work

Okay, expansion of the same themes.

*Warning: If you are growing tired of my personal what-looks-like-moaning, then please, this post is most probably not for you. Sorry.*

Singing.
For the past years, and this only applies to Estonia, I have starting getting serious work anxiety.
This does not apply to performing - when I'm on stage life is a daisy and I do what I do.
However, the pre-work period is hell.
My language skills of any language are not good enough for explaining to you just how unpleasant this is.
I'm talking constant underlying panic and genuinely just wanting to projectile vomit, mainly.
It's tiring, and idiotic, and I've grown SO TIRED of this crap.

And also, these options do not work: think less. stop worrying about it. let it go. just get over it. cheer up. calm down.
My simple answer to these is - f_ck you. This is not a solution.
Surely, I am intelligent enough to have figured any of these out myself.
Anyone who has ever had similar troubles of Da Mind will understand this well.
And anyone who hasn't, "just cheering up" is not an option.
Sadly.

Anyway.
I've got work stuff coming up, and this is so boring, so I thought I'd write about this.
And maybe I'll feel better and I could actually do my work prep without wanting to cry and die with a heart rate of 3000.

The thing is, I don't give myself credit for what I do.
And instead of understanding that people what to get in touch with me because they like me and like what I do, I feel like. Like.
Like it's a negative thing.
Instead of "YAYYY look at these amazing work e-mails and calls AWESOME, I am good at what I do YAY work YAY passion HELLO happy hormones!" my brain has SOMEHOW (!!!??) opted for the option of "NOOOOOOOOO why WHY! i'm going to die, they hate me, everyone, AGAIN these emails and things, i can't pick up the phone i can't i can't, i want to hide away in a hole so no one can see me".
...
....
..
..
....
.
..
....
..
...
.
....
...
..
what...
..
....
..
...
...
..
..
Truly, it bends my mind.
I am a clever girl, and this only emphasises the stark understanding of just how ridiculous all this is.


Hello, dear Brain.

I am a big fan of your work.
However.
Could we somehow solve this issue and could you somehow give my central nervous system the Happy command upon receiving contact from interesting, inspiring people who want to give me work because I am excellent at what I do and doing it gives me great joy.
Lay off the Panic button.
You might be drunk.
(If this is the case, go sleep it off, and resume duty.)

Yours truly.
The person for whom you should be working for.
THANXXXX.



I have got SO many excellent and super cool things coming up Jeeesuuussss and I am dying under the weight of my..(what?)..panic? fear of?
Blah blah.
Get over it, something.
I want to feel like a rainbow, not a pit of snake poison acid thunder blizzard hole.

This is my mission.
Or those of you who watch the New Hannibal: "This is my design".
(I LOVE this show.)
Or it WILL be my design once I kick this asshole out of my life.
This is what is preventing me from being Italian.
Italian's don't deal with this bullshit.
They enjoy, life and love and music, and wine and BEING.
La vita Italiana.


Seriously.

Well.
I feel much better.
I need to get all cognitive-behavioral-therapy on my own ass.
I am yet to figure out the exact actions, but I understand that this is how I'll kick it.

Yours truly.

Absolutely always.

M.

right now

This is what I want.

And this is all if I'm honest.
All the work and projects and ideas, nope.
I want to be topless, somewhere in Italy, drinking wine on a balcony.
Or by a pool.
Or whatever.
That's what I want.
I want some Italian man with a love of opera to call me "bellissima" and that's it.
That is all.

Thanks, byyye!

Yours truly.
With love.
M.

fasting

For starters, can I just say this fasting process is amazing, and HARD.

I've been thinking of posting something the entire time I've been here but I don't even know where to start.

Or how to start.

Today is day4 so tomorrow is the last one and then we leave.

I feel like I came here a lifetime ago. Time completely loses meaning when you don't measure it like we're used to.

No meal times, no duty times, no meetings.

You just Are.

I've realized how much I use food to claim control over something, life I guess.

When something doesn't go right, I eat - something that I Want.

When I feel this or that or the other, I eat - again, something that I Want.

