I started this post exactly a year ago when we celebrated my 24th birthday. And I promised then to upload some photos of the celebrations, which I never did.
And since it's now been a year I feel it is entirely fitting to complete this.
So. Happy birthday, to me, for last year!
Question. What was I celebrating? What does anyone ever celebrate?
I think I was celebrating Home. Coming home, having done it, having lifted some part of something. Some ..inescapable situation, or feeling. I was celebrating, a victory of somekind. And it was really worth celebrating.
This idea of celebrations is heavily on my mind since I simply cannot understand why I'm so not there with this one this year. It's bizarre. I've always been a huge huge huge fan of birthdays. And now all of a sudden.
But I think I just really do feel in the middle of some processes, and it would be silly to claim any victories. I'll claim them next year - and Jesus, will I have victories then.
(PS. I don't want this to sound critical, as if I need to cut myself some slack. I am fully aware I've come so far, and some of the things are amazing already. Just when you have the steam, don't stop to admire the view. Use the steam. Heaven knows we don't always have it.)
I'm working through my old drafts. And this one I wrote in May.
I guess there was always gonna come a time for these thoughts.
I've always lived a very career-driven life. If life would've been a little different somehow, family would've been the thing to drive me. It was just such an unexpected feeling.
** ..And it was good for me to finally say it out loud, that I want a family, I want children and that I want to be a mother.
And then one of my Ones got pregnant, which literally shifted so many things.
So. All I'm saying is, I think giving life is a wonderful thing. A wonderful potential spinning at the very core of all things. A wonderful space, a potent void for SOMETHING, you know. Something where there was nothing. So therefore we can never really run out of hope, I think.
Magic. That is actual magic.
(I'm just going to carry on browsing my old post drafts.)
With the arrival of autumn, my annual feeling of being the most boring person in the country has returned.
So this has created my joint project with A. for turning on the outer swag. The pretty one suggested going on polyvore.com, which might change my life.
Also, just to be clear, this boringness is absolutely external. I don't feel interally boring. I just think I look ridiculously boring.
Also, adding some boyfriend jeans to my wardrobe. And using Kandee Johnson's videos to learn some new make-up tips.
Because this is where my head is at. And apparently I consider this very important.
And news - I'm going to HONG KONG! 25th of September for 2 weeks and it's like MADNESS in my mouth to even say it!
To make this official, I gave myself a new desktop background - HK skyline.
So far, I haven't left Europe. I've travelled a lot in Europe, but never got outside this continent.
I cannot even begin to slightly comprehend what this will be like. It will shift something, something necessary. I've got 5 weeks till we go, and plenty I want to do before.
This summer again has been fairly strange. And again, when I blog little, it means stuff's a mess. But what is mess for? Mess is for working through it. Which is what I'm doing.
I've got loads of pictures from the past few weeks, which I'll post soon. Most of my time I've spent with the Spanish one. I've decided to stay with her for a bit - it seems to be good for both of us.
Plenty will be done.
I've developed a thing for being a little chicken, again. I'm not entirely sure where this came from. 10 years ago, at the special age of 14, if someone would've asked me: Hey, Maria, how would you describe yourself in 10 years? I mean, cowardly would not have been one of the chosen words.
And it bores me, truly.
So, no more. Whatever.
Here's to travelling, here's to marvel and exploring and friends.
But for now, most of this is a mess. Still. Old patterns and stuff. But at the same time I'm trying to be mindful of this mess. And not think this is the way it's meant to be. But rather understand that I can change most things, all of us can. (And oh my, I didn't believe this a few years ago.)
Moving home has been truly glorious, but truth is, old context carries old habits. A lot of which I'm not interested in, at all.
I need to remember to always look outwards. (When it's not time to look inwards and only inwards.)
The weather is divine. I'm gonna go to my cousin's spiritual or just-Being place (whatever people need) and get my head straight. Then back to Tallinn and I've got a wedding I'm singing at, in this big church. So wonderful that. A wedding. Two people ACTUALLY being brave enough to do it. I have so much respect for that. Then later on I've got a super exciting meeting and the little opening of this low-key courtyard place.
A while ago I wrote about Mercury being in retrograde. This time around it's time for Pluto to have some fun. However, when Mercury's thing lasted a month, Pluto will have lots of funsies for 5 months and we're currently a month in. So.
