dialogue

I must have more dialogue with myself.
I cannot go on auto-pilot, this does not work and is eventually truly truly destructive, and therefore also very counter-productive.
I need to stay present and need to stay mindful.


Lessons in life.


Also.
Gratitude second.
I cannot believe that Life has been kind enough to send my teacher my way.
It's so bizarre how the destruction and creation came from the same source.
Mystical, I tell you.
Mystical.


Happy Friday, everyone.
I'm home for a sec and then off to Keiu's for a dinner party.
Which is just about the loveliest of all plans.


I cannot cross the line where my need for personal space becomes involuntary detachment.
Learn, child.
And be happy in this Universe.
Everything else is blindness and a waste.

Learning myself and learning my boundaries.
What an interesting ride.



Love, to all of you.
Yours truly, always.
M.

eclipse

This full Moon and red eclipse situation is such fun....
Literally, today has been crazy!!
The energy is just insaaannne.
But hey, all this Moon drama comes bearing good news and positive changes, so a-okay!
Bring it on, let's do it.
Out with all the old, IN WITH ALL THE NEW.


I want to fall in love with actions, not words.
I want to fall in love with reality, not ideas and wishes.
Reality, not fiction.
ACTIONS, not words!!

Seriously, sometimes I wish I just wrote about everything, names and all just how it is.
I know I won't, but sometimes I would really like to.


So.
I really need to be kinder to myself, respect myself more, love myself better.
This is really a task.
A real real task, a big task.
And this needs a plan.


Out with the old, out with all the old.
Time for ALL the new!

This is what full Moons and especially eclipses are about.
Cleansing, and purifying.
Jamming people into dead-ends so they would have to get rid of the crap.
Claw out.


Red is the colour of love and hate.
Red is the colour of blood and blood is life and death.
All the dualities.


If I could I would put some heads on spears.
Really.
Instead, I'm watching Vikings and thinking of starting Thai boxing on Sunday.
It's been a while coming.


Forever soft, forever strong.


NEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
Please-thanks.
Yours truly.
M.

wednesday

HEYY, GUYS!

(Message of the week below.)

I'm having the most unproductive week and I DON'T MIND :)

I've had a massage, got my nails done (the also have crystals on them, whaattt...) and eaten marshmallow bears, dipped in chocolate.
And I don't mind.
I haven't checked my emails, or thought work thoughts much, and I don't mind.


Omg, I've just seen that Hannibal Season 2 is out!
Quite seriously!
I don't get excited over TV, EVER, seriously, ever.
But this is different.
Mads being Hannibal.
Jay-sus I absolutely loved season 1. I think I watched it in a few days. The end was a little weak for my liking, but the narrative and the visual devices and Mads.
Yay, yay, yay.

Also, the Thai massage today was just something else.
It's a mixture of massage (as most of us know it), then some chiropractor-ish moves and then a whole big bunch of acupressure which I LOVE (that's acupuncture minus the needles).
You and the masseuse both down on this big mat on the floor, with special massage clothes, super simple Thai style shirt and pants.
It's so much closer, and personal, and gentler, I think?
Anyway, it is the best massage experience I've had to date.
So I will most definitely be going back.
If any of you readers are in Tallinn, do pay them a visit.
Superb atmosphere, and Thai women doing the procedures.
http://www.orientalhouse.ee/?lang=et

And in general - take time to pamper yourself.
That's my message of the week.
It's so so important.
Not to just have that One Super Special Holiday, but y'know, the little things.
Your lifestyle should dictate your job, not your job set the structure for your lifestyle.
Make yourself feel good, outside and inside (!!!), more than once a year.
Really listen what makes your body happy, really listen.
And follow it.

I guess that's all for now.
Change is good, change puts things in motion.
Motion is good, because motion governs all Life in the Universe.
Be gentle, be kind, internally and externally.
And do what makes you happy - claypots or maths or farming, or being a beautician.

So, peace out, warriors.
Be cool, I'm gonna watch Mads eat people.
And stare at my nails.

