untitled

All life is, is a continuing journey towards our true (or truest) self.

home

Happy Tuesday night, everyone!

Pisces has joined me in town today so this is our first official night in the pad.

I've been here a little over a week.

So far we've had a celebratory cider, planted some herbs and listened to the crazy loud birdsong.

I think it's a mix of having a park right behind the house and also being on the 5th floor - the birds stay at the very tops of the trees and therefore the clarity of their sound from here is crazy.

It's the most divine soundtrack. 

I unpacked my books today and spoke to dad about the need to celebrate.

Anything. Everything.

Life.

He agreed and said he'd come for a flat-warming party as soon as possible.

I loved his enthusiasm!

So now I'm in bed, ready for sleep.

We will see what tomorrow brings exactly but today I will sleep easier.

Peace and love, darlings.

Yours truly.

As always.

M.

dialogue

I must have more dialogue with myself.
I cannot go on auto-pilot, this does not work and is eventually truly truly destructive, and therefore also very counter-productive.
I need to stay present and need to stay mindful.


Lessons in life.


Also.
Gratitude second.
I cannot believe that Life has been kind enough to send my teacher my way.
It's so bizarre how the destruction and creation came from the same source.
Mystical, I tell you.
Mystical.


Happy Friday, everyone.
I'm home for a sec and then off to Keiu's for a dinner party.
Which is just about the loveliest of all plans.


I cannot cross the line where my need for personal space becomes involuntary detachment.
Learn, child.
And be happy in this Universe.
Everything else is blindness and a waste.

Learning myself and learning my boundaries.
What an interesting ride.



Love, to all of you.
Yours truly, always.
M.

waves

"If someone doesn't believe in me, I can't believe in them."

I don't know whose quote this is.
But this is the greatest truth.

If someone doesn't believe in me, I do not and will not - no, scrap that - Cannot believe in them.




Bring peace to my waves.
Bring peace.
I weather enough storms on my own.
I must give my Love for peace.
Child of storm, it just comes slowly.
But I must learn.
And I will.



Maria Listra, 35, -...and now fill this gap-
Writer?
Actress?
Anthropologist?
Humanitarian?
Educator?
Poet?
Artist?
Who?

Who.



A perfect stranger gave me a big bunch of flowers today.
And this made me very happy.


I want my ideals and my philosophy to drive my life.
Hand myself over to my soul.
In my heart I am a philosopher, therefore, I should live like one.


I love all of you.
This week, I'm taking everything very slow.
Babysteps.
I have time.



Seek beauty.
In everything.
Do no harm.
Make your heart happy.



So.
YOUR NAME. COMA. YOUR AGE IN SOME TIME. COMA. WHO? WHO? WHO?


Peace, always.
Yours truly.
M.

visuals

Hey, guys!

Happy spring!

I hope it's spring where you are.

Anyway. Life's been a general mumble-jumble for the last few days, so here's a visual catchup for you, instead of a written one.

Short version:

Had a gig on Thursday, then changed the backgrounds on my phone, always a big thing, and now I'm off to the National to practice (a friend of mine works there and she hooked me up with a PRACTICE ROOM). 

Message of the day: Give up.

Really - Give. Up.

We don't know anything, and we cannot control anything.

The sooner you give up, the sooner you can start enjoying life and just seeing where life takes you. 

Have faith in the good to come, but Just. Give. Up.

Stop fighting the current, give up and see where the forces carry you. 

Adventure, right?

Love, forever and always.

Yours truly.

M.

birthday 1/2

I started this post exactly a year ago when we celebrated my 24th birthday.
And I promised then to upload some photos of the celebrations, which I never did.

And since it's now been a year I feel it is entirely fitting to complete this.


So.
Happy birthday, to me, for last year!

Question.
What was I celebrating?
What does anyone ever celebrate?

I think I was celebrating Home.
Coming home, having done it, having lifted some part of something.
Some ..inescapable situation, or feeling.
I was celebrating, a victory of somekind.
And it was really worth celebrating.

This idea of celebrations is heavily on my mind since I simply cannot understand why I'm so not there with this one this year.
It's bizarre.
I've always been a huge huge huge fan of birthdays.
And now all of a sudden.

But I think I just really do feel in the middle of some processes, and it would be silly to claim any victories.
I'll claim them next year - and Jesus, will I have victories then.

