exquisite

So the thing, mainly, is - I want my life to be exquisite.

And what I mean by this is that I want flowers, to sometimes see the sea and enjoy the little things.
Enjoy being, have good hair, eat good food.
Sometimes wear a big sunhat and maybe have a glass of wine.
Have a meaningful conversation with a stranger.
And sometimes not-so-meaningful ones with my friends.
I want music and birdsong and Nature.
Tastes and sounds and textures.
An exquisite life has people in it.
And joy in everything.


That's what I want and that's what I mean about an exquisite life.

Poetry, and sunlight, and freedom.

Freedom.
Above all, freedom.
Always.



Also, I have a problem.
I am fully aware that this makes me one of THE most ungrateful assholes ever to have walked the face of the Earth (..too dramatic maybe) but here goes - I hate my voice.
Not the sound of it, having it.
Especially lately.
It feels like, I'm blaming my voice for some things that have happened recently.
I know rationally this is ridiculous, but this keeps swimming to the surface.
This feeling of hatered towards my gift.
I'm too scared to say this out loud so therefore I'll write about this.


This is what is holding me back, this is the feeling that means that I'm holding on tight to my own tail and then wondering why I can't run forward.
This is the thing I keep coming back to.
All my restrain and life-boundary seems to be wrapped up in my voice.
All my freedom lies in it too.

It's so hard to muffle the voices saying it's not enough.
I guess by that way of thinking it will never be enough.

But I don't know how to shut it off.

But I can tell you here and now my friends that this needs to be solved, because if every time I sing it's going to feel like going through a meat grinder I will need to change profession.
And I don't want to do that.

So therefore.
A solution.
Turn off the voices, silence the chorus of disapproval.
I'm too good and too young for this.


My life was different when it was a theatre life.
It was very different.
So this really is all tied to the voice.
But it would be extremely stupid to run from this.

And one thing I have to stay away from is people who fuel any destructive fires.
I've got enough petrol as it is, thank you very much.
I rather need people who are gonna help me get rid of anything and everything flammable.


It's busy, in my head.


I wanna get free.
So I can use what I have been given.






And live my life, the exquisite way I want to.




With love.
Yours truly.
M.

wealth/health?

This is brilliant!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mS0YA465ts

BRILLIANT documentary.


And seriously, please watch this amazing documentary called "Food INC".
Please, watch it.
It's truly a well-made documentary.
And the topic is crazy.

Just seriously, it's not that long, make some tea, and think about the world a little.
Seriously, seriously.

This
is
ridiculous
and
really
disturbing
about
the
world
we
live
in
.


Happy Sunday night!
Love to all of you, always.
M.

departure

Bye-bye, Tallinn!


Every departure is an adventure.

With love.
M.

pink

Pink wine and pink whatever.
Good food and great company.
And great conversation.

The cat's still struggling and I'm still worrying. And trying not to.

Fingers crossed for more sleep than 49 minutes last night.
Send all your love to my cat, please, please.

Thanks.

Pink.
M.

photos

This is going to be a ridiculous post, by the way.

I think E is uploading the pictures of the weekend madness tomorrow, but for now I'm going to forward to you my birthday in food.

Okay, so numero 1, A and I made Eggs Benedict (a hands-down favourite of mine, A's, AEM's and just our banterous breakfast from my LDN times) on Saturday morning, because we are awesome chefs. Egg on egg anyone? Thanks.
Numero 2, a little later on Saturday, A and I went to this awesome cosy Chocolaterie in the Old Town in Tallinn with my parents. We shared many many chocolate treats and this was my slab of cake. Milk chocolate mousse with a cream cheese layer and cherry jam-ish stuff. And it was divine. Not to sweet. Kicked butt.
And numero 3, is the pasta we demolished to put the world right again on Monday, with the pretty one, just before A's flight. We went to Vapiano (again a shared favourite of all three). My one on the left is chicken, orange-chilli sauce and pak choi, JESUS I've had it so many times and it doesn't get old. And A had her sausage and fig thing.

Nom-nom.

Eat well.
M.

bread exchange

and the Wonderful, Wonderful Malin.
http://thebreadexchange.com/

This is another one of my blog recommendations.

Malin is this Swedish young woman, currently living somewhere in Germany. And basically, she started this project called the Bread Exchange.
She started making bread just for banter at home, but as she was trying out so many new things and experimenting a lot she had loads of left-over bread, which she started giving to her friends. Her friends in return would give her...little things, whatevers, homemade jam, or write a poem, or offer to fix her bike.
In short, this grew into a network of people involved in the Bread Exchange.

It is so simple.
Malin makes bread. Posts where she will be (she travels a lot with her job) and then people can set up a meeting with her.
Malin will bring bread.
In return, you can make her or give her anything at all, whatever you want.
Everything, except money.

