roads

So. 

This post is actually more about foundations than roads.

But I prefer it as the title.

So.

Foundations.

I was just thinking.

About preconceived ideas, about right and wrong, and all the shoulds and shouldnts.

And how terribly terribly hideous it is, to even think of building your foundations upon someone else's.

That would work like quicksand.

It comes to a point, or there should be a moment of realization, when a person understands that it's either themselves or nothing.

What I mean is - unless you get Yourself working, unless you commit and dedicate yourself to yourself, and face yourself as what you are, "nothing" follows.

What I mean by "nothing" is the void.

The convenient void in which so many people live their lives.

I'm not patronizing, or implying that I'm free of this, because I'm so not. 

But lately I've just really understood how take-no-prisoners it is - it really is yourself (balls to the wall fearlessness) or nothing (the numb void of structures created by someone other than yourself).

In between the two there's a million variables but in terms of attitude it honestly is This or That.

You can't be a tiny bit brave or somewhat partial to the mundane social constructs.

You either are or are not. 

Pick one. 

And then let it roll according to that.

I know what I'll decide, which I'll pick.

But I just have to do it.

Really do it.

And commit to myself tooth, claw and nail.

And not let it slip away into what someone else thinks or expects or wants.

Because that simply does not bring happiness.

And why waste this life we have. 

In other news, I'm going home today, from STHLM.

If I'm honest I'm not ready.

Or maybe I am. 

I don't really know.

It's rather - it's been super being here, to calm down.

But now I'd like to stay here for some more time and refocus my thoughts.

But hey.

It is what it is.

Home awaits.

And everything it holds.

Yours truly.

M.

adventures

The more time passes and the more I open my eyes to what's actually inside, I realise that all I want to do is adventure.
Genuinely, honestly, I want to adventure and see the world and fully embrace not knowing where I'm going, or sometimes where I am, or anything.
Embrace it and enjoy it.
To be the Me-est Me.

Slowly.
M.

change

Patterns.
We need them, they are in our veins because it is simply good for survival.
But sometimes our human nature doesn't understand whether a pattern is good or bad. A pattern is a pattern and if you repeat it enough times, it becomes us.

It's good to notice patterns. Some of them we could do without, others are quite useful.
But I think it makes life a whole bunch easier and more satisfying in the long run to recognise our own patterns.
Patterns of speech, patterns of behaviour, emotional patterns that we sometimes believe is actually our "character". This is messy work at first, but doable.

Of course you can ask, why? Why would anyone want to do this?

For those who are really truly inherently happy with the way your lives are going and your everyday being, the answer is, you don't need this, and feel free to scroll down.
However, from personal experience, I was doing well and I was "fine", but then I decided "fine" isn't good enough. I want to live my life in a way that makes me feel that I'm in the drivers seat.
Of course there are other people in this traffic madness, so I will simply never know everything. But when it comes to me, and my decisions, I now know they are mine. Not habit, not safety, not what I'm used to.

Noticing our own patterns eradicates this sense of "someone" being mean to us, or "life being unfair" or "fate dealing a crap hand". This external force that (it sometimes feels) we are fighting against becomes much more manageable, and not so gloomy and vast. Yes, life is unfair, and yes, sometimes the universe does deal a very very crap hand. But now it's our turn to play those cards and could still come out on top.

So for those of you who feel that you could be better at being you, go for it.

After all, that's what spring is for.

With love.
M.

advice

Okay, so, here's some advice that I will try and stick to till I die. Literally, die. End of my life.

Don't lose your balls. 

(I sincerely hope you understand that by "balls" I mean, character.)


No one is worth it.
No one.
Ever.
At times in our colourful lives we might think that some seemingly more wonderful individuals are worth us losing our balls and/or our spines, but truth is, they are not.
Like, really.
No, honestly. They are not.
Okay, you will for the time being misplace your balls, and pretend to be something else for someone else, but once you find your spine again, then what?

Cause the truth is, if someone won't like you, love you, respect you, or even give you their time with your balls attached, they won't like you later on once you reveal them. (I mean, "SURPRISE! I'm actually a very different kind of person." Really?)

So it is truly truly easier for everyone involved if me and you walk through life the way we are, balls, spines and all, using the language we like, being as gutsy as we like, head high and proud.
Because we can only hide and pretend for so long.

I'm not just talking theoretically, I've done this too many times. With previous relationships, and meeting random people, or just subtle changes to impress someone.
It's much better than it used to be, but still I will occasionally find myself literally, literally pretending to be like something else. Or like, acting like just, NOT ME. And I catch myself doing it and think - hang on, what in the name of sweet baby Jesus was that? This is not you. This is not your character. This is you shoving yourself into a tiny tiny box that you yourself have labelled "What I think other people want".
But here's a news flash - and this is very important - people will be interested in you. 
This is the scariest and the truest lesson.
(There isn't one universal Miss SuperFantastic out there that every one just faints at in trouser-dropping enthusiasm. People like different things. People differ. It's simple.)
And once we have the confidence to have faith in this one thing we will find the right people, who want to know us better, and let the wrong ones go and let them meet the people they want to meet.

