monologue

(Excuse the language.)
(Didn't wanna delete it though. It adds to the tone.)

[2/24/2013 10:42:40 PM] ML: oh yes
[2/24/2013 10:42:49 PM] ML: f***ing jesus. this is gonna be so weird
[2/24/2013 10:42:56 PM] ML: F**K i want to work in theatre
[2/24/2013 10:43:41 PM] ML: so why not?
[2/24/2013 10:44:04 PM] ML: lol, i just had an internal A. go - well whats the f***ing problem then ASSHOLE? (less aggressive than that but you know)
[2/24/2013 10:55:48 PM] ML: okay
[2/24/2013 10:56:02 PM] ML: emotions. lots of fear. that i would like to "release" into the universe. and replace with excitement, thanks.
[2/24/2013 10:57:23 PM] ML: i hope youre sleeping. im still gonna carry on
[2/24/2013 10:57:40 PM] ML: f**k this is so exciting
[2/24/2013 10:59:50 PM] ML: i might vomit
[2/24/2013 11:00:51 PM] ML: i havent been this excited in so long. and i will do my f***ing utmost not to bury this under "expectations" and "fear" and "brand" and "image"

[2/24/2013 11:02:06 PM] ML: and i will write this monologue down


I've come back to the drawing board, and this idea is always there.
Always.
So why not.
I always say this, but these things take time.
As long as we are talking, and thinking, it is fine.

Yours truly.
M.

projects

So.

Time to talk projects soon, darlings.

This autumn season.
The season is coming.
The Season of Work Things And Stuff.

Autumn used to have a very very, very, specific meaning.
Autumn used to mean knowledge, lots of it.
A huge intake of knowledge.
And then people.
And sometimes new people, sometimes old people.
But people.
And structure.
Autumn used to mean structure.
And knuckling down. Real hard.
Like, real real hard.
Like, working-butts-off territory.
Only the past few years this pattern has changed.
I used to look forward to that kind of an autumn.
I remember the feeling.
The "School Feeling".
I used to get excited, about autumn, and the smell, and the new pencil case, and paper blocks, and you know.
Developing, growing.
Getting smart.
The idea of getting smart.
Getting better.
And the idea of getting better.

So yes, this is why I liked autumn.

But now I fear it.
I don't know where this association came from, but somehow over time I developed a fearful view of autumn.
The dying, the decay, the cold, and mist, and fog, and stuff.

I'd really like to script myself an Autumn-Winter '13 season that I'll love.
Using all these ideas, of improvement, of knuckling down and getting smart.
Learning.
I guess I've forgotten how much I love learning.

I mean, I really do.

So.
Gotta work at this.

I might actually find some photos.
Or like, a school time photo.
I seriously liked it.
And I've forgotten.

Yours truly.
M.

MARVEL

Iron Man 3 and the second Thor.
Dying.

I mean.
Let's face it.
I am Nordic Warrior.
And therefore this Thor madness just tickles my soul.
And Iron Man is a  h e r o. I mean, the guy's an engineer.
And Robert is so cool.

Lots of Marvel excitement.

Geek-o'clock.
M.

engine

A while ago I started this post about feeling like I turned the engine off.
I mean, a long long while.
It's a shame I don't remember the date, I like to place these things in a linear context. (Way in 2012 I think. October, November?)

And let's be honest - I'm still here. I'm still at a place where the engine is still off.
Like, I used to be SO driven it was crazy.
I don't necessarily want to be like that again, but I want some of it back, so so bad.

I'm not even going to try and figure out what happened, or where did it go.
Did i get scared? Whatever.

Truth is, everything we either look forward to, or everything we are afraid of, it all comes from within ourselves. So it's pointless running.
Cause it's based right here, in my pasty-looking pretty little head.

We project and we receive.
Project different and you receive different.

So why don't I want anything?
You see the thing is, it's really really starting to annoy me.
I want to do things, and look forward to things, but something is not clicking to place.
And it's making me sad, cause it's spring and you know. Spring yayy! Should be the time everyone usually gets super excited.

Ramble-y Tuesday lunchtime.
But whatever.
Where there's a question, you'll receive an answer.
I hope.

Turn. 
it.
on.
M.

new

No-energy-Maria here.

New energy.
Where to get energy from.
Nutrition, obviously. Good nutrition.
Exercise. All the happy-hormones and stuff make you feel better and more alert (maybe not straight after).
(Also worth mentioning that I've had around 0.5% bothered-ness to do any form of moving/working out lately. Thinking I'll "save energy". Bulls*it. I'm just being lazy. I'd feel so much better over-all.)
Then, like, new hair, I think, gives energy, in a way. Or at least changing my hair does have a very positive effect on me.
I think I might cut it. Not off-off, but definitely shorter. Medium-length, rather than long.