 (PS. I don't want this to sound critical, as if I need to cut myself some slack. I am fully aware I've come so far, and some of the things are amazing already. Just when you have the steam, don't stop to admire the view. Use the steam. Heaven knows we don't always have it.)

Love to all of you.
M.

I = my life

Let's cut to the chase.

We all consist of parts.

The entity, the individual, we are made up of ingredients.

I seem to frequently F*CKING forget mine.

And this makes me angry.

If you couldn't tell.

My task at hand is this.

Live the life I want.

Simple.

I'm tired of this mindless procrastinating only to find it makes things worse. Of course.

Why not just live the life I truly want.

The only difference between not doing and doing is,.. well....DOING.

That's all.

I'm tired of disliking my life.

I'm tired of disliking.

The inner the outer the flow and speed and action and reaction real and imaginary.

So this is me giving up and giving in, in a way.

Give up, already.

Stop fighting.

And all that then remains is the life I want.

So that I will feel fulfilled and proud and IN MOTION.

Stagnation is death to creativity and creativity is my core.

Do the math.

Books and air and motion and power and heart and passion and juices.

Give.

Up.

Imagine a life I want.

Someone said, "worrying is using your imagination to create things you don't want".

HOW correct is that.

Why ever imagine a future other than exactly the one you want.

Truth is.

I've never known how to do this.

Maybe I did at some point.

But I'm turning 25 in 2 weeks and this is getting ridiculous.

Pure and simple.

Make up my own reality.

Make up my own reality.

Feel like I want to feel.

For realz.

This force could be my greatest drive and engine.

If left undealt with, works like corrosive acid.

I'm free when I can run fast and run far.

Run fast.

And run far.

25.

This feels like a breaking or shifting point.

Finally.

Breaking open.

{I need to buy a kaleidoscope}

Fear is there for me to stare it in its FACE.

With love.

M.

dreams

We don't need to know what we're good at to dream.
Maybe these crazy dreams we get every now and then are there to show us what we would be good at.
If we'd just give ourselves a chance.

Maybe that's what the dreams are for.

Take them seriously.
I mean, we gotta for it to work, you know?

Goethe on öelnud: "Sel hetkel, kui inimene ennast millelegi täielikult pühendab, tuleb appi ka Ettemääratus. Juhtuvad kõiksugu asjad, mis muidu poleks juhtunud, terve sündmuste vool, mis toob inimeseni kõik ettenägematud juhtumid, kohtumised ja abi, millest poleks osanud unistadagi." - See more at: http://alkeemia.ee/artiklid/Unistamisest/l-5/c-1280/#sthash.LfbzKGEe.dpuf

Goethe has said: The moment when an individual commits themselves to something whole heartedly, predetermination steps into play. Allsorts of things start to happen, that otherwise wouldn't have, a whole flow of events, that brings unforeseen happenings, meetings and help, that one could not have dreamt of.

Goethe.

Yours truly. 

M. 

close

October closes, and November has arrived.

And it's always like that in life.
One end marks a new beginning.
Circle circle circle.


I will get somewhere when I reach freedom in my voice.
That's when I'll get somewhere in my life, my career, I'll get into it.
I'll get into the sphere and the space I want to be in.
I'll get into the light and the depth.
That's when I'll open up, fully, and carry on from there.
So next stop, careless abandon.
The fearless freedom.

Only god knows what I'll do then.
Or what I'll sound like.

Becoming more myself.

And I want to have a heart that never hardens.

And also, how can anything change or happen when I can't get to know me.
Or like, if I can't get to the point where I feel like I know myself.
So me and me.
The age of me and me.

All the things I've felt today.
Over-whelmed mostly.
But hey, bottomline, I've felt.
So that counts for something.

Yours truly.
Love and light.
M.

in case you're wondering..

..this is what I did 6am on Sunday night. Or morning. Monday morning.
Well whatever you'd call that time, this is what I did.





The reason for this madness was L's birthday.
I did use a wall to help me, but I did it nonetheless.
And I'm super proud.
Truly.
That feeling of accomplishment I got from spending 7 seconds upside-down was just beyond glorious.

Today I've sent The Email, that I had been ignoring for quite some time.
I also plan to send another email (which consists of three), one which I have also been ignoring for quite some time.

