bodies

As summer is basically here for all intensive purposes, I have found myself thinking more and more about bodies.

It's always a topic - bikini bodies, summer bodies. 

For me personally the idea of faffing around in a bikini is not a problem, I don't cry about it.

However having said this, the approach of summer does make me think about the shape I'm in and how exactly I feel about this.

And then just now, I was on the bus, and I realized that I was telling myself that I shouldn't get into this summer shape excitement.

But why not though!

For starters, I'm lazy.

So therefore this is not brought about by a gnawing discontent with my softer parts, rather I just find myself faced with the realization that I do - for the most part of the year - neglect my body.

And the rebirth of the bikini summer time just makes me feel as if I'm meeting an old friend again, or as if all of a sudden I realized I've kept my pet locked in the basement. Which I wouldn't do.

So why does this body neglect happen.

I always get this omg summer is coming now let's get fit panic, and I think it can very easily come across as a response to the pressure from society to look as a stick, or whatever.

Truth is, this just comes - for me - from quite a positive place. Not go mental and shrink down on a leaf diet to fit into size Child swimwear, BUT it comes from a place of goddamnit sorry thighs that you haven't run or danced in so long, sorry arms that you haven't punched anything, sorry back that you haven't been bent. And sorry insides that I don't fuel you better.

I don't know if any women who get this summer approach panic excitement thing are with me on this one, but I just thought I'd share,y'know. 

It's not about punishing my fat layer because the sun is out. (Whatt.)

It's about letting my muscles run and jump, because the sun is out.

To an onlooking stranger both can seem the same I think. The reality is vastly different.

To me it's a reminder that I have this miraculous tool, my body, and a reminder of how much I DO like it.

(Even if the last time I really worked out was in October........)

(.....)

And I wanna do more!

SO.

Go crazy for your body beautiful, because it's amazing, because it's summer, because you have all the fresh things to eat.

Use the summer beach excitement to bounce about and whatever tinkles your nipples. do it.
Do whatever makes you feel great and celebrate.

This is actually going to be my solid spring-summer theme - celebrating.



Yours truly.
As always.
M.

waves

"If someone doesn't believe in me, I can't believe in them."

I don't know whose quote this is.
But this is the greatest truth.

If someone doesn't believe in me, I do not and will not - no, scrap that - Cannot believe in them.




Bring peace to my waves.
Bring peace.
I weather enough storms on my own.
I must give my Love for peace.
Child of storm, it just comes slowly.
But I must learn.
And I will.



Maria Listra, 35, -...and now fill this gap-
Writer?
Actress?
Anthropologist?
Humanitarian?
Educator?
Poet?
Artist?
Who?

Who.



A perfect stranger gave me a big bunch of flowers today.
And this made me very happy.


I want my ideals and my philosophy to drive my life.
Hand myself over to my soul.
In my heart I am a philosopher, therefore, I should live like one.


I love all of you.
This week, I'm taking everything very slow.
Babysteps.
I have time.



Seek beauty.
In everything.
Do no harm.
Make your heart happy.



So.
YOUR NAME. COMA. YOUR AGE IN SOME TIME. COMA. WHO? WHO? WHO?


Peace, always.
Yours truly.
M.

healing

I have a cold.
And it's bad.
So I'm in bed, drinking tea and trying to get rid of this nose blockage, somehow.

I googled this article about the emotional implications of illnesses.
I strongly believe that the huge huge majority of all kinds of ills we have are brought about through things in our lives, stresses, problems, whatever.
So this is what I found.

COLDS:Too much going on at once. Mental confusion and disorder.
AFFIRMATION:I allow my mind to relax and be at peace. Clarity and harmony are within me and all around me.
And in this instance, it's so right.
Confusion and disorder and so many things.
So here I am, with my cold.
But I plan to kick it out the door soon.

Love to all of you!
I hope you're embracing this spring, hardcore!

Peace.
Yours truly.
M.

exquisite

So the thing, mainly, is - I want my life to be exquisite.

And what I mean by this is that I want flowers, to sometimes see the sea and enjoy the little things.
Enjoy being, have good hair, eat good food.
Sometimes wear a big sunhat and maybe have a glass of wine.
Have a meaningful conversation with a stranger.
And sometimes not-so-meaningful ones with my friends.
I want music and birdsong and Nature.
Tastes and sounds and textures.
An exquisite life has people in it.
And joy in everything.


