yesterday

Hey, guys!

This week is apparently about Doing.


Today I first of all went and got my hair dyed.
This girl who was in my year at school in Tallinn, is training to be a hairdresser and she needed someone for a dying guinea pig.
And I just had started feeling bored with my colour and she posted on FB asking for a volunteer for Monday.
And so we did it!
I wanted to feel like a cartoon Flame girl.

Pictures below.

And then I had a meeting at the National Opera about this gala we're doing at the summer festival.
It was so nice and inspiring and gave me so much forward driving positive energy.
So thanks, life, for this day!

Peace out. 

Yours truly.

M.

news

ALMOST time for some COOL news!

Almost.


For now, I'm drinking tea, clearing out things, and thinking about cool things that could and should happen in my life.
And spring is coming!
May-June-July.

MAY-JUNE-JULY.

For any of you who don't know, these months in Tallinn are GLORIOUS.


So peace out, my darlings!
Magic is something you make.
Follow your own heart, and s_rew all else.

WITH LOVE.
Always.
M.

belong

This man said something really nice yesterday.


He believes that people are born where they are born for a reason.
And I really like this thought.
I like this thought of our souls being where we are for some reason.
Because we could do something here, or help with something or better something.
I like this idea, of placement.
I really like this.

There's something really beautiful and serene about it.


So I was placed here.
And truth is, there IS a lot I could do here.
And I've always said what I'm most interested in is not people looking at me as I sing and then clapping, but rather making a difference.
Doing something and therefore leaving something behind.
I care about legacy.
And other people, especially young people.


This will not be very water-tight with some of you, and yes, travelling and searching and yearning, I know this too.
But I really, really like him saying it.
It somehow struck some chord or another.


Where do we belong.
What could we do.
Why are we where we are.
With love.
M.

last year

I just revisited the writings pre-moving and also today, one year ago.


And this was quite the experience!Maybe I shouldn't be surprised that it was this emotional.

I mean, pre-moving I was terrified! I was absolutely petrified out of my mind.
I can so clearly tell just by the way I was writing, I was just somewhere else. Eyes pressed shut, so I wouldn't feel anything, not feel the fear, feel the uncertainty.
Wow...
I don't remember the feelings at all so I'm grateful to have the writings.


Today a year ago I was back home, and had been home for almost 2 months.
I wrote about finding balance, and surrounding yourself with the "right" people - the people who fan your flame and give you courage to fight your battles and take your chances.
A lot of which I was talking about I have accomplished, tenfold.
Some of which I was talking about - I am yet to do.

But I'm just.......truly shocked at how much more aware I am.
Of life, of the sensory and the mental, the spiritual and the aural. All of it.
I was just, under a layer of polyurethane foam (I'll add a photo).
Just, a non-feeling, non-honest entity.
And to think I was torturing my brain asking why the singing won't go like I feel it could have gone?
Well that is exactly the answer.
God, I would just like to give myself-a-year-ago a HUGE HUG!


This just goes to show that whatever you think that there is or is not in your life, things can change so so so very dramatically, for the better.

If you only have the courage to follow your heart, and accept the challenges.


We can choose, we can take the time to MAKE UP our minds!
There is no rush, there is only an opportunity to grow and develop.
Don't be scared, you will always have someone to cheer for you!
Just make up your mind, honest and loud and brave!
You can lie to anyone, just please not yourself.


Take time and realise that all choices are yours.


I love, and love, and love you.
Times are getting interesting.
I will fight for what I want, I will fight for what is mine.
I will fight my own voices telling me "I can't" or "I'm not good enough".
I will fight them and I will win.


But I will NOT settle.


Yours truly.
M.

Polyurethane foam, a photo.



And what I looked like then.
Exactly a year ago.

1/04

Okay, so I'm trying this new thing.

And I present:
Working from home.



Basically, I have never been able to do this.
Home has never been a place for me where I can just calmly work (calm in terms of my inner feeling).
It's bizarre.
Working at home has made me so, jumpy is the word that comes to mind, and irritable.
And I'm really trying to change this pattern since town feels so loud.