I had this realisation last night, walking home. (I guess this is one towards which all my work has been moving.)
And it was just this moment where I understood in some way that all of us Know everything anyway.
(I know this sounds fairly ridiculous, but please, bare with me.)
The truth of the matter is, if we could only shut up these problems, these fears that we're taught, these complexes and the rest of the bullshit, then all that remains is knowledge.
Pure, simple knowledge.
Understanding of our own worth, our path, the "next move".
All the "what I need to do next".

Truth is, we are not born with fear.
Humans are said to be scared of two things, and two things alone (..not clowns):
- Darkness
- and Falling

So the rest of the crap just happens.
The "Life-happens" syndrome, as I've come to call it.

Unless we ask for what we want, we won't get it.
Unless we know ourselves, we won't know what to want (..on the soul-level. I'm not talking new shoes.)
Unless we accept ourselves, we won't know ourselves.

So forget what the first grade bully said, or the ex-boyfriend, or that one friend, or your aunt who thinks she has All the Answers, or your dad that one time when he was angry, or your mum who's scared of new things, or the friend who wants something else than you, or the society, or some book or another.

Because no-one knows You, like you know You.

And the fear, it's not yours.

Yours truly.
M.

light the way

I must not forget this.



I don't believe in guardian angels really. Mum always has but they have never been my thing.
But many people along the way have said that I apparently have many.
As I said - it has never been my thing.

I now see it existed, for that reason.
As a guardian, to show me how exactly to carry on living my life.
Which is also why I saw the skies and the entire universe through it.
And myself, and my childhood, and the life I want.
The person I am, the person I could be, the person I do not wish to be.

And Love as I've imagined it.


Not to keep it this time, but to show me the way and path on which to carry on living my life.
Which is what I asked for.
Which is exactly what I asked for.
Direction and purpose.
For someone to show me the direction.

But I am only human so it has taken me this long to see it for what it was.
And as opposed to mourn the loss of something I thought I wanted to keep, I should rather be so grateful that I had this experience, this chance to shift my path.
To grow, and to change. Into someone a lot more like Me.

Because that's the greatest gift any one of us will ever receive.
And right now, I'm so grateful, it's stupendous.

And all this sense of loss or being deprived of something has gone, and all that remains is just gratitude, for having been given the chance to grow like that.
To have this reminder.
To have this sign-post.

It was never mine to keep, but it appeared to show me the direction.
Like in the folk tales.


And I have the Kaleidoscope to keep.
M.

grateful

Something happens.

You follow your path. You wake up, go to sleep, wake up, go to sleep.
You go through the steps and the motions. Think your thoughts and do your thing.
Swim and swim, and it's all fine.
You walk the path.
And then something happens.
Suddenly something just happens.
Something happens to you or around you that just flicks a switch.

Something
happens

And then you kind of, notice.
Suddenly you notice the path, the track, the flow, the motions, and the steps.
Then after that you see what's happened.
You see you, on this track, that is not even yours.
You see the steps, that are not even yours.
And then you see, that this you is not even you.

All because something happened.
A little insignificant something that should've been added and drowned in the white noise that is life.

But it doesn't.
It won't fade out. This feeling stays with you.
It won't disappear, because it made you look up and see that this is not your path.
It nudged you off this course, that only you know how you got onto anyway.
It gives you back the greatest gift, the belief that you can do anything.
You can do what you choose. Become what you choose.
It gives you back your fire.
And oh my, it makes you so grateful.

Something
happens.

So have the courage to go again.
Throw the dice, again. Start, again.
Have the courage to tread a new path.
Because it will pay off.
And you will have people to help you and to care about you.
And at the end of this you will be a more balanced, grateful, content version of you.
The you that is strong and not scared and doesn't just dodge. But instead faces things head on, because why not. Because being a frikkin pirate of life is great, and courageous.
And so much better than being like a halfway version of yourself.
Because let's be honest, that can go and suck d*ck.
Be the pirate, be the Beyonce, be the adventurer, the traveller.
The poet, the painter, the dancer, the singer.
The child, the successful business woman.
The linguist, the acrobat.
The warrior and the wolf.

Because, WHY NOT.

The Devil still doesn't play fair.
M.