life

It's 0:26 right now, I'm in bed watching Twin Peaks, feeling like crap.

My voice is gone.

Why.

God this annoys me.

Something is clearly lurking somewhere and I can't find it.

Something is clearly troubling me, and it's showing in my voice.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Concerts coming soon. 

Where is excitement.

Upwards and onwards.

I do love you all.

With love.

M.

writing

Why am I not writing?

If I'm 100% honest with you, this really really actually and honestly does worry me.

It's not one of those oh-I'm-not-in-the-mood things.
It's weird this.

Why am I not writing?

Why does it feel like there's nothing to say?


Desire versus value.
Let's let this sink in.
Let's let this enter the conversation.

Desire vs value.

I'm tired, and scattered.
But as ever.
That which is scattered can settle once more.

But for now, I can enjoy the luxury of taking it slow.

Yours truly.
M.

to my dear london

As I was walking from the plane through the Heathrow terminal towards the baggage reclaim, on the 11th of January 2013, I realised this was the last time I would be landing in London, for some time.
And then I got to thinking of reasons. Not that I need to, but it just happened. Reasons, and past times spent in London, and what I've gained here, and how this place has shaped me.

I arrived in London on the 2nd of September 2006. Spent 2 days in town and the quite literally headed for the unknown in Chigwell School which was the beginning of my road to independence.
I was always an independent young person growing up but there is only so much independence you can get whilst still living with your parents.
The school wasn't opened so it must have been a weekend. No, actually, I think we all arrived 3 weeks before the start of term, to get settled in.
I remember loving the house, seeing the house cat and struggling to sleep the first night. I used to be really very scared of darkness and therefore sleeping in unfamiliar places was a huge task. One which I didn't manage that night.

This was the beginning of two of the absolute best years of my life. I worked so hard, got so many friends, gained so so much ..everything. Just life experience.
Also, did a lot of less deep and meaningful things like, lots of football, eating cake, latenight chats with the boarding house girls who became my sisters, especially one of them, free long-distance phone calls, trampolining, playing polo in the swimming pool, watching sports in the big boarding house for boys, having 2 great house parties - and I mean great - and wearing suits and ties to school.

This was also the beginning of a process through which I would actually get to know myself. I was used to performing by this point so handling pressure was not the problem.
(Ps, I would usually apologise about how 'tacky' this is, but not tonight. I'm sat in my empty room, in a house full of my friends, who happen to be asleep. It's 1:23am and I'm blogging because this seems to be the best idea of how to say goodbye.)
However, living abroad, away from my family and friends at 17 was quite something, and something I am intensely proud of. For some people similar experience might be easy, easier than getting up and singing in front of a lot people, for example, but for me this was hard.

6,5 years on and I realised something standing on the escalator at Heathrow terminal.
I've racked up some serious air miles. I've flown back and forth between London and Tallinn for roughly 55 times and somewhere in between all this I've found me.

Feel free to sigh and roll your eyes a little, but honestly, I can't explain this any other way. It's like I landed here, already a grown human, having worked and having had responsibilities for so long. But in retrospective it feels like, I came here and I grew up, I grew down and then I re-grew. I literally at some point must have decided - hey this is not you, now change. Take all these things that are broken, or misplaced, or wrong, or make you sad, and face them, do something about them. Take the bits and re-work yourself.
Because it's not like I don't have the time.
We all have the time.

And now, 6,5 years on I am sentimental at the thought of what I've gained here, and what I'm leaving here.
Somewhere on the football pitches in Chigwell I got a bit closer.
Somewhere in a dark corner of the Studio Theatre at Royal Holloway, I found something.
And somewhere in the cracks of the Covent Garden pavements.
Somehow in the freeing air of the big city atmosphere I realised in order to grow up I need to grow down.
Somehow I was lucky and blessed enough to find people in this city who inspire me, again and again and again, people who change me and challenge me.
People who would sit up till early morning hours to look after me, and people to look out for me.
People who for some reason really care about whether I will get to places in this life, and would help me get there.
So I'm sat here, very happy and very sad, and as excited as I am anxious. And proud and grateful and blessed.
I am so thankful for the steps that lead me here and for the ones that will lead me home.

I love you, London. And for being my Adventure Land you will forever have my respect.


I think I'm ready to go for the next step now.
And oh holy heavens, it's as exciting as it is scary.


And that, is truly magnifique.

I'm going home.
With love.
M.

exhausted

Pretty simple - I'm exhausted.
Of this packing stuff.
Of thinking what I'm going to do with my life.
Of not knowing when I can move. Of not knowing when I can fly home.
Of not knowing anything apparently.
Just, no.

F*CK
THIS
SH*T

Night-night.

With love.
M.

flowers

Good morning!

Hardly moring, but oh well. My porridge, Classic FM and I are having a great time.

And today I'm going to (London-)town with AJ, for some tea at this place (http://www.camelliasteahouse.com/) and a little snowy walk in town.
I've spent way too much time indoors with boxes.

Last night was gamenight. We played 3 games of "Reis ümber maailma" which means "Trip around the world". And it was brilliant.

The other day I had flowers in my hair, and had the most fun-inducing pony-tail.

I hope you're having a good day.
And if you can - play in some snow.

With love.
M.



By Andreas Wonisch (2010)

my corner of the world

Would be something like this.

PS. I've been so off blogger for a few days. I usually blog late at night but I've now got myself a week-long gym membership thing (too cold for outside, too little space inside) and whenever I get home I'm just so exhausted.
But I'm getting back on that train!

So, yes. My corner of the world.
This image below is literally the space I would want to live in. Only I would change the Mediterranean map for a similar style world one. It even has an M on the cupboard! I mean, really.
The wooden floors and the floorspace. This is just so perfect.
And the one below that just simply states what I think life should be like. Whether Einstein said it or not is irrelevant (knowing internet quotes he probably didn't). But I do like a whole lot what it states.

Have a good day.
M.

breakfast

I stayed over-night at E's. Which meant getting up with her, which meant getting up at 7AM.
Okay, for those of you who have actual jobs that follow an actual schedule, this won't sound ridiculous.
However, I don't have that schedule. Last time I would've followed something like this was school. And not even my banterous London highschool days, but we're talking back before 2006.
Also, I'm not one of the early-bird people, I don't think. I like being up late. But then again, everything's a habit. Regardless of whether this is habitual or natural, I'm not a morning person.

Due to all of these reason, this morning is absolutely out of the ordinary. The 7am, the 8.50 breakfast and you know. The fact that I feel like I've been awake for quite some times at 9.40 (when I wouldn't usually be even up yet).
I'm sat in this place called Reval Cafe right in the heart of Tallinn. Some trivia for ya: Reval is the old name of Tallinn.
And I've had an omelette which was great and some green tea, infused with some fruity stuff, I think.

So there you go.
My breakfast time, in town, early morniiiing.

And as always I'll say, I will do this more often, and as ever, I won't.

But I'm always really hopeful.
M.

(y'know, just chilling with some limestone walls, some tea, and my trusty, trusty reindeer.)

enough

i've been chewing, and chewing, and chewing AGAIN this personal statement. again, and again.

so, i've decided to go from an A4 to 5 sentences.

I live for opera theatre.
I have a career spanning over 15 years.
I'm talented, hardworking and I look good on stage.
I think your course and myself would have the most fruitful time together.

With love,
you-may-call-me La Listra


THOUGHTS?
4am banter.
M.



i want to finish this thing.