Her blog is a wonderful wonderful mix of her journey and the journey of Bread Exchange, with awesome photos from her travels.
And Malin herself comes across simply as a truly wonderful being.

"Everything is not for sale."
M.

Photo from the bread exchange blog.

inspire

Maria's Inspirational Woman, number 2.

Tara Stiles.

She is a yoga instructor living in the US and has the most amazing Youtube channel. She shares yoga routines, answers questions and helps you work on poses, but also general life advice, inspirational ideas and recipes. So a perfect combo, for me at least.
There is something incredibly grounded about her which is why I really really like her very much. Something very grounded and simple. Her energy is just right for my wave-length or something.

This is her new project with Reebok. A really short video but the questions are interesting.

And if you like this, definitely check out her channel.
Good night, sweets.

Who made the rules. 
M.

good times

And my happy food shop.

Found these old shots from LDN, but they are just so happy.

Yums.
M.

packing mess

I
will
run
tomorrow

I need to clear my head.
It feels a little like, all the stuff I'm throwing out I'm throwing into my brain. I need some clarity, air and focus so tomorrow I'm taking a physical break from all this stuff-based nonsense.
I still need to go to Nike World and get some babies for myself, so tomorrow I'm just gonna borrow J's trainers (woooo yay!!). They are pink. Bonus.

Also, I didn't have enough food in the house today, and I can really feel the lack of snacks today - I'm hungry. But having said this, I really like that I don't concentrate on "eating too much" at all, but rather making sure that I stay clear of "eating too little". Yay.

So.
List for tomorrow.
Wake-up.
Breakfast.
Go hunt for boxes. Seriously. A serious hunt.
Then try on lots of clothes, all clothes, every item, of clothing, ever, and shoes.
And then sort them into Yes-No-Maybe piles, and then Yes-No.
Sorting, packing day.
Tomorrow is time to work a little harder.

For now, it's Dancing on Ice, which I love to literal madness.
And some Lindt dark chocolate with almonds and orange bits.
And then I'll make some tea, and watch some Bond.
And a photo of AEM's snack, and one of my packing mess.

AJ says "hi".

Skate-skate-skate.
M.

share your meal

So.
I had an idea the other week (...potential understatement of the year.)

So, I've been fairly obsessed with this Swedish thing lately.
I think it was True Blood's man-delicious-ness going under the character name of Eric Northman that kicked it off some time ago.
I've always had a place in my soul for some Swedish things. Being from a Nordic country I think we all have a lot of time (and a little bit of jealousy) for the Scandinavian sense of life. The pace, the architecture, the amount of space, the use of space.
Just more advanced I guess as a group of people in understanding what they want and how they want to want it. Or maybe it's all wrong, and it's more about the pace.
The connectedness as well. This is what we share. Understanding the roots, you know.

Then this idea of having a red house with white windows arrived. Somewhere near the sea, with a separate sauna house, with a big birch tree outside. And a swing behind the house.

So the idea that I had the other week was that I don't want to have this house for me. I'll most probably be jetting around the place quite a lot (or using trains if I get my way) so it wouldn't make much sense to have it as a permanent place.
Then I decided that it would be dandy to share it.
And therefore have a shared summerhouse, owned by mine and A's fams.

Shared meals, and shared sauna times.
And we can sit on the porch, our men will be fishing, and the children will be swimming so we can lie there in sundresses, waiting for the sauna to heat up, under the birch tree.

(S)pace.
M.

first things first

First things first. 

I was checking my blog “facts” and apparently there are people who read it – so, you…  – from quite a few different countries, some of which I don’t have any friends in. Soooo in short, before this gets too sappy and out of hand, thank you for reading.



So.
As promised, the past few days.

Yesterday was awesome.
I got up same time as AJ and went to town with her, in the morning. I walked her to her office and then walked about on my own for a while. It was so weird being right in central with some shops still shut. It’s one of those things – I love being awake early enough to enjoy the “morning time”, but then the next day I’ll rapidly change my mind. A bit of a shame, cause seriously, I like it, a lot.
Then met up with one of my friends from Tallinn who was in town for a bit. So we went and had some egg based deliciousness.
I went and got some seasonal bits and pieces, before flying home. I’ve had a little Christmas list for a while, for family and friends. And after a fairly fun-deprived hermit-style two months it was literally like 5-year-old-o-clock. I was so excited to be out and to be buying socks for someone (don’t judge, they are actually awesome), or some tea for mum and you know. Just little things, but I’d been waiting for it for so long. Oh, and I got a jumper for myself as well – it’s red and has a mothertrucking raindeer on it. I feel that Christmas is not the time for “cool”.
AEM came and met me for some more walking (why I wore heels – no one knows..). We went to have some dinnertime food at the Pizza Express at St. Christopher’s Place, one of my favourite little corners in London. I don’t even know why, it’s just this tiny tiny square, with some shops and food places on it. But there’s two ways of getting there – you can either approach it from the actual road, OR you can enter via this tiiiny pedestrian path, from Oxford Street. And I mean, when I say tiny, I do mean tiny. It’s right there, and people just walk past it. You’ll definitely pass it when walking down Oxford Street. It’s just so sneaky. Like Narnia or something. Minus the lion.
(More pictures to follow.)

