reminders

last year

I just revisited the writings pre-moving and also today, one year ago.


And this was quite the experience!Maybe I shouldn't be surprised that it was this emotional.

I mean, pre-moving I was terrified! I was absolutely petrified out of my mind.
I can so clearly tell just by the way I was writing, I was just somewhere else. Eyes pressed shut, so I wouldn't feel anything, not feel the fear, feel the uncertainty.
Wow...
I don't remember the feelings at all so I'm grateful to have the writings.


Today a year ago I was back home, and had been home for almost 2 months.
I wrote about finding balance, and surrounding yourself with the "right" people - the people who fan your flame and give you courage to fight your battles and take your chances.
A lot of which I was talking about I have accomplished, tenfold.
Some of which I was talking about - I am yet to do.

But I'm just.......truly shocked at how much more aware I am.
Of life, of the sensory and the mental, the spiritual and the aural. All of it.
I was just, under a layer of polyurethane foam (I'll add a photo).
Just, a non-feeling, non-honest entity.
And to think I was torturing my brain asking why the singing won't go like I feel it could have gone?
Well that is exactly the answer.
God, I would just like to give myself-a-year-ago a HUGE HUG!


This just goes to show that whatever you think that there is or is not in your life, things can change so so so very dramatically, for the better.

If you only have the courage to follow your heart, and accept the challenges.


We can choose, we can take the time to MAKE UP our minds!
There is no rush, there is only an opportunity to grow and develop.
Don't be scared, you will always have someone to cheer for you!
Just make up your mind, honest and loud and brave!
You can lie to anyone, just please not yourself.


Take time and realise that all choices are yours.


I love, and love, and love you.
Times are getting interesting.
I will fight for what I want, I will fight for what is mine.
I will fight my own voices telling me "I can't" or "I'm not good enough".
I will fight them and I will win.


But I will NOT settle.


Yours truly.
M.

Polyurethane foam, a photo.



And what I looked like then.
Exactly a year ago.

freedom

Hey, guys.

Happy Tuesday evening, everyone.

This weekend has been a glorious expansion of this week of not doing much at all.

I feel so pointless it's almost funny, and at the same time I've got a work-stuff-list the length of my actual arm waiting for me to invest my ideas and energy and time into it.
Oh, the paradox.
My face feels like its swollen, sinuses, throat, everything, and this only further deepens this feeling of passivity.
And resentment.


I'd like to run free, on a meadow, and spend time on my head, in a semi-headstand, and I'd like to wear long skirts, and sing songs that haven't been written down yet.
I long for freedom and I feel like I don't have any of it.
..and I don't know why.
I'm trying to figure out the reason, to get rid of it.
Trying to find the button, the trigger.
What is causing my loss of freedom, the lack of.
Hopefully I'll stumble on the answer soon.

Because I really don't like this feeling, or restrain, restraint or being restricted.
Restraints.
I don't like being in restraints.
It goes against my heart and it goes against my soul-being.

I don't want these restraints.

I don't know where they have come from, they are not mine, they don't belong with me.

This is also the reason why I can't breathe properly when I sing, which is why I cannot use my voice fully.


This is not my feeling.



This period of time is such a low-point, I'll be honest with you.
So many things have come to light, that I haven't noticed before, and the problem is I simply cannot sing like that. With that much tension, mental tension, and restrain.
It kills my voice and it kills me.
I really feel like I'm stuck, or standing behind a door but I can't find the handle.
I understand this is something I need to grow through, develop and leave this behind, but I really just cannot find the handle..





I really, really need to find my freedom.
Or maybe let the freedom find me.
To be the witch, the See-er, the hearer, the healer.
The love, the energy, the light.
Why am I dimming my own light.
The mover, the giver.
Freedom.
God, it's been forever since I felt free.
Enjoyed Being.



I hate everything.


M.













If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you.

4 days

What a ridiculous life, let's be honest.

And how much happens in 4 days, quite honestly.

Weird and wonderful at the same time.

So now it's the time for grace and gratitude, and hard work and concentration. And focus.

And creating self-stability.

Within the self and for the self and from the self.

Because balance is the key to all of it and the greater lesson behind the unnoticeable ones we are dealt all the time, every day.

So balance your seas.

I've really not had enough sleep lately, so I decided tomorrow I was just going to take a day to myself.

Sleep in, get my affairs in order, get MYSELF in order, do some laundry, sort a little, and the rest, you know?

No actual things, just the fillers, which are so necessary sometimes.

And I'm looking forward to just waking up to an empty schedule - divine.

Again, I have so much love for you all.

Inexplicable, and quite common lately.

Weird and wonderful again.

The only thought I really want to leave you with, is Accept the Good you are Given.

Yours truly.

Good night, darlings.

M.

the Great

A friend of mine told me this story today.

This is a story about Alexander the Great.

Before his death, Alexander the Great asked his friends to place him in his casket with his hands by his sides, but his palms open, facing up, bare and showing.
His friends were confused at his request and asked him why he wanted his hands to be so exposed.

To which Alexander replied: "My friends, people from around the world will travel to see me before I am buried. I want them all to see that this is the man who owns the world, and yet he leaves with two empty hands."

