exquisite

So the thing, mainly, is - I want my life to be exquisite.

And what I mean by this is that I want flowers, to sometimes see the sea and enjoy the little things.
Enjoy being, have good hair, eat good food.
Sometimes wear a big sunhat and maybe have a glass of wine.
Have a meaningful conversation with a stranger.
And sometimes not-so-meaningful ones with my friends.
I want music and birdsong and Nature.
Tastes and sounds and textures.
An exquisite life has people in it.
And joy in everything.


That's what I want and that's what I mean about an exquisite life.

Poetry, and sunlight, and freedom.

Freedom.
Above all, freedom.
Always.



Also, I have a problem.
I am fully aware that this makes me one of THE most ungrateful assholes ever to have walked the face of the Earth (..too dramatic maybe) but here goes - I hate my voice.
Not the sound of it, having it.
Especially lately.
It feels like, I'm blaming my voice for some things that have happened recently.
I know rationally this is ridiculous, but this keeps swimming to the surface.
This feeling of hatered towards my gift.
I'm too scared to say this out loud so therefore I'll write about this.


This is what is holding me back, this is the feeling that means that I'm holding on tight to my own tail and then wondering why I can't run forward.
This is the thing I keep coming back to.
All my restrain and life-boundary seems to be wrapped up in my voice.
All my freedom lies in it too.

It's so hard to muffle the voices saying it's not enough.
I guess by that way of thinking it will never be enough.

But I don't know how to shut it off.

But I can tell you here and now my friends that this needs to be solved, because if every time I sing it's going to feel like going through a meat grinder I will need to change profession.
And I don't want to do that.

So therefore.
A solution.
Turn off the voices, silence the chorus of disapproval.
I'm too good and too young for this.


My life was different when it was a theatre life.
It was very different.
So this really is all tied to the voice.
But it would be extremely stupid to run from this.

And one thing I have to stay away from is people who fuel any destructive fires.
I've got enough petrol as it is, thank you very much.
I rather need people who are gonna help me get rid of anything and everything flammable.


It's busy, in my head.


I wanna get free.
So I can use what I have been given.






And live my life, the exquisite way I want to.




With love.
Yours truly.
M.

ce soir

Tonight literally just hammered, and I mean, HAMMERED-hammered-hammered in, the message from last night.
Like, violently, hammered, screwed it in, nuts and bolts and all the hardware.

The Doing.

It's getting to a point where this is making me so frustrated.
This idea, this idea of not doing.

Apparently I've got pretty eyes.
That was really nice.

Theatre.
And life, and art.
And thoughts.

And competing.
And understanding.
And accepting.
And all the things.
All of them.

I just want to be what I see and know I can be.
Because of the deafening mundane-ness.

My problem has been - solo in the sandbox.
Well then f*ck me - don't be?!

Don't waste the partners.
Seriously.
Seriously.
Seriously.

Learn, and evolve.
And make smart analytical decisions, please.
Reason, and discover.


Empty sandbox or fascinating sandbox?
Surely this is what moves me, improves me, challenges me.
Tantalises, tickles and teases.
Seriously.
Surely?

What do I choose?

One frustrated cat.


In other news, tonight was so awesome.
Here's a photo from the set.
Super.
The future is now.


And I'm not going to wish love and light.
I'm going to wish, the productivity to make yourself shine.
Shine, shine, shine.

Yours truly.
M.

fall in love

“

Don’t fall in love with a curious one.
They will want to know who you are, where you come from, what your family was like.
They will look through your photographs and read all of your poems. They will come over for dinner and speak to your mother about how their curiosity has taught them things of use to her. They will ask you to rant when you’re angry and cry when you’re hurt.
They will ask what that raised eyebrow meant. They will want to know your favorite food, your favorite color, you favorite person. They will ask why.
They will buy that camera you liked, pay attention to that band you love in case there’s a show near by, they will get you the sweater you smiled at once. They’ll learn to cook your favorite meals.
The curious people don’t settle for your shell, they want the insides.
They want what makes you heavy, what makes you uneasy, what makes you scream
for joy, and anger, and heartbreak.
Their skin will turn into pages
that you learn to pour out your entire being in.
Don’t fall in love with the curious one.
They won’t let a sigh go unexplained.
They will want to know what they did
Exactly what they did to make you love them.
Year, month, week, day.
“What time was it? What did I say? What did I do?
How did you feel?”
Don’t fall in love with a curious one because I’ve been there.
They will unbutton your shirt
and read every scar
every mark
every curve.
They will dissect your every limb, every organ, every thought, every being
then walk back home and eat their dinner and never return your calls.
You will never be their lifelong expedition. The heart is a mystery only for so long.
There is no ache like loving a curious one
who chases every falling star and never catching one.
Who comes and sees and conquers
and leaves.

I’ve fallen in love with a curious one.
Maybe one day he will take the train back home
and be curious enough to read one last message from me
carved on a seat.

"There’s a curiosity in you that will move mountains some day
as effortlessly as you’ve moved me for years.”

Don’t Fall In Love With The Curious One

http://mlcli.tumblr.com/

AUGUST

And so with the Arrival of August, it's time for one of these.
(I started this last November, when I decided to pick a theme for each month, so I could monitor my progress in whatever field a little easier. I haven't done this in a long while, but I feel it's time. I want to have this month by its ovaries.)

And so, without further ado.
"A is for."

