Anyway. Life's been a general mumble-jumble for the last few days, so here's a visual catchup for you, instead of a written one.
Short version:
Had a gig on Thursday, then changed the backgrounds on my phone, always a big thing, and now I'm off to the National to practice (a friend of mine works there and she hooked me up with a PRACTICE ROOM).
Message of the day: Give up.
Really - Give. Up.
We don't know anything, and we cannot control anything.
The sooner you give up, the sooner you can start enjoying life and just seeing where life takes you.
Have faith in the good to come, but Just. Give. Up.
Stop fighting the current, give up and see where the forces carry you.
“Water does not resist. Water flows. When you plunge your hand into it, all you feel is a caress. Water is not a solid wall, it will not stop you. But water always goes where it wants to go, and nothing in the end can stand against it. Water is patient. Dripping water wears away a stone. Remember that, my child. Remember you are half water. If you can’t go through an obstacle, go around it. Water does.”
I started this post exactly a year ago when we celebrated my 24th birthday. And I promised then to upload some photos of the celebrations, which I never did.
And since it's now been a year I feel it is entirely fitting to complete this.
So. Happy birthday, to me, for last year!
Question. What was I celebrating? What does anyone ever celebrate?
I think I was celebrating Home. Coming home, having done it, having lifted some part of something. Some ..inescapable situation, or feeling. I was celebrating, a victory of somekind. And it was really worth celebrating.
This idea of celebrations is heavily on my mind since I simply cannot understand why I'm so not there with this one this year. It's bizarre. I've always been a huge huge huge fan of birthdays. And now all of a sudden.
But I think I just really do feel in the middle of some processes, and it would be silly to claim any victories. I'll claim them next year - and Jesus, will I have victories then.
(PS. I don't want this to sound critical, as if I need to cut myself some slack. I am fully aware I've come so far, and some of the things are amazing already. Just when you have the steam, don't stop to admire the view. Use the steam. Heaven knows we don't always have it.)
Mum came back from seeing Santa with my nephew and was giving me all the Lapland news.
It's nearly time for my next tour, we kick off on Friday and have 6 dates.
We're not rehearsing in the capital so tomorrow I leave for Tartu, which is in southern Estonia.
We have a pianist rehearsal tomorrow and then two orchestra rehearsals on Thursday. So sweet!
I haven't done anything with a big orchestra in so long, so I'm super psyched for this.
It's got some tricky bits in the program but let's do it!!
Tomorrow before we leave for Tartu, I need to pack, print all the lyrics, stick some crap in the washing machine, ring my hair dresser and eat lots of pasta, just for banter really.
So, I went to this lecture a few days ago.
The speaker was a woman who was a proper nature-child growing up, then graduated as a med-student, but decided to go back to her roots. And live in the forests, and let her true being shine trough - being a witch.
She shared some really genuine and healthy ideas about living life as a woman, as a human being, as a being of Nature, as an organism, about love, children, choices, bravery, fears, decisions and doubt.
Since women are glorious creatures (with a vast expanse of potential life where our uterus is), we are all a little witch-y.
And apparently no woman can actually access her full (witchy-)potential without having her life sorted first (in terms of the job she has, the living surroundings, her home). There needs to be balance.
And then there's me.
Moaning, literally moaning, when I know exactly, I know with such painful crystal clarity what I need to do.
I need to get clarity in my life. The same clarity of understanding, I need to apply this to my life.
Now.
And then, and only then, will everything else unravel, and very quickly. And in the right direction.
My path.
I need to transform this gelatinous mess (also known as my life currently), apply some balls, ruthless clarity and turn this mess into something clear and sharp.
And stop thinking of unnecessary things, when I know exactly what I should be thinking about. Or rather not thinking about. And doing. Doing
doing
doing
Life is not a bunch of theory. Life is practice. It's a practical thing. All practice.
So let's cut the theory balls, and let's get practical.
The little things. Buying yourself flowers. Cooking something nice. Seeing something extraordinarily beautiful. This is the simplest, and the best life-force, when times get a little weird. And it's also so easy to forget.
This is just so true, and also something we don't often think about.
We're not alone in whatever we do. We are always surrounded by the people we choose to be surrounded by.
Not only when they are actually present around us, but these people never truly leave us, by choice. Our own choice. They are there, in the back of our minds and in the corners of our heart.
So choose wisely. Because we are never truly alone. And even if and when we do feel so utterly alone and lost, maybe it would be time to look at the people who surround you. Who you have chosen to surround you.
