dreams

We don't need to know what we're good at to dream.
Maybe these crazy dreams we get every now and then are there to show us what we would be good at.
If we'd just give ourselves a chance.

Maybe that's what the dreams are for.

Take them seriously.
I mean, we gotta for it to work, you know?

Goethe on öelnud: "Sel hetkel, kui inimene ennast millelegi täielikult pühendab, tuleb appi ka Ettemääratus. Juhtuvad kõiksugu asjad, mis muidu poleks juhtunud, terve sündmuste vool, mis toob inimeseni kõik ettenägematud juhtumid, kohtumised ja abi, millest poleks osanud unistadagi." - See more at: http://alkeemia.ee/artiklid/Unistamisest/l-5/c-1280/#sthash.LfbzKGEe.dpuf

Goethe has said: The moment when an individual commits themselves to something whole heartedly, predetermination steps into play. Allsorts of things start to happen, that otherwise wouldn't have, a whole flow of events, that brings unforeseen happenings, meetings and help, that one could not have dreamt of.

Goethe.

Yours truly. 

M. 

4 days

What a ridiculous life, let's be honest.

And how much happens in 4 days, quite honestly.

Weird and wonderful at the same time.

So now it's the time for grace and gratitude, and hard work and concentration. And focus.

And creating self-stability.

Within the self and for the self and from the self.

Because balance is the key to all of it and the greater lesson behind the unnoticeable ones we are dealt all the time, every day.

So balance your seas.

I've really not had enough sleep lately, so I decided tomorrow I was just going to take a day to myself.

Sleep in, get my affairs in order, get MYSELF in order, do some laundry, sort a little, and the rest, you know?

No actual things, just the fillers, which are so necessary sometimes.

And I'm looking forward to just waking up to an empty schedule - divine.

Again, I have so much love for you all.

Inexplicable, and quite common lately.

Weird and wonderful again.

The only thought I really want to leave you with, is Accept the Good you are Given.

Yours truly.

Good night, darlings.

M.

blade

Standing on a blade.

According to A., one must simply love it, the process, the blade and all the rest.

I like telling people they are interesting.
I really do.
More than that, I like finding people who actually are interesting.

Also, I fear the uncertainty, of people.
It confuses me and frightens me.

This is also coincidentally why I take comfort in being so sure, all the time, about everything.
It looks like strength, conviction.
It's not.
It's just my avoidance of blind panic, at the randomness of people.


i should write
i should create
i should act
i should dance
i should box
i should climb
i should yoga


Yours truly.
M.

...

KEEP
YOUR
BALANCE

Keep it tight,
and keep it close,
'cause I will find love,
and love will find me,
but if I let it rock my boat,
I'll never be happy.


Peace out.
Yours truly.
M.

..

Hey, kids!
It's mee.

So, for starters, here's my packing list for HK, written by A.

Neil's packing list for Neverland.

Underpanties

Hot shit bikini

Trainers and hiking shizzle

Shorts (2?)

Daytime lol tops (Scott Disick better be coming)

Family dinner clothes, playsuit is fine for this or whatevs but you know what this entails. 

OUT OUT FUN FUN. Shorts and top are very acceptable. 

Flip flops or some kind of daytime shoe…flip flops are best choice

Heeeeeels!

Something slightly warm for restaurants, cardigan or jacket or something

All the make up things

I'll bring my crimpers

Straightener for CURLY FUN?

PJS and maybe leggings for comfort evening

Sunglasses

Errr

Supremely comfortable things to travel in

Firstly, I love this list. Huge amounts.
This is what tomorrow and Tuesday will hold for me. Getting all these things picked out, washed, dried, and placed inside a suitcase.
Nice and neat.
Wednesday will be my first ever, proper connecting flight.
9.30pm TLN-HEL
11.40pm HEL-HK

Life currently.
Is odd.
I don't talk about these periods very well (I don't talk about many things well, maybe that's why I like writing), so I ask for your apologies in advance.
The truth is, I've let myself down.
I allow myself to fall into these very destructive patterns, and only realise once it's slightly too late.

There are so many good things around me right now, and I should spend every day being grateful for them, as opposed to letting these things go unnoticed.

I've got so many opportunities that just wait for me to work at them and make them happen.
I'll just give myself some credit, because these instances have got shorter, which is divine.
They used to take whole chunks out of my life.

Just kind of, gone. Written off.
But I've done the work, or I guess I'm trying to do the work, so it's getting better as we go.

I don't want to not write.
I don't want to not focus.
I don't want to shut down.

I don't want to become distance.

And for the sake of these things, I work, and I learn.

Lately I'm feeling so many things, I'd like to somehow keep track.
Not necessarily of each and every one, but feel a bit more, detached I guess.
Otherwise it's like, I'm dragged along behind them.


Here's a photo from this 2nd hand sale yesterday.
I found the Perfect Parka for 4 euros.
And I got this awesome ring for 80 cents, and 2 Christmas Surprise jumpers for me and A.

Yours truly.
M.

