic, and I've grown SO TIRED of this crap.

And also, these options do not work: think less. stop worrying about it. let it go. just get over it. cheer up. calm down.
My simple answer to these is - f_ck you. This is not a solution.
Surely, I am intelligent enough to have figured any of these out myself.
Anyone who has ever had similar troubles of Da Mind will understand this well.
And anyone who hasn't, "just cheering up" is not an option.
Sadly.

Anyway.
I've got work stuff coming up, and this is so boring, so I thought I'd write about this.
And maybe I'll feel better and I could actually do my work prep without wanting to cry and die with a heart rate of 3000.

The thing is, I don't give myself credit for what I do.
And instead of understanding that people what to get in touch with me because they like me and like what I do, I feel like. Like.
Like it's a negative thing.
Instead of "YAYYY look at these amazing work e-mails and calls AWESOME, I am good at what I do YAY work YAY passion HELLO happy hormones!" my brain has SOMEHOW (!!!??) opted for the option of "NOOOOOOOOO why WHY! i'm going to die, they hate me, everyone, AGAIN these emails and things, i can't pick up the phone i can't i can't, i want to hide away in a hole so no one can see me".
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what...
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Truly, it bends my mind.
I am a clever girl, and this only emphasises the stark understanding of just how ridiculous all this is.


Hello, dear Brain.

I am a big fan of your work.
However.
Could we somehow solve this issue and could you somehow give my central nervous system the Happy command upon receiving contact from interesting, inspiring people who want to give me work because I am excellent at what I do and doing it gives me great joy.
Lay off the Panic button.
You might be drunk.
(If this is the case, go sleep it off, and resume duty.)

Yours truly.
The person for whom you should be working for.
THANXXXX.



I have got SO many excellent and super cool things coming up Jeeesuuussss and I am dying under the weight of my..(what?)..panic? fear of?
Blah blah.
Get over it, something.
I want to feel like a rainbow, not a pit of snake poison acid thunder blizzard hole.

This is my mission.
Or those of you who watch the New Hannibal: "This is my design".
(I LOVE this show.)
Or it WILL be my design once I kick this asshole out of my life.
This is what is preventing me from being Italian.
Italian's don't deal with this bullshit.
They enjoy, life and love and music, and wine and BEING.
La vita Italiana.


Seriously.

Well.
I feel much better.
I need to get all cognitive-behavioral-therapy on my own ass.
I am yet to figure out the exact actions, but I understand that this is how I'll kick it.

Yours truly.

Absolutely always.

M.

dialogue

I must have more dialogue with myself.
I cannot go on auto-pilot, this does not work and is eventually truly truly destructive, and therefore also very counter-productive.
I need to stay present and need to stay mindful.


Lessons in life.


Also.
Gratitude second.
I cannot believe that Life has been kind enough to send my teacher my way.
It's so bizarre how the destruction and creation came from the same source.
Mystical, I tell you.
Mystical.


Happy Friday, everyone.
I'm home for a sec and then off to Keiu's for a dinner party.
Which is just about the loveliest of all plans.


I cannot cross the line where my need for personal space becomes involuntary detachment.
Learn, child.
And be happy in this Universe.
Everything else is blindness and a waste.

Learning myself and learning my boundaries.
What an interesting ride.



Love, to all of you.
Yours truly, always.
M.

break

So.

Where am I up to so far.

Spring is here.
And I plan to have May (and June definitely as well) as months where I don't worry about "the future". The ever elusive entity.

Months where I let the beginning of this year, all this so far, sink in, slowly and softly, steadily, and calmly.
Just. sink. in.
And this plan is solid.

I want to calm down.
I want to not-stress and I want to not-worry.


There's this idea swimming around at the moment of enrolling at the Academy here.
I wasn't sure at first but I'm really really warming to this idea.
I went out last night with Keiu, to this old shipyard, where house music legend Marshall Jefferson was hitting the beats.
The whole place looked amazing and the crowd was really excellent.
Really a different side of Tallinn and new to me.
And as I was there, dancing away, I thought of the Academy and all these other things I could do in Estonia.
And suddenly it just felt so right, and awesome, and excellent.
I've had my heart set on staying home for some time now, but I haven't really understood....the hows and whys and wheres and you know. The rest of it.
And now I feel like Reason has caught up with Intuition.
Welcome onboard, son!



I want to enjoy the fact that I'm alive, I want to enjoy that I have this mind and spirit and body, and I want to enjoy that I'm home and it's spring.

I want my insides to feel happy.

That's all.

Oh, and I want this dress below.
Thankxxx.

Peace out, all your lovely people.
Follow your own measures of right and wrong.
Necessary and unneccesary.
And when something doesn't feel right - DON'T DO IT.
When something is giving you crazzyyy fear or panic - DON'T DO IT.
Just stop for a bit, figure out what is causing you all this pain and suffering, and then carry on.
There is no deadline, no opinion or no anything more important and valuable than You and your health and your well-being.
Keep your heart strong, keep your heart happy and the rest will work itself out.
But with a fearful heart, with a sad heart you cannot get to the right things anyway.
Stop jumping over your own shadow.