I met the girls for lunch yesterday and stayed in the centre for about 5 hours.
(For comparison, I used to live in town, work in town, eat in town, town town town.)
So yesterday, I suddenly felt that it was too loud, too colourful, too busy, and TOO MUCH.
I came home and I realised how tired I felt, compared to how at peace I was at the fasting retreat.
This peace, birdsong, FRESH AIR, space to walk and move, grass and trees.
The things that make the world our world.
I felt like I had sat in a circus tent for hours - all this colour and movement.

So, back to my issue.
I wanna work.
If town is too loud, a simple deduction doesn't leave many options - home it is.

So I'm really gonna try this and untie this know that I have.

Work at home, since I can, and why not for now, you know? Just to come out of the post-fasting feeling of "too much".

So yep.
Home for now.
And so far, I'm sucking at working.


BUT.
This week following the fast is ALL ABOUT PATIENCE!!
This is realised yesterday.
The fasting itself takes so much patience, and now I'm back to the city-version of myself, the impatient, short-tempered one, who walks a little too fast, thinks a little too erratically.
So, coming out of fasting is the same - patience.
I want to live like that - patient.
I want to see myself like that - be patient.

That's all, happy Tuesday morning.
Peace out, all.

Love, always.
M.

merkaba

So this is a Merkaba.





I saw this and thought, "Look familiar?"





Triangle in triangle.
I seriously am obsessed with drawing them.
The one above is not the best example but you get the point.
And the crystal I bought is that exactly - triangle on triangle.
One pointing up, one pointing down.

Merkaba.
M.

fresh ink

Happy fresh-ink day, guys!

Happy Tuesday, happy nighttime and happy tattoos. 

Tattoos.

I love tattoos.

I love symbols.

It's magical, the power a symbol can carry.

Especially one with meaning to the carrier.

So here's my fresh ink.

I got the first one for my 20th and now this one for 25.

I want and need this to remind me, every day, that we should never try and control the uncontrollable.

Life flows like it flows. And all we can do is ride the wave, or drown under its mass.

And to help ourselves along, we have the 3 to take care of: body, mind and spirit.

Usually, when you balance your mind and get that peace going, your body will align itself, and as long as you'll feed it well, things are just rolling along. And then the soul or spirit can do its thing.

And THAT'S where freedom lives.

And unless there's freedom, things cannot flow and move and stay in motion.

Ride it, or drown in it - the wave, by fact and definition, stays the same. 

It doesn't change.

It's what You make of it that's different.

And that is Life and how I see it.

And I'm learning balance, and patience, and riding the wave, and letting my soul be in motion.

I'm learning to not hold on quite so tight.

I'm learning to LEARN from whatever comes my way.

And for this reason, my friends, I got a new symbol.

My symbol, my growth, my lessons, and gratitude to everything that comes my way.

Flowing like water.

LOVE.

Ride the wave.

M.

(every day)

birthday 1/2

I started this post exactly a year ago when we celebrated my 24th birthday.
And I promised then to upload some photos of the celebrations, which I never did.

And since it's now been a year I feel it is entirely fitting to complete this.


So.
Happy birthday, to me, for last year!

Question.
What was I celebrating?
What does anyone ever celebrate?

I think I was celebrating Home.
Coming home, having done it, having lifted some part of something.
Some ..inescapable situation, or feeling.
I was celebrating, a victory of somekind.
And it was really worth celebrating.

This idea of celebrations is heavily on my mind since I simply cannot understand why I'm so not there with this one this year.
It's bizarre.
I've always been a huge huge huge fan of birthdays.
And now all of a sudden.

But I think I just really do feel in the middle of some processes, and it would be silly to claim any victories.
I'll claim them next year - and Jesus, will I have victories then.

 (PS. I don't want this to sound critical, as if I need to cut myself some slack. I am fully aware I've come so far, and some of the things are amazing already. Just when you have the steam, don't stop to admire the view. Use the steam. Heaven knows we don't always have it.)

Love to all of you.
M.

forever

I wrote this draft a forever ago.