And this is an endless cycle of utterly fake self-gratification.

It leads to nowhere.

Just your system ending up carrying so many toxins which it most certainly does not need.

Same with drinking, smoking.

Unnecessary pollution if we're honest.

So now I'm here, sat on my bed.

Last time I ate was Tuesday night. (Which by the way sounds ridiculous, to me!! And even more ridiculous is the fact that my body is 100% fine!!!)

My mind feels alert, it is easier to breathe and feel and connect.

I've walked in the woods and the fields behind this farm house where we are staying. I've read books, many of them, I've meditated and I've danced, and I've felt easy.

And then - this feeling comes back - the anxiety of life, what about this, what about that, what about these expectations and those rules or deadlines et cetera et cetera et cetera...... The list is endless.

But I really do not want this.

I want to live a life where the process is the true joy. 

I listened to some music yesterday and danced a little (not too much because I would not have the energy - downside of fasting) and it was so amazing, just to be able to do that.

I've definitely found some peace, which was so desperately necessary and there is space now - space for new life, in my insides, my brain cells, my thoughts.

Having had Pisces here is such a help. This is not something I would want to do on my own right now. Maybe at some point in this life, but not now.

So - I've drank probably twice my body weight in fresh birch and maple tree "juice". I've released some fear. I've slept a lot. I've emptied my insides (not the nicest part of fasting). I've had two massages. I've sat in the sauna every night. And I've definitely spent two lifetimes of just enjoying the moments. The weather has been a godsend and spring is in full gear.

Just to say - if I would have come here to diet or lose weight or whatever, this would be hell on earth, truly, no jokes.

The only way and I mean the only way to fast is when you feel a meaning - you find something you want to resolve and release or purify or cleanse, something that has hurt you or confused you or made you feel lost or down or anything! The list goes on but you get the point.

Because your body will be a little off-track at times, and then you say "I'm cleansing you", "I'm purifying you", "I'm releasing anger from my mind", "I'm making new space".

And it works, you carry on and the process keeps developing.

I love you all, as ever.

I don't want to stay in the dark, guys, I really don't. 

I don't want to fear some random bulls*t and I want to feel Light and free.

So that's me, almost post-fasting.

This is about endurance, doing what's good for me, and not always peeking at the easy way out - with this kind of work, there are no shortcuts.

God it's hard, and god it's good.

Yours truly.

Love, always.

M.

LIFE MOMENT

So.

The other day in rehearsal.

I had a proper life moment.

I love having moments of clear realization or understanding about things.

And my thing at hand was my voice.

Point is.

We've had two concerts now, and it's UH-MAZING.

Seriously.

It's going so well.

I can't even.

Crazy.

So now I'm back in my room, I'm staying in the theatres quarters, watching National Treasure 2. 

I have some lemonade and a KitKat.

This concert is so cool.

It's just an incredible program and I love the people and just yep.

I am one happy cat.

Seriously.

Happy birthday, to everyone.

And good night.

I love you all.

Yours truly.

M.

giving life

I'm working through my old drafts.
And this one I wrote in May.

I guess there was always gonna come a time for these thoughts.

I've always lived a very career-driven life.
If life would've been a little different somehow, family would've been the thing to drive me.
It was just such an unexpected feeling.

**
..And it was good for me to finally say it out loud, that I want a family, I want children and that I want to be a mother.

And then one of my Ones got pregnant, which literally shifted so many things.

So.
All I'm saying is, I think giving life is a wonderful thing.
A wonderful potential spinning at the very core of all things.
A wonderful space, a potent void for SOMETHING, you know.
Something where there was nothing.
So therefore we can never really run out of hope, I think.

Magic.
That is actual magic.

(I'm just going to carry on browsing my old post drafts.)

Be kind.
With love.M.

An illustration from a book of songs.

dreams

We don't need to know what we're good at to dream.
Maybe these crazy dreams we get every now and then are there to show us what we would be good at.
If we'd just give ourselves a chance.

Maybe that's what the dreams are for.

Take them seriously.
I mean, we gotta for it to work, you know?