Always, with love.
Yours truly.
M.

birthday 1/2

I started this post exactly a year ago when we celebrated my 24th birthday.
And I promised then to upload some photos of the celebrations, which I never did.

And since it's now been a year I feel it is entirely fitting to complete this.


So.
Happy birthday, to me, for last year!

Question.
What was I celebrating?
What does anyone ever celebrate?

I think I was celebrating Home.
Coming home, having done it, having lifted some part of something.
Some ..inescapable situation, or feeling.
I was celebrating, a victory of somekind.
And it was really worth celebrating.

This idea of celebrations is heavily on my mind since I simply cannot understand why I'm so not there with this one this year.
It's bizarre.
I've always been a huge huge huge fan of birthdays.
And now all of a sudden.

But I think I just really do feel in the middle of some processes, and it would be silly to claim any victories.
I'll claim them next year - and Jesus, will I have victories then.

 (PS. I don't want this to sound critical, as if I need to cut myself some slack. I am fully aware I've come so far, and some of the things are amazing already. Just when you have the steam, don't stop to admire the view. Use the steam. Heaven knows we don't always have it.)

Love to all of you.
M.

endless

This is one of my favourite quotes, potentially ever.
Ever.

“So therefore I dedicate myself to myself, to my art, my sleep, my dreams, my labors, my suffrances, my loneliness, my unique madness, my endless absorption and hunger - because I cannot dedicate myself to any fellow being.”
- Jack Kerouac


Just this, in all of its honesty.
The hot and cold of this quote is just staggering.
And the thing is, we all have this. This endless absorption and hunger, for life, for new things, for seeing and seeking our personal truth.
Being like a hungry, hungry sponge.
We all have this.
And it should be able to run free.
This personal hungry sponge.
Free and wild.

Happy sponge, guys.

Yours truly.
M.

fire, walk with me

The amount I love the sound of Lykke Li's voice is quite difficult to describe.
And also the fact that she's collaborating with David Lynch is my Fact of the day.
This is SO on repeat.

Yours truly.
M.

15 days till HK

So this is how long I have left of September that I will actually spend in Estonia.

What.

Therefore I'm just going to re-cap some ideas from August.

And remind myself that I promised to get some stuff done before I leave.
And I truly plan to take this rather seriously.

I want to get balls rolling in September, so I can coast along in October.
This leaving-things-undone is giving me some anxiety and that is stupid.
So therefore, get all balls rolling in September.

Ie, 15 days.

Doable.
Tight, but doable.
Focus.
The perfect exercise in focus.

First of all, tomorrow morning, I need to get cat food.
And after that, the rest can follow.

15 days.
Of focused.
And measured.
Productive.
And effective.
Action.

I, too, wish to be effective.

Yours truly.
M.

---
Affairs. (...IN ORDER. I've postponed sorting a whole bunch of stuff, since I am still of course the self-proclaimed Queen of Procrastination Nation. However, since I'm increasingly getting fed up with this title it's really time to turn over a new page. And re-titled myself, something like, Crown Princess of Productivity? Anyway, you get the general idea.)
Acceptance.
And goes out for everyone else as well as myself.
Plant alllll the seeds of acceptance, that you are worthy. 
Of all the good stuff there is in the whole wide world.
We deprive ourselves of the chance of success and succeeding so often, saying "we can't do it anyway", even before we've made the first tiny step.
So please, you, and you, and me as well. Let's accept ourselves for exactly what we are and accept the fact that we are worthy, of all the good.
Appreciation! Of yourself, of what you have. Appreciation and gratitude are too things most useful and most beauty-making.

Earn your own approval.

“Stay close to anything that makes you glad you are alive.”

—

Hafiz

I would really like a shower room like this.

I love doing stuff!
Efficient Maria.

And a full English the following morning.

sell all the things

Tomorrow, Saturday, it's time for a huge huge vintage/2nd hand sale in Tallinn!
And Spanish and I have bought a table to get our hands wet with the buying and selling madness.

So currently my room is in a state unlike any other, because for the first time in 7 years I have all my clothes in the same place and out at the same time.
But I'm powering through!