And maybe dye it. Anything to shake my out of this rather apathetic state.

Explanation.

Packing.
Anyone who hasn't had to move, I mean, really move, does not know how exhausting this is. Not like, oh dear, boo hoo, you have to put stuff in boxes, cry about it. But rather, you have to sort through the things. Deciding whether this goes, that stays, sifting through your life.
Not the top of my list, if I'm honest. It's just a tiring process. I never got it, before I had to move out of my boarding house. Jesus.

So therefore, project. More energy! Woo! I'm not lethargic, or sluggish as a person, so periods of this piss me off. Okay, sometimes they mean I need more sleep, or more this, or more that, at the moment it is simply a matter of "Work out a gameplan to get more energy wooo and stop moaning wooo!"

I just googled it.
A 3-minute sing-a-long dance session. (Quite like this idea)
Snacking and chocolate. (Haven't done enough of that today. This might be low bloodsugar, you know?)
Playing. (I like this. Playing. Like, an online-scrabble session if others are out.)
Getting more organised. (I hear you, sister, from my pile of crap.)
Listen to tunes. (I need some more of those tomorrow, thanks.)
Dress up. (I might pack tomorrow, wearing jeans and actual clothes, and do my make-up.)

Okay, so I will do all of these things tomorrow.
For now, I've played some really cute games online (www.orisinal.com) and had some chocolate.
And changed my Google background.

And I've decided to post a few photos, of course.
The thumbs up is for all of you who are in a similar state right now. Of just, No, thanks, life.
Thumbs up, because crap-ness passes.
Then there's one of me and my naked Ryan Gos pillow. Birthday present, oh yes. I highly highly highly recommend you all get one. It solves many many issues.
And then the last one is of my chilli hot chocolate, and a peanut butter and banana sandwich on toasted rye bread with dark chocolate sprinkles. My soul needs it.

Lots of un-stressed love to all of you.
M.

if in doubt....

...GET SOME EXCITING PLANS OUT.
(This is currently the stage of unofficial excitement.)

But more about this later on.


So.
I noticed that for some reason I have started giving myself the worst possible chance of success.
Because "if it's easy, it's not worth it"? (big fat whatever, doesn't actually matter "why", to be honest..)

one day.
it would take me one day to catch up with everything that's lagging right now.
just one day.
and I've been putting off this one day for like, what, a week? More than a week?
It's ridiculous. and just a whole separate level of sheer stupidity.
and if I don't catch up, it will give me more reasons, more excuses later on, to say why something didn't go like this or like that.
it's like I'm cushioning my own failure, ALREADY.
So as opposed to saying "heck, I tried, I really tried", I'd have to opportunity to say "weelllll, there was thiiiis, there was thaaaat... blah, blah, blah"
Madness.

Why not have a fresh cup of screw-you, aaand actually help myself?
Why not just for once give myself the ultimate best chance of success? And not turn myself into this pitiful charity case? (which I'm SO not.)
Why not?
What is this fear of failure?
Cause surely, every goal is just a step in itself, not a finite point. So okay, yeah, whatever, you failed at point A, but then there's point B, and point C, and point D, and (surprise-surprise!) point E, you catch my drift. So surely, preparation for each point only makes it better for the next one. And these points don't end at Z. They end when our lives end, because that's the point. You go, go, go, go, go, go. You do things, until you don't.
Fear of failure... Why? And failing at what?
(loads of noises indicating "being irritated".)

So fear of failure is just so. f*cking. stupid.
(and also very aggravating stuff.)

ps. I'm going to read this tomorrow morning. Maybe out loud, for good measure.
Peace out.

helping yourself
M.

more

1954 July Vogue

21.08.2012

Really really going for daydreams lately. It's nice. Really AWESOME-ly nice actually. And very much out of the ordinary.


Almost the beginning of the new season.
....well-well, this actually works on 2 levels - work season and season season. And it's therefore time to start thinking about the next season. Longterm, man. Longterm.
Everything is so longterm. The longterm thinking. Planning. Planning. Planning.

Well, I want to DO.


And I'm flying to Stockholm in 7 days (which was absolutely not a longterm plan, making it even better as a plan), which I am so so excited about I could actually blow up into little bits of goo right now.
EXCITED!

A is registering to the university today and also having her first viewing. Fingers crossed it's the dream one.

Do-ers.M.