choose

“Choose the positive. You have choice, you are master of your attitude, choose the positive, the constructive. Optimism is a faith that leads to success.”

—

Bruce Lee

stupid

Okay, this is ridiculous.
It's time to stop being stupid and focus.

Feeling lonely is boring.
Feeling crappy is boring.

So why be boring.

Like, SERIOUSLY.


DREAMERS
DOERS
BELIEVERS
THINKERS

Visuals.
M.

i am

What you say after "I AM" comes looking for you. And fast.
Elisabeth Fayt

I am  p e a c e. 
Please-thanks.
Come looking for me!

Peace.
M.


This was a while ago.

aujourd'hui

Today.

Oh, today.
What shall we do with you.

I mean, either I'm weird, or this is some sunshine disorder, or whatever.
Yesterday I was so full of everything, life and energy and desire to do stuff, mainly.
None of which is here today.
And neither is the sunshine.

Actually, the sun was so lush yesterday, I caught a bit of a face-tan.
I mean, mega.

But today is not yesterday.
Today is gray and real quiet, and a little somber.
A somber Friday.
I do have quite a lot to do, but somber-ness and me don't make for a very good working combo.
Besides, Place beyond the pines (yesterday) really put me in a little hole.
I think I'm partially still in it.

But no, today has potential to be very very excellent indeed.
So let's turn this around, very soon, and properly.

I think this is the biggest thing that has changed.
I used to think that I can't and therefore didn't want to change my "bad" days.
But that is so different now.
I don't enjoy this anymore, at all.

Which means I have a choice.

And today, I choose to have a "good" day. No, really, a good day.
And see the people who want to see me, and I want to see.
Do the things I need to do.
Do the things I can do, and want to do.
And live a little you know.

I choose.
M.

fan the fire

This is just so true, and also something we don't often think about.
We're not alone in whatever we do.
We are always surrounded by the people we choose to be surrounded by.
Not only when they are actually present around us, but these people never truly leave us, by choice.
Our own choice.
They are there, in the back of our minds and in the corners of our heart.

So choose wisely.
Because we are never truly alone.
And even if and when we do feel so utterly alone and lost, maybe it would be time to look at the people who surround you.
Who you have chosen to surround you.

Because nothing is external, and nothing is happening TO you (okay, let's stick this at 99%).
Most of the stuff in our lives including the negative and the emotional and the baggage and the thought patterns, all of it, is so open for change.
And that, of course, lies with us.

We need people to fan our flame.
Otherwise the flame will go out.
And keeping your flame alive all by yourself is nearly impossible.
Anyone who has gone camping knows this.
So apply the same thing in life.
We need people to fan our flame.

So choose very wisely.

Who fan your flames.
M.

linear lives

I wrote this in August.

The Universe is so giving.
It’s us that choose wrong.
We ask for things we don’t need, or think we want but don’t. Things we might have been conditioned to want, but we want them anyway. And the universe will provide. Of course it will provide, because how could it not. It’s the universe, man.
And then we sulk, and despair, and the rest. But not because fate or whatever is cruel, but because we chose wrong. We asked wrong. Like a fairytale.
We chose wrong.
If you want something enough, you will get it. So how do you know what you actually want?
Or is it like bingo?
You gamble.
Trial and error.

Well this deserves nothing but a big, fat, LOL. Trial and error. That can’t be right, can it?
Hey, mighty universe, I’m just gonna TRY OUT these few things.
Thanks. Wink. 

And now spring is coming.
And I'm home.
And I'm really in a very different place compared to August, which was big big hot mess, let's be honest. Everything just ground to a halt and the mill for some reason stopped turning.
But I am so so balanced where I am now, compared to then.
And for this, I am grateful.

I don't yet know what anything means to be honest, but I'm really learning to like it. And considering the fact I have always been the girl with the plan, I'm proud of that.

Because if I don't yet know what to ask from the Universe, I'm better not going to ask anything at all.

Careful what you wish for.
M.

choose

I think we have a choice.
Or at least I have decided I want to have a choice.

Either to live my life according to the ingrained calling of the Nordic logic, of pre-plan everything or imminent death and starvation through lack of crops and cold will arrive.
Or the way of the warmer, damper parts. You can plan, but you can also wait. Because there's fruit and there's heat. So you won't die.

"Life is a privilege, not a right."
(The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.)

And we are in charge of shaping how we see this privilege, how we shift and form it. Whether we have time or not, to stop and maybe look, and enjoy, and be.
Because if the only thing you're concerned with is the next step and the step after that and the one after that, you'll end up missing the entire journey.

And where is the sense in that.

I choose south.
Take time, my darlings. Because that tricky f*cker can sometimes steal away, and really quietly.

Infinite possibilities. 
M. 

to my dear london

As I was walking from the plane through the Heathrow terminal towards the baggage reclaim, on the 11th of January 2013, I realised this was the last time I would be landing in London, for some time.
And then I got to thinking of reasons. Not that I need to, but it just happened. Reasons, and past times spent in London, and what I've gained here, and how this place has shaped me.