Gotta wash, gotta dry, gotta pack 'em - and then I'm all ready for tomorrow!

First wash (whites) is on.
Next on the agenda is putting the to-keep items into boxes, which will stay in my room.
And the rest of the stuff into the suitcase and huge Ikea bag.
I'm thinking of making "spring/summer" and "autumn/winter" signs, so it's easier for the people to browse through.
I think that would help.
And we're also planning on getting some biscuits - I'd rather haggle eating biscuits, than not, y'know.

Getting this done will be a big thing for me.
It's been on the want-to-do list for so long, and it will mark another step towards the place I wish to get to.

And I will.

Website handy in English.
http://kirbufestival.telliskivi.eu/en/


Gosh, I want to get to the end of this.

Yours truly.
M.


(Doutzen forever in thr backdrop haha)

light the way

I must not forget this.



I don't believe in guardian angels really. Mum always has but they have never been my thing.
But many people along the way have said that I apparently have many.
As I said - it has never been my thing.

I now see it existed, for that reason.
As a guardian, to show me how exactly to carry on living my life.
Which is also why I saw the skies and the entire universe through it.
And myself, and my childhood, and the life I want.
The person I am, the person I could be, the person I do not wish to be.

And Love as I've imagined it.


Not to keep it this time, but to show me the way and path on which to carry on living my life.
Which is what I asked for.
Which is exactly what I asked for.
Direction and purpose.
For someone to show me the direction.

But I am only human so it has taken me this long to see it for what it was.
And as opposed to mourn the loss of something I thought I wanted to keep, I should rather be so grateful that I had this experience, this chance to shift my path.
To grow, and to change. Into someone a lot more like Me.

Because that's the greatest gift any one of us will ever receive.
And right now, I'm so grateful, it's stupendous.

And all this sense of loss or being deprived of something has gone, and all that remains is just gratitude, for having been given the chance to grow like that.
To have this reminder.
To have this sign-post.

It was never mine to keep, but it appeared to show me the direction.
Like in the folk tales.


And I have the Kaleidoscope to keep.
M.

need

"What do I need?"

Aaaaannnndddd we're back to that one.

My favourite question of all, the lack of which I realised last year?
That this wasn't in my vocabulary.

What do I want - oh, yes.
What do I crave - absolutely.
Or another favourite, what do other people need from me? Or need me to be?
Great.

But what do I need?
Apparently not.

So the age of What Does Maria Need is about to start.
I mean I swear I'll plaster this on my face or something.

What do you NEED.
M.


This was taken around 6.20AM, last Sunday morning, as I was walking home from this new place in Tallinn called Moment.
That night was circus.
That night was what I needed.

5 days

5 days non-blog.
5 days of some rehearsals, a lot of time in a library trying to find some music, which I found.
5 days of stressing about two gigs, and doing the two gigs, and them going well.

So in short all is well.
In some more detail, however, stuff's weird.
I still don't get where this weirdness is coming from.
It's boring to experience so I don't even know how boring it must be to read about it.
But as ever, everything is a work in progress, so I'm not despairing too much.

There's some things I need to do, and get done.
So I'll do that soon.

For now, I'm eating some cantarell mushroom pasta in Vapiano.
Seeing dad and the spanish one later.
Things need to be decided and I don't like deciding.
Note to self: make friends with decision-making.

I'll do my very very best not to disappear.

Peace out, lovely-ones.
M.

experience, my darling

Okay, I feel like I should write a semi-conclusive post about the experiences I've had of late.
There's so much stuff that I think I'm already starting to forget.
And I don't write this up anywhere.

So, where do we start.