Goethe on öelnud: "Sel hetkel, kui inimene ennast millelegi täielikult pühendab, tuleb appi ka Ettemääratus. Juhtuvad kõiksugu asjad, mis muidu poleks juhtunud, terve sündmuste vool, mis toob inimeseni kõik ettenägematud juhtumid, kohtumised ja abi, millest poleks osanud unistadagi." - See more at: http://alkeemia.ee/artiklid/Unistamisest/l-5/c-1280/#sthash.LfbzKGEe.dpuf

Goethe has said: The moment when an individual commits themselves to something whole heartedly, predetermination steps into play. Allsorts of things start to happen, that otherwise wouldn't have, a whole flow of events, that brings unforeseen happenings, meetings and help, that one could not have dreamt of.

Goethe.

Yours truly. 

M. 

first

First morning, and first evening.

Let this year unravel.

Exactly two months till I turn 25.

And I have every intention of taking this by the balls.

Let this year bring Light.

Imma sleep now, last night was madness, today was Joy and now I'm just calm.

Good night, darlings.

Yours truly.

01.01.2014

M.

the flood

After me comes the flood.

Peter Gabriel still on my mind.

So the week coming up.

First of all, Monday through to Wednesday I've got lessons with a new teacher, this Italian man. 

So let's all keep our fingers crossed and hope that this is Jesus sending another literal Jesus my way.

This would be marvelous.

I really seek a Teacher.

Not only in terms of singing but in any walk of life.

I seek advice and council and above all - inspiration.

I seek inspiration in this life.

Then there's also 5 gigs next week, one of which is the opening of The Tour.

Omg omg omg programs omg programs omg.

Omg.

So that's my week coming up.

Literally one week.

Sunday to Sunday. 

Wish me luck.

I will of course keep you posted.

With love.

Yours truly.

M.

days

These are the days of miracle and wonder.

Human kindness is over-flowing, I think it's going to rain today.

These quotes mean only one thing, and one thing alone -

Peter Gabriel.

You are on and in my mind.

Today was a good nothing-day.

Tomorrow will be only a little bit useful.

It's incredible what you get when you face a fear, and let it go.

Just let it fade into nothing, and fill your holes, so nothing drains out in secret.

Absolutely spine-chillingly incredible.

The process is tiresome and wears you 

out and wears you down, but so what?

Challenge is good.

All of it is good.

And the sooner we realize that the better for our lives.

And also - doing the work with yourself and your life, means keeping doing the work.

That's why it's a process, because it doesn't stop.

I don't think you arrive at Bliss Station and call it a day.

The Bliss is the Process.

It's the continuing process of development.

And that's where the peace lives.

But it doesn't stop.

Flows as fluid as life.

Balanced, but super alive.

Universe and love.

Yours truly.

M.

4 days

What a ridiculous life, let's be honest.

And how much happens in 4 days, quite honestly.

Weird and wonderful at the same time.

So now it's the time for grace and gratitude, and hard work and concentration. And focus.

And creating self-stability.

Within the self and for the self and from the self.

Because balance is the key to all of it and the greater lesson behind the unnoticeable ones we are dealt all the time, every day.

So balance your seas.

I've really not had enough sleep lately, so I decided tomorrow I was just going to take a day to myself.

Sleep in, get my affairs in order, get MYSELF in order, do some laundry, sort a little, and the rest, you know?

No actual things, just the fillers, which are so necessary sometimes.

And I'm looking forward to just waking up to an empty schedule - divine.

Again, I have so much love for you all.

Inexplicable, and quite common lately.

Weird and wonderful again.

The only thought I really want to leave you with, is Accept the Good you are Given.

Yours truly.

Good night, darlings.

M.

evening

So, today has been an interesting one.

Superb wintery weather.

Tomorrow is one for music things and singing things.

Right now I'm occupied with white wine and gherkins.

Trying to stay calm amidst everything that is happening right now.

Things are just moving very fast.

In a good way.

But very very fast.

I would like to have an evening at Spaniards, tomorrow. Sleep over with Pisces.

This weekend is going to be crazy busy. 

