flame

Everything for the creative flame.

This is what my attitude should be.

This does not in itself warrant much.

It just means that I need to follow the path of my passion.

Or rather of the many many passions I have in this life.

I often look at these portraits of artists, photos right, and I think, they look so alive in being themselves.

That's the main vessel and weapon and mother and child of any creator.

The Self.

It's the deepest rabbit hole.

The smoothest sea and highest wave.

Not to follow every crumb of this would be idiotic.

Let's not do that, shall we.

Creator, mother, giver, taker, do-er, planner, executor, savior.

Now run.

M.

TRT

I'm back! Again. My second return in a week, or something.

Tartu was super.
It's our university town in the south of Estonia.
I stayed with some old suuupper friends, and it was so lovely I could almost die.
Both nights revolved around food, tea, food, tea, and chats, more tea and lots more chats, and boardgames. In short, an ideal combo!

It's strange how you have some people with whom it simply doesn't matter when you saw them last, or where or why or whatever, point is, you gel, immediately.
And it's one of the basic fundamental joys of the human life I think. Or at least, I regard it extremely highly.

And so I'm back in the capital, where it's warmer and less snowy.
I got the 7:46am train back with K. which meant a 6:45am wake-up, and now I feel almost like I've never had any sleep ever.
But seriously, this was a super duper 2-night break. So much delicious food, and lots of good atmosphere.
Also, shoutout to "Jane" for being a wonderful-wonderful hostess lady person! (Pingviiiiiniiiiid)

And now my cat is licking his little cat balls in a patch of spring sunshine. (...Too poetic not to share, sorry!)

Now it's tea-time and food time, and then I'm going to the gym, to run on a sunny treadmill and pretend it's warm enough to do that outside.
And lift my weights, like a machine.

Happy Tuesday, guys!

Go, adventure.
M.

Central-Estonia on the bus journey to TRT and snow, snow, snow. Happy mid-March!

Groceries in the bike basket. Simple things

Evening walk last night in the freezing cold. I really liked the lighting on the bridge

Light work, "Snake". Fine by me

Morning train! Hello, TLN.

advice

Okay, so, here's some advice that I will try and stick to till I die. Literally, die. End of my life.

Don't lose your balls. 

(I sincerely hope you understand that by "balls" I mean, character.)


No one is worth it.
No one.
Ever.
At times in our colourful lives we might think that some seemingly more wonderful individuals are worth us losing our balls and/or our spines, but truth is, they are not.
Like, really.
No, honestly. They are not.
Okay, you will for the time being misplace your balls, and pretend to be something else for someone else, but once you find your spine again, then what?

Cause the truth is, if someone won't like you, love you, respect you, or even give you their time with your balls attached, they won't like you later on once you reveal them. (I mean, "SURPRISE! I'm actually a very different kind of person." Really?)

So it is truly truly easier for everyone involved if me and you walk through life the way we are, balls, spines and all, using the language we like, being as gutsy as we like, head high and proud.
Because we can only hide and pretend for so long.

I'm not just talking theoretically, I've done this too many times. With previous relationships, and meeting random people, or just subtle changes to impress someone.
It's much better than it used to be, but still I will occasionally find myself literally, literally pretending to be like something else. Or like, acting like just, NOT ME. And I catch myself doing it and think - hang on, what in the name of sweet baby Jesus was that? This is not you. This is not your character. This is you shoving yourself into a tiny tiny box that you yourself have labelled "What I think other people want".
But here's a news flash - and this is very important - people will be interested in you. 
This is the scariest and the truest lesson.
(There isn't one universal Miss SuperFantastic out there that every one just faints at in trouser-dropping enthusiasm. People like different things. People differ. It's simple.)
And once we have the confidence to have faith in this one thing we will find the right people, who want to know us better, and let the wrong ones go and let them meet the people they want to meet.

Because if we don't value what we are, nobody on this sweet-ass planet ever will.

Hooray for the raw guts and character.
With love.
M.

morning

Good Sunday morning-ish time, ladies and gentlemen, and all your fabulous pets and whoever!

So today I'm planning to make up on the packing scale for yesterdays fun-day. Not that today won't be a fun-day, I'm sure it will, just home-fun.
A's gone into town to see people, J. is getting ready for lunch with parents, so it's just me with my porridge and Vit C drink, and Classic FM.

London's busy, you know.
There's just a time and place for everything, and a time for someone to enjoy whatever. Bottomline - things vary. Millions and millions of variables in every little thing we do, all the time.
And my time here is done. I'm so glad, again, that I've had the balls to look this fact in the face and act on it. So many people never tire of London, so so many people never tire of the place where they live, but also, so so many people are just too convenient to look the fact in the face that there is another place where they would be much, much happier. What this place is for me is yet unknown. I'm just going to Tallinn to recharge, breathe in, breathe out, anchor for a while, and then figure out where and why I'm going.
All in good time.

For now, I must make a loooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggg list of people, and places, and sights, and sounds, and actual things I want to take with me from London.
September 2006, this was a long time ago.

But for now, have a lovely morning, or if you're in a different timezone ahead of me then have a lovely afternoon, or if you're in a timezone behind me, I hope you're still sleeping.

Packing-mania.
M.

(blank sheet)

post-singing idyll

Children will be children.
Concrete grey.


My writings back in the day, before The Big Move, were so angry. Quick-tempered. Maybe I've lost my balls of writing.
Or maybe I've just calmed down. Or maybe I've just learnt how to calm down.

I did something good today. Something good for myself, and something I should be proud of.
So this is my moment of Congratulations-Maria-well-done.

"USALDA END JUHUSELE JA VAATA, MIS SAAB"
Trust youself to chance, and see what happens.

In retrospective it is kind of funny how scared I was of going away. I read it on paper, but I can't remember the feeling. I remember the night 23 days and 6 years ago when for the first time I packed my big red suitcase that has now become one of the 5 constants in my life. I remember the night, I remember my cat, my dad with some Coronas and lime (well done, Father) and I remember some numb panic. But the run-up - it's just gone.
Trust yourself to chance.

I'm kind of sorry I deleted my really melancholic blog, pre-dating the 2005 one.
I'd like to read it like now. A diary of sorts of how it has all been, and how it has gone.

Drum and bass gave it clarity. A very singular meaning and a razorsharp focus. Which was really lacking. Just non-existent.
M. is for Mayhem.