Because if we don't value what we are, nobody on this sweet-ass planet ever will.

Hooray for the raw guts and character.
With love.
M.

morning

Good Sunday morning-ish time, ladies and gentlemen, and all your fabulous pets and whoever!

So today I'm planning to make up on the packing scale for yesterdays fun-day. Not that today won't be a fun-day, I'm sure it will, just home-fun.
A's gone into town to see people, J. is getting ready for lunch with parents, so it's just me with my porridge and Vit C drink, and Classic FM.

London's busy, you know.
There's just a time and place for everything, and a time for someone to enjoy whatever. Bottomline - things vary. Millions and millions of variables in every little thing we do, all the time.
And my time here is done. I'm so glad, again, that I've had the balls to look this fact in the face and act on it. So many people never tire of London, so so many people never tire of the place where they live, but also, so so many people are just too convenient to look the fact in the face that there is another place where they would be much, much happier. What this place is for me is yet unknown. I'm just going to Tallinn to recharge, breathe in, breathe out, anchor for a while, and then figure out where and why I'm going.
All in good time.

For now, I must make a loooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggg list of people, and places, and sights, and sounds, and actual things I want to take with me from London.
September 2006, this was a long time ago.

But for now, have a lovely morning, or if you're in a different timezone ahead of me then have a lovely afternoon, or if you're in a timezone behind me, I hope you're still sleeping.

Packing-mania.
M.

(blank sheet)

Miley Cyrus

Yes. Miley Cyrus.
I'm actually going to discuss Miley Cyrus.

But as ever, there's a reason.
So.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about public image and the people represented by a certain image, whether the image serves them or they serve the image.
Context. I went through a week or so of watching Inside the Actors' Studio. (If you don't know what this is, and you like actors, or acting, or interesting people, or interviews, or whatever, watch them. They're great. Very honest and good.) And I was watching Johnny Depp's one. And he was talking about how his first agent (I think) turned him into this pretty-boy-child-"star". And how this became his type-cast and how at some point he realised that was not what he wanted to do or wanted to be.
Therefore, being an example of the person serving the image, as opposed to the image serving the artist.

The reason I've been thinking about this is fairly simple: I'm growing up. I've been doing this singing thing at home for a long long time by now, and I've started feeling like the image I now serve is not the right one. Or maybe it used to be the right one, but is no longer. Blah blah, whatever, point being it's just not "right" right now.

And this is where Miley steps into view, kinda.
Miley and hair.

I don't like her. Maybe that's too strong. Let's just say, she leaves me cold. I don't feel affected by what she does or her movies, like "LOL" - it is simply not my cup of tea.
However, whether the hair idea was hers, and she just fancied it, or something to do with her PR team no one knows - regardless, it's brave, you know?
Hair.
Something so so simple. Most people have it, most people do stuff with it.
I dip-dyed mine some time ago, and a few people at home appear to be "shocked" because it's not "me".
I mean, what does that even mean?
I hadn't seen or heard of Miley's "big hair change" until someone mentioned it. Something along the lines of "that's not very Miley Cyrus".
Hair.
And what it symbolises.

I'm not a massive fan of her new hairstyle, which consequently is not the point either.
I simply give points to her for having balls and doing it.
Going from the top picture, to the bottom one, with her image as it was, to something else. It is brave.
So I salute that. The bravery to change.
Many of us censor ourselves, whether in the eyes of an audience, or in the eyes of our families. Hair, seemingly not very important - but what's to say we don't end up doing that with other decisions that carry more gravity? My hair, my skin, my life.
If I want another tattoo - how is it going to alter your life? It's not.

I respect Miley (3 words I thought I'd never say) for doing this.
Because it doesn't really change anything. Okay, some of her audience might go "uh-oh" but for the majority it doesn't really matter. Or if it does, then positively so. Most of her fans won't go OMG EW WHAT MILEY WHAT. It's hair. If anything, she's got some serious kudos for it.

So the bottom line is,
if you feel like you want to change something, or purple hair might make you happier and therefore more confident as a person and therefore make you shine in your own skin - Jesus, go for it!!
Because regardless of the fact that someone might not like it, it's hair. YOUR hair.
Or your education.
Or your skin.
Or your sexuality.
Or your religion.
And this is not far fetched. It comes from the same thing.

This does not just apply to people under some form of public scrutiny, it's everywhere, all the time, with everyone.

So I'll take my dip-dye, and be ecstatic about it, thank you very much.
And I might get another tattoo. And then I might cut my hair quite short. And then I might get a piercing. Cause, heaven forbid, I might have some fun?
Seriously. If a person doesn't have anything else to worry about than someone else's hair they should re-assess some stuff, pronto.

This has all been very ramble-y. But I hope you kinda got what I meant.
Am I a lesser version of myself with dip-dyed hair?

I don't think so.
M.