Also.
I finally made the “official” announcement to my housemates that I’m moving back to my hometown for a bit – this being Tallinn, Estonia. It hasn’t even begun to sink in yet. I’m gonna have to do something or something whatever over Christmas to make it more concrete. Otherwise it just feels like floof, you know?
Crazy.
But it feels good. This decision.
More about this later I guess, maybe. Maybe not.

So here I am. Sat on a plane. Sitting in the aircraft. In air. Hovering, above actual clouds. Wearing my reindeer jumper. I’ve never written above ground. This is weird.
It always gets me – this whole above clouds business. Cause I mean, they are clouds. The clouds. And then you are above them. Like, what?
I know this entertains A. somewhat, when I get like this. Marvelling at random things, but like, to a slightly weird extent. Like in Croatia, we went for a swim and the water didn’t appear to be much deeper than a couple of meters, and you could see the bottom of the sea clearly, so close. We were swimming really close to the beach. So A. said she thought it was much deeper. Being a mermaid she decided to show this to me and vertically descend, feet first. I was to stay floating, and observe.

And so this 170cm-ish female just went and went and went till she was TINY. AND MY MIND WAS BLOWN. A. came back up and I was like – “HOW IS IT THIS DEEP OMG THE BOTTOM IS RIGHT THERE YOU CAN SEE IT YOU CAN SEE IT”. This of course is all to do with perspective and blah blah, okay I get it. But seriously, it just BLEW my mind. Just seeing her become smaller and smaller, being RIGHT THERE. UGH. Seriously!

As you can see I still haven’t got over this..
Same thing with being above clouds.
M.

...you see, the thing is

Ahh, I did some daydreaming today...

It will be called plan 43.

And it includes A., a NYC loft, or a townhouse, and the Met, of course.
And dogs who will have to stay in the servants' quarters (HA),
and cats who can remain in front of the fire.
Cats hypo-allergenic, and otherwise.

A. will be a professor of something ÜBERinteresting. And she will have just returned from an expedition to either Pole. Doesn't really matter which one.
On this expedition she will have met a guy, who turns out to be quarter-Icelandic. But a lifelong Newyorker. Doing a PhD in something ineffably cool. So her visit does not only include seeing me, but going on scarf-and-coffee filled walks with this guy, in Central Park. Of course.
And I will be in New York singing the Met Autumn/Winter season. Doing a REALLY good production of Lucia. And I mean, really good.
And we'll be there, in some sort of a rented accommodation. So we'll be there, in the library, which holds a fireplace and a grand piano, sitting on the sofa, napping. That is A. will be napping, I'll be sat behind the piano, going over some part of the score.
A's nap is due to the fact we will have just finished dinner, followed by cheese. And it's the cheese that will have created this nap-time.
And it will be nearing Christmas.
And I'll be wearing really world-class socks. This is of utmost importance.
And then some sort of a man, in a loose tie, will arrive home from whatever work business whatever, wherever. But he'll arrive.
And then after the opening night, we will all go to a Russian restaurant. It will have to be around midnight because I doubt I'll get out of the Met before that.
And I will order of course - cause it's from my hood.
And we'll walk home - cause it's just across the Park. Of course.

DAYDREAMING
M.

SÜGIS

 
 I'd like to speak elvish. That would be cool. The Tolkien kind of Elvish.

I would like to spend my entire autumn in that room (the last photo) with the leather sofa and the big map. Just planning, planning, planning my next move. Planning the next spring and the next summer. Eating bread that A. has made, and smother it with the triple citrus marmalade that I've made. ("Maria's Marmalade", of course.) I'd sit there and I'd plan. And therefore every autumn I wouldn't think well, this is silly, why the hell must I wear clothing, but instead, I'd know that this was time to plan. Proper hibernation.
And I would always have candles on the windowsill, so I could say "lights will guide you home", or at least will guide you to me. I think that's why I like the Estonian day for spirits ("hingedepäev"). It's somewhere very beginning of November. And it's just to commemorate. And you know, in case there are any lost spirits or souls out there, lighting candles so they know how to find their way. It is just lovely. And I like it so very much. It just triggers some sort of sentimentality, in me. And I like candles anyway.
Tomorrow might be a day for a cracking cup of cappuccino.

The one benefit of autumn is that I want to cook more. And I don't mean make food, but seriously cook. Something like the lamb ravioli and broth below. And bake. Because, I mean, cake and autumn is just something else.

Really working at this autumn thing.
Love,
M.