me-platform

I follow this Estonian woman.
She writes about energies and such, but even if that kind of stuff is not your cup of tea her wisdom is so on point.

This week she was talking about something called the "ME-platform".

And she coins this as the core of this week.
This is funny because here I am, sat at home, and once again my relationship with the work things is so bad.
I'm so tired of talking about this!!
I bet you're tired of reading about it, AGAIN.
But hey, if it's a problem and it's not going away, I simply must discuss it.


So.
She was basically saying that this idea of the "ME-platform" is just You being You.
But standing on this thought, on that strength of being Yourself, like on a platform literally.
The steadiness.
The stability.
Using yourself as an infinite source for strength and inspiration.

She names Fear as the number1 thing that prevents people from wanting to find, and finding, and then being on their "ME-platform".
Fear of someone not understanding, not accepting, and you know, so forth.
She emphasises that in order for us to build a steady "US-platform" on which this world should stand, we need to have a very steady "ME-platform" and I feel this is something I really, really lack.

And this is so different from self-confidence.
Self-confidence is something you have, but this ME-platform is like, taking the self-confidence you feel, sticking it in some fertile soil, letting it take up roots, grow into a tree.
It's seedling vs. the tree.

So, what exactly am I doing in my life to further this steady, strong and amazing "ME-platform"?
What are the things I should do?
The choices and ideas and actions?
What do I need to change?

God, these are good questions.



She advises to take this week very slow - which I intend to do 112003030404000%.
Many percent.
To do one thing at a time.
Solve one question at a time.
Untie one knot, then another.
The bottomline is to create a stage where I don't want to live under a solitary rock, but rather a very steady ME-platform, where I sing, and share, and RECEIVE what's offered to me.
Where I get to do my art, and share it with people.

There isn't anything fun under a rock.



http://crystalralaksmi.com/eesti/blogi/



Love, always.M.

forever

I wrote this draft a forever ago.

And now's the time to complete it.

tank and water spirit
what do both want
how do both get their goals
what are both rooted in

i want to be held, and loved.
but its easier to be a tank cause then i dont make myself vulnerable.

i am gentle.
very strong, but gentle

tank and water spirit.
women need fluidity.
they are the water, and the energy, and the flow.

So, that.

I don't think I see myself as a tank at all anymore.

I once thought this impossible.

I feel gentle. And soft.

Obviously fragile due to this, which is still taking a lot of getting used to.

But I am water, not a tank now.

And this for me is something worthy of my Quarter Century that's coming up.

It is something to which I can say I am proud of myself, and what I've accomplished within myself.

It still comes with the Lows, but I think I'm getting somewhere. 

A heart that never hardens.

That's what I want to have.

Forever soft, forever strong.

With love, always.

M.

 

flux

Everything is in flux.

I'm learning lyrics.
For tomorrow's concert.
And trying to visualise things I'd want.
To do.
Work things, and things.
What I would want.

It's so hard tuning out other voices.
Other people and what they do.
Just to focus on me and not copy anyone else, ever.

Surprisingly hard.

And here's this photo I found.
They never used it for this article we made, but it was up online anyway.
And it's SO LIKE ME.


So like me.

Tuning out.
I guess this is where meditation comes into play as well.
The art of tuning out.

The art of being You.
The art of being Me.
The art of being Ourselves, because we have no other options, to be honest.

The art of being Me.

Love to you all.
As always.
M.

what do I want from MYSELF

Hello.

So, the question is - what do I want from ME.

I know what other people would like.

But, hey Maria - what would you like from Maria?

Why thanks for asking.

I'll get back to you when I give myself the time to actually understand that.

In other news, today was good.

Awesome lesson.

Helen is awesome.

And now I'm going to play my word search game and then sleep.

Good night, darlings.

Oh!

And I chopped my hair off.

Myself.

Yours truly.

M.

dreams

We don't need to know what we're good at to dream.
Maybe these crazy dreams we get every now and then are there to show us what we would be good at.
If we'd just give ourselves a chance.

Maybe that's what the dreams are for.

Take them seriously.
I mean, we gotta for it to work, you know?

Goethe on öelnud: "Sel hetkel, kui inimene ennast millelegi täielikult pühendab, tuleb appi ka Ettemääratus. Juhtuvad kõiksugu asjad, mis muidu poleks juhtunud, terve sündmuste vool, mis toob inimeseni kõik ettenägematud juhtumid, kohtumised ja abi, millest poleks osanud unistadagi." - See more at: http://alkeemia.ee/artiklid/Unistamisest/l-5/c-1280/#sthash.LfbzKGEe.dpuf

Goethe has said: The moment when an individual commits themselves to something whole heartedly, predetermination steps into play. Allsorts of things start to happen, that otherwise wouldn't have, a whole flow of events, that brings unforeseen happenings, meetings and help, that one could not have dreamt of.