Prince Rama and the birthday of the Cinema "Friendship", yesterday.
And the girls being super.
Imagine Dragons - Radioactive. Thankyou, A.
Make my systems blow.
New friends and people, S. and K. and E. a little.
And going out with K, and V.
RHIZOME.
Mutantants.
Tallinn Music Week in Von Krahl.
And Inga Copeland in Von Krahl - the music music music

Spanish one's truth time hitting the nail
on the head

Dance more
Dance
so much dancing lately

Easter service singing

Skype conference talking.
More safety in my own decisions

Della Reese and my ringtone "Come on a my house".
Best decision ever
ever

And one of the songs K sent me just making me get up, around 1am, and spending 6 minutes upside down. Mostly in downward dog, leg up, and trying to get back to my friend, supported headstand.
Why
no one knows
And Hallelujah emerging.
Last time I listened to that, 2nd of September 2006.
And it came back last night
Like I told myself not to listen to it unless I'm home.

Dying my hair dark
Lifting heavy stuff
Warrior time

Rhizome Rave
And new people, new people

And K and M-L.
Just, YES.
YES
And dancing with A.
The dancing

And whiskey shots and freedom

And my Guru cousin's lectures and seminars.
New insight
And logical insight
Techniques and things to do, how to get rid of the unwanted.
And everything to do with his place, Lilleoru.
Flowervalley

Looking for things to fan my flames.

The greedy kid being not greedy.
Change yourself and the world around you will change.



In conclusion.
The not-so-subtle message:

WELCOME
TO
THE
NEW
AGE

I Give Thanks.
M.


Ps, I bet I'll read this back in some time, and not understand one. single. thing.
Whatever.

And below, my trusty, trusty, trusty, trusty Hamsa.

today

Today is a REALLY weird day.
Two simple reasons.
First of all, my cat's got some tooth drama, but to the extent that he's gonna have surgery today.
Those of you who might not know this, I love my cat. But not like, awwwwwwwwwwwwww ohhh cat baby. No. I mean, this cat is a ghetto blaster boss man. The last level boss. He runs the mafia, runs the town and he secretly runs your life.
Hence, I respect this kitty a whole bunch.

And because of this surgery he is not allowed to eat the entire day.
Now then.
My cat lives for food.
He eats anything from raisins to beef jerky and all the cat stuff in between.
And all I'm allowed to give him for 8 hours is water.
And I'm trying not to worry about the surgery.

Secondly.
I've got this conference thing coming up in a few hours.
It's for this school in Tallinn who host a conference via Skype, so they get all sorts of people around the world to encourage and inspire students, to study abroad, or just to follow their path, or choose a new one.
And I'm one of the people talking today.

So these two paired together make this day very, very weird.

Hooray for weird.
M.

don't get greedy, kid

It is interesting how even the most seemingly positive things can draw out some negative patterns.
To be more exact.

This past week was absolutely spectacular.
I don't know what exactly I decided and when, but paired with Tuesday night, when I actually realised how ridiculously hindering my thought patterns were, something shifted.
And I was sliding on that wave for about 72 marvellous hours, when it was nothing short of audible how things were just somehow falling into place.
Sounds super, right?

It is, and was.
However.
An interesting side effect is that this gets almost addictive.
And so I decided to take a few days to calm down and prepare for the beginning of the week.
But I don't know. Now it's just a bit off.
Like, I got so used to "people" that now I'm a little --what? A little something.

So, in conclusion.
Don't be greedy, kid.

I suck at balance.
Always have.
And this same go-go-go-go-more-more-more-more-more-more-MORE-NOW thing got me to the point where I was in October, i.e. didn't want to do anything, at all.
This dance with everything and nothing.

Balance.
All of this is just a balancing act.
And what do you do if you don't know how to do something?
LEARN.

So I shall learn balance.

Greedy, greedy child.
M.

photos

This is going to be a ridiculous post, by the way.

I think E is uploading the pictures of the weekend madness tomorrow, but for now I'm going to forward to you my birthday in food.

Okay, so numero 1, A and I made Eggs Benedict (a hands-down favourite of mine, A's, AEM's and just our banterous breakfast from my LDN times) on Saturday morning, because we are awesome chefs. Egg on egg anyone? Thanks.
Numero 2, a little later on Saturday, A and I went to this awesome cosy Chocolaterie in the Old Town in Tallinn with my parents. We shared many many chocolate treats and this was my slab of cake. Milk chocolate mousse with a cream cheese layer and cherry jam-ish stuff. And it was divine. Not to sweet. Kicked butt.
And numero 3, is the pasta we demolished to put the world right again on Monday, with the pretty one, just before A's flight. We went to Vapiano (again a shared favourite of all three). My one on the left is chicken, orange-chilli sauce and pak choi, JESUS I've had it so many times and it doesn't get old. And A had her sausage and fig thing.