So I have to really stick with the girls, to keep grounded. 

Deed of the day: bought my cat a new scratching post.

He is so happy.

Work on ourselves, work on ourselves, work on oursves.

Till the cracks are gone.

And nothing leaks out.

This is the goal.

This is the aim and the mission for the near-future.

The true goal.

So let's get stuck in, deep and straight and true.

I send you Love, and Light.

It's time to work a little harder.

M.

Post interview today.

Smiling is nice.

 

done

This week is finally over.

I'm so pleased.

Re-cap.
Did some TV recording stuff, then some rehearsals, put together a programme for this school/education concert thing, had two of those on Friday, also saw some theatre, had some interesting emotions, and consequential thoughts, then a great catch-up with M-L, and then a good night out.
And it's done, and I'm so so pleased.

Onto the next one.

Love.
M.

..

Hey, kids!
It's mee.

So, for starters, here's my packing list for HK, written by A.

Neil's packing list for Neverland.

Underpanties

Hot shit bikini

Trainers and hiking shizzle

Shorts (2?)

Daytime lol tops (Scott Disick better be coming)

Family dinner clothes, playsuit is fine for this or whatevs but you know what this entails. 

OUT OUT FUN FUN. Shorts and top are very acceptable. 

Flip flops or some kind of daytime shoe…flip flops are best choice

Heeeeeels!

Something slightly warm for restaurants, cardigan or jacket or something

All the make up things

I'll bring my crimpers

Straightener for CURLY FUN?

PJS and maybe leggings for comfort evening

Sunglasses

Errr

Supremely comfortable things to travel in

Firstly, I love this list. Huge amounts.
This is what tomorrow and Tuesday will hold for me. Getting all these things picked out, washed, dried, and placed inside a suitcase.
Nice and neat.
Wednesday will be my first ever, proper connecting flight.
9.30pm TLN-HEL
11.40pm HEL-HK

Life currently.
Is odd.
I don't talk about these periods very well (I don't talk about many things well, maybe that's why I like writing), so I ask for your apologies in advance.
The truth is, I've let myself down.
I allow myself to fall into these very destructive patterns, and only realise once it's slightly too late.

There are so many good things around me right now, and I should spend every day being grateful for them, as opposed to letting these things go unnoticed.

I've got so many opportunities that just wait for me to work at them and make them happen.
I'll just give myself some credit, because these instances have got shorter, which is divine.
They used to take whole chunks out of my life.

Just kind of, gone. Written off.
But I've done the work, or I guess I'm trying to do the work, so it's getting better as we go.

I don't want to not write.
I don't want to not focus.
I don't want to shut down.

I don't want to become distance.

And for the sake of these things, I work, and I learn.

Lately I'm feeling so many things, I'd like to somehow keep track.
Not necessarily of each and every one, but feel a bit more, detached I guess.
Otherwise it's like, I'm dragged along behind them.


Here's a photo from this 2nd hand sale yesterday.
I found the Perfect Parka for 4 euros.
And I got this awesome ring for 80 cents, and 2 Christmas Surprise jumpers for me and A.

Yours truly.
M.

Can we also just appreciate the fact that when I took this photo for A. to show her my parka, I had slept 4 hours, by photography time at roughly 1pm, I'd had this make-up on for 16hours.

projects

So.

Time to talk projects soon, darlings.

This autumn season.
The season is coming.
The Season of Work Things And Stuff.

Autumn used to have a very very, very, specific meaning.
Autumn used to mean knowledge, lots of it.
A huge intake of knowledge.
And then people.
And sometimes new people, sometimes old people.
But people.
And structure.
Autumn used to mean structure.
And knuckling down. Real hard.
Like, real real hard.
Like, working-butts-off territory.
Only the past few years this pattern has changed.
I used to look forward to that kind of an autumn.
I remember the feeling.
The "School Feeling".
I used to get excited, about autumn, and the smell, and the new pencil case, and paper blocks, and you know.
Developing, growing.
Getting smart.
The idea of getting smart.
Getting better.
And the idea of getting better.

So yes, this is why I liked autumn.