Can we also just appreciate the fact that when I took this photo for A. to show her my parka, I had slept 4 hours, by photography time at roughly 1pm, I'd had this make-up on for 16hours.

the self

So the thing is.
Most of us grow up and end up compensating for some unfulfilled need or desire throughout our adult life.

The majority of what's missing can be summed up, I think, as an unbalanced relationship with the understanding of our own value, or something that is also known as "self-love".
I've found that people very often have an almost defensive reaction when someone mentions the notion of loving ourselves.
As if it's wrong, or faulty.
As if we shouldn't.

The truth is we need it.
I mean, it's just the way it is.
If we don't respect ourselves, no one else will.
Without loving ourselves, the chances of finding someone who truly loves us are slim.
Truly slim.
I've yet to meet someone who would prove me wrong on this one.
(If you do know someone, please tell me the story. I would love-love to know.)

So.
For those who don't speak Estonian, I'm truly sorry for the lack of translating.

But the bottomline is.
Compare yourself to yourself, the rest is empty and meaningless.

Build yourself stronger, because if we're honest, it's the only place we will ever find refuge.

Yours truly.
M.


These are taken and edited from www.alkeemia.ee 

Piisavas enesearmastuses elav inimene:

•    adekvaatne enesehinnang
•    ennast väärtustav
•    on võtnud 100%vastutuse oma elu eest
•    usub enda võimetesse ja vajalikkusesse
•    langetab otsuseid armastuse, usalduse ja rahu pinnalt
•    maailma suhtes avatud meeltega
•    tunnetab oma tegevuse väärtust ise
•    vaimselt ja füüsiliselt terve, positiivsust kiirgav, energiat andev
•    tunnetab armastust endas ja kiirgab seda
•    on ennast kehtestav
•    on orienteeritud koostööle
•    tajub ressursside paljusust ja tõmbab enda ellu kõik vajaliku

Kui olete seda tüüpi, et teil on just raske asju lõpule viia, siis loobuge meelelahutusest seni, kuni teete asja lõpuni-esitate ära-annate üle ja teadvustage eneses see tunne, kui saite tehtu valmis enne tähtaega, õigeks ajaks või saite positiivse tagasiside osaliseks.

Hakake end võrdlema endaga mitte teistega.
Kas te olete täna armastavam, hellem, mõistvam kui olite aasta tagasi?
Kas mõistate oma sõnade, tegude, suhtumise tagajärgi endale ja teistele täna selgemalt kui aasta tagasi?

Kas teete iga päev midagi väikest, mis näitab, et oskate ennast hoida – leiate aega korralikuks lõunaks, sööte tervislikku toitu, kannate õiget rõivastenumbrit ja teile sobivat stiili, kas väljendate nii oma sõnas kui mõttes tänulikkust selle kõige eest, mis Teie elus täna võrreldes eilsega paremini on?

Kui hakkate tegelema teiste inimeste asemel endaga, võite märgata peatselt kolme olulist muutust –
- teie enesetunne hakkab tõusma
- teie tervis muutub paremaks
- teie suhete kvaliteet muutub rahuldustpakkuvamaks.

See kõik tekib hetkest, mil te otsustate, et Teie ise olete oma elu peaosas, võimeline selle kõiki aspekte soovi korral muutma ning õpite nautima oma elu ilusaks loomise vastutust, millega kaasenevad suurenenud vabaduse-, õnne- ja rahutunne.

projects

So.

Time to talk projects soon, darlings.

This autumn season.
The season is coming.
The Season of Work Things And Stuff.

Autumn used to have a very very, very, specific meaning.
Autumn used to mean knowledge, lots of it.
A huge intake of knowledge.
And then people.
And sometimes new people, sometimes old people.
But people.
And structure.
Autumn used to mean structure.
And knuckling down. Real hard.
Like, real real hard.
Like, working-butts-off territory.
Only the past few years this pattern has changed.
I used to look forward to that kind of an autumn.
I remember the feeling.
The "School Feeling".
I used to get excited, about autumn, and the smell, and the new pencil case, and paper blocks, and you know.
Developing, growing.
Getting smart.
The idea of getting smart.
Getting better.
And the idea of getting better.

So yes, this is why I liked autumn.

But now I fear it.
I don't know where this association came from, but somehow over time I developed a fearful view of autumn.
The dying, the decay, the cold, and mist, and fog, and stuff.

I'd really like to script myself an Autumn-Winter '13 season that I'll love.
Using all these ideas, of improvement, of knuckling down and getting smart.
Learning.
I guess I've forgotten how much I love learning.

I mean, I really do.

So.
Gotta work at this.

I might actually find some photos.
Or like, a school time photo.
I seriously liked it.
And I've forgotten.

Yours truly.
M.

honestly, and gently

The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.

Pema Chodron

This quote is absolutely sublime.
The meaning, and the wording.
This quote is simply sublime.

And I absolutely agree with this.
More than I can possibly explain.

Lately there have been two kinds of people around me, with a very clear difference:
Those who are willing to do this, those who are not.
The first kind are currently excelling and moving forward with their lives.
The latter however are stuck, really stuck in past patterns, and honestly just really moving backwards.

