tonight

You know what, I'm going to bed happy tonight.

Really, I just realised this hasn't happened in a while.
That it's 0:38 and I'm in bed and ..smiling!!
So cool!
Excellent.
I'm really really liking this.


Oh, AND, I MOVED!!!
The same flat I helped move E. into some time ago and now the Penthouse is mine! :)
I'm renting for a few months, I decided to spend my spring-summer with circus, ease and happiness.
Therefore, I moved.
And Pisces is joining me soon!!
We're gonna have 2+2Fish=4Fish joint affair for the summer months.

For those who didn't know - I'm also a Piscean.


And now I'm here, in bed.
I've got a window open and the birds are singing.
Why, crazy birds? It's just past midnight!
So I'm in bed, listening to birds singing.
Some candles are burning and I'm drinking coconut water.

I finished some programs today, for Thursday concerts.
Tomorrow I'm going for a walk in the morning, then seeing a run through of this new Donizetti production at the National.
Then dad has offered to get me some stuff I need for the flat - a kettle, a pan so I can cook something, and something to cover the sofa with.


And so, good night.
I'm gonna smile some more and go to sleep.

Yours truly.
Love, always.
M.

reminder

“Water does not resist. Water flows. When you plunge your hand into it, all you feel is a caress. Water is not a solid wall, it will not stop you. But water always goes where it wants to go, and nothing in the end can stand against it. Water is patient. Dripping water wears away a stone. Remember that, my child. Remember you are half water. If you can’t go through an obstacle, go around it. Water does.”

—	Margaret Atwood

Everests

So, A. and I spoke about this thing, a long long time ago.
The idea of Everests.

Personal Everests.
And the fear of them.
And then I felt this question - when was the last time I climbed an Everest?

So, therefore.

It's time to climb the Everests.
All of them.
One at a time.
But it's time for the Everests.
And climb them we shall.

End of 2013.
There's still some time to go.
Time to do things.
Not loads, but there's time.
Time to be productive, time for things, and Everests.

Time to focus on what's important.
Ourselves.
Our family.
Our friends.
The people we want to communicate with.

He is able, who THINKS he is able.
And she who thinks she will climb her Everests, shall climb her Everests.


Today was a great day.
Listened to a great lesson, with a teacher I really really like.
So this is SUPER exciting.
Then went to the cinema with the Spaniard to watch a MUSE CONCERT.
Which was INCREDIBLE.
So intense days.
Crazy good, but intense days.

So now I'm going to try and get to sleep.
A rehearsal tomorrow.
And some lovely meetings.

Everests.
This is what I'm leaving you with.
E
VE
RESTS

Think about them.
And be brave enough to go for the climb.

With love and light.
M.


PS.

!!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-hJq1GSV8Q
Please listen to this.



---

An Invitation.

Come, winter - rip us all bare.
Past the hot veins, and tear the cosy flesh.
Freeze us, entirely, claw down to the bone.
Remove the impatient muscle.
Watch the name
the title
the numbers
and the figures
tumble away,
fly off
(like they never were)
become one with the white.

Just leave the core.
So we can mingle, touch each other past the pretense. 
Press curious tongues against the icy void,
The heart of the bone.

Let the wind rage through - cold and impersonal -
As we stand, (un)moved, ready to confess.
Let it coil its way around my ever-fragile skeleton,
And caress my truth as I uncover yours.
No warmth, no heat.
No lies.
All unravelling, together, in near-perfect sync,
Faced with what we are.

The storms will start fuelling a different kind of fire.
Barren, bare, raw.
But true.

Come, winter.
Please.
Rip us all
bare.

advice

Okay, so, here's some advice that I will try and stick to till I die. Literally, die. End of my life.

Don't lose your balls. 

(I sincerely hope you understand that by "balls" I mean, character.)


No one is worth it.
No one.
Ever.
At times in our colourful lives we might think that some seemingly more wonderful individuals are worth us losing our balls and/or our spines, but truth is, they are not.
Like, really.
No, honestly. They are not.
Okay, you will for the time being misplace your balls, and pretend to be something else for someone else, but once you find your spine again, then what?