As ever, I don't follow these things knowingly. I stumbled upon this and in retrospective the first month has absolutely been following this song and dance. Besides, these are all nice things and suggestions anyway, so why not.
The article's not very long, so if you've got a minute, look through it. If anything is of use, we all get a point. If not, no harm done.
Happy retrograde. M.
Me and E. spending a Monday night. Spanish one took the shot. Happy homeland times, one and all.
Whenever there's a gap in my blogging I can tell (and probably so can you) that it's a tricky patch. But my tricky patches used to last months, now it's a few days - YAY! I award myself a point.
But the main thing is that I'm moving, and things are moving. And as opposed to digging myself into a deeper hole (which we all love doing), I'm getting myself out of it. With the help of some trusty trusty, trusty friends. Shout-outs from the heart go out to: (in alphabetical order) A. E.
the Pretty one. And last, but so not absolutely no-frikkin'-way last, the Spanish one.
Thank you. I know I've said this to you each, at random times, but it's true. And I don't expect you to help me so I'd thank you and fall over in gratitude, but I am, so truly grateful. Because without friends like you I would never in a trillion years have the courage to do or decide the way I've decided. (So cryptic, ha!)
So. Happy Saturday to all of you. I'm off to see some friends.
So.
Nordic music is shifting the plains of my heart and soul right now.
Björk's "Bachelorette" is actually the first music video I remember seeing. Then I forgot about it for at least a decade, and then it made a comeback. I still can't put my finger on what was it about this video that literally burnt into my brain like acid. The colours and the cinematography, but something else. Maybe one day I'll figure it out. And Björk as a symbol, and Björk as a creative force. Or just a force of nature.
Sigur Ros just makes me really happy, and really sad (or maybe it's nostalgia?). And it makes me feel like snow. One of my friends once wrote somewhere that their favourite thing, or favourite music (can't remember) was listening to Sigur Ros on untouched snow. Actually it might have been some other band entirely. But that's beside the point. It makes me miss winter. Which is fairly rare, for the simple fact that if there's something I like less than autumn then it's a long, dreary winter. But Sigur Ros for some reason makes me miss all thing wintery.
Their music reminds me of a night when I was 15, going on 16 and it was I think the 20th of January, if I'm not mistaken, or something along those lines. That night I had attended my first rave ever, it was in a big warehouse and the blinded-by-the-first-love-of-my-lifetime-first-boyfriend was organising it with his friends. I was dropped home around 6am. And I walked home, with my mahoosive black winter coat that I still have and it makes me look like a bear-hunter. I was wearing some flamed DCs (?) and neon yellow gloves. And I had crimped hair. And so I walked home, across freshly-fallen icy, shiny snow. It was the clearest night I can remember in my life. The sky was so dark blue, like I was under a huge duvet. And the stars were all there. And my street looked like a Hollywood-set on a Sunday, so desolate, and peaceful. Like it was catching its breath. I used to live on the most beautiful street on earth. It was the smallest little street, so tiny that even taxi-drivers found it hard to locate. No one ever noticed it. A pedestrian and a car didn't fit at the same time. And that street looked good all through the year. I could probably cry human tears thinking of walking home from the bus stop, spring, summer, autumn or winter. It was just so sheltered and so beautiful in its small-small scale. And so I walked home that night, almost 8 years ago. It must have been around -25C, but I took my sweet time, because it was the most perfect walk home. And I was so - happy. There is no other word more fit to explain what I was feeling. Just steady peace and quiet happiness, at the fact that I was warm, I was calm, and I knew I was loved. And the snow. The streetlights were still working. And the air was just frozen in this serenity that only winter holds.
Sigur Ros remind me of this night. God knows why.
Sigur Ros remind me of home, and snow, and lots of space, and plains, just wide wide wide.
The sound of Lykke Li's voice does something very dramatic to my insides. It's hard to put a finger on or explain it, so I won't attempt either. But it does something. Literally shifts something. It moves me. Some things that do not usually move are moved, physically. Wounded Rhymes album is just another thing. That's all.
Homeboys. EWERT AND THE TWO DRAGONS. If you're not familiar with them (of course with the chance that you don't like this sort of music at all, but maybe you do), I really do recommend. The levels of musicianship are just crazy. CRAY-Z. I like EVERYTHING about this song. And I mean, EVERYTHING. Even the fact that the lead singer looks so much like one of my friends, which just makes the whole experience so much better.