Here's some photos of Slavic babes.

Love, always.
Yours truly.
M.

midnight

Hey, guys!!

Can I just start with saying that the past few days have been really truly wonderful!

First of all, a very unexpected message from a dear acquaintance and a colleague I reallly respect, then some super excellent baroque concerts, then some work meetings with like-minded people, talking about exciting ideas about new projects, and then another super lovely meeting.
It's so nice to receive a hand from the Universe when stuff gets really crap.
I'm so grateful for this pick-me-up.


So the storm has passed I think.


I'm looking forward to doing things.
And I'm feeling nice in my bones.
I don't have many thoughts to share with you this Friday night.
But what I can say is this - I'm feeling steady, and pleased, and happy about the way this energy is moving.

I'm throwing a bunch of stuff out tomorrow, dad's coming to help.
We're dropping them off at this second hand centre where they relocate your things and clothes to people in need.
I've filled a big IKEA bag and my big suitcase.

That's a lot of stuff.
A lot of stuff = a lot of new space.
And this makes me exited!

Upwards and onwards, let's keep our flames burning.


Tomorrow I am doing some shopping in town, I've got a charity concert on Sunday so I need some stuff for that. Then dad and getting rid of the clothes. Then I'm getting my nails done, I'm really starting to enjoy it! And then perhaps a little sunbed - the dress for Sunday is white.
So that's my very simple Saturday.

Love to all of you!
I'm grateful about feeling happy, I'm grateful for making new space and I'm grateful that I feel like I'm making progress.

Follow your truth.
Yours truly.
M.

1/04

Okay, so I'm trying this new thing.

And I present:
Working from home.



Basically, I have never been able to do this.
Home has never been a place for me where I can just calmly work (calm in terms of my inner feeling).
It's bizarre.
Working at home has made me so, jumpy is the word that comes to mind, and irritable.
And I'm really trying to change this pattern since town feels so loud.

I met the girls for lunch yesterday and stayed in the centre for about 5 hours.
(For comparison, I used to live in town, work in town, eat in town, town town town.)
So yesterday, I suddenly felt that it was too loud, too colourful, too busy, and TOO MUCH.
I came home and I realised how tired I felt, compared to how at peace I was at the fasting retreat.
This peace, birdsong, FRESH AIR, space to walk and move, grass and trees.
The things that make the world our world.
I felt like I had sat in a circus tent for hours - all this colour and movement.

So, back to my issue.
I wanna work.
If town is too loud, a simple deduction doesn't leave many options - home it is.

So I'm really gonna try this and untie this know that I have.

Work at home, since I can, and why not for now, you know? Just to come out of the post-fasting feeling of "too much".

So yep.
Home for now.
And so far, I'm sucking at working.


BUT.
This week following the fast is ALL ABOUT PATIENCE!!
This is realised yesterday.
The fasting itself takes so much patience, and now I'm back to the city-version of myself, the impatient, short-tempered one, who walks a little too fast, thinks a little too erratically.
So, coming out of fasting is the same - patience.
I want to live like that - patient.
I want to see myself like that - be patient.

That's all, happy Tuesday morning.
Peace out, all.

Love, always.
M.

tln

And so I'm officially back in Tallinn!

And writing on my laptop. Gosh, it's been so long!

So.
Happy Monday evening, everyone!

The three first concerts have gone extremely well.
Full houses and crazy great audiences.
And the program is so good, I absolutely love doing it.

Now I have 5 days till we have the next 3 concerts (2 on Saturday, one on Sunday) and then we're done!
It'll be so so sad!
I'll miss this bunch of people.
It has already been such a learning experience.

Seriously.
Life makes my head spin.
In the most wonderful way.
But I feel a little like a 5 year old who is spinning just a little too fast.
This feeling of great joy, and a little bit of fear, at toppling over.
But I guess even if my head starts to spin too much, and I do topple over, I will have people to gimme a hand, help me off the ground, and laugh it off.
So again, I always get back to this one point.
Fear is human.
Fear is natural.

Happy 3AM, everyone.
I've got too many thoughts.
Love to all of you.

Yours truly.
M.

end of the comfort zone

30.12.2013

Penultimate day of the year has just drawn to a close.

We were walking with the Spanish one earlier. We had finished eating some pasta with the pretty one, and I decided to get some nail polish base coat. And off we went.

And so we got to this crossing right in the centre of town, across the street from the main concert hall, Estonia.

Long story short, I nearly fainted I think, or had some form of heart failure moment, because our tour poster aka my face, was on the wall of the concert hall.

Here's a fact about my life.