That's what I want and that's what I mean about an exquisite life.

Poetry, and sunlight, and freedom.

Freedom.
Above all, freedom.
Always.



Also, I have a problem.
I am fully aware that this makes me one of THE most ungrateful assholes ever to have walked the face of the Earth (..too dramatic maybe) but here goes - I hate my voice.
Not the sound of it, having it.
Especially lately.
It feels like, I'm blaming my voice for some things that have happened recently.
I know rationally this is ridiculous, but this keeps swimming to the surface.
This feeling of hatered towards my gift.
I'm too scared to say this out loud so therefore I'll write about this.


This is what is holding me back, this is the feeling that means that I'm holding on tight to my own tail and then wondering why I can't run forward.
This is the thing I keep coming back to.
All my restrain and life-boundary seems to be wrapped up in my voice.
All my freedom lies in it too.

It's so hard to muffle the voices saying it's not enough.
I guess by that way of thinking it will never be enough.

But I don't know how to shut it off.

But I can tell you here and now my friends that this needs to be solved, because if every time I sing it's going to feel like going through a meat grinder I will need to change profession.
And I don't want to do that.

So therefore.
A solution.
Turn off the voices, silence the chorus of disapproval.
I'm too good and too young for this.


My life was different when it was a theatre life.
It was very different.
So this really is all tied to the voice.
But it would be extremely stupid to run from this.

And one thing I have to stay away from is people who fuel any destructive fires.
I've got enough petrol as it is, thank you very much.
I rather need people who are gonna help me get rid of anything and everything flammable.


It's busy, in my head.


I wanna get free.
So I can use what I have been given.






And live my life, the exquisite way I want to.




With love.
Yours truly.
M.

thurs

Hey, sweets!!

Yesterday I did some work things I had been postponing and it was fine, no angst no nothing!
So I really really am so pleased about this.

Had some awesome vegan lunch and then went to see the newest arrival of our female army.
MY BABY GOT HER BABY!
So I'm paying both of them a visit again today, this time, armed with sushi.

And I'm gonna carry on doing the work things, a little here, a little there.
No BIG mountains of work to climb, no hundred emails at a time, no hundred thoughts at a time.
Just, a little at a time.

Also, as I was walking yesterday to Bébé-ville, I realised how much time I truly spend just thinking about work things.
And how counter-productive this is.
As opposed to think about it, and then feel tired when I actually start doing the work, I should learn how to really switch off, and then when I work, I work.
True, this "work" of mine is my true true passion. But still, come on, enough is enough.

So that's what I got to yesterday.
Today the skies are grey but I'm pretty peaceful.
My sleep and dreams are calm lately so this helps a ton.


So - half of the week gone.
The week of sorting unfinished business.
Am I actually doing it?
Kind of, but should make more of this, I'll feel better after.

Peace out.
Love, always.M.

hey, guys!!

I'm feeling so cheerful it's almost weird.

We're sat on the bus on our way back to Tallinn.

I'm listening to Beethoven's 9th (thanks, shuffle!), drinking birch tree juice and googling vegan recipes and Eco-shops in Tallinn. Post-fasting you basically have to recover for as long as you did the fast so in my case 5 days. 

This doesn't mean anything else apart from being super gentle to my insides.

Also, I really want a juicer.

Time to check the budget.

Peace and love and happy Sunday!

M.

i love

I love fresh juice.
I love juicing.
I love stormy stormy seas.
I love the green colour of spring.
I love songs that really make you feel something.
I love getting my hands dirty, mud, or paint, or whatever, sand.
I love reading something that I connect with.
I love freedom.
I love freedom.
I love warmth, warm thoughts, warm memories, warm feelings.
I love Love, and I love you.
I love being in love.
I love how steady I have become, how steady I've started feeling.
I love feeling like the sea.
I love open windows that have a clear view of the sky.
I love the boundlessness of nature.
I love stars, I really love stars.
I love having a feeling that something wonderful is going to happen.
I love people who inspire me to smile more and think that the world is a wonderful place.
I love piano keys.
I love the feeling of turbulence.
I love swings.
I love dancing, really truly love dancing.
I love my body, it's so cool.
I love having tattoos.
I love different cultures.
I love languages.
I love the divine mystical way this universe works.
I love making connections.
I love poetry.
I love feeling free and I love the ridiculous.
I love the moment when you feel that all this pain is just growing pain.
I love the feeling of infinite possibilities.
I love dreaming and daydreaming and when my dreams teach me things.
I love magic.
I love travelling.
I love falling apart to build something new.
I love really really strong thunder and lighting.
I love being nice to strangers.
I love patterns, and nice looking swimwear.
I love being at a beach, reading.
I love having warm skin.
I love that I will make new life one day, I really love that. I LOVE that!! That I will be Mother.
I love this mind that I have.
I love naked skin, I love the human form and I love wolves.
I love finding something or discovering something untouched, a thought, a feeling, anything, a moment.