But now I fear it.
I don't know where this association came from, but somehow over time I developed a fearful view of autumn.
The dying, the decay, the cold, and mist, and fog, and stuff.

I'd really like to script myself an Autumn-Winter '13 season that I'll love.
Using all these ideas, of improvement, of knuckling down and getting smart.
Learning.
I guess I've forgotten how much I love learning.

I mean, I really do.

So.
Gotta work at this.

I might actually find some photos.
Or like, a school time photo.
I seriously liked it.
And I've forgotten.

Yours truly.
M.

AUGUST

And so with the Arrival of August, it's time for one of these.
(I started this last November, when I decided to pick a theme for each month, so I could monitor my progress in whatever field a little easier. I haven't done this in a long while, but I feel it's time. I want to have this month by its ovaries.)

And so, without further ado.
"A is for."

ARMASTUS. (love, in Estonian.)

Art. More time for the things that make me tick. My positive triggers. Creating something, sharing interesting ideas with people. More art. Watching or doing or whatever. Just, art.

Affairs. (...IN ORDER. I've postponed sorting a whole bunch of stuff, since I am still of course the self-proclaimed Queen of Procrastination Nation. However, since I'm increasingly getting fed up with this title it's really time to turn over a new page. And re-titled myself, something like, Crown Princess of Productivity? Anyway, you get the general idea.)

All-together.
Armour.
Alive.


Advice. I really have to learn how to understand when to ask for advice. I like to be a Know-it-all, but sadly, let's be honest, that's bullsh*t. No one knows everything. Besides, it's a lot more work figuring out something yourself, when I could simply ask. Why re-invent the wheel, eh?

Admit.

Assignment. I haven't challenged myself in a long while, so I think it's time for assignments. Whether it's fitness stuff, or just afore-mentioned getting my "affairs" in order, et cetera. Point being - I need goals, I need assignments.

Acceptance.
This one is important!
And goes out for everyone else as well as myself.
Plant alllll the seeds of acceptance, that you are worthy.
Of all the good stuff there is in the whole wide world.
We deprive ourselves of the chance of success and succeeding so often, saying "we can't do it anyway", even before we've made the first tiny step.
So please, you, and you, and me as well. Let's accept ourselves for exactly what we are and accept the fact that we are worthy, of all the good.

Absolute.
Admiration. (Admire stuff! The world, the weather, the clouds, pretty things, ugly things, interesting things, people, matchboxes, cool flowers, food, and rain, and yourselves, and your friends. Admire. The more admiration you plant into the world, the more you'll convince yourself that this is a Divine place to live in.)

Always.
Always.

Arrive.
Arrival.
Arrivals. Don't be scared to leave places and go explore. Arriving is awesome.

Animation. Same as admiration really. Live with animation. There's not much point in holding back. If you REALLY like something, say it, feel it and share it. Laugh too loud and jump too high.

Appreciation! Of yourself, of what you have. Appreciation and gratitude are too things most useful and most beauty-making.

Abundance.

Aloud.

Approval. (We seek for it, from our parents, our friends, the society, our employer, la la la, so on. What about yourself? Do YOU approve of the person you are? Do YOU approve of the things you do? So please, earn your own approval. And again, this goes straight to myself as well as for all of you who might need this.)

Aims. Aiming.

Alight. Set yourself alight.

Amazement.
AMAZEMENT.
Follow the amazement.

“Stay close to anything that makes you glad you are alive.”

—

Hafiz

So this is all I have to say about August.
This is the kind of month I want to have.

Most important thing is, that whatever you want to Accomplish (...just in case you missed the fact that this was an "A" word..), be mindful about what you are doing for it, and give yourself a clear structure of how to get to this.
This might be a state of living, a job, a state of a relationship, or a state of mind for you and you alone.
Point is, make sure you give yourself what you want.
If you won't, no one else will.
(I'll try to remember this.)

So, here's one to the beginning stage of a glorious month!

Happy August!
M.

Viggo Mortensen

Maria's inspirational men, number 3.
At least.













And so ladies and gentlemen.
Let's look at Viggo.

