direction(s)

First of all.
Can I just say.
I know most of this makes me sound like an actual psycho, all this emotional instability et cetera.
BUT. It's not like I'm moaning or whatever because I think it's super nice.
This is just a by-product of what happens when a person undergoes some serious changes.
And these changes are positive!
But GOD it's hard sometimes.
Hard and BORING.
But whatever.
I much prefer being what I'm like right now, than what I was like before.
So I'll take the sh*t parts with a big pinch of salt, and on we go.
**

Well, well.
All this just keeps going up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down.


Same with today.
Everything is up and down.


Mid-April.

God, what/such confusion.


I really want something to hold on to in this current madness.
And so I shall hold on to the idea that this will pass, and the seas will most definitely calm down.



Peace and love.
Yours truly, always.
M.



Two photos below.
One from yesterday, one from this TV show from 2010.

la natura

“Above all, be at ease, be as natural and spacious as possible. Slip quietly out of the noose of your habitual anxious self, release all grasping, and relax into your true nature.”

—	Songyal Rinponche

I was thinking about this yesterday.

What is this thing that humans do.
Something is unbalancing all of this.

And then I realised that the one thing that lacks in Nature is comparison.

Lion A most definitely does not look at Lion B, and think: "...he's mane looks so good...I wish my mane looked that amazing..."
Or "...her legs are much longer than mine. I wish my legs were as long." ..and then carry on thinking about this and turn this into a prohibiting complex that will hold said lion back in its life.
Y'know?

What is that even about.

A tree will grow as it grows, according to its own call and urge, in accordance with the light and water and air it gets.
Grow and grow and grow.

We are all a part of La Natura. And I'm am so tired of being so nasty to myself.

“A flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it. It just blooms.”

—	from Zen Shin Talks

Everything feels too heavy.


I will buy a kaleidoscope tomorrow.





I know Light is where I need to be and grow, but I feel so unsure, that I just stay here in the dark.

I'm coming through the fire.

10/03

Today I woke up away from Tallinn, around 7.30AM, at the Pisces.
Her house is literally in the middle of this field.
It is divine and fills me with the purest of energies.
Coming to Tallinn never goes down too well.

Then I had a meeting.
We're recording this cover, for the summer.
Then I had a lesson.
It was ace. The Teacher is CRAY good.
Even on days like this.
I have SUCH gratitude that she exists.
SUCH gratitude.

Then I ate some cake, came home, and covered every part of myself in coconut oil.
Hair, skin, you name it.
I think it will fix everything.
Then I also cut some hair.

Then I made annotations on this aria, by Bellini.
Translated the whole thing and got my head around it a little.

And now I'm here, sat, on the sofa.
Just downloaded the new Greys Anatomy.
And soon, I'm off to bed.

I also booked some serious treatments today.
Found this Thai place in town, with Thai women doing the treatments.
I need someone with serious skills to bend me open, shift some energies and release whatever is going around in my system.
My back feels like it's carrying half of the Universe.

I feel this is the kind of week we're gonna have.
One where you really have to take care of yourself, when necessary.
Don't postpone it, don't over-look it, don't ignore.
Just listen to your body, and act accordingly.
It's your strongest nest and castle and stronghold.
Don't wreck it.
It's amazing.


Speaking of which - I should eat better.


With love.
Yours truly.
M.

tattoo

This tattoo.
Is incredible.

Tats.
M.

don't die at 25

“Most people die at 25 and aren’t buried until they’re 75”

—	Benjamin Franklin

This quote, is so true.
This happens (and happens visibly) so much.
You notice people around you, not growing anymore.
And this is me deciding, I won't do that.
I refuse to be safe, or choose safe.
I refuse to die this young.
This period of time is for choosing brave and showing some frikkin' courage.
I want to keep the trust of a child, for a long long time.
And the courage to go head first.
And to keep looking, for the thing that makes me happiest, in this world.
And believe that true love exists.
And fall in love with everything, all the time, every day, with no questions asked and no boundaries.
And eat ice-cream.
And run around.
Because when did having fun stop being a normality.

I won't die at 25.
I won't die at 35, or 45, or anything-5.

I will carry on developing, and seeing, and seeking.
And marveling.
And wondering and wandering.
And seeing magic everywhere.
Because otherwise there is no point.

With all the love I hold.
M.

ldn

Last few snaps of LDN.

My old housemate's cat, Jarvis. Who's like my soulmate and the most chilled out cat, ever.
Some light on my street view.
The den that I built with help from AJ like a week ago. This goes with my strong strong belief that we must play more. This is not something that children do exclusively, everyone should do more of this.

And the last one, up in the air, LDN to TLN, 13-02-2013

Snaps.
M.

advice

Okay, so, here's some advice that I will try and stick to till I die. Literally, die. End of my life.

Don't lose your balls. 

(I sincerely hope you understand that by "balls" I mean, character.)


No one is worth it.
No one.
Ever.
At times in our colourful lives we might think that some seemingly more wonderful individuals are worth us losing our balls and/or our spines, but truth is, they are not.
Like, really.
No, honestly. They are not.
Okay, you will for the time being misplace your balls, and pretend to be something else for someone else, but once you find your spine again, then what?

Cause the truth is, if someone won't like you, love you, respect you, or even give you their time with your balls attached, they won't like you later on once you reveal them. (I mean, "SURPRISE! I'm actually a very different kind of person." Really?)

So it is truly truly easier for everyone involved if me and you walk through life the way we are, balls, spines and all, using the language we like, being as gutsy as we like, head high and proud.
Because we can only hide and pretend for so long.

I'm not just talking theoretically, I've done this too many times. With previous relationships, and meeting random people, or just subtle changes to impress someone.
It's much better than it used to be, but still I will occasionally find myself literally, literally pretending to be like something else. Or like, acting like just, NOT ME. And I catch myself doing it and think - hang on, what in the name of sweet baby Jesus was that? This is not you. This is not your character. This is you shoving yourself into a tiny tiny box that you yourself have labelled "What I think other people want".
But here's a news flash - and this is very important - people will be interested in you. 
This is the scariest and the truest lesson.
(There isn't one universal Miss SuperFantastic out there that every one just faints at in trouser-dropping enthusiasm. People like different things. People differ. It's simple.)
And once we have the confidence to have faith in this one thing we will find the right people, who want to know us better, and let the wrong ones go and let them meet the people they want to meet.

Because if we don't value what we are, nobody on this sweet-ass planet ever will.

Hooray for the raw guts and character.
With love.
M.

spooky

When it all gets kinda groovy.
M.

strong

One word to describe your body.
"Strong."

Yes, thank you.

Strong.
M.

adventure

What would be greater
than the adventure
of really letting yourself be
whatever it is you want to be?

Letting yourself grow
into whatever it is
you shall grow into?

DON'T BE A PUSSY
AND TAKE THE LEAP