I love so much.





But I don't understand why I'm ignoring my work, again.


2 days till fasting.
It feels like mentally I have started already.
I'm looking forward to it so much.


Tomorrow I will find my ovaries and not ignore my work.
Is this a promise?
Do I promise?


To have a good day tomorrow I should do emails, seriously, Jesus, some phonecalls, sing, write down a list of concerts, and then if I can tidy and laundry, and start packing.
But EMAILS. It's rude to other people, it makes their lives harder, it is annoying, and causes me stress.
So, my darlings, I ask you - why do I do it?

I don't know.
It would take me one day to get all my things done, up to date.
One day.


Goodnight.
M.

stuff

accept

Hey, guys.

So.

Today has been a day of Acceptance.

It feels like I've finally given in to the flow of the wider universe, the constant motion of life.

Not gonna lie, it feels like giving up in a way..

But I think this feeling exists in a way which in the long run will only serve me towards the positive end. 

However, right now, it feels a little.....hopeless.

Correction: very hopeless.

I guess the point is, we give up, stop fighting all the goddamn time, Accept what Is.

And then, sure, a little hopelessness is fine. I effectively have just created a void of some kind, y'know?

However, now it's up to me to fill it.

Fill this void.

With Love, inspiration, and kindness.

The space which was filled with fighting and holding on, is now empty. 

Acceptance and Accepting makes new space.

Creates new space.

Which today, right now, right here, feels EMPTY.

Emptiness, void void void.

Dark matter.

But this is okay.

This is okay.

Let go of what was.

Be grateful for what is.

And have hope for what is yet to (be)come.

The third one has to now become a huge priority.

I have chosen this direction, I've started discovering and searching and looking and questioning, and the "stop" button doesn't exist.

So all I can do is hold on, keep my focus, ride my wave, and have hope for what is yet to Be.

Oh, and definitely have to give praise where praise is due for how far I've got.

So, here's to you, Acceptance!

I've met you, I'll keep you and the stuff that's gone - well, I'll replace it with something that gives me FORZA VITALE - life force.

Peace and love.

I hope wherever you are, whatever you are doing, however far you still have to go - that you always have someone to turn to for guidance, a hug, or just company.

A shared life.

With love, always.

M.

transform

I found this article and I really like it.
I think Tantra has managed to get itself a bad name much thanks to people just seeing it as a way to lots and lots of sex.
And just, trivialising it.
So I like this article.

And this idea that one can go so deep into the heart of what it loves that it then becomes love itself.
What a nice idea.
And the idea that Tantra accepts everything as a part of learning, all of it. Everything that we might feel or meet - everything is a part of "embracing the path".
..which is more commonly called Life, y'know.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/05/the-yoga-of-tantric-love-7-reasons-why-its-not-just-about-sex/

To have Hope, Faith and Love.
The three Big Gangstas.

I happened upon the end of Shawshank redemption the other day.
What a glorious film.
And there was this quote at the end I'd never really noticed:

"Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And a good thing never dies."

Patience, and kindness.
Words into Actions.
I have a sneaky feeling this is quite literally the core and heart of this year.
My Quarter century year.

Actual harmony only lives inside.
With or without or whatever.
We are what we have.
10 points to me every time I remember this.

And I also like this idea about gratitude I read somewhere, that the reason why gratitude is so important, being grateful for everything you've got, is that sending this out as a signal, life and the universe gets a go-ahead for sending more stuff your way.

Trust in what you already know!


If you speak Estonian:
http://alkeemia.ee/artiklid/10-tarkust-Buddhalt/l-12/c-1587/

So this is a reminder post.
About important things.

With love.
M.


