weekend

Again, completing an old draft.
This was started in the beginning of May.

SO!

My Italian teacher was here end of April-beginning of May and at the end of his teaching period we had 2 concerts.
In addition to individual lessons we had a bunch of rehearsals with the other singers who had flown to Tallinn from allsorts of places around the world.
Croatia
Serbia
Latvia
Lithuania
Japan
Italy
I think I've forgotten someone.
But anyway - a real mix.

And my spring has been truly the one of a hermit.
And it was the most wonderful weekend!
We had our first rehearsals on the 1st of May and the last concert on the 6th of May.
And I just cannot explain how inspired I was by this bunch!!


First of all, the levels of talent, and more importantly, hard work and focus and persistence and consistency these (young) people showed was incredible.
The voices were absolutely mind-blowing.
And secondly, how incredibly nice and generous they were as colleagues!
Just crazy.
And how much fun!
I mean, because a lot of them were from the sunnier sides of Europe their attitude was very different.
So fabulously open and sincere.
Singing on the streets in the Old Town at midnight, the rehearsal fun, and working together, the post-concert meals. All of it.
I am so pleased and grateful that I met this teacher and through him met this bunch of people and got to share that amount of time with them.
It just gives you such energy to focus and work and have fun!

It takes all the work out of work.

Incredible.

I really hope I will get to see at least some of them if not all of them again some time.

And we could all carry on where we most certainly left off.


Here's to inspirational people.
I often forget how much it means and matters, the people who surround you.
It's not just about having people you spend your free time with.
This is all the people, all the time.
People you discuss your passion with, people you work with, people who drive you further, and upwards, and onwards, and give you speed speed speed and fire and life, and make you vivacious and ambitious and joyous, and any other word ending in "-ous", frivolous even.

Just their generosity, blew my mind.

I mean, I have so much performance experience it's crazy, but technically I need to grow in confidence, in terms of opera.

And the attitude of other singers was just so supportive and amazing, again, blew my mind.

I was freaking out before concert number 2 and one of the singer guys just said, "why would you worry. Sing for yourself and god."

None of them added fear, none of them made me feel like I was doing or choosing wrong.

Just an abundance of love and care.

Spectacular.

That's what life is about.
I saw this quote today, that if you cannot find people who help you on your road, walk it alone. I believe Buddha said something along these lines. And I believe this so much.
But I would like to add, once you find the people who Do help you, like you, guard you and keep you, keep them too. Make sure they know you like having them around, share with them, and help them too.

It's cool.
A life-shared.
That's one of the few things I think I truly believe in.
So I think it's time for me to start living by this as well.


Pisces and I celebrated moving in with planting some herbs, and one of them is RISING!
I'm so excited I can't even describe.


Happy Sunday, and Happy Monday!

Yours truly.

As always.

With love.

M.

waves

"If someone doesn't believe in me, I can't believe in them."

I don't know whose quote this is.
But this is the greatest truth.

If someone doesn't believe in me, I do not and will not - no, scrap that - Cannot believe in them.




Bring peace to my waves.
Bring peace.
I weather enough storms on my own.
I must give my Love for peace.
Child of storm, it just comes slowly.
But I must learn.
And I will.



Maria Listra, 35, -...and now fill this gap-
Writer?
Actress?
Anthropologist?
Humanitarian?
Educator?
Poet?
Artist?
Who?

Who.



A perfect stranger gave me a big bunch of flowers today.
And this made me very happy.


I want my ideals and my philosophy to drive my life.
Hand myself over to my soul.
In my heart I am a philosopher, therefore, I should live like one.


I love all of you.
This week, I'm taking everything very slow.
Babysteps.
I have time.



Seek beauty.
In everything.
Do no harm.
Make your heart happy.



So.
YOUR NAME. COMA. YOUR AGE IN SOME TIME. COMA. WHO? WHO? WHO?


Peace, always.
Yours truly.
M.

understand

So this is what I've been thinking.

All I need, is for my person to understand me philosophically.
All the rest can be overcome and whatever, doesn't really matter.