Goethe.

Yours truly. 

M. 

roads

So. 

This post is actually more about foundations than roads.

But I prefer it as the title.

So.

Foundations.

I was just thinking.

About preconceived ideas, about right and wrong, and all the shoulds and shouldnts.

And how terribly terribly hideous it is, to even think of building your foundations upon someone else's.

That would work like quicksand.

It comes to a point, or there should be a moment of realization, when a person understands that it's either themselves or nothing.

What I mean is - unless you get Yourself working, unless you commit and dedicate yourself to yourself, and face yourself as what you are, "nothing" follows.

What I mean by "nothing" is the void.

The convenient void in which so many people live their lives.

I'm not patronizing, or implying that I'm free of this, because I'm so not. 

But lately I've just really understood how take-no-prisoners it is - it really is yourself (balls to the wall fearlessness) or nothing (the numb void of structures created by someone other than yourself).

In between the two there's a million variables but in terms of attitude it honestly is This or That.

You can't be a tiny bit brave or somewhat partial to the mundane social constructs.

You either are or are not. 

Pick one. 

And then let it roll according to that.

I know what I'll decide, which I'll pick.

But I just have to do it.

Really do it.

And commit to myself tooth, claw and nail.

And not let it slip away into what someone else thinks or expects or wants.

Because that simply does not bring happiness.

And why waste this life we have. 

In other news, I'm going home today, from STHLM.

If I'm honest I'm not ready.

Or maybe I am. 

I don't really know.

It's rather - it's been super being here, to calm down.

But now I'd like to stay here for some more time and refocus my thoughts.

But hey.

It is what it is.

Home awaits.

And everything it holds.

Yours truly.

M.

being pisces

So I read this thing somewhere.
About how each of us have something to learn from our Zodiac sign.
How the negative aspect of it is a vessel for learning, your own personal lesson.

I am Pisces.
The double-fish.

"Pisces Suns may spend a good portion of their lives yearning for understanding, and the other part in a state of divine discontent. Suffering is sometimes glamorized in the Piscean world.Harsh realities are avoided either through escapist behavior or self-delusion; but every now and again reality does raise its ugly head, and hits Pisces over the head. This is a sad time indeed. Pisces retreats into their own world, self-pitying and giving pep talks to themselves.
Some might even wonder if Pisces finds pleasure in suffering. Sometimes this is the case, but most of the time, Pisces pulls a lot of creative energy from sadness. Pisces is the poet or artist with angst, although this trait is often more apparent with Moon in Pisces.
Many Pisces seem almost allergic to things like shopping lists, maps, directions, and instructions, and for some brave souls, even watches — they prefer to feel their way through life than to follow some plan."

This is so very much like me.
From all angles.

Therefore - I need to learn how to sink my claws into something solid.
Something that doesn't shift and would therefore give me the stability that I'm so very much yearning for.
All the time.

It's true that this moaning thing sometimes becomes a juicy bone for Pisces. Self-pity has no benefits, let's get this straight.
The thing is, I really feel like I've grown out of this enjoyment of the mutable state.
Life is mutable enough. We can't foresee the choices and actions of other people, or the weather for that matter, anything, so truth be told, we control very little.
But we can choose for ourselves.
So why not do that.
I used to be a big fan of letting things go, just unravelling, my things, and therefore miss opportunities, really positive ones. Miss people, miss chances, miss life.
And that's as boring, as it is stupid.

I'm yet figuring out what the answer is.
Something physical would make sense.
I find that some kind of movement grounds me in the body, which is a really easy, "normal" thing, to sink your teeth into.
So even if you can't control A, B or C, you sure as hell can control your arms and legs.

Learn from your sign.

Trust
the
process

Yours truly.
M.

This.

This
this
this


With love.
M.

honestly, and gently

The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.

Pema Chodron

This quote is absolutely sublime.
The meaning, and the wording.
This quote is simply sublime.

And I absolutely agree with this.
More than I can possibly explain.

Lately there have been two kinds of people around me, with a very clear difference:
Those who are willing to do this, those who are not.
The first kind are currently excelling and moving forward with their lives.
The latter however are stuck, really stuck in past patterns, and honestly just really moving backwards.