Cause the truth is, if someone won't like you, love you, respect you, or even give you their time with your balls attached, they won't like you later on once you reveal them. (I mean, "SURPRISE! I'm actually a very different kind of person." Really?)

So it is truly truly easier for everyone involved if me and you walk through life the way we are, balls, spines and all, using the language we like, being as gutsy as we like, head high and proud.
Because we can only hide and pretend for so long.

I'm not just talking theoretically, I've done this too many times. With previous relationships, and meeting random people, or just subtle changes to impress someone.
It's much better than it used to be, but still I will occasionally find myself literally, literally pretending to be like something else. Or like, acting like just, NOT ME. And I catch myself doing it and think - hang on, what in the name of sweet baby Jesus was that? This is not you. This is not your character. This is you shoving yourself into a tiny tiny box that you yourself have labelled "What I think other people want".
But here's a news flash - and this is very important - people will be interested in you. 
This is the scariest and the truest lesson.
(There isn't one universal Miss SuperFantastic out there that every one just faints at in trouser-dropping enthusiasm. People like different things. People differ. It's simple.)
And once we have the confidence to have faith in this one thing we will find the right people, who want to know us better, and let the wrong ones go and let them meet the people they want to meet.

Because if we don't value what we are, nobody on this sweet-ass planet ever will.

Hooray for the raw guts and character.
With love.
M.

loneliness

(This following post was brought about by the fact that I just saw an old friend who I used to be really close with in school, just when I moved here. And up until today, hadn't seen him in 4 years.)

Okay, so.
There's this thing that really confuses me. This thing that I do.

I make myself lonely.

Explanation.
I have lots of friends and lots and lots of acquaintances, that I've just gathered from Estonia and UK and all around the place, with these (almost) 7 years of travelling and roaming about the place.

Then I just seem to do my best not to see them.
And then I feel lonely.

Is it just me or like, this just does not make any sense, at all?

Okay, I would get it if I don't see anyone (apart from like my main 5-6 people) and then I'm absolutely jumping off the walls over the moon happy with this situation.
But this is not the case.

So therefore, through some logical-deduction, this makes no sense. At all.

If I don't want to be lonely, why do I make myself lonely?
Why do I cut myself off from all these people who would like to see me, or hear from me, or both?

Granted, I like solitude, form time to time. I like living in a serene, quiet surrounding - okay, fine.
But to self-create this loneliness? Think that I have to friends or people and almost envy those who do? When it's actually me who's creating this.
NON
SEN
SI
CAL

I mean, I have no idea.
M.


(If there is anyone else who does this, please please let me know why would anyone actually do this.)

boring

I'm currently bored, by myself. As in, "I" am boring "me".
Hahahaa, such a ridiculous statement! But I mean, really. I can't even like, begin to describe. To be honest, you must have quite a good idea since you read this blog. But you know.
I haven't worn anything but my tracksuit bottoms and a hoodie for I don't even remember how long.

Tomorrow is a day off.
I will take one day, and I will refuse to think about moving.
I'm gonna meet H. in town, and we'll do something fun, exciting, and un-boring!

Current total is 8 boxes, and around 75kg.

Later on I think I need a good-long full-works bath, and to just sit, and watch TV or something like that. Keep up with some Kardashians, or watch the new Grey's anatomy. Or do my nails, some beautifying routines anyway. Something to remind me that there's more to life than dusty boxes, and trying to figure out whether I desperately need this one specific thing in my life or not.

I feel like a sock.
No, thanks.M.

this poem

I love poetry. I really really do.
And this just, I don't know why, as it is with poems, just hits the mark.
It just gets me inbetween the nerve-endings of my ribcage.
Every once in a while I'm just so happy to find one like this, one poem with this effect.
I hope you'll like it, some of you enjoy it, and that a few of you who love poetry will love it to the unreasonable extent I do.

12.22.
M.

lost and found

I got lost in him, and it was the kind of lost that’s exactly like being found.

― Claire LaZebnik 

LIKE THE SEA

"I
LOVE

YOU
LIKE
THE
SEA"

M.