And just THIS, you know.
By a Spanish poet Antonio Machado, translated by Robert Bly.
Last Night, As I Was Sleeping

(just one verse)
Last night, as I was sleeping,
I dreamt — marvelous error!—
that I had a beehive
here inside my heart.
And the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from my old failures.

Sweet honey_from my old failures.
So divine.

tao

Love
Embracing Tao, you become embraced.
Supple, breathing gently, you become reborn.
Clearing your vision, you become clear.
Nurturing your beloved, you become impartial.
Opening your heart, you become accepted.
Accepting the World, you embrace Tao.
Bearing and nurturing,
Creating but not owning,
Giving without demanding,
Controlling without authority,
This is love.” 
~Lao Tzu, The Teachings of Lao-Tzu: The Tao-Te Ching

Yours truly.

M.

our fears

So.

Fears, right.

Our fears.

And how to tell the difference between a fear and the truth.

You know, we're told to trust our gut feeling?

Our gateway to universal truth?

But how to tell the difference between a gut feeling and a fear?

I guess a gut feeling is in the present.

You cannot "gut feel" the future. 

You can fear the future.

But the present, the here and now, that's a different game court.

I think.

Bottomline.

RECEIVE THE GOOD YOU'RE GIVEN.

With no reservations or past or future.

Really really truly receive it.

Accept it, embrace it, fully and honestly. 

With love.

M.

days

These are the days of miracle and wonder.

Human kindness is over-flowing, I think it's going to rain today.

These quotes mean only one thing, and one thing alone -

Peter Gabriel.

You are on and in my mind.

Today was a good nothing-day.

Tomorrow will be only a little bit useful.

It's incredible what you get when you face a fear, and let it go.

Just let it fade into nothing, and fill your holes, so nothing drains out in secret.

Absolutely spine-chillingly incredible.

The process is tiresome and wears you 

out and wears you down, but so what?

Challenge is good.

All of it is good.

And the sooner we realize that the better for our lives.

And also - doing the work with yourself and your life, means keeping doing the work.

That's why it's a process, because it doesn't stop.

I don't think you arrive at Bliss Station and call it a day.

The Bliss is the Process.

It's the continuing process of development.

And that's where the peace lives.

But it doesn't stop.

Flows as fluid as life.

Balanced, but super alive.

Universe and love.

Yours truly.

M.

visuals

I love pictures out of airplane windows. 

The clouds, and the stillness, and serenity.

Also, these two photos are taken a minute apart, as we ascended up.

I have such unconditional love for it.

Visuals.

M.

writing

I feel I have something to write about.
And I'm feeling so grateful that this feeling exists.
So grateful.

Firstly, this week and the triple bill of soul-shaking theatre has been ridiculous.
And I really hope it shook something loose.
Since I have a feeling there is something to write about it must have changed something.

I'm watching Louis Theroux's documentaries.
Now, if you do not know who this man is, please please do look him up!
His documentaries are great.
And he takes it all face-value.
As much as one can.
With an open heart and he just listens to the people.
But he does find the strangest topics.
Fascinating.

And I want things!
I want to go to India, go to Goa, go see and grow and go open up.
But this is not the time yet.
It would hit me too hard.
The time is later on, but I will do it.
Really, really, really, really, really.



And yes, I think, yoga this week with Pisces.
She mentioned her place at some point, and I need something to balance my mind.

I also decided not to do this competition thing later in November.
Not the time.

I mean.
This bit in my life is all about the shaking loose.
Therefore - I should move more.
I need to shake loose, all the emotions.
All of it.

And also.
This photo below is beyond my means of description.
The shadows.
The shapes.
If I would ever have to approach a naked woman in a sexual context, I would pass out.
How do you even begin, to approach this?
This form.
Also, this photographic example just popped up on tumblr.
It's not the details necessarily.
It's the Thing.
The Female being as such.

And when women don't value themselves, it makes my skin crawl.
It is so widespread, it makes women seek value where there is none to be found.
And also it wrecks so many children, and then the men.
And I'm not talking relationships, but a step before, the first source of Love.
The Mother.

Oh, women.
Seriously.

Nope, cannot.
Lack the vocab.




And so.
Happy Saturday, my dears.
It's such a world we live in.

And can I just say, Dalai Lama.
Compassion.
This is all we need.
Nothing else comes into play, at all.
Just compassion.

Be kind.
Yours truly.
M.