And now's the time to complete it.

tank and water spirit
what do both want
how do both get their goals
what are both rooted in

i want to be held, and loved.
but its easier to be a tank cause then i dont make myself vulnerable.

i am gentle.
very strong, but gentle

tank and water spirit.
women need fluidity.
they are the water, and the energy, and the flow.

So, that.

I don't think I see myself as a tank at all anymore.

I once thought this impossible.

I feel gentle. And soft.

Obviously fragile due to this, which is still taking a lot of getting used to.

But I am water, not a tank now.

And this for me is something worthy of my Quarter Century that's coming up.

It is something to which I can say I am proud of myself, and what I've accomplished within myself.

It still comes with the Lows, but I think I'm getting somewhere. 

A heart that never hardens.

That's what I want to have.

Forever soft, forever strong.

With love, always.

M.

 

and so..

..I bow out.

I take my hat, and put it on.
I take my coat, and button it up.
I take my scarf, and then tie it.
I take my bag, and close it, leave all the unwanted bits.
I slip on the gloves, and open the door.

I bow gently, and smize somewhat.
And leave.

I bow out.

Onto the next adventure.

Life is all about choices, and risks.
And decisions.

So this is mine.

I am not this.
I am something entirely different.

And therefore, I bow out.
Because I simply must.
Anything else would simply count as a crime against the Self.

A soul-crime.


So therefore, I take my hat, take a bow, and take a new route.


I Love you all.
Time to revisit some shaping moments in our lives.
Get to know them, and then leave them.

And always recognise the soul-time to bow out, and leave something, that no longer serves you.

Yours truly.
Always.
M.

close

October closes, and November has arrived.

And it's always like that in life.
One end marks a new beginning.
Circle circle circle.


I will get somewhere when I reach freedom in my voice.
That's when I'll get somewhere in my life, my career, I'll get into it.
I'll get into the sphere and the space I want to be in.
I'll get into the light and the depth.
That's when I'll open up, fully, and carry on from there.
So next stop, careless abandon.
The fearless freedom.

Only god knows what I'll do then.
Or what I'll sound like.

Becoming more myself.

And I want to have a heart that never hardens.

And also, how can anything change or happen when I can't get to know me.
Or like, if I can't get to the point where I feel like I know myself.
So me and me.
The age of me and me.

All the things I've felt today.
Over-whelmed mostly.
But hey, bottomline, I've felt.
So that counts for something.

Yours truly.
Love and light.
M.

freedom

From http://lazyyogi.org/
Love him.

And I love all of you right now.

Light.
Yours truly.
M.

“Discipline, as understood by a warrior, is creative, open, and produces freedom. It is the ability to face the unknown, transforming the feeling of knowing into reverent astonishment; of considering things that exceed the scope of our habits, and daring to face the only war that is worthwhile: The battle for awareness.” ~ Castaneda

Discipline has a negative connotation to most people. It definitely had that connotation for me in the past. Meditation changed that for me. 

On the outside, it looks very disciplined to sit for an hour each day in absolute stillness and silence. But on the inside, it is incredibly freeing. 

Take the idea of focusing, for example. When your mind is scattered in several different directions, then it seems like it takes effort to focus. But when you are entirely present in this moment with what you are doing, then focus is natural. It is effortless. How hard do you have to focus when doing something you love? The focus comes spontaneously. 

Well, when you are always present with what is going on, that focus is natural to you. The same goes for discipline. It is a matter of clarifying your aspiration and aligning your desire in every moment. 

If you are always battling with conflicting thoughts and feelings, you will only succeed in making yourself exhausted. Recognize what you really want and need and how those two are one. Then sacrifice all of your urges and desires that stand in the way. 

Self discipline means to remain unmoved by the transient and unimportant things that crop up on a moment to moment basis. This comes with practice and familiarity. 

But it is also worth noting that the discipline is only thought of as such when those conflicts are there. Once distraction and inner conflict hold now power over you, then there is just peace and the natural way of going with the flow of your life, the Tao. Not resisting what must be done and not avoiding anything. 

