wwhhuuttttt

Well.

Well-well-well.

Well this was a day and a half.
I woke up 22,5 hours ago.
(This was written at like, 7AM.)

This day lasted 8.30 till 7.30AM.
And it was a good day.

That consisted of, Flowervalley open day, singing at a wedding, Svjata Vatra at Freedom Square for World Day in Tallinn, then nap at the Spaniard's, then town with E. and then madness ensued in Moment.
And then I walked home in the sunshine, with lots of birds and Lana Del Rey and daffodils.

And now it's half 3 and I'm sat here, with a towel on my head.
It's gorgeous outside but I'm not feeling it. I've spent so much time outside lately and it's quite nice being home.

The two previous nights have been succchhh huge learning opportunities.
And the lesson is:
Concentrate on yourself.

Fullstop.
Lesson over.

Now go, and study hard.

With love.
M.

This was this morning, at 7.20AM.

ourselves?

Okay, so I've been thinking about this for a while now.
And had this draft written but never finished.

I think this started when I was thinking of this idea of "working hard" at something. I've always been proud of the fact that if I want to do something or want to get something, I work hard.
Which is great and fine.
However, what if we're working hard at things that just don't deserve it?
Or things which will not bare fruit, because they don't have the potential?


We should all aim at and try to have enough respect for ourselves to recognise the time to walk away.

Often the need to work hard at something is emphasised, over and over and over, and over, and over again. As if the process has inherent value, regardless of the end.
Fine.
I get it.
It's good to work hard, and it will get you places.
But.

Sometimes things just run out of inertia and what happens then?
They come to an end.
Simple as that.

So I really hope, that when the time is right, you and I will have enough bravery to recognise the "stop" point. To say "thank you, this was great", and to walk away.
From anything at all - actual and tangible, or mental, anything.
Anything in your life.
Jobs, ideas, friends, partners, hair colour, your favourite pants, or the city you live in.
Anything at all.

Because at the very very very end of the day, this is your one life, and your own happiness. No one else's.
And even if holding on seems like a brilliant idea, it's not.

So I really hope you have the courage to recognise when it's time to walk away from something.
I'm really trying to start understanding which is which.

As ever.
With love.
M.

advice

Okay, so, here's some advice that I will try and stick to till I die. Literally, die. End of my life.

Don't lose your balls. 

(I sincerely hope you understand that by "balls" I mean, character.)


No one is worth it.
No one.
Ever.
At times in our colourful lives we might think that some seemingly more wonderful individuals are worth us losing our balls and/or our spines, but truth is, they are not.
Like, really.
No, honestly. They are not.
Okay, you will for the time being misplace your balls, and pretend to be something else for someone else, but once you find your spine again, then what?

Cause the truth is, if someone won't like you, love you, respect you, or even give you their time with your balls attached, they won't like you later on once you reveal them. (I mean, "SURPRISE! I'm actually a very different kind of person." Really?)

So it is truly truly easier for everyone involved if me and you walk through life the way we are, balls, spines and all, using the language we like, being as gutsy as we like, head high and proud.
Because we can only hide and pretend for so long.

I'm not just talking theoretically, I've done this too many times. With previous relationships, and meeting random people, or just subtle changes to impress someone.
It's much better than it used to be, but still I will occasionally find myself literally, literally pretending to be like something else. Or like, acting like just, NOT ME. And I catch myself doing it and think - hang on, what in the name of sweet baby Jesus was that? This is not you. This is not your character. This is you shoving yourself into a tiny tiny box that you yourself have labelled "What I think other people want".
But here's a news flash - and this is very important - people will be interested in you. 
This is the scariest and the truest lesson.
(There isn't one universal Miss SuperFantastic out there that every one just faints at in trouser-dropping enthusiasm. People like different things. People differ. It's simple.)
And once we have the confidence to have faith in this one thing we will find the right people, who want to know us better, and let the wrong ones go and let them meet the people they want to meet.

Because if we don't value what we are, nobody on this sweet-ass planet ever will.

Hooray for the raw guts and character.
With love.
M.

surround

the right people
the power of surrounding yourself with the right people
the right people for you
the people who make you feel something
the people who inspire you
or that you admire, and/or respect
one would be a colossal idiot to underestimate that power

and all those things we'd like to be or do, or even look like, but don't because of outward disapproval, is just bullshit.
there's a line between consideration and bullshit.

inspirational people.
who are my inspirational people?
who inspires me?

if you'd observe your life, as if it's not yours, what would you say to you?
as that person, as that surrounding factor, as an inspiration - what would you say.
what is that advice or the influence that is lacking.
and why not be that for yourself.
external, outward

i am not my mother
i am not my father
i am not my siblings, or my friends
all i am is me, whatever that is
i am me

I don't like being toned-down.
M.


ps. if I'd be that external influence, I'd say not to be scared of making decisions, and being in charge of a decision.
make my own decisions
not float along with other people's decisions, or wait for them to make one.