projects

So.

Time to talk projects soon, darlings.

This autumn season.
The season is coming.
The Season of Work Things And Stuff.

Autumn used to have a very very, very, specific meaning.
Autumn used to mean knowledge, lots of it.
A huge intake of knowledge.
And then people.
And sometimes new people, sometimes old people.
But people.
And structure.
Autumn used to mean structure.
And knuckling down. Real hard.
Like, real real hard.
Like, working-butts-off territory.
Only the past few years this pattern has changed.
I used to look forward to that kind of an autumn.
I remember the feeling.
The "School Feeling".
I used to get excited, about autumn, and the smell, and the new pencil case, and paper blocks, and you know.
Developing, growing.
Getting smart.
The idea of getting smart.
Getting better.
And the idea of getting better.

So yes, this is why I liked autumn.

But now I fear it.
I don't know where this association came from, but somehow over time I developed a fearful view of autumn.
The dying, the decay, the cold, and mist, and fog, and stuff.

I'd really like to script myself an Autumn-Winter '13 season that I'll love.
Using all these ideas, of improvement, of knuckling down and getting smart.
Learning.
I guess I've forgotten how much I love learning.

I mean, I really do.

So.
Gotta work at this.

I might actually find some photos.
Or like, a school time photo.
I seriously liked it.
And I've forgotten.

Yours truly.
M.

AUGUST

And so with the Arrival of August, it's time for one of these.
(I started this last November, when I decided to pick a theme for each month, so I could monitor my progress in whatever field a little easier. I haven't done this in a long while, but I feel it's time. I want to have this month by its ovaries.)

And so, without further ado.
"A is for."

ARMASTUS. (love, in Estonian.)

Art. More time for the things that make me tick. My positive triggers. Creating something, sharing interesting ideas with people. More art. Watching or doing or whatever. Just, art.

Affairs. (...IN ORDER. I've postponed sorting a whole bunch of stuff, since I am still of course the self-proclaimed Queen of Procrastination Nation. However, since I'm increasingly getting fed up with this title it's really time to turn over a new page. And re-titled myself, something like, Crown Princess of Productivity? Anyway, you get the general idea.)

All-together.
Armour.
Alive.


Advice. I really have to learn how to understand when to ask for advice. I like to be a Know-it-all, but sadly, let's be honest, that's bullsh*t. No one knows everything. Besides, it's a lot more work figuring out something yourself, when I could simply ask. Why re-invent the wheel, eh?

Admit.

Assignment. I haven't challenged myself in a long while, so I think it's time for assignments. Whether it's fitness stuff, or just afore-mentioned getting my "affairs" in order, et cetera. Point being - I need goals, I need assignments.

Acceptance.
This one is important!
And goes out for everyone else as well as myself.
Plant alllll the seeds of acceptance, that you are worthy.
Of all the good stuff there is in the whole wide world.
We deprive ourselves of the chance of success and succeeding so often, saying "we can't do it anyway", even before we've made the first tiny step.
So please, you, and you, and me as well. Let's accept ourselves for exactly what we are and accept the fact that we are worthy, of all the good.

Absolute.
Admiration. (Admire stuff! The world, the weather, the clouds, pretty things, ugly things, interesting things, people, matchboxes, cool flowers, food, and rain, and yourselves, and your friends. Admire. The more admiration you plant into the world, the more you'll convince yourself that this is a Divine place to live in.)

Always.
Always.

Arrive.
Arrival.
Arrivals. Don't be scared to leave places and go explore. Arriving is awesome.

Animation. Same as admiration really. Live with animation. There's not much point in holding back. If you REALLY like something, say it, feel it and share it. Laugh too loud and jump too high.

Appreciation! Of yourself, of what you have. Appreciation and gratitude are too things most useful and most beauty-making.

Abundance.

Aloud.

Approval. (We seek for it, from our parents, our friends, the society, our employer, la la la, so on. What about yourself? Do YOU approve of the person you are? Do YOU approve of the things you do? So please, earn your own approval. And again, this goes straight to myself as well as for all of you who might need this.)

Aims. Aiming.

Alight. Set yourself alight.

Amazement.
AMAZEMENT.
Follow the amazement.

“Stay close to anything that makes you glad you are alive.”

—

Hafiz

So this is all I have to say about August.
This is the kind of month I want to have.

Most important thing is, that whatever you want to Accomplish (...just in case you missed the fact that this was an "A" word..), be mindful about what you are doing for it, and give yourself a clear structure of how to get to this.
This might be a state of living, a job, a state of a relationship, or a state of mind for you and you alone.
Point is, make sure you give yourself what you want.
If you won't, no one else will.
(I'll try to remember this.)

So, here's one to the beginning stage of a glorious month!

Happy August!
M.

bridges

This is going to be a post about bridges.

Sometimes in our lives we get to a point where our projects stall, our exciting new beginnings just fizzle into nothing, and slowly but surely we start fizzling into nothing ourselves.
This does not mean that we stop living all-together, or quit jobs or stop brushing our hair or washing our faces, you know.
This means something different.
It just means that we stop living as ourselves. As the You-est You.

That connection fizzles out.
It's like we can see our bridges burn, and we just let them.
We let this happen.

This includes wrong relationships, the ones where we can see ourselves shine dimmer and dimmer.
Or the wrong jobs.
Or the wrong places where we shouldn't live.
And so on, and so on, and so on.
This list goes on.

But the bottomline is, we let this happen.

The "how" doesn't interest me that much.
These vary for everyone.

But if I could know one thing, I'd know the "why".
Why would we stand in our own way?




We have every single opportunity to live out this life in the most glorious of ways.
And yet we choose to just stand there, and watch our bridges burn.
The bridges between you and YOU.

Which at the very end of the day are singlehandedly the most important ones.

Live the right life, for you.
Wake up following the schedule that is right, for you.
Work the job that's right, for you.

And for the sake of Jesus, TAKE YOUR TIME to find out.
Because truth is, we live and then we die.
It's pretty simple.

Why waste this sublime time.
On people who makes us less.
On clothes that are boring.
On places that stifle.

Why?

(I am asking myself to answer this.)

Why let the most important bridge burn.
Truth is, the sooner we notice this, honestly, look at this in the eye, and catch it mid-flame, we can put it out, find some new stone and wood and rebuild it.
But stand there and watch it go up in flames.
No.

Just, no.

Life is too short for that.

Bridges.M.

 

family

I want a family.

Not like right now, this second, you know.
But I do.

I want a family and this family to have a family home.
A family home.

This is what I want.
Truly, truly, truly want.

And what I want to (and can) give.


Things change, and people change, and I'm really trying to have the balls to just trust this change and go with this.
Which eventually comes surprisingly easy.
Once you let go of "I expected" or "I thought.." or "I am used to", or "No, no, I'm not like that", and all the other crap we "think", and "presume".

What a feeling, y'know.


First there's a slow growing dream.
That your fear seems to hide deep inside your mind.
M.


And this song.

desk

i have never ever wanted a desk in my whole life.
in my whole, whole, whole life.

like
where has this come from?

Anyway.
I want a desk, and the clarity, and a pencil pot.
Thanks.

Gimmeadesk.
M.

spring

My mega Soviet romantic nostalgia photo, from yesterday.

I love it.
It reminds me of my childhood.
I like the sharp lines (maybe that's why I'm a fan of them anyway).
(And no, it doesn't actually look like that, the suburbs are really green.)

Just so much sky.

Happy spring.
M.