Namaste

release the swag

www.polyvore.com

So.

With the arrival of autumn, my annual feeling of being the most boring person in the country has returned.

So this has created my joint project with A. for turning on the outer swag.
The pretty one suggested going on polyvore.com, which might change my life.

Also, just to be clear, this boringness is absolutely external.
I don't feel interally boring.
I just think I look ridiculously boring.

Also, adding some boyfriend jeans to my wardrobe.
And using Kandee Johnson's videos to learn some new make-up tips.

Because this is where my head is at.
And apparently I consider this very important.

Yours truly.
M.

light

I'm passing over.
Seriously, lightest ever.
New territories, kids.
New territories.

Yours truly.
M.

extraordinary

..guts.

I plan to live with extraordinary guts.

But for now, most of this is a mess.
Still.
Old patterns and stuff.
But at the same time I'm trying to be mindful of this mess.
And not think this is the way it's meant to be.
But rather understand that I can change most things, all of us can. (And oh my, I didn't believe this a few years ago.)

Moving home has been truly glorious, but truth is, old context carries old habits. A lot of which I'm not interested in, at all.

I need to remember to always look outwards. (When it's not time to look inwards and only inwards.)

The weather is divine.
I'm gonna go to my cousin's spiritual or just-Being place (whatever people need) and get my head straight.
Then back to Tallinn and I've got a wedding I'm singing at, in this big church. So wonderful that. A wedding. Two people ACTUALLY being brave enough to do it. I have so much respect for that.
Then later on I've got a super exciting meeting and the little opening of this low-key courtyard place.

Happy Saturday.
M.

This is where I'm going today.

most

Compared to 6 months ago, I'm actually doing the things that frighten me most.

So go me!

If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you.
M.

create

I'm not creating, anything.
Lately.

Why.

Ridiculous.
M.

retrograde

A while ago I wrote about Mercury being in retrograde.
This time around it's time for Pluto to have some fun.
However, when Mercury's thing lasted a month, Pluto will have lots of funsies for 5 months and we're currently a month in.
So.

http://www.finerminds.com/consciousness-awareness/plutos-retrograde/

As ever, I don't follow these things knowingly. I stumbled upon this and in retrospective the first month has absolutely been following this song and dance.
Besides, these are all nice things and suggestions anyway, so why not.

The article's not very long, so if you've got a minute, look through it.
If anything is of use, we all get a point.
If not, no harm done.

Happy retrograde. 
M.


Me and E. spending a Monday night. Spanish one took the shot. Happy homeland times, one and all.

day and night

What
happens
during
the
night?

I don't understand it.
I go to sleep feeling perfectly alright, having been hideously useful during the day, done some concert stuff and so forth. Watched some Brideshead Revisited. Dream of some cool theatre stuff.
And then I wake up.

And somewhere between sleeping, and becoming fully awake, something happens.
And I wake up ..not sad, or anything. Just empty I guess.

And I battle it.
I battle it with music, and melon and more Brideshead and good thoughts.
But I would like to wake up and not have to 'fight' something.

The reason I'm writing about this is because this has happen for a few days now.
And it's just getting very tiring to be honest.

These are the times.
M.

gap

Whenever there's a gap in my blogging I can tell (and probably so can you) that it's a tricky patch.
But my tricky patches used to last months, now it's a few days - YAY!
I award myself a point.

But the main thing is that I'm moving, and things are moving.
And as opposed to digging myself into a deeper hole (which we all love doing), I'm getting myself out of it.
With the help of some trusty trusty, trusty friends.
Shout-outs from the heart go out to:
(in alphabetical order)
A.
E.

the Pretty one.
And last, but so not absolutely no-frikkin'-way last, the Spanish one.

Thank you.
I know I've said this to you each, at random times, but it's true.
And I don't expect you to help me so I'd thank you and fall over in gratitude, but I am, so truly grateful.
Because without friends like you I would never in a trillion years have the courage to do or decide the way I've decided. (So cryptic, ha!)

So.
Happy Saturday to all of you.
I'm off to see some friends.

With love.
As always.
M.