Because nothing is external, and nothing is happening TO you (okay, let's stick this at 99%).
Most of the stuff in our lives including the negative and the emotional and the baggage and the thought patterns, all of it, is so open for change. And that, of course, lies with us.
We need people to fan our flame. Otherwise the flame will go out. And keeping your flame alive all by yourself is nearly impossible. Anyone who has gone camping knows this. So apply the same thing in life. We need people to fan our flame.
Mothers, and sisters, and daughters, and wives, and girlfriends and girl friends, and teachers, and lawyers, and busdrivers, and waitresses, and singers, and dancers and leaders and followers and CEOs and builders and women with lots of children and no children and women who like staying home and those who like going out, women with sweet natures and women with crazy ambitions.
Just
all
women
A tank, a fire and a fountain rolled into one.
Especially now that spring is coming, don't sell yourself short.
If you won't listen to you, no one else will.
If you won't respect you, no one else will.
Spring is such a feminine season so ride it like a pony, or a wave or whatever you fancy, point is, ride it.
Quote of the day, from A.
"Ditto to you wolf woman!
Lol coach of the female universe."
I think you are all awesome, in how much power you all carry, and for just being so HAWT.
So.
Nordic music is shifting the plains of my heart and soul right now.
Björk's "Bachelorette" is actually the first music video I remember seeing. Then I forgot about it for at least a decade, and then it made a comeback. I still can't put my finger on what was it about this video that literally burnt into my brain like acid. The colours and the cinematography, but something else. Maybe one day I'll figure it out. And Björk as a symbol, and Björk as a creative force. Or just a force of nature.
Sigur Ros just makes me really happy, and really sad (or maybe it's nostalgia?). And it makes me feel like snow. One of my friends once wrote somewhere that their favourite thing, or favourite music (can't remember) was listening to Sigur Ros on untouched snow. Actually it might have been some other band entirely. But that's beside the point. It makes me miss winter. Which is fairly rare, for the simple fact that if there's something I like less than autumn then it's a long, dreary winter. But Sigur Ros for some reason makes me miss all thing wintery.
Their music reminds me of a night when I was 15, going on 16 and it was I think the 20th of January, if I'm not mistaken, or something along those lines. That night I had attended my first rave ever, it was in a big warehouse and the blinded-by-the-first-love-of-my-lifetime-first-boyfriend was organising it with his friends. I was dropped home around 6am. And I walked home, with my mahoosive black winter coat that I still have and it makes me look like a bear-hunter. I was wearing some flamed DCs (?) and neon yellow gloves. And I had crimped hair. And so I walked home, across freshly-fallen icy, shiny snow. It was the clearest night I can remember in my life. The sky was so dark blue, like I was under a huge duvet. And the stars were all there. And my street looked like a Hollywood-set on a Sunday, so desolate, and peaceful. Like it was catching its breath. I used to live on the most beautiful street on earth. It was the smallest little street, so tiny that even taxi-drivers found it hard to locate. No one ever noticed it. A pedestrian and a car didn't fit at the same time. And that street looked good all through the year. I could probably cry human tears thinking of walking home from the bus stop, spring, summer, autumn or winter. It was just so sheltered and so beautiful in its small-small scale. And so I walked home that night, almost 8 years ago. It must have been around -25C, but I took my sweet time, because it was the most perfect walk home. And I was so - happy. There is no other word more fit to explain what I was feeling. Just steady peace and quiet happiness, at the fact that I was warm, I was calm, and I knew I was loved. And the snow. The streetlights were still working. And the air was just frozen in this serenity that only winter holds.
Sigur Ros remind me of this night. God knows why.
Sigur Ros remind me of home, and snow, and lots of space, and plains, just wide wide wide.
The sound of Lykke Li's voice does something very dramatic to my insides. It's hard to put a finger on or explain it, so I won't attempt either. But it does something. Literally shifts something. It moves me. Some things that do not usually move are moved, physically. Wounded Rhymes album is just another thing. That's all.
Homeboys. EWERT AND THE TWO DRAGONS. If you're not familiar with them (of course with the chance that you don't like this sort of music at all, but maybe you do), I really do recommend. The levels of musicianship are just crazy. CRAY-Z. I like EVERYTHING about this song. And I mean, EVERYTHING. Even the fact that the lead singer looks so much like one of my friends, which just makes the whole experience so much better.
