kokowääh

So last night I missed one of my friends (..mmmm, yep, I can use that term, friend) so much, I downloaded a movie he's in, waited for it to download, and then watched the whole thing (considering this idea sprung at 2am it's quite a feat).

And it was lovely.

Kokowääh.
M.

badass

I absolutely love this.

No seriously.
Aaabsolutely love this.

Don't assume you know how Retta rolls.
M.

aujourd'hui

Today will consist of or has consisted of:
7AM wake-up
Writing a to-do list
Going to the library/getting music
Radio interview
Rehearsal
Figuring out what I'm singing
TV-people filming at the scaff? (actually scaffolding in the church)
Drawing a plan of who is standing where on the scaff/sending it to the sound designer


Actually, now that I've written it out like this, it doesn't sound that bad!
Woo! This was a good shout!

Peace.
M.

Let's bitch on this day.
PS, that's still a lollipop.

need

"What do I need?"

Aaaaannnndddd we're back to that one.

My favourite question of all, the lack of which I realised last year?
That this wasn't in my vocabulary.

What do I want - oh, yes.
What do I crave - absolutely.
Or another favourite, what do other people need from me? Or need me to be?
Great.

But what do I need?
Apparently not.

So the age of What Does Maria Need is about to start.
I mean I swear I'll plaster this on my face or something.

What do you NEED.
M.


This was taken around 6.20AM, last Sunday morning, as I was walking home from this new place in Tallinn called Moment.
That night was circus.
That night was what I needed.

gracefully

“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you."

HOW GRACEFULLY
YOU LET GO OF THINGS
NOT MEANT FOR YOU

Let's, PLEASE, just let this sink in. Please.
Because all truth and happiness is in that.

How gracefully you let go of things not. meant. for. you.

Measuring, and hearing, and understanding what is meant for us and what isn't and listening to our intuition.
Because your intuition is always right, always.
Your intuition already knows everything.

So let's just remember this, right.
Let go of things not meant for you.

And so. Every day start again.
Because nothing matters apart from what you do today and how you live today.

What we do today, matters most.
M.

witches, unite

So, I went to this lecture a few days ago.
The speaker was a woman who was a proper nature-child growing up, then graduated as a med-student, but decided to go back to her roots. And live in the forests, and let her true being shine trough - being a witch.
She shared some really genuine and healthy ideas about living life as a woman, as a human being, as a being of Nature, as an organism, about love, children, choices, bravery, fears, decisions and doubt.

Since women are glorious creatures (with a vast expanse of potential life where our uterus is), we are all a little witch-y.
And apparently no woman can actually access her full (witchy-)potential without having her life sorted first (in terms of the job she has, the living surroundings, her home). There needs to be balance.

And then there's me.
Moaning, literally moaning, when I know exactly, I know with such painful crystal clarity what I need to do.
I need to get clarity in my life. The same clarity of understanding, I need to apply this to my life.
Now.
And then, and only then, will everything else unravel, and very quickly.
And in the right direction.
My path.
I need to transform this gelatinous mess (also known as my life currently), apply some balls, ruthless clarity and turn this mess into something clear and sharp.

And stop thinking of unnecessary things, when I know exactly what I should be thinking about.
Or rather not thinking about.
And doing.
Doing
doing
doing

Life is not a bunch of theory. Life is practice.
It's a practical thing.
All practice.

So let's cut the theory balls, and let's get practical.

Live
your
life
as
the You-est
You

With love.
M.

spring

And so spring continues, with ever-growing steps.
I don't really understand that June is 2 weeks away.
When
and
how
did
this
happen

It was cold, cold, cold, cold, cold, and now it's two weeks till June.
And I really need to kick this real estate thing into gear.

And these flowers below are amazing.y

Spring, time for doing things.
M.

i am

What you say after "I AM" comes looking for you. And fast.
Elisabeth Fayt

I am  p e a c e. 
Please-thanks.
Come looking for me!

Peace.
M.


This was a while ago.

people

So what about the people to fan our flame?
How and where do we draw a line?

I mean.
What?

What
what
what

Fan your flame.
Is that a purpose?
Is that a necessity?
What the f*ck.
I don't even know.

Whatever.
M.


Not "whatever" though, you know?
That's the point.
This is NOT "whatever".
This is important.

this song

Happy Sunday, guys!

With love.
M.

cat

The cat has decided to take a nap, on my back.