ARMASTUS. (love, in Estonian.)

Art. More time for the things that make me tick. My positive triggers. Creating something, sharing interesting ideas with people. More art. Watching or doing or whatever. Just, art.

Affairs. (...IN ORDER. I've postponed sorting a whole bunch of stuff, since I am still of course the self-proclaimed Queen of Procrastination Nation. However, since I'm increasingly getting fed up with this title it's really time to turn over a new page. And re-titled myself, something like, Crown Princess of Productivity? Anyway, you get the general idea.)

All-together.
Armour.
Alive.


Advice. I really have to learn how to understand when to ask for advice. I like to be a Know-it-all, but sadly, let's be honest, that's bullsh*t. No one knows everything. Besides, it's a lot more work figuring out something yourself, when I could simply ask. Why re-invent the wheel, eh?

Admit.

Assignment. I haven't challenged myself in a long while, so I think it's time for assignments. Whether it's fitness stuff, or just afore-mentioned getting my "affairs" in order, et cetera. Point being - I need goals, I need assignments.

Acceptance.
This one is important!
And goes out for everyone else as well as myself.
Plant alllll the seeds of acceptance, that you are worthy.
Of all the good stuff there is in the whole wide world.
We deprive ourselves of the chance of success and succeeding so often, saying "we can't do it anyway", even before we've made the first tiny step.
So please, you, and you, and me as well. Let's accept ourselves for exactly what we are and accept the fact that we are worthy, of all the good.

Absolute.
Admiration. (Admire stuff! The world, the weather, the clouds, pretty things, ugly things, interesting things, people, matchboxes, cool flowers, food, and rain, and yourselves, and your friends. Admire. The more admiration you plant into the world, the more you'll convince yourself that this is a Divine place to live in.)

Always.
Always.

Arrive.
Arrival.
Arrivals. Don't be scared to leave places and go explore. Arriving is awesome.

Animation. Same as admiration really. Live with animation. There's not much point in holding back. If you REALLY like something, say it, feel it and share it. Laugh too loud and jump too high.

Appreciation! Of yourself, of what you have. Appreciation and gratitude are too things most useful and most beauty-making.

Abundance.

Aloud.

Approval. (We seek for it, from our parents, our friends, the society, our employer, la la la, so on. What about yourself? Do YOU approve of the person you are? Do YOU approve of the things you do? So please, earn your own approval. And again, this goes straight to myself as well as for all of you who might need this.)

Aims. Aiming.

Alight. Set yourself alight.

Amazement.
AMAZEMENT.
Follow the amazement.

“Stay close to anything that makes you glad you are alive.”

—

Hafiz

So this is all I have to say about August.
This is the kind of month I want to have.

Most important thing is, that whatever you want to Accomplish (...just in case you missed the fact that this was an "A" word..), be mindful about what you are doing for it, and give yourself a clear structure of how to get to this.
This might be a state of living, a job, a state of a relationship, or a state of mind for you and you alone.
Point is, make sure you give yourself what you want.
If you won't, no one else will.
(I'll try to remember this.)

So, here's one to the beginning stage of a glorious month!

Happy August!
M.

honestly, and gently

The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.

Pema Chodron

This quote is absolutely sublime.
The meaning, and the wording.
This quote is simply sublime.

And I absolutely agree with this.
More than I can possibly explain.

Lately there have been two kinds of people around me, with a very clear difference:
Those who are willing to do this, those who are not.
The first kind are currently excelling and moving forward with their lives.
The latter however are stuck, really stuck in past patterns, and honestly just really moving backwards.

And exactly this has also been the central point and meaning of all my wonderings/wanderings as well, for the past 6 months.
I had got to a point in my life where I was on auto-pilot.
So now the question is - if I look at myself "honestly and gently" - what kind of a life do I want to live?
And the second crucial question that goes hand in hand with this one is - what kind of a person do I want to be?

To answer both of these I'll definitely write more than this one post, but this serves as a beginning of deciding something.

Upwards, and onwards, and towards new goals and things.
To live the life I want, and need, and deserve.

AND ALSO, wherever you are in your life, take the time to be proud of yourself for how far you have come and what exactly you have accomplished, ESPECIALLY with the little things.
Not the home-job-man-woman-dog-whatever cycle.
That's super boring.
But the little things that no one else knows to be proud of, but you know.
You know, that those are really the things that matter. the. most.
They make you you and they are your true trophies and diplomas.
So pat yourself on the back, give yourself a high-five or a handshake.

Because that is the stuff that matters.

With love.
M.

today

Today was a good day.

Picked up some music, practised, got out my diary once more (!!!) - it's been dormant for about 3 weeks, had some Vapiano pasta with the pretty one - creamy chicken all around, thought some good thoughts and had a fairly deep and fairly meaningful with A.
And that's how it rolled.

Bring on Wednesday.

Good Tuesday.
M.

The boxes and I, forever in love.

macklemore

Love is patient, love is kind

I don't usually enjoy rappers making songs about social injustice because it just doesn't feel sincere, at all (a personal reaction). So I don't rave about it usually.
However, Macklemore has done well, like super well.
This song is just so simple, and I believe him, and actually I believe all of his songs.
Everything from the video to the vocals and the loop, is just so goo.
And yes, Thrift Shop is beyond ingenious, but he has got so many good tracks with so much soul.

So dive into Macklemore.

I love Macklemore.

The kid's got a point.
M.