And exactly this has also been the central point and meaning of all my wonderings/wanderings as well, for the past 6 months.
I had got to a point in my life where I was on auto-pilot.
So now the question is - if I look at myself "honestly and gently" - what kind of a life do I want to live?
And the second crucial question that goes hand in hand with this one is - what kind of a person do I want to be?

To answer both of these I'll definitely write more than this one post, but this serves as a beginning of deciding something.

Upwards, and onwards, and towards new goals and things.
To live the life I want, and need, and deserve.

AND ALSO, wherever you are in your life, take the time to be proud of yourself for how far you have come and what exactly you have accomplished, ESPECIALLY with the little things.
Not the home-job-man-woman-dog-whatever cycle.
That's super boring.
But the little things that no one else knows to be proud of, but you know.
You know, that those are really the things that matter. the. most.
They make you you and they are your true trophies and diplomas.
So pat yourself on the back, give yourself a high-five or a handshake.

Because that is the stuff that matters.

With love.
M.

wwhhuuttttt

Well.

Well-well-well.

Well this was a day and a half.
I woke up 22,5 hours ago.
(This was written at like, 7AM.)

This day lasted 8.30 till 7.30AM.
And it was a good day.

That consisted of, Flowervalley open day, singing at a wedding, Svjata Vatra at Freedom Square for World Day in Tallinn, then nap at the Spaniard's, then town with E. and then madness ensued in Moment.
And then I walked home in the sunshine, with lots of birds and Lana Del Rey and daffodils.

And now it's half 3 and I'm sat here, with a towel on my head.
It's gorgeous outside but I'm not feeling it. I've spent so much time outside lately and it's quite nice being home.

The two previous nights have been succchhh huge learning opportunities.
And the lesson is:
Concentrate on yourself.

Fullstop.
Lesson over.

Now go, and study hard.

With love.
M.

This was this morning, at 7.20AM.

fan the fire

This is just so true, and also something we don't often think about.
We're not alone in whatever we do.
We are always surrounded by the people we choose to be surrounded by.
Not only when they are actually present around us, but these people never truly leave us, by choice.
Our own choice.
They are there, in the back of our minds and in the corners of our heart.

So choose wisely.
Because we are never truly alone.
And even if and when we do feel so utterly alone and lost, maybe it would be time to look at the people who surround you.
Who you have chosen to surround you.

Because nothing is external, and nothing is happening TO you (okay, let's stick this at 99%).
Most of the stuff in our lives including the negative and the emotional and the baggage and the thought patterns, all of it, is so open for change.
And that, of course, lies with us.

We need people to fan our flame.
Otherwise the flame will go out.
And keeping your flame alive all by yourself is nearly impossible.
Anyone who has gone camping knows this.
So apply the same thing in life.
We need people to fan our flame.

So choose very wisely.

Who fan your flames.
M.

are you a noun?

Or are you a verb?

Oscar Wilde said that if you know what you want to be, then you inevitably become it - that is your punishment, but if you never know, then you can be anything. There is a truth to that. We are not nouns, we are verbs. I am not a thing - an actor, a writer - I am a person who does things - I write, I act - and I never know what I am going to do next. I think you can be imprisoned if you think of yourself as a noun.
- Stephen Fry

So, therefore - are you a noun, or are you a verb?

I absolutely agree with this.
I said to A. some time ago that I was finding saying "I'm a singer" really very problematic for some reason.

I much prefer.
i sing
i write
i observe
i teach
i dance
i act
i draw

i travel
i adventure
i see
i laugh
i make mayhem
i cut hair

Whatever.

Be verbs.
M.

today.

Today.

"Do something today that your future self will thank you for. Take a yoga class. Make a vision board for your dreams. Clean your house. Dance. Forgive someone. Forgive yourself. Go for a swim. Sweat. Stretch. Smile. Pour your heart into everything you do. Love."

And that's all.
Just something.
And then do that tomorrow as well.

With love.
M.

lose

I've been watching Biggest Loser on and off for a long time.
A lot of people don't like it, I get why someone would find it boring, if it's just not their cup of tea. But to passionately not like it, beats me. Calm down.
Whatever.

Point is.
I've watched a lot of it.
First of all, the trainers are heroes. Simple.
Not just because of the workout and nutrition knowledge, but, how they read the people on the Biggest Loser ranch place, how they read them, and work at breaking down their walls, and the walls are high. High, high, high.
I know a few people have tuned in and go, "Oh, I don't like the way they shout at the people" and blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah.
It
is
there
for
a
reason

Seriously.

ANYWAY.
The only reason I'm talking about this is to post some before and afters of the contestants.
This was last season's winner, Danni.