I have dreamt of the day when I am up there for as long as I can remember. 

Honestly.

And I really think some base soul level something took place looking at it.

I thought I had some time till I got to that?

I don't know, it was just so out of the blue.

Some sort of homecoming, a completion again, to wrap up 2013.

Ridiculous joy, like unhingedly euphoric.

It was strange, to try and say the least.

So now I'm in the Spaniards bed, because this is not a night to sleep on my own.

I need security tonight and she is after all my soul-mum, or some sh*t like that.

What happens at the end of our comfort zone.

Something very peculiar.

Comfort, so called "comfort", becomes very very uncomfortable.

This crazy itch, to do something, the discontent with the Self.

Literally, ants in your pants, wanting "something".

Usually the remedy is to go out, get way too drunk for any human need and party h-a-r-d.

But it won't fix anything.

The only thing to fix any of this is Action.

The remedy is Doing.

Doing what is right for you, for your Soul-Self.

So take action.

And I need to take action.

The thing is.

Healing doesn't happen over night. 

It takes time, it's a decision you make every day.

A choice to let yourself be happy.

So choose right, choose kind, and choose honest.

As always, yours truly.

M.

last days of summer

Hello, 4th of September.
The nights have got really cold, but today was super nice.
So we were pretending it's still summer.

Happy pretend-summer.

Yours truly.
M.

tomorrow

Plans for tomorrow (to make sure I get my ass up, out of bed and actually do some stuff):

_Library (for some Nekrassov!)
_Buy a dress-bag
_And buy a map
_Throw some things in the wash

_Meet Pisces-no-2 and chill like actual villains, on a beach, with lady chats, and get my tan on
_Meet the Spaniard as soon as she reaches the boarders of the capital

_(And just so I wouldn't fall behind on life admin) check my e-mails....please.....no, seriously though..


_And think SUPER MANY happy thoughts.

Lists.
M.

today

Today is Wednesday.

Today I was sat at my computer in my home office (ha) writing work emails for 7 hours.
Not a joke.
Not a joke.
Also, in my PJs because I woke up and decided I had so much to do that getting changed would be a waste of time.
However, this means I got a whole big bunch of stuff done.

And now I'm going to town, to listen to some poetry by one of the guys who's singing at my Scaffolding gig.
And then the Spanish one and I will have our socks blown off by Samsara. (Google dat.)

Peace out, far and wide.
M.

PS: That's a lollipop. No joke.



PPS: We did a pretty excellent multi-media sex scene to this once. And it's also a SICK tune.

patience

i don't understand how much you should have patience or impatience?
i don't understand anything about that at alllllllllll
whuuuuuuuuuuuuut

This is hilarious!
I found this post draft, written on the 16th of March, so 2 months ago.
And this is just so current, still, so therefore, this is hilarious.

Patience.

But the good news is, I'm learning.
I think I'm really learning.
And there's so so much positive hope in that.

Learn.
M.

coat

Coat o'clock.
Happy coat, coatsters.

Coat.
M.

spring

Happy spring, guys!
1st of April always marks the actual arrival for me.
Even if the weather this year is really not communicating spring in any way, 1st of April means business.

And so, my sweets, I wish you a super 1st of April.
I hope you get nice jokes and pranks, that include getting chocolates, or compliments, or surprises.

Spring is coming, ride the wave, trust the process.

Peace and love.
M.

jenna

"This is just, something." (As described by A. But I really really agree.)

Jenna Marbles is known for her pretty brilliant Youtube channel, where she posts a video every Wednesday, about anything really, anything that she fancies.
She's always absolutely hilarious, and looks so positively full of life.
And this week her video was something very different.

Even if you don't follow her channel on Youtube, and you have 8 minutes, watch this.
I think it's worth a watch.
And a nice idea in itself.

Draw your life.
M.

pascal

This thing. I mean, this chameleon.
Like, seriously.

He is just another level of total, total bad-ass.

Also, just watch "Tangled". It's very good.
No, honestly.
Especially for a new-age Disney. It's very super.
Also, do you not like having a MEGA super braid? Obviously, with flowers in it.

Tangle.
M.

birthday

Tomorrow is my birthday.
I'm turning 24.

And I like it.
So, sleep tight, sweets.

With love.
M.

good times

And my happy food shop.

Found these old shots from LDN, but they are just so happy.

Yums.
M.

the pretty one

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

happy fox

Happy fox is happy.

Fox.
M.

sthlm

Reblogging these because they warm my heart.
And because I'm so going to visit STHLM very soon.

The other day, A. mentioned something about her "happy place".
And I decided that one of my very prominent happy places was following A. around the globe. Whether it's eating cheese in Zürich, or sitting on her floor in Basel, or sauna time in HEL, or crashing on her sofa, reciting soft porn and building furniture in STHLM.
Adventures, man. That's my happy place.

Nordic.
M.