(PS, I don't care whether this is true or not. Do not care.)
My friend went on to say, that this is how it is. All of this is borrowed. Throughout our lives, the houses, the cars, the everything. It's all borrowed. Because at the end of it all, we give it all back and then leave with two empty hands.
Even the man who had the entire world at his feet.

So don't sign your life away for a job you don't like, or values that are not yours, or to a whole life-time of doing things that do nothing for your soul.
Because at the end of it all, you cannot take any of this with you.

So why spend a lifetime chasing someone else's unicorns.

Yours truly.
M.

being pisces

So I read this thing somewhere.
About how each of us have something to learn from our Zodiac sign.
How the negative aspect of it is a vessel for learning, your own personal lesson.

I am Pisces.
The double-fish.

"Pisces Suns may spend a good portion of their lives yearning for understanding, and the other part in a state of divine discontent. Suffering is sometimes glamorized in the Piscean world.Harsh realities are avoided either through escapist behavior or self-delusion; but every now and again reality does raise its ugly head, and hits Pisces over the head. This is a sad time indeed. Pisces retreats into their own world, self-pitying and giving pep talks to themselves.
Some might even wonder if Pisces finds pleasure in suffering. Sometimes this is the case, but most of the time, Pisces pulls a lot of creative energy from sadness. Pisces is the poet or artist with angst, although this trait is often more apparent with Moon in Pisces.
Many Pisces seem almost allergic to things like shopping lists, maps, directions, and instructions, and for some brave souls, even watches — they prefer to feel their way through life than to follow some plan."

This is so very much like me.
From all angles.

Therefore - I need to learn how to sink my claws into something solid.
Something that doesn't shift and would therefore give me the stability that I'm so very much yearning for.
All the time.

It's true that this moaning thing sometimes becomes a juicy bone for Pisces. Self-pity has no benefits, let's get this straight.
The thing is, I really feel like I've grown out of this enjoyment of the mutable state.
Life is mutable enough. We can't foresee the choices and actions of other people, or the weather for that matter, anything, so truth be told, we control very little.
But we can choose for ourselves.
So why not do that.
I used to be a big fan of letting things go, just unravelling, my things, and therefore miss opportunities, really positive ones. Miss people, miss chances, miss life.
And that's as boring, as it is stupid.

I'm yet figuring out what the answer is.
Something physical would make sense.
I find that some kind of movement grounds me in the body, which is a really easy, "normal" thing, to sink your teeth into.
So even if you can't control A, B or C, you sure as hell can control your arms and legs.

Learn from your sign.

Trust
the
process

Yours truly.
M.

reading list

...from Rachel Brathen.
If you don't know her, go check her out.
http://www.rachelbrathen.com/

Anyway.
A super short reading list I plan to come back to after Finland and Midsommar.
Law of Attraction by Esther Hicks.
And also some Eckhart Tolle. I think this has been a long time coming.

I hope I get along well with these books.
I want some reading to really, really shake my brain.

And it's also time to update the blog appearance once more.
This always means a time to get back to writing and drawing and doing creative things a lot more.
Cause it annoys me to no end when I realise that I've been in a non-creative hole for a bit.

Oh, also, I realised the tour is starting soon so I want to start practising the piano, ready to utilise the grand pianos in the concert places.
So excited. For this.
Seriously.

And so here I am, downloading some music, drinking tea, and getting ready for my Fin-dventure a la Midsommar-madness.
Packing list also includes:
Swimsuit (for the forest lake YES)
Drawing pad (I need to sharpen dem pencils)
"Women who run with the wolves" (Recommend strongly)
And of course, in true Nordic style, mosquito repellent.

Have a super awesome weekend everyone.
I plan to return on Monday night having spent time drawing, swimming, breathing, meditating, probably skipping over some meadows, and just resting. Fingers crossed I get to row a boat. That would simply be nothing short of ideal.

So.
Not to underestimate the weekend ahead.
Not only is it the turning point in the year, and the seasons, plus it should also be some crazy moon situation, as I've heard.
Think good thoughts.
The shortest night of the year is so good for this.
And those Nordic ones reading this, go into a forest and see what's going on.
I mean, there's a reason our ancestors did that. Go find your luck and good fortune.
Spend some nature time. Get muddy and dewy and wet.

HAPPY SOLSTICE.
I'll leave you with Lana.

Peace.
M.

lazy yogi

There's this guy on tumblr, calls himself the Lazy Yogi.
And he dishes out some wisdom alright.
His website is really good, too.
http://lazyyogi.org/

This was a response written to some babe, but there's a lot of clever stuff in there which applies to many many people I know.

Hope you are all going to have a peaceful Monday.
M.

Before you open up to others again, open up to yourself. It sounds as if you are still carrying around past pain. 

Instead of dwelling on and reliving how things went in the past, take your attention deeply into this moment. What traces of the past do you bring with you into the here and now?

You don’t need to fight it or change it but rather to become abundantly clear and aware of it. Then you can see it for what it is: past thoughts you are continuing to react to. If you continue to react to a past which no longer exists, there will be no end to your pain. 