Now then.
A few seasons ago there were these two sisters, Olivia and Hannah.
Hannah had been working towards going to the Olympics as a volleyball player and then had a back injury and it was all over.
So what she did was eat, eat, and do nothing, and pity herself, and she ate some more and just in the middle of all of it just got lost.
This girl was just lost.
And this is where the trainers come in.
This is NOT about dropping the number on the scale! It's just not. They rebuild themselves. The trainers rebuild them. There bodies get so exhausted that their walls break down and they climb out, out of the crap they have decided to surround themselves with. This cold hard layer of "I can't" or "I am too weak" or "I don't know" or whatever. The pity and being the victim. Never being good enough. All of this.
And
they
just
come
out

This is Hannah's before and after. And below her sister Olivia.

When fitness makes you YOU.
M.

love

http://dani.metromode.se/

I've spoken about Dani's blog before.

This time she was talking about love. Not my usual topic, but it was just so simple.
Enough of the introduction, I'll just forward what she wrote.

‘’Love is what we were born with.  Fear is what we learned here.’’ Marianne Williamson.

LOVE BEGINS WITH YOU: Your inner voice is where your story of love begins: It is hard to feel worthy of love if someone is criticizing you all the time and especially if that someone is talking in your head.

True love isn’t about being inseparable; it’s about two people being true to each other even when they are separated.

Love and kindness is a way of living.  Where there is love, there is no judgment.  Where there is judgment, there is no love.

Love is the great transformer,  the greatest medicine to heal the whole world.

Love is something you and I must have.  We must have it because our spirit feeds upon it.

Love is the greatest healing power of all.

Love fuels passion, hope and desire. It generates creativity giving us purpose and making us feel alive.

 All your love matters and makes a difference.

 Love is accepting others as they are, allow them to be themselves and stop trying to change them.

"Our life is a reflection of what we believe we deserve."

"

So what do you think you deserve?

Love.
M.

bread exchange

and the Wonderful, Wonderful Malin.
http://thebreadexchange.com/

This is another one of my blog recommendations.

Malin is this Swedish young woman, currently living somewhere in Germany. And basically, she started this project called the Bread Exchange.
She started making bread just for banter at home, but as she was trying out so many new things and experimenting a lot she had loads of left-over bread, which she started giving to her friends. Her friends in return would give her...little things, whatevers, homemade jam, or write a poem, or offer to fix her bike.
In short, this grew into a network of people involved in the Bread Exchange.

It is so simple.
Malin makes bread. Posts where she will be (she travels a lot with her job) and then people can set up a meeting with her.
Malin will bring bread.
In return, you can make her or give her anything at all, whatever you want.
Everything, except money.

Her blog is a wonderful wonderful mix of her journey and the journey of Bread Exchange, with awesome photos from her travels.
And Malin herself comes across simply as a truly wonderful being.

"Everything is not for sale."
M.

Photo from the bread exchange blog.

to my dear london

As I was walking from the plane through the Heathrow terminal towards the baggage reclaim, on the 11th of January 2013, I realised this was the last time I would be landing in London, for some time.
And then I got to thinking of reasons. Not that I need to, but it just happened. Reasons, and past times spent in London, and what I've gained here, and how this place has shaped me.

I arrived in London on the 2nd of September 2006. Spent 2 days in town and the quite literally headed for the unknown in Chigwell School which was the beginning of my road to independence.
I was always an independent young person growing up but there is only so much independence you can get whilst still living with your parents.
The school wasn't opened so it must have been a weekend. No, actually, I think we all arrived 3 weeks before the start of term, to get settled in.
I remember loving the house, seeing the house cat and struggling to sleep the first night. I used to be really very scared of darkness and therefore sleeping in unfamiliar places was a huge task. One which I didn't manage that night.

This was the beginning of two of the absolute best years of my life. I worked so hard, got so many friends, gained so so much ..everything. Just life experience.
Also, did a lot of less deep and meaningful things like, lots of football, eating cake, latenight chats with the boarding house girls who became my sisters, especially one of them, free long-distance phone calls, trampolining, playing polo in the swimming pool, watching sports in the big boarding house for boys, having 2 great house parties - and I mean great - and wearing suits and ties to school.

This was also the beginning of a process through which I would actually get to know myself. I was used to performing by this point so handling pressure was not the problem.
(Ps, I would usually apologise about how 'tacky' this is, but not tonight. I'm sat in my empty room, in a house full of my friends, who happen to be asleep. It's 1:23am and I'm blogging because this seems to be the best idea of how to say goodbye.)
However, living abroad, away from my family and friends at 17 was quite something, and something I am intensely proud of. For some people similar experience might be easy, easier than getting up and singing in front of a lot people, for example, but for me this was hard.