What.

Cat choices.
M.

what i want.

As if we had wings.
M.

now what

So, now what, boys and girls.
Now what?

Uneasy. 
M.

clothes

Okay, guys, I have a problem.

This is not going to be as pointless and shallow as it sounds at first.

So.
I don't know what clothes I like.

Explanation.
Lately I'm just having a really really tricky time finding anything I feel good wearing. I guess it's just that I'm not entirely sure the kind of person I want to put across at the moment.
It was easier in LDN because there none of this matters.
But I touch-down in TLN and there's these people and journalists and whatevers (which I cannot stress enough, I'm grateful for) but the downside of this is, it is just hard to change.

I have these patterns here. The automatic shapes and things that I do, and things I represent and therefore, clothes I wear.
It's like, I arrive and there's a pre-decided Maria Listra waiting here, who I've created, and I kinda leave myself going "HUH?". Like I leave me on the doorstep.
And so now I'm home, with a load of clothes, and they just don't feel good on. They feel like they belong to someone else and this is a very strange sensation. So I've slowly been going through my clothes to see which ones I actually like wearing and which actually feel like me.

And so there you go. My clothes problem.
I don't know what clothes I like, I don't know what clothes like me, and whatever. Summer's so easy, I just run around half naked all the time, which suits me fine.
So for now, I'm just gonna go about being a little confused.

I
don't
unerstand
clothes
ugh

Clothes.
M.

what do clothes say?

linear lives

I wrote this in August.

The Universe is so giving.
It’s us that choose wrong.
We ask for things we don’t need, or think we want but don’t. Things we might have been conditioned to want, but we want them anyway. And the universe will provide. Of course it will provide, because how could it not. It’s the universe, man.
And then we sulk, and despair, and the rest. But not because fate or whatever is cruel, but because we chose wrong. We asked wrong. Like a fairytale.
We chose wrong.
If you want something enough, you will get it. So how do you know what you actually want?
Or is it like bingo?
You gamble.
Trial and error.

Well this deserves nothing but a big, fat, LOL. Trial and error. That can’t be right, can it?
Hey, mighty universe, I’m just gonna TRY OUT these few things.
Thanks. Wink. 

And now spring is coming.
And I'm home.
And I'm really in a very different place compared to August, which was big big hot mess, let's be honest. Everything just ground to a halt and the mill for some reason stopped turning.
But I am so so balanced where I am now, compared to then.
And for this, I am grateful.

I don't yet know what anything means to be honest, but I'm really learning to like it. And considering the fact I have always been the girl with the plan, I'm proud of that.

Because if I don't yet know what to ask from the Universe, I'm better not going to ask anything at all.

Careful what you wish for.
M.

bebe

Just a little photo of me and my brother way way back.
It has no particular relevance, I just really like the atmosphere.

I think I look exactly the same pretty much, just more hair.
And I'm pleased that my brother and I are still tight and do banter.

Childhood.
M.

seriously

This is getting ridiculous.

RIDICULOUS.
M.

pull

I truly, truly wish we could all be quiet enough to recognise it.

Pull.
M.

lessons we need to learn

Each has their own.
Everything is different
Men are different from women
And women different from men
And then each is different from the next
And every day is different
Every life
Every second
And what people do
And what they don't
And why they do what they do
And should they have done it
Should anyone do anything, at all
Or should we just not
Blah, blah, blah
I mean, really

Co-exist and co-inspire
That's all anyone can do
We see things and we can't act on it
Because these things are not our things
They are someone else's
So all we can do, is co-exist and co-inspire
And make sure we don't waste
Waste our time
Waste our talent
Waste our breath
Waste our sunrises and sunsets
And waste our joy
Because life is hard enough for us not to corrupt ourselves
So get on a swing
Laugh too loud
And delight in the ridiculous
Find someone to marvel with
Because everything is too serious anyway
Too serious and too sad
And too tragic
And too unfair and unjust
So keep hold of your own joy
Make sure you keep your shine
Be kind to yourself
And let others live through their own mistakes


D for December is for Damage control.


i've almost got rid of it
the bullshit of needing to get acceptance, or you know
"self-worth" from outsiders
almost

We each have our lessons to learn.

I have a hyacinth in my room.
With love.
M.

lost and found

I got lost in him, and it was the kind of lost that’s exactly like being found.

― Claire LaZebnik