Time erases the past on its own and you will move on, but you don’t have to wait for that to happen. Awareness practices such as the one I describe above in combination with daily meditation will help you to let go. 

“There is no remedy for love but to love more.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

The more you close yourself off, the more you will feel isolated. It is to your own benefit that you remain open and loving, of anything be it a flower or a puppy or another human. 

Just because things played out one way in the past doesn’t mean you should assume it will be so forever into the future. Although it may be worth re-examining the kinds of boyfriends you feel attracted to and why. 

Namaste :)

sky

There's this boy I know.
And his eyes
-sometimes-
look like open skies

And they hold everything
And nothing
And all the spaces
In between all things

And it is so new
Looking into

me


M.

experience, my darling

Okay, I feel like I should write a semi-conclusive post about the experiences I've had of late.
There's so much stuff that I think I'm already starting to forget.
And I don't write this up anywhere.

So, where do we start.


Prince Rama and the birthday of the Cinema "Friendship", yesterday.
And the girls being super.
Imagine Dragons - Radioactive. Thankyou, A.
Make my systems blow.
New friends and people, S. and K. and E. a little.
And going out with K, and V.
RHIZOME.
Mutantants.
Tallinn Music Week in Von Krahl.
And Inga Copeland in Von Krahl - the music music music

Spanish one's truth time hitting the nail
on the head

Dance more
Dance
so much dancing lately

Easter service singing

Skype conference talking.
More safety in my own decisions

Della Reese and my ringtone "Come on a my house".
Best decision ever
ever

And one of the songs K sent me just making me get up, around 1am, and spending 6 minutes upside down. Mostly in downward dog, leg up, and trying to get back to my friend, supported headstand.
Why
no one knows
And Hallelujah emerging.
Last time I listened to that, 2nd of September 2006.
And it came back last night
Like I told myself not to listen to it unless I'm home.

Dying my hair dark
Lifting heavy stuff
Warrior time

Rhizome Rave
And new people, new people

And K and M-L.
Just, YES.
YES
And dancing with A.
The dancing

And whiskey shots and freedom

And my Guru cousin's lectures and seminars.
New insight
And logical insight
Techniques and things to do, how to get rid of the unwanted.
And everything to do with his place, Lilleoru.
Flowervalley

Looking for things to fan my flames.

The greedy kid being not greedy.
Change yourself and the world around you will change.



In conclusion.
The not-so-subtle message:

WELCOME
TO
THE
NEW
AGE

I Give Thanks.
M.


Ps, I bet I'll read this back in some time, and not understand one. single. thing.
Whatever.

And below, my trusty, trusty, trusty, trusty Hamsa.

make my systems blow

So last night I got my mind blown.

By Prince Rama.

I mean.
It was enough to make my systems blow, into specks of stardust or something.
Crazy good.

Such an experience.
Such a shake, in the right direction.
Such force and the beat and the pulse and the power.

A
maze
balls.

And I spoke to the girls after and they were just so lovely and warm so it was absolutely super awesome over-all.
My heart chakra did a gratitude dance.

Open.
M.

wanderlust

My wanderlust is just out of control.



It's all I think about, every day, basically all the time.
Just this need to go and explore and adventure.
This is not a need to "go on a holiday", or to get a tan or get drunk in beach-side bars.
It's just a true yearning (the purest of these I've ever had) to go and see and explore.

This is just out of control.

Out of control wanderlust.
To See, and Breathe.

I just want to wander/wonder with an open heart with room for it to be Open.
With space, and freedom, and the safety to open up which comes with this freedom.

I mean, to be honest. I don't really need to leave the country for this.
This is not the point.
There's plenty to See here, on this tiny speck of wild land.

Plan.
Everything is possible.
I just need to plan.
Plan, plan, plan.

At least, I know what I need, and what I truly desire.

And that is good.
M.


Don't ever deny yourself your true nature.

goodnight

Today was SUPER (!!).
And last night was one big revelation. Like, huge. A huge revelation.

So highly highly significant times all around.
But I shall most probably elaborate on all this soon.

For now, I wish you a good night and peaceful sleep.
My cat is currently making an attempt to physically climb onto me, to get comfy.

And tomorrow it's time to carry on this great new-found energy.
Praise the heavens, it was about time.

With love.
M.

clear out

Today I am being productive and doing something that I've been putting off for a while - the "big clear out".

My boxes should be arriving from LDN today so I'm equally super excited but also aware that I was to make a lot of space. So I'm just sorting through all my belongings in TLN to see whether I actually need any of them. And so far so good.
The bin bags are filling and it honestly feels like it's easier to breathe.

And of course my favourite t-shirt with Edward Cullen is helping me out.
Thanks, clothing item.

Make your own air.
M.

wild

Spring's coming, so it's time to run, really fast, and far and wide, and free.

Seriously.
Time to run wild.

Open up.
M.

hamsa

Just saying, thanks for reading.
(I mean, really really thanks for reading.)

Some helping hands. I like the image of open palms and hands showing "no harm".

Show an open hand.
M.

my Nordic heart

The second image is entirely for A. 

brute force

kiss me on my open mouth

Lana and her lyrics.

Ready for you,M.