6,5 years on and I realised something standing on the escalator at Heathrow terminal.
I've racked up some serious air miles. I've flown back and forth between London and Tallinn for roughly 55 times and somewhere in between all this I've found me.

Feel free to sigh and roll your eyes a little, but honestly, I can't explain this any other way. It's like I landed here, already a grown human, having worked and having had responsibilities for so long. But in retrospective it feels like, I came here and I grew up, I grew down and then I re-grew. I literally at some point must have decided - hey this is not you, now change. Take all these things that are broken, or misplaced, or wrong, or make you sad, and face them, do something about them. Take the bits and re-work yourself.
Because it's not like I don't have the time.
We all have the time.

And now, 6,5 years on I am sentimental at the thought of what I've gained here, and what I'm leaving here.
Somewhere on the football pitches in Chigwell I got a bit closer.
Somewhere in a dark corner of the Studio Theatre at Royal Holloway, I found something.
And somewhere in the cracks of the Covent Garden pavements.
Somehow in the freeing air of the big city atmosphere I realised in order to grow up I need to grow down.
Somehow I was lucky and blessed enough to find people in this city who inspire me, again and again and again, people who change me and challenge me.
People who would sit up till early morning hours to look after me, and people to look out for me.
People who for some reason really care about whether I will get to places in this life, and would help me get there.
So I'm sat here, very happy and very sad, and as excited as I am anxious. And proud and grateful and blessed.
I am so thankful for the steps that lead me here and for the ones that will lead me home.

I love you, London. And for being my Adventure Land you will forever have my respect.


I think I'm ready to go for the next step now.
And oh holy heavens, it's as exciting as it is scary.


And that, is truly magnifique.

I'm going home.
With love.
M.

dream big

Confession.
I haven't dreamt big in a while.
I don't think I've actually dreamt at all for a while.
I used to, a lot, and now it's just kind of disappeared or moved to the sidelines.
But I think it's absolutely, absolutely essential.

Dreaming is not a waste of time. Anyone who says so I simply have to disagree with, completely.
Dreaming is like, creating the winds for your own sails, you know?
You have dreams and then you can turn them into goals.
"Goals are dreams with deadlines."

Dreaming.
"Stop daydreaming". As if it's a bad thing. Of course, there's a time for everything and I'm not asking you or myself to daydream non-stop and in the process get hit by a bus or lose our jobs.
It's just - dreaming is so essential. And having dreams, however big or small. It is simply a force to drive us forward.
It is like that saying - shoot for the Moon, and even if you'll miss, you will land among the stars.
Besides, the power of a human brain once it sets itself to something, I mean, really commits to something, is absolutely a force of nature to be reckoned with.
So why not set it to something that our dreams are truly made of.

So.
Once I'm home I will -
dream a little
dream a lot
and then dream some more

Give myself a chance to open my brain to dreaming. Tune it to GoodTimes FM, or something.
Being present in the here and now is fine, but if a thing becomes a restraint, it's clearly time for a change.
Open my head to all the lovely things that are and will be and I can look forward to.
It is a great freedom, does marvellous things mentally and I just haven't allowed myself to relax, breathe and do it.
So go on, fill your lovely lovely heads.

Dream big.
M.

singing

So.
I use this blog as my personal wall space.
If I could actually use the 4 walls in my room, and write on those, I would. But that would be a bit annoying afterwards.
So I use this as my personal space where I blurt out whatever needs blurting out.
And this has helped me a lot, in terms of getting clarity and staying on top.

So now I thought, if I've managed to help myself through this blog, why not see whether I could do the same in terms of singing. This won't mean loads of technical boring stuff. But rather more of the same, but with a singing angle.
Singing for me is the most psychologically charged subject matter. I think it's partly because I started singing so young and kind of grew up judging myself. So now, whenever I sing I can just feel that voice in the back of my head start to criticise again. Criticism is good. But not when all you do is just bash yourself in the face with it.

Cause I do worry a little, about my singing stuff. The line between working on actual issues but then just steering away from hard work is so thin I think. But I might apply my workout logic with this: "If it's hard, to more of it."

I'll see how this goes, or doesn't.M.
My absolute favourite 'work' photo of me, ever. Ever.
And the second one is a bunch of flowers that this old man gave me after one of my summer concerts. These simple simple flowers were just so sincere and therefore, a photo of them.

pull

I truly, truly wish we could all be quiet enough to recognise it.

Pull.
M.