And exactly this has also been the central point and meaning of all my wonderings/wanderings as well, for the past 6 months.
I had got to a point in my life where I was on auto-pilot.
So now the question is - if I look at myself "honestly and gently" - what kind of a life do I want to live?
And the second crucial question that goes hand in hand with this one is - what kind of a person do I want to be?

To answer both of these I'll definitely write more than this one post, but this serves as a beginning of deciding something.

Upwards, and onwards, and towards new goals and things.
To live the life I want, and need, and deserve.

AND ALSO, wherever you are in your life, take the time to be proud of yourself for how far you have come and what exactly you have accomplished, ESPECIALLY with the little things.
Not the home-job-man-woman-dog-whatever cycle.
That's super boring.
But the little things that no one else knows to be proud of, but you know.
You know, that those are really the things that matter. the. most.
They make you you and they are your true trophies and diplomas.
So pat yourself on the back, give yourself a high-five or a handshake.

Because that is the stuff that matters.

With love.
M.

safe

How to keep an inner self safe?
That's my question.
How do you keep an inner self safe and sound and protected, and shining?

May your inner self be secure.
M.

noisy

Self-explanatory.

Look at some trees, look at some clouds.
Spring is coming, so ground yourself in whatever makes you feel peaceful.

I'm planning everything on Monday.
And that's my plan for now.

Noisy-noisy.
M.

return

I wonder how long it's going to take me to catch up with myself.

As in, I'm here now! In Tallinn. Or like, physically in Tallinn but honestly my head is all over the place at the moment.
I've been back for 4 days now and they've gone by very suddenly and with little or no awareness at all really, of anything.
Hey ho, I needed to sleep which I did.
But I'm getting a little restless.
So very soon I'm going to do..something.

I think I'm going to clean my space first. Make sure that the room I have in Tallinn for my use is airy and clean and ordered and mine.
I never used to enjoy a clean space because I think my head was so cluttered. But now that I've done quite a lot of work on what is what, and why and where and who, and there's so much more clarity, I really feel like I need to be in it, need to have it around me.
So I think that's number 1 on the list.

...I haven't got to number 2 yet.

However, here is something I do know.
I've said this to my friends before - why wait till much later on to go through with what is known as "the midlife crisis"?
(Yes, I know not everyone goes through this. And I'm happy for these people.)
What does this even mean?
What this usually implies is people going through some quite dramatic and highly emotional times which more often than not ends up in them re-evaluating and/or questioning their life, purpose, meaning, et cetera, add whatever else.

So my question is - why wait till then? 
If you feel that something I just not right, or just not clicking, PLEASE, DO NOT WAIT.
Sort it now, look at this today.
The sooner you shift what's misplaced and mend what's broken or discover what's lost and so on the better. Because these things do not just vanish and go away, they usually get stronger, even when hidden, and therefore harder to change or let go of.
Think of weeds. I'd rather get them out today than wait till they've stuck their roots really deep under all the nice patio tiles, ya know.

So, whatever it is, please, please have the courage to look it in the eye and see it for what it is.
It could be something small and rather simple.
If it's not, don't be afraid to ask for help. (I really recommend good, loyal friends. Love my parents as I do, they are just too involved.)

Don't look away from what you could be at your free-est. 
And close your eyes and imagine how good it would feel.
This is not about living on a beach or not having a job or eating chocolate cake every day, this is about you being the most you.
I don't yet know, I can but imagine, but it's about a thousand-fold better compared to where I was before, following a path, not knowing who's it is or why or what or where or HUH?
Where is the sense of waiting till I'm older if I can change this now, and take responsibility for my choices?
Makes
No
Sense

So.
Please, give yourself a chance to be the you-est you.
Some things end and their time runs out, so let them go.
Don't hang on if you know in the pit of your stomach or back of your mind it is really over and finished and outlived its natural life.

Spring is coming.
Have some serious courage, breathe deep and go be YOU - whatever that may mean, to you.

With love.
M.

loneliness

(This following post was brought about by the fact that I just saw an old friend who I used to be really close with in school, just when I moved here. And up until today, hadn't seen him in 4 years.)

Okay, so.
There's this thing that really confuses me. This thing that I do.

I make myself lonely.

Explanation.
I have lots of friends and lots and lots of acquaintances, that I've just gathered from Estonia and UK and all around the place, with these (almost) 7 years of travelling and roaming about the place.

Then I just seem to do my best not to see them.
And then I feel lonely.

Is it just me or like, this just does not make any sense, at all?

Okay, I would get it if I don't see anyone (apart from like my main 5-6 people) and then I'm absolutely jumping off the walls over the moon happy with this situation.
But this is not the case.

So therefore, through some logical-deduction, this makes no sense. At all.

If I don't want to be lonely, why do I make myself lonely?
Why do I cut myself off from all these people who would like to see me, or hear from me, or both?

Granted, I like solitude, form time to time. I like living in a serene, quiet surrounding - okay, fine.
But to self-create this loneliness? Think that I have to friends or people and almost envy those who do? When it's actually me who's creating this.
NON
SEN
SI
CAL

I mean, I have no idea.
M.


(If there is anyone else who does this, please please let me know why would anyone actually do this.)