What I mean by this is - if I have to justify myself or over-explain myself, that is a no go.
If I have to justify why I believe that things WILL be better, and life CAN just go the way I want it to go, if I commit and make a plan and work for it, if someone makes me justify all this - the answer is NO.
If someone wants to question my enthusiasm for the future that I want -  S C R E W    Y O U.


Do not question my faith in a future of my own choosing!

Do not. question. my faith. in a future of my own choosing.
Just. Do. Not.

Therefore - NO.


I'll take my future, I'll take my belief, and faith, and hope, and screw you.
I am a realist.
Just in my world, this does not mean being an asshole pessimist.
It means helping and nourishing my own enthusiasm and the enthusiasm of others.
That TOO is realistic.
So f_ck you.

And THAT, my dears, is what I've been thinking.


With love.
Yours truly.
M.

belong

This man said something really nice yesterday.


He believes that people are born where they are born for a reason.
And I really like this thought.
I like this thought of our souls being where we are for some reason.
Because we could do something here, or help with something or better something.
I like this idea, of placement.
I really like this.

There's something really beautiful and serene about it.


So I was placed here.
And truth is, there IS a lot I could do here.
And I've always said what I'm most interested in is not people looking at me as I sing and then clapping, but rather making a difference.
Doing something and therefore leaving something behind.
I care about legacy.
And other people, especially young people.


This will not be very water-tight with some of you, and yes, travelling and searching and yearning, I know this too.
But I really, really like him saying it.
It somehow struck some chord or another.


Where do we belong.
What could we do.
Why are we where we are.
With love.
M.

time for business

So.

This is the scariest feeling I've ever felt in my life.
I think.

And I said once, I want a heart that never hardens.


So all we can do, is co-exist and co-inspire
And make sure we don't waste
Waste our time
Waste our talent
Waste our breath
Waste our sunrises and sunsets
And waste our joy
Because life is hard enough for us not to corrupt ourselves
So get on a swing
Laugh too loud
And delight in the ridiculous
Find someone to marvel with
Because everything is too serious anyway
Too serious and too sad
And too tragic
And too unfair and unjust
So keep hold of your own joy
Make sure you keep your shine
Be kind to yourself
And let others live through their own mistakes

And then.
Just like "something happens".
Something arrives.
Something arrives your way, something wondrous.
Something extraordinary is given to you.
It's like.
You are walking a road.
And when something happens - it kind of, disrupts your road.
It's like an earthquake.
But when "something arrives", it just.. arrives.
Slow and lovely and kind and WONDERFUL.
And natural.
That it just makes sense.
Like breathing.
And ... let's say you're breathing, yourself, for the first time in your life.
Just imagine, right?
That there's been these machines, for example.
Breathing, for you.
And then, all of a sudden, you breathe.

All by yourself.
You just breathe.
In, and out.
And it's fresh and divine and raw and Right, and it just makes sense.

But how do you trust your own lungs?
How do you get used to the idea, of your own breath, soft and secure?

I think Love is like that.
That you, just, you just .. it just is.
No effort. There is no effort.
Trust in your own heart beat.
Trust that you will keep standing up.
Trust your lungs, trust the air.
Trust life, and trust Love.

Trust Love.
Surrender to hope, and the faith, and the love.

And making love through seeing love, above and below.


Love is what we all are.

It's so natural.

We just need to tame a few steps back, mend our bones and take the jump.

We are Love.

And this is all I know right now.

Yours truly.

M.

tln

And so I'm officially back in Tallinn!

And writing on my laptop. Gosh, it's been so long!

So.
Happy Monday evening, everyone!

The three first concerts have gone extremely well.
Full houses and crazy great audiences.
And the program is so good, I absolutely love doing it.

Now I have 5 days till we have the next 3 concerts (2 on Saturday, one on Sunday) and then we're done!
It'll be so so sad!
I'll miss this bunch of people.
It has already been such a learning experience.

Seriously.
Life makes my head spin.
In the most wonderful way.
But I feel a little like a 5 year old who is spinning just a little too fast.
This feeling of great joy, and a little bit of fear, at toppling over.
But I guess even if my head starts to spin too much, and I do topple over, I will have people to gimme a hand, help me off the ground, and laugh it off.
So again, I always get back to this one point.
Fear is human.
Fear is natural.