I arrived in London on the 2nd of September 2006. Spent 2 days in town and the quite literally headed for the unknown in Chigwell School which was the beginning of my road to independence.
I was always an independent young person growing up but there is only so much independence you can get whilst still living with your parents.
The school wasn't opened so it must have been a weekend. No, actually, I think we all arrived 3 weeks before the start of term, to get settled in.
I remember loving the house, seeing the house cat and struggling to sleep the first night. I used to be really very scared of darkness and therefore sleeping in unfamiliar places was a huge task. One which I didn't manage that night.

This was the beginning of two of the absolute best years of my life. I worked so hard, got so many friends, gained so so much ..everything. Just life experience.
Also, did a lot of less deep and meaningful things like, lots of football, eating cake, latenight chats with the boarding house girls who became my sisters, especially one of them, free long-distance phone calls, trampolining, playing polo in the swimming pool, watching sports in the big boarding house for boys, having 2 great house parties - and I mean great - and wearing suits and ties to school.

This was also the beginning of a process through which I would actually get to know myself. I was used to performing by this point so handling pressure was not the problem.
(Ps, I would usually apologise about how 'tacky' this is, but not tonight. I'm sat in my empty room, in a house full of my friends, who happen to be asleep. It's 1:23am and I'm blogging because this seems to be the best idea of how to say goodbye.)
However, living abroad, away from my family and friends at 17 was quite something, and something I am intensely proud of. For some people similar experience might be easy, easier than getting up and singing in front of a lot people, for example, but for me this was hard.

6,5 years on and I realised something standing on the escalator at Heathrow terminal.
I've racked up some serious air miles. I've flown back and forth between London and Tallinn for roughly 55 times and somewhere in between all this I've found me.

Feel free to sigh and roll your eyes a little, but honestly, I can't explain this any other way. It's like I landed here, already a grown human, having worked and having had responsibilities for so long. But in retrospective it feels like, I came here and I grew up, I grew down and then I re-grew. I literally at some point must have decided - hey this is not you, now change. Take all these things that are broken, or misplaced, or wrong, or make you sad, and face them, do something about them. Take the bits and re-work yourself.
Because it's not like I don't have the time.
We all have the time.

And now, 6,5 years on I am sentimental at the thought of what I've gained here, and what I'm leaving here.
Somewhere on the football pitches in Chigwell I got a bit closer.
Somewhere in a dark corner of the Studio Theatre at Royal Holloway, I found something.
And somewhere in the cracks of the Covent Garden pavements.
Somehow in the freeing air of the big city atmosphere I realised in order to grow up I need to grow down.
Somehow I was lucky and blessed enough to find people in this city who inspire me, again and again and again, people who change me and challenge me.
People who would sit up till early morning hours to look after me, and people to look out for me.
People who for some reason really care about whether I will get to places in this life, and would help me get there.
So I'm sat here, very happy and very sad, and as excited as I am anxious. And proud and grateful and blessed.
I am so thankful for the steps that lead me here and for the ones that will lead me home.

I love you, London. And for being my Adventure Land you will forever have my respect.


I think I'm ready to go for the next step now.
And oh holy heavens, it's as exciting as it is scary.


And that, is truly magnifique.

I'm going home.
With love.
M.

town

Yesterday and today was for town.

Yesterday I went central and walked about for a bit. Spent significant time in Waterstone's, the book store, and then in HMV browsing the classical music section. And got an item from each place.
Then I met AEM and we went to see Midnight Tango, which is the second time I've seen this show (in addition to watching it on the DVD which I bought immediately after visit number 1) and it just keeps getting better. We saw this show a year ago, which might as well be 700 years. I remember what I was like, watching that show a year ago, and I'm so much happier now, and things are just going in a good direction. One year. That's all.
Then we made our way back home and had hot chocolate.

Today got the train in and went to Barbican (which is the largest culture centre in Europe and therefore kicks butt, so hard) to meet a dear friend, who I really don't see enough of. We had coffee and good chats. She's one of the people who is just so nice for my soul, can't explain it any other way. Just so so nice in my soul, and for my soul.

2 days of town, and I've got 2 conclusions.
1) London is a glorious, glorious, glorious city of the world. Just glorious.
2) I'm so happy I'm moving and getting a much much much needed change of pace.

So both things are correct, and good in different ways.
I've got a week left to enjoy this marvel of a place and then I get to go Home.

Good thoughts. 
M.

time

I have time.
Okay, yes, it's constantly reducing, but still, I have time.

I have time.
To live a life that I've chosen for myself.
To do the things I want to do.
To decide
To change
To learn
To grow
To laugh
And dance
And travel
And adventure
To see
To hear
To taste
To touch

And I can only do this for myself.
I cannot convince anyone else of anything, unless they want to do it or want to be convinced.
February is for making sure I do the best I can with me, and leave others to do their own growing, and whatever.
And there's plenty I want to do with me. Things to decide and find out and explore and, just so much.

I have time.
Use it well.

Here's to time.
M.

(I think I dreamt something weird.)