Nom-nom.

Eat well.
M.

singing

So.
I use this blog as my personal wall space.
If I could actually use the 4 walls in my room, and write on those, I would. But that would be a bit annoying afterwards.
So I use this as my personal space where I blurt out whatever needs blurting out.
And this has helped me a lot, in terms of getting clarity and staying on top.

So now I thought, if I've managed to help myself through this blog, why not see whether I could do the same in terms of singing. This won't mean loads of technical boring stuff. But rather more of the same, but with a singing angle.
Singing for me is the most psychologically charged subject matter. I think it's partly because I started singing so young and kind of grew up judging myself. So now, whenever I sing I can just feel that voice in the back of my head start to criticise again. Criticism is good. But not when all you do is just bash yourself in the face with it.

Cause I do worry a little, about my singing stuff. The line between working on actual issues but then just steering away from hard work is so thin I think. But I might apply my workout logic with this: "If it's hard, to more of it."

I'll see how this goes, or doesn't.M.
My absolute favourite 'work' photo of me, ever. Ever.
And the second one is a bunch of flowers that this old man gave me after one of my summer concerts. These simple simple flowers were just so sincere and therefore, a photo of them.

loneliness

(This following post was brought about by the fact that I just saw an old friend who I used to be really close with in school, just when I moved here. And up until today, hadn't seen him in 4 years.)

Okay, so.
There's this thing that really confuses me. This thing that I do.

I make myself lonely.

Explanation.
I have lots of friends and lots and lots of acquaintances, that I've just gathered from Estonia and UK and all around the place, with these (almost) 7 years of travelling and roaming about the place.

Then I just seem to do my best not to see them.
And then I feel lonely.

Is it just me or like, this just does not make any sense, at all?

Okay, I would get it if I don't see anyone (apart from like my main 5-6 people) and then I'm absolutely jumping off the walls over the moon happy with this situation.
But this is not the case.

So therefore, through some logical-deduction, this makes no sense. At all.

If I don't want to be lonely, why do I make myself lonely?
Why do I cut myself off from all these people who would like to see me, or hear from me, or both?

Granted, I like solitude, form time to time. I like living in a serene, quiet surrounding - okay, fine.
But to self-create this loneliness? Think that I have to friends or people and almost envy those who do? When it's actually me who's creating this.
NON
SEN
SI
CAL

I mean, I have no idea.
M.


(If there is anyone else who does this, please please let me know why would anyone actually do this.)

sunbed cheeks

The best compliment I've heard this summer is "you outrageous lady".
What made it the best compliment was the fact that this was from a mature person, an esteemed teacher, about my performance of a Mozart aria.
SO MANY THINGS that don't usually count as outrageous.

But there I was. Outrageous. And a lady.
Love. IT. ALL.

So today I went on a date, with myself.
I am making a bit of a hoo-haa about it, but really - it was just that lovely.

I spend a lot of time out of the house. For some reason I don't get cosy at home, or comfy. Sometimes I do want to spend an entire night in, but this is so so, SO rare.
So I spend a lot of time out. And hence tonigh was triple cool. Because it was one of the best alone nights I've had, in such a long time.
Maybe it was the view from the large windows of the 9th floor, maybe it was the rain outside that was trickling down these large windows in the most cinematic way, ever, maybe it was the city lights, maybe it was the time (around 8pm), maybe it was the coffee, maybe it was what I was wearing, maybe it was the fact that I was warm, maybe it was the cheese on my risotto, or the 2 candles, or what-e-ver.
It just was.
And it was great.

One of those when you sit, and go, okay, this is life, I am here, and this is all good.

This is all good.
M.

(And 1am sunbed-cheeks. Yes, yes, yes,)