Happy 3AM, everyone.
I've got too many thoughts.
Love to all of you.

Yours truly.
M.

images

And what they capture.



An Afghan man offers tea to soldiers



A firefighter gives water to a koala during the devastating Black Saturday bushfires in Victoria, Australia, in 2009



A Russian soldier playing an abandoned piano in Chechnya in 1994

http://worldtruth.tv/here-are-the-30-most-powerful-photos-ever-taken/

Find the core of your soul.

Yours truly.
M.

ce soir

Tonight literally just hammered, and I mean, HAMMERED-hammered-hammered in, the message from last night.
Like, violently, hammered, screwed it in, nuts and bolts and all the hardware.

The Doing.

It's getting to a point where this is making me so frustrated.
This idea, this idea of not doing.

Apparently I've got pretty eyes.
That was really nice.

Theatre.
And life, and art.
And thoughts.

And competing.
And understanding.
And accepting.
And all the things.
All of them.

I just want to be what I see and know I can be.
Because of the deafening mundane-ness.

My problem has been - solo in the sandbox.
Well then f*ck me - don't be?!

Don't waste the partners.
Seriously.
Seriously.
Seriously.

Learn, and evolve.
And make smart analytical decisions, please.
Reason, and discover.


Empty sandbox or fascinating sandbox?
Surely this is what moves me, improves me, challenges me.
Tantalises, tickles and teases.
Seriously.
Surely?

What do I choose?

One frustrated cat.


In other news, tonight was so awesome.
Here's a photo from the set.
Super.
The future is now.


And I'm not going to wish love and light.
I'm going to wish, the productivity to make yourself shine.
Shine, shine, shine.

Yours truly.
M.

fall in love

“

Don’t fall in love with a curious one.
They will want to know who you are, where you come from, what your family was like.
They will look through your photographs and read all of your poems. They will come over for dinner and speak to your mother about how their curiosity has taught them things of use to her. They will ask you to rant when you’re angry and cry when you’re hurt.
They will ask what that raised eyebrow meant. They will want to know your favorite food, your favorite color, you favorite person. They will ask why.
They will buy that camera you liked, pay attention to that band you love in case there’s a show near by, they will get you the sweater you smiled at once. They’ll learn to cook your favorite meals.
The curious people don’t settle for your shell, they want the insides.
They want what makes you heavy, what makes you uneasy, what makes you scream
for joy, and anger, and heartbreak.
Their skin will turn into pages
that you learn to pour out your entire being in.
Don’t fall in love with the curious one.
They won’t let a sigh go unexplained.
They will want to know what they did
Exactly what they did to make you love them.
Year, month, week, day.
“What time was it? What did I say? What did I do?
How did you feel?”
Don’t fall in love with a curious one because I’ve been there.
They will unbutton your shirt
and read every scar
every mark
every curve.
They will dissect your every limb, every organ, every thought, every being
then walk back home and eat their dinner and never return your calls.
You will never be their lifelong expedition. The heart is a mystery only for so long.
There is no ache like loving a curious one
who chases every falling star and never catching one.
Who comes and sees and conquers
and leaves.

I’ve fallen in love with a curious one.
Maybe one day he will take the train back home
and be curious enough to read one last message from me
carved on a seat.

"There’s a curiosity in you that will move mountains some day
as effortlessly as you’ve moved me for years.”

Don’t Fall In Love With The Curious One

http://mlcli.tumblr.com/

people

People who make each other extraordinary.

I like that.
There was just this bit in Grey's Anatomy (which might as well be my bible you know).
And there was this bit, about, "I would rather be with you, than be alone, because together we can be extraordinary".
And I like that.
I like the idea (and the reality) of having people, or seeing people, who just lift each other, who click, and something amazing happens.
They bounce off each other, there is something, a 3rd energy, something completely new.
A chemistry.
They just
make
each other
extraordinary.

And I love witnessing that.
So much.

IT is extraordinary.
Extraordinary.

And this happens all over the place.
With friends, colleagues, musicians in rehearsals, actors, dancers.
Or simple strangers.
It happens to strangers.