Son of a farmer, spent his childhood everywhere - Venezuela, Argentina, Denmark.
In addition to acting, he is also a poet, a photographer and a painter.
After graduating from university in the States, he moved back to Denmark, driven by a need for a defining purpose in life. During this time he worked some odd jobs, including dock worker, truck driver and flower seller.
He speaks English, Danish, Spanish, French, Swedish and Norwegian.
He is a super horseman.

Oh, he is also a jazz musician.

The versatility, the languages, the quality of his work, the films.
I just find him so awesome, so talented and warm.

Viggo.
M.

"Life is short... I like to pay attention while I'm going through it. Whatever I see, like anyone else, I'm going to filter it and create my own idea of what it is. - on painting, creating music, writing poetry, and taking photographs in addition to acting."

water for the thirsty

I had the most amazing conversation yesterday.

I met up with the pretty one, for a catch-up, as we do.
And then we started talking about her work stuff, which doesn't happen very often.
But we somehow got onto the topic and I asked her to tell me stuff.

And there I was, sat next to one of my dearest and closest friends, and had my mind blown to stardust.
The way she was talking about her work things, her ideas, the way she carries them out, her focus, the impeccable focus and dedication.
It was just absolutely incredible.
I don't remember the last time I was that inspired by anyone.

And I just sat there, thinking, "what a Marvel of a Woman".

That clarity of thought absolutely hit me in the face, like a ton of angel bricks or something.

And I mean, we spend so much time together, all the time, and chat so very much.
But somehow we've never had a conversation quite like this.
Just before meeting up yesterday, I had a chat with Pisces-2, saying that I lack focus.
And then this conversation followed.
It's just like I had been looking for water, sitting next to a well.

What a marvellous human being.

And the thing is.
With all the business talk, and the "idea" what a "true" business woman "should" be like, she is genuinely one of the nicest people I know, in the whole world.
Just the kindness and generosity knows no bounds or measure.
As a human, as a friend.

Seriously.
I was so inspired by this conversation.
The focus of thought.
If I would have 10% of the clarity she has, I don't even know where I'd be.

Glorious.
I am so grateful this happened.
So grateful that I have her in my life.
All I need to do now is apply this, grab it by the reigns, and apply this.


I have to be honest with you.
None of what I've written is forwarding just how much the conversation moved me.
In some strange way.
But yes, I'm really not doing it justice.


In addition to this I realised I'm turning 25 next March.
Since I decided to live to a 100 years, this marks the first quarter.
And it's always been a thing for me for some reason.

So.
Focus and clarity.
If it doesn't nourish your soul, get rid of it.
Whatever you can come up with that you want to get to, you can get to.

And keep the people who fan (the f_ck out of) your flame!

Back
on
track

With so much love.
M.

lonely-cat time

Someone's having a PROPER party somewhere in our apartment building.
IT'S SO COOL!
One of them has a guitar and they are singing soooo many well known folky songs.

And so it's Friday night..

And UGH.
Whatever.

I was gonna write about stuff, but now I'm just over it.

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

Wtf.
For no reason.
So fun.

But as always, I'm working on it, roots up, to really get rid of it.
And as always it's a lack of personal TLC time.
Always is.
And the response is always to turn to external fire extinguishers, but I'm really trying.


So instead, here's a photo of my breakfast this morning with the Spanish one.
She's been gone about a second and I really miss her. Ridic.
We so did not finish our chats today.

Her's is the omelette, mine's the pancake (with fresh strawberry jam, not ketchup).



The gig tonight was another full house.
On our way to TLN I really thought I was gonna go into town, with the Pisces-2.
But then I got a bad case of a guilty conscience - gig tomorrow, should rest, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

blah
blah
blah
blah
blah

Bottomline.
Now I'm home, thinking WHERE IS MY PARTY.
Where are the people I want to see?
UGH.

Anyway.

The point is.
It's a messy night.

They keep getting sparser and sparser.

And I really, really wish one day they'll stop coming.

WHEREISMYPARTY.

F_k YOU, conscience.
M.