And it's amazing.

So when you find it, see it, or feel it, appreciate it.
Take it in.
And if you can, don't let it go.

Yours truly.
M.

Oh and, heal your psyche/psychology and find You.

things

this week

This week has been super busy and the countdown to HONG KONG has now shrunk down to 10 days!

When did this happen!

I meet Asia, in less than 2 weeks.
What an absolutely strange concept.

I don't know why, but I stilllll cannot even begin to understand just HOW huge this adventure is going to be!
So strange!
I really want to start UNDERSTANDING this, noww!

(So sorry for the excessive caps-lock-ing.)

I mean, really.
Usually I'm almost climbing walls with all the excitement when A. and I take on Stockholm.
So now, when we're faced with her homeground HK, I'm like struck dumb.

Anyway.
This week has been super busy.
Got some nice work things done, and seen some lovely friends.
Last night went out for a little while and then another clothes sale today.

The rest of today was just for resting, on my ass, and mostly horizontal.
Tomorrow marks the all-systems-go moment, once more.
Before official nap-time it's most definitely a time to plan tomorrow.

So, for now, I hope you have a lovely evening.
And I have a feeling good things are coming our way.

With love, and light.
Yours truly.
M.


This was for an educational concert program we're doing this season - yet to see how many schools.
Fingers crossed!


The other day I was wearing this t-shirt E. got me for my 16th birthday.
It's says MARIAQ on the back, and on the front a tiny picture of my favourite energy drink back then.
(I used to get to school super early, and I didn't like coffee back then!)


Outdoor Swan Lake next to the Opera House, with 100 swans.


Sung a little at my old school's autumn concert in the Nokia concert hall in Tallinn.
That was a first for me so it was super exciting!
Loved the dressing room and ID-card.






Also, this week marked my return to the gym, YES.


Got this coat at this big vintage festival like a month ago.
And today it earnt me a most devoted 5-year-old admirer on the bus.
No, seriously.
I think he thought I was an actual cat.

songs

Whatever doors I have in my heart and soul, this song opens them, steps in and has a slow dance.
All by itself.
In the moonlight.
Enjoying and sensing the movement.
Surrendering to hope, and the faith, and the love.

Surrendering to its own rhythm and time.
And making love through seeing love, above and below.

Why is surrendering so hard?

This song belongs at a wedding, with candles in jars, and people who care.
And all the I-can't-even.

Yours truly.
M, and Neil Young.

(un)important

I love this.

I think this is how I see love.

Appreciating the things, "the unimportant things you find important".
I love that.

Yours truly.
M.

STOP

Comparison is so boring.

Just saying.
Just saying.

99% of us do it. Why?
Seriously - to what logical, reasonable, or useful end?
It has none.
Like, none whatsoever, none at all.

So why?
Why torture yourself with the how much, how little, how big, how small, how tall, how smart, how blonde, how brunette, how rich, how poor, how emotional, how loud, how flexible, how multi-lingual, or whatever anyone is.
This who-has-less-who-has-more crap is so stupid.
It's useless and will never, ever, until the end of the burning Sun give any useful outcomes.
Ever.

So as opposed to listing all the things you are not (and in some cases can never be, ie. born Chinese, or have legs that are 10 inches longer, or be double-jointed, etc.), focus on what you are, and all the AMAZING things you can do with all of it.
(You don't lack, anything.)

And I should really do that too.

Trust the process.
Yours truly.
M.

TLN

Finally, finally back home.

Again, the gig went so well!
I just can't get over it, how much I'm enjoying it this year.

And tonight we had a really super audience.
Like sometimes you just get this awesome group energy I guess - I can't explain any other way.
And tonight was so good.

And now it's almost 3AM and I'm calming down.

Good night, everyone.
M.

lonely-cat time

Someone's having a PROPER party somewhere in our apartment building.
IT'S SO COOL!
One of them has a guitar and they are singing soooo many well known folky songs.

And so it's Friday night..

And UGH.
Whatever.

I was gonna write about stuff, but now I'm just over it.

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

Wtf.
For no reason.
So fun.

But as always, I'm working on it, roots up, to really get rid of it.
And as always it's a lack of personal TLC time.
Always is.
And the response is always to turn to external fire extinguishers, but I'm really trying.


So instead, here's a photo of my breakfast this morning with the Spanish one.
She's been gone about a second and I really miss her. Ridic.
We so did not finish our chats today.

Her's is the omelette, mine's the pancake (with fresh strawberry jam, not ketchup).



The gig tonight was another full house.
On our way to TLN I really thought I was gonna go into town, with the Pisces-2.
But then I got a bad case of a guilty conscience - gig tomorrow, should rest, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

blah
blah
blah
blah
blah

Bottomline.
Now I'm home, thinking WHERE IS MY PARTY.
Where are the people I want to see?
UGH.

Anyway.

The point is.
It's a messy night.

They keep getting sparser and sparser.

And I really, really wish one day they'll stop coming.

WHEREISMYPARTY.

F_k YOU, conscience.
M.

a lonely life

First of all, hello, all!
I'm back from "the South".
3 gigs later, I'm back.

They all went supremely well.
3 PACKED churches.
I'm so grateful, I truly am.
So the only thing to do is to stay super thankful, humble and work my balls off.

But I just have to say - it is a lonely life.
The guys I'm doing it with have wives and families and stuff.
I come home to the cat.
Love the cat as I do, but y'know..
It's just.
I'm not saying I want a family like tomorrow.
All I am saying is - touring gets sad, because I want to come home and SHARE this stuff you know?
With someone who cares about my existence.

AND I'm not moaning out of thin air - it is such a sharp contrast.
Having a fulll hall, with people literally loving what we're doing, or what I'm doing. You can see the emotion, we feel it and they feel it. And then coming home to nothing.
There was this little girl, who came up to the stage once we had finished just to hug me because "I was so nice".
I mean, seriously.
And then just four walls, my cup of tea and nothing.

This used to really really fuel the very unpleasant sides of my character back in the day.
Now I'm just better, I guess, at dealing with it.
Besides, I hear it coming way from the other side of the hill, which also helps.

And so, I'm going to power on.
Use some of the stuff the Spanish one recommended.
The nice stuff.


We had a picnic the other day, with the Tartu girls.
We chatted for a few hours, had some cheese and cherries and stuff.
It was so very nice.

Share, share, share.
M.

extraordinary

..guts.

I plan to live with extraordinary guts.

But for now, most of this is a mess.
Still.
Old patterns and stuff.
But at the same time I'm trying to be mindful of this mess.
And not think this is the way it's meant to be.
But rather understand that I can change most things, all of us can. (And oh my, I didn't believe this a few years ago.)

Moving home has been truly glorious, but truth is, old context carries old habits. A lot of which I'm not interested in, at all.

I need to remember to always look outwards. (When it's not time to look inwards and only inwards.)

The weather is divine.
I'm gonna go to my cousin's spiritual or just-Being place (whatever people need) and get my head straight.
Then back to Tallinn and I've got a wedding I'm singing at, in this big church. So wonderful that. A wedding. Two people ACTUALLY being brave enough to do it. I have so much respect for that.
Then later on I've got a super exciting meeting and the little opening of this low-key courtyard place.

Happy Saturday.
M.

This is where I'm going today.

aujourd'hui

Today was a Tuesday.
And the weather was nice.
I saw an old friend (although she's like a forever friend to be honest), talked some art with interesting people and then ended the day on this terrace, which is awesome.
So now I'm home. Chilling and being horizontal, with Biggest Loser.

I'm quite chilled out.
This feels nice.

I've got plenty of work to do, but I will wake up tomorrow morning and do that, and for now these thoughts are allowed to vacate my mind.

And leave behind, peace. Tranquil peace, which is of course emptiness in itself. But not the kind of emptiness that should ever be feared.
The good kind.

Oh, and, what I wanted was interesting people.
And this is what I got.
Tonight, I'm allowing myself to feel good about stuff, regardless of all the things I still need to do.
I will always have things to do.
But tonight, I'm allowing myself to feel